Trying to Love Me

There is a blog called "We Heart Life" which is currently doing a linky for posts about why people (bloggers are the ones linking, some have asked people they know) love their body. For me it's always been a struggle to love my body or, well, anything about myself. I try and try, but it's a constant battle. I can be found in many blogs saying *something* degrading about myself.

Even for me to drudge up a picture where I'll show my face is a rough task. Even to take one is a challenge! Shot 1- double chin. Shot 2- side fat. Shot 3- hair sticking out. Shot 4- caught all the acne marks. I never seem to be happy with my appearance, even when I try. It's pushed me into tears at times- for example, over the summer when I was shopping for a swimsuit and posted the "Not A Bikini Model" post, in June. No pictures, but I know how I feel about the way I look.

Even as far as avatars go, I'm not quick to post anything more than my face, and even that is through hesitation. I do have a few pictures in my blogs from where I lost some weight and was able to fit into an older pair of jeans, "Those Jeans", back in September, but I still haven't come to terms with the way I look, as much as I try.

Here, I'll make a really big effort to point out what I love about my body.....
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still thinking....
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I like that I have small feet, because I can buy childrens' sized shoes, which are often cheaper than adult shoes (practical) or smaller adult sized shoes if I need to. I'll never have to complain about having big feet.

I like my fingernails, because they're very strong and resilient. I can't even bite them....they just don't break, there's no sense in taking too much time trying to do so, right? So I tend to have longer nails quite often, and I can paint them well so they look nice.

I like that I can grow my hair out long and cut it short and donate it within a short time period. My hair really doesn't get a lot of split ends, so that's nice. I don't like the way it's not curly or straight, but it doesn't have a pattern with which it waves, it just....does, and it won't curl or straighten....but it's still soft and nice hair.

My hair before the last 11 inch chop, April 2010

I like that I tan easily. Not that it's the best thing for my skin, but I do think I look a little bit better with a little bit of color.

That's really difficult for me to do. Come up with stuff like that. People are posting full body photos, tummies and all, and I can't post anything "full body" more than this:

and that was after I had lost some weight. Confidence lacking? Very much so.

I'm trying to learn to love myself. Not everyone can do it so easily. There's not a lot to appreciate from my body right now. It rejects medications. It gains weight for no plain reason. It has a bad thyroid. It doesn't make enough red blood cells. It just doesn't agree with me. I'm trying to learn to live with that. A few years ago I was a size 4-5. I miss that. I wish I could be that again. It's hard to love a body that keeps making itself into something you don't want to be. I'm trying, I really am.