Showing posts with label Murphy's law. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Murphy's law. Show all posts

07 September 2011

A One Liner for Write on Wednesday

When I saw this exercise, I honestly thought I couldn't do it. Anyone who has read anything of mine knows I'm very verbose and I don't really know how to be any other way. I found it challenging, but I sat down with it, I took some time, and I figured out something that I absolutely love. It was writing this, the trouble writing this, that sparked the sentence itself, and oh, how it resounds the sentiment of coming up with the dreaded sentence!!!

The Sentence:
Whilst we spend all our time looking for inspiration and meaning in the environment for something compelling and unique, we may be surprised to find that these things are often found deep within ourselves, and it is the treasure hunt for these things which makes the journey all the more worthwhile.

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 13 - A Great One Liner...This week you need to come up with one good line to describe a part of your day. It can be 'real life' or fiction. But it must tell us 'who did what'.

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05 September 2011

Randomosity 30 Days of Me- Perpetually Single

I have to say, I really liked the 30 days about me thing. It gave me something to write about sometimes when I was at a point where I didn't have much to write about, and at this point in my life, I'm finding a lot of that. This month, through some searching, I found another 30 days of me, on Randomosity Blog, so I'll be doing that one this month- but since this one is not restricted by day, I can start and finish when I want.

So, this month, I will start on Day 1. If there is a topic I don't want to post about, or that I feel uncomfortable posting about, of course, I will not post about it, as it is my freedom to choose what to post or not post about. Of course, now you'll be able to see what I choose to post or not post about. Well. That's fine I guess.

Day 1: My current relationship.

They start with a doozy. I'm single. I always have been single, unless you count the kid that went out with me on a dare in middle school, because the other kids didn't believe he would ask out such a dorky kid as myself. He broke up with me the next day. Confidence booster.

I was always the awkward one. It really was a downer to see everyone else going out with someone while I was always single. It is a downer to see my sister with boyfriends while I'm single (still). It's a downer to see my brother getting engaged while I'm (still) single. Both of them are younger. I'm proud of my brother, excited for him even, but I can't help but feel a little down about it.

I think, more than anything, I want for someone to care for me, unconditionally, but I've given up on that ever happening. I know, some people tell me they didn't have these things happen until they were older (late twenties, early 30s, maybe later), but I don't believe it'll ever happen for me. I just don't think I'm fit for it. Even so, I'm not ready for certain things in a relationship... there are things in my past that I can't forget. Things I tell nobody.

I'll never have a boyfriend. I don't even want one anymore. Maybe the caring of someone. The unconditional love. Someone to spend time with, and share things with. Nothing further. You can thank certain guys for that. There's a complete lack of will to go out with anyone, which is a complete buzzkill for a relationship- which will thereby kill any possibly relationships anyway.

Brand pessimist on my forehead...or just allow me to live single, because that's probably better anyway. My brother and sister- they'll have successful relationships. I'd like to call it realism...nobody has realistically looked my way for a real relationship- why would they do it in a year, two years, or five years? Thing is, it doesn't really bother me that much anymore- I've given to the perception of myself being single in the future, and it's really not all that bad. Not the best life, but not horrible. I can live with it.

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03 September 2011

Persistence

***Be sure to look out for my blogoversary post tomorrow!***

Everyone knows (or most people do) that if you're persistent enough, you usually get what you want.

Well, this headache is being very persistent. I don't know how else to surrender. It's keeping me from doing a lot of things. Boxes are remaining unpacked, and it's been almost a week since I got my stuff back in my room. I fell asleep before 11 last night (which is quite unlike me). I've been avoiding the internet like the plague. Even my phone has been, for the most part, neglected.

What else does this headache want from me? I'm not sure. I want to surrender. What do I give it? I don't have a white flag to wave. I'm sure I could make one, but what good would it do? I'm sure my head would just laugh. Actually, it might, just because it knows that laughing hurts.

I wrote out my blogoversary post, because I knew what I wanted to write. Luckily, I'm a touch-typer, and only have to look at the screen if I think I made an error. This saves me from staring at the screen, which means I can type things out and just read over them when I'm done. Otherwise, I haven't been online much.

Dear persistent headache:

What do you want from me? I've given you my time, my patience, and my sanity. There's not much else to give. I've fed you acetaminophen, ibuprofen, aspirin, naproxen, excedrin, and just about anything that exists to help a headache, and somehow you have survived it all. You even survived sleep. You are one tough sucker. I'm at a loss. I'm down to asking you what you want, because I don't know what else to do. Please, help me out, or go away soon.

