Reading ahead

In order to make up for the horrible nature of my last blog, I have to write another one. I can't stand that one being first, but I promised an Easter blog. Now for some stuff that I actually...want to write about. I must do this tonight because....that one really sucked. I have to compensate- perhaps overcompensate. So....voilà, here it is

I'm of the type that likes to know what is going to happen. I enjoy predictability. Sometimes, I like to work from the beginning, skip to the end, then work through the middle.

Since I'm an avid reader, a bookaholic, if you will, I'll start by comparing it to that- it's like a book- I'll read the first few chapters to get an understanding of the author's use of language, then I'll skip to the last few chapters to see where the book is going, then I'll read the middle and try to work out, in my head, how it went from beginning to end. When in school, I liked to have the answer key, not to cheat, but to follow a line that leads me to the right answer. I'd look at the question and answer, and work out the middle, so that way, I know if I'm aimed in the right direction.

Unfortunately for me, life is nothing like that. I can't know the ending. It's difficult for me, because when I'm trying to work out situations, I often can't figure them out. I get nervous, my brain shuts off, and I am forced to operate under autopilot. Sometimes, I use previous *similar* experiences to guide my behaviour. That's not always the most successful way to go about things, but for me, it helps me to understand the inner workings better.

In a book, if I haven't referred to the ending, I often end up with a lot of loose ties, and wondering how everything fits together, and why certain things are included while others aren't. I get lost sometimes, trying to figure out the storyline. Having a destination makes it to where I am much less likely to get lost. I don't know if anyone else is like that...which makes it a little awkward. Some think I'm doing it just to get the answers, but that's not my goal. My goal is to know what's coming so that I can make the proper connections now.

Sometimes, I love shows like Criminal Minds for that reason. Most of the episodes, the viewer knows who the unsub is all along, and we get to watch the BAU connect the pieces of the puzzle until they find the person. I guess it's something like that. When working out a puzzle, you usually have an image right in front of you to guide you toward the solution, without specifically telling you how to get there- that's the fun part, working toward a visible goal.

Don't get me wrong, I do get a sense of pride when I figure out the correct answer/action without the guidance, but I feel less confident about my choices. Basically, I like having an end product in mind; that's just how I operate best.

With my chosen profession, I get to hear about the person's past, their current state of mind/lifestyle, and connect it with possible future outcomes. I have resources I can relay the person to, and have some idea what they will do with that person. The goals are visible. I don't have the answers, but I have EBP (Evidence-Based Practice- for those who aren't in the field, that's where you look at the research and make decisions based upon previous experiences). I can use EBP to determine what sort of path to take, and while I don't always know what response I'll get, I know that I had some sort of foundation, and a specific outcome in mind. It may not work out exactly to plan, but as long as somehow, I get to the end point, I think I'll feel more confident.

Basically, I like having something to build on. I like knowing what my finished product should (or will) look like. Builders of houses use floorplans so they know what the final product is supposed to look like, and what measurements to use. Stuff like that. I want a floorplan for my life, so I can know what goes where and put things together knowing that in the end, it'll all work out- because right now, I don't know that it'll all work out. Life is constantly throwing obstacles in my way, and I am always wondering how "worth it" it is to try to get around these obstacles- I mean, would it be worth it if there's just disaster on the other side? If things never improve? I can't turn to the end of the book and see. *sigh*