26 June 2011

Not a Bikini Model

Warning: I am not too happy in this blog; in fact, I complain a lot. I'm struggling with a personal issue and wanted to talk about it. It's something that's really bugging me, and I'm sure I'm not the only one facing this issue. Just wanted to mention this before I get all "I hate this & that"

We went shopping tonight. The intent was for me to look for a swimsuit. Seeing as summer is almost half over already, this should have been done long ago, but I'm sort of avoiding it, for one very, very large reason....


It has never been this large of a reason before. I've adjusted to the clothing changes somewhat more easily. I admit that it is somewhat difficult to see the higher numbers on the tag, but I can at least look at the mirror and not see a tub of lard; I can look in the mirror and not want to excommunicate myself into a closet for the next [insert number] years until I lose the requisite number of pounds.

I've always been self-conscious about my weight, even when I was thin, but it never wore on me this much. I looked in the dressing room mirror and cried. When I went to sit on the seat and cry, I fell on my ass because I missed the seat by about 2 feet- I was pretty upset. I didn't even care where the seat was. I've never been this upset by my weight. I want it gone.

I've done some exercise. I've been doing some portion control, eating smaller meals, and I haven't had much soda at all, seeing as I can't really taste carbonation. A little of it has come back, but it's not enough to convince me to drink it as much as I used to. Mostly I drink green tea, which is supposed to help your metabolism. I do yoga in my room at night to relax. Small snacks are stuff like sunflower kernels or fruit slices that I buy on the way to my internship, or sometimes I get them at home.

I don't even know if I want to leave the house now, after that ordeal. Seeing myself in the mirror, I don't know if I can subject myself to being seen in public with cottage-cheese legs. I'm so self-conscious and self-aware that it's really difficult for me. My sister keeps telling me that I look fine, but she didn't even see it before she said that. I don't think she understands my problem. Hell, I'm sitting here half in tears writing this. It's never been this much of a problem. Even when I had scars. even in years before when I was self-conscious, it was never this bad. I was never this overweight.

What do I do? How do I overcome this? I'm pretty sure that I can't hide out in my house forever. I'm going to Target tomorrow, because the selection at Hell-Mart wasn't very much- they had men's, women's, childrens, all together in one selection. I kind of suspected as much, but my mom insisted I look. There was only one that was even in my size, because I've gained so much weight. I felt like an oversized hippo, a whale. I was afraid to even show my mom, who would have been buying it. Embarrassed as hell.

It's gotten to the point where I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hate scales. I hate clothes even. If I could lounge around in pajama pants all the time, I would, since they're non-discriminatory. They stretch. Usually, at least. Then again, the ones that were falling off at Christmas are a little tight now. I don't wear them much. It's depressing. I don't know what else to do....this is a low for me. Very low.

I'm not just one of those skinny people just saying I'm fat, either. In fact, I look back at myself 50 pounds ago, and I want to slap myself in the face for saying the things I said. It makes me hate myself so much for not appreciating where I was at. I wish I could be back there now. Unfortunately, I can't. I'm stuck here now. I can't get a personal trainer or anything, I can't afford some gym membership or yoga class, and I can't get some super-healthy food plan or diet pills or anything like that. I just have to stare at myself and hope that the pounds just jump off or that I can come up with something on my own.

Unfortunately, heredity takes a huge part (no offense mom or dad, if you're reading this, which I'm sure at least one, if not both, of you will). I don't want to be stuck like this forever, but my genes say that I probably will be, and I don't want it to be that way. I want to go back to the way I was in '08. Hell, even '09 or '10 would be okay.

Other than that, there's not much on my mind besides doing a lot of schoolwork. I've got several supervision logs to turn in, and several papers to do before we go on vaca to St. Louis later this week. I'm looking forward to a little break, but I've gotta work hard as hell to make up everything before I get there. Wish me luck *crossed fingers*

Deuces, yo



Cheeseboy said...

It takes some courage to post a post like this. I see you embracing who you are and trying to make yourself better. That makes you a cool person in my book.

Cake Betch said...

I've been through this same thing exactly. I still go through it sometimes. It's getting harder for me to lose weight as I get older too :-(

♥α§ђ£ε¥™♥ said...

It's so difficult for me. I did end up finding something "suiting" (haha, pun) my needs. It covers the horrible stretch marks, and doesn't make me want to cry and run away or punch the mirror. Cost twice as much....but I was willing to wear it out the door, which was an improvement.

Now I'm starting this intensive thing with myself where I do at least an hour of cardio a day and burn more calories than I eat....but of course, I eat a reasonable amount of calories. On top of being busy and all that. I've got to do something, I'm desperate.

Thanks, Cheeseman. I really need that little boost of confidence right now.

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