Unwillfully yours,

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22 August 2011

So. Much. STUFF.

I'm still packing my room to move everything out to the garage so I can move it back to where it was later this week (after how long now??). Major suckage. And it doesn't look like I've done a darn thing.

Oh sure, I've done a lot of things, and the boxes and bags tell the story (I got sick of putting stuff in boxes...and ran out of boxes). I have a lot of stuff. When you live in a place for 9 years, you acquire a lot of stuff. It just builds up and builds up, and you really don't realize how much stuff you actually have. That is, until you try to put it in boxes.

Now I realize how much stuff I have. When I move it back in here, I know I'll be getting rid of some of the stuff but right now I don't have time to sort through the stuff. I hardly have time to sit and write this, but I needed a break from my stuff to do some stuff away from my stuff....y'know?

It's actually a really good thing I'm not moving, because transporting then sizing down on the stuff would be difficult. Then again, there comes a time in every person's life when they should be on their own...not to say that someone can't live with mommy and daddy forever, but it's probably not a good idea. I mean sure, the rates are great, but...it just doesn't seem healthy. Maybe for a while, and maybe it's better for some people to stay longer, but it needs to happen eventually, and not just because a person gets married. Moving on...

What does one do when they've acquired so much stuff and it's difficult to let go of it (aside from starring on the show Hoarders- it's not that bad yet)? The books, the movies, the papers, the pens, the knick-knacks, jewelry boxes, craft string, puzzle books, CDs, craft paint, nail polish, "other makeup," shoes (which I have quite the abundance of- but my feet haven't grown since I was 11, so they all fit), clothes, pillows, folders, notes, paycheck stubs (aren't you supposed to keep those?), on and on, it adds up!

Now I've got a room full of stuff and I just look at it like....WTF? You want me to move all this out? At first I thought I could do it. Now that I've worked on it for a while and seemingly gotten nowhere, it's like...you're kidding, right? I just want to fall down sobbing and surrender to the stuff because there's just. so. much. STUFF.

Huzzah!

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20 August 2011

Day 20: Learning through Experience

Day 20: Something You Wished You'd Forget

Well, with the memory I have, there are a lot of things I'd rather forget that I really don't forget.

There are a few things that have happened that I'd really rather forget, and etching them into a blog makes them more real, more tangible, and they'll be here to haunt me on the interwebz forever.

Working for Unidentified Food Chain, I was really unhappy, and had some really unpleasant experiences, but I worked my way through it. Working for Big Circle Box Store, I wasn't necessarily happy, but I don't think I had any experiences that I'd rather forget. My internship? The only thing I'd rather forget is the ending. In fact, I did get to share some experiences there, and it was helpful, I found. It was great. I loved the feeling.

Overall, I wouldn't say that things are bad, they really aren't all that bad at all. I've had isolated things happen that were bad enough that I'd rather forget them, such as my car accident in 2010, or some of the things that happened at Unidentified Food Chain. My first few years of college were pretty rocky, and just being myself in itself has been a rocky experience. In high school some not-so-wonderful things happened, but I was able to persevere and deal with them. Bits of my memory are littered with things I don't want to remember, as well as some I would like to remember.

I think, though, that those things that I'd rather forget have probably taught me a lot of lessons that I needed to learn. Things happen for a reason. I mean, I'd rather forget them, but concealed to most, they've taught me lessons that I wouldn't have otherwise been able to learn, or that would have otherwise been more difficult to learn. That's not to say I'm happy that horrible things happen- I'm certainly not! It's the perseverance that got me through them, and finally being able to overcome the obstacles, seeing the lessons that I've learnt from them, and realizing why I went through what I did, that makes me realize that it wasn't all just torture.

Yes, I'd like to forget a lot of things. But, in forgetting those things, I'd be forgetting a lot of life lessons, and I don't want to have to go back and learn them all again. I definitely know a lot more than I used to know, and I'm glad I know the things that I know. I'm glad to share the knowledge I have (without going too far into my experiences). It's part of what makes me who I am, and what has brought me to the point where I am in life.

Huzzah!

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Day 19: It took the whole blog to figure this out

Day 19: A Talent/Hobby of Mine

Oh, does that mean I have to say I'm good at something?

OK, well, that settles it, I'm out for day 19. Unfortunately, I don't think some of my peeps or tweeps will let me do that. I'll have to come up with something. Talent. Hobby.

Well, I like artsy stuff, but I get bored of it easily, and have to come back to it repeatedly...it's not something I can do for long periods of time to keep myself entertained. As for books, I love books, and I can read for hours at a time, but again, I often switch between books, and I'll be reading 2-3 books at least at a time. Right now I'm in 2, one very boring (it's about job-hunting and resumes and whatnot) and one entertaining (Her Fearful Symmetry, Audrey Niffenegger, who also wrote The Time Traveler's Wife). I like television, but not enough to watch a whole lot of it in my room (my sister thought I had never turned my TV on- I have, I just don't watch it a lot). TV really isn't a talent or a hobby anyway. I like sleeping...is that really a talent or hobby? Besides, when I'm stressed or busy, sleep is not exactly easy...I'll sleep at strange times, and not times that I want/need to. I like writing, but I don't find that I'm really talented at it, and I find that over time, my creativity has lessened to the point that I need a little boost to find something to write about. I was interested in school, but now that I've graduated, I can't really say that school is a hobby anymore. I can't really say I was talented at it- I never made any honors once I graduated high school, no deans' lists, nothing. In fact, I got kicked out of the Honors College and lost a scholarship. Hm.

I guess what I am talented at is really putting myself up for a beating, and finding things that I'm not really talented at. I'm good at putting myself down, and finding things that are wrong with me. I really need to work on that. I'm good and finding things I need to work on, and then lamenting myself for not working on them.

Oh, and a hobby of mine I just remembered. Learning long words. I love long words.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- the fear of long words
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis- a disease of the lungs caused by breathing in the microscopic silica particles contained in the ashes of a recently erupted volcano
Antidisestablishmentarianism- everyone's favorite- against the separation of church and state (I think)

I've always been a word lover. Now that I think about it, that is sort of a hobby. When I was in high school, I nearly made it to state UIL competition- rendezvous being one of the words that held me back. I will never forget how to spell rendezvous for as long as I live. I don't remember how I misspelled it, but I will remember how to properly spell it!

I can remember when I was in elementary school being the only one to ace some of the practice spelling tests, which got me a free ride out of the Friday spelling tests at school. One that stands out to me was when I got the bonus word, chlorophyll, in the 4th grade. Another is when I got the bonus word acetylsalicylic acid (aspirin), but I don't remember what grade I was in for that one.

Of course, I don't have the challenge that comes with learning those new words now, but occasionally I'll come across a new word that interests me, and I'll learn it simply because I like it. Unless I really have a motivation, though, I really don't learn as many new words as I did in the past. Typically, it's words that really interest me or have some sort of meaning to me, or words that I find have some sort of use. Sometimes, it'll happen to be a word that I come across more than a few times and I'll just recognize it over time.

And it takes me a whole blog of thinking and challenging myself to find out that indeed, I do have a hobby, and that hobby is learning new words, although I'm not quite as talented at it as I used to be, and the lack of challenge to learn new words has led to a slower acquisition of new words. Awkward...

Huzzah!

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18 August 2011

Lack of Structure

I'm feeling a little unsettled right now, even though I don't have a whole lot going on in my life...and that's probably a good portion of the reason why.

For so much of my life, I've always had something going on...whether it was school, or a job, or an extracurricular activity, it seems there was almost always something to do, and now that I'm grasping for straws, without a license and grades yet to be released, I feel sort of in a panic.

How do people who don't have something structuring their life day to day handle it? I mean, even moms have something to structure their lives around (children), but I don't have that. I have nothing to structure my life around.

The few potential I-might-apply-for-this-job places that I've found have had so many qualifications and I've lacked one, and I've been so terrified they'd throw me out because I lack that one thing that I haven't moved yet. I don't have the final grades. I don't have the license. I don't have anyone or anything to structure myself around, and I'm not used to that.

Thus, I have not much to write about. My blog is starting to lack content due to the lack of stimulation, structure, and activity. I thought it might be relaxing, but it's not at all relaxing...on the contrary, it's stressful, and it makes me want to hide in bed all day (which doesn't help the situation).

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15 August 2011

On the Market

So, now that my university life is essentially complete, but grades are not officially out, my degree is not official, and I don't have a license yet, what am I to do? Well, since the answer is not to lie around the house....I have no clue.

I know that I need to study for my licensing exam, that is a must. In addition, I'd like to do some volunteering that is actually related to my field, but, that doesn't really do anything as far as $$$ is concerned, but it does cost me $$$ as far as travel and whatnot, and isn't required, so it's kind of...not considered the best idea right now.

So what do I do? Well, I've been told to get a job. An unrelated job. Just to "get myself on my feet." I don't know about this idea. Honestly, fresh out of college, what place is going to want to hire me for something completely unrelated to my degree? I'm not sure. Plus, when it comes to the "Why do you want to work here?" part of the interview...if I get that far...how do I respond? I don't know if they're oversimplifying my situation...or if I'm overcomplicating it.

So what does one do when they're in this space between graduation and a license? Actually, what does one do when they're not in school and don't have a job? I've not really been in this situation before, so it's a little confusing for me. Unexplored territory. I don't know if I should apply for entry-level jobs to fill the gap, or if I should apply for other jobs that may or may not ask for licensure, or if I should volunteer, or what I should do. I feel pressured to do something now, but I don't know what.

And the working world isn't what it used to be. You don't go out and fill out applications. You don't walk into a place and ask if they're hiring. You go to their website and fill out the employment application online. If you walk into a place and ask if they're hiring, they'll just redirect you to the website. Even if you ask to speak to HR, they'll redirect you to the website. Very, very few places actually have paper applications anymore, and even fewer actually have people available on site that will talk to you. Even if you ask for them by name, typically they're "in a meeting" or "off site" or "busy" and "will call you later" if you ask to speak to them and they allow you to leave a number. It's so hard to get anything face to face... Even since I first started working my first job, things have changed a lot, and that wasn't really that long ago.

I just....feel lost. I'm in a place of uncertainty, I haven't completely gotten my degree yet until grades have been finalized and whatnot and debts have been fulfilled, I don't have my license, no leads on any social work jobs, no networking, and since so many things are becoming less face-to-face, it's really difficult to get out there and get started. They certainly don't make this easy...

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11 August 2011

Things I Know- Transition Edition

As many of you probably already know, and have been hearing about for months on end, I finished the last of my courses today. Of course, the world has a lovely way of flipping me the bird on really important days, and laughing at me by coming up with the worst possible punishments, making me stress out more than I probably should, and it seems like everything goes wrong, but in the end, things somehow turn out, for the most part, OK. Today did. Thankfully. I don't know my grades yet, but I've finished everything. So, for the future, these are the things I know that I'll be using....

I know I (now) have a college education, but that doesn't mean I know everything

I know that I can finish things

I know that I have the capability to do what I want, if I put my mind to it

I know that, in three months, I might have my license

I know that all things take time

I know that I've got a long road ahead of me

I know that life won't be easy just because I have a piece of paper

I know that I still will have to work for things, they won't be handed to me

I know I still have responsibilities, even in the down time when I don't have a job or license

I know that I'll eventually have a job, but it may not be the exact one I want

I know that not all things in life are easily obtained (i.e. degrees)

I know that I will have to continue to learn and gain insight (well, that and I would have to in order to keep a license if I get one, anyway)

I know that I love social work

I know I kind of wrote it last minute, but I had a lot to do in prep for finals and writing a paper, so I hope that kind of waives my writing in advance duties. I did write other stuff though...so maybe I should have included this? No, I think this is better that I did it after instead of before. I like that I'm doing it now. After the fact.

Thanks for tuning in for "Things I know- Transition Edition"

Next week, I will probably be dying from boredom, anhedonia, and a week of résume writing, checking, application writing, job hunting, etc. I may be a bit cynical. =/

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09 August 2011

Day 8: Prioritize

30 Days About Me


Day 8- Something I Hate...

This is difficult for me. There's not a whole lot that I absolutely hate. There are things that bother me sometimes, but hate? That's really extreme for me. I don't know...maybe it's just that I don't want to say I "hate" something, it sounds so unpleasant and nasty to me.

Things that aren't prioritized appropriately?

I guess...let's start with university parking, which, at least for a while, will thankfully be over for me after this week, because I will have my degree! If I go back for my masters' degree...but that's another story...I'll just have to deal with the Social Work Complex parking.

Some schools have really expensive parking, some are cheaper. University of Texas at Arlington isn't the worst, but I wouldn't rank their parking as great. $120 a parking sticker- up from $90 when I started as a freshman- and you get to park- and I calculated- 3/4 of a mile from the building you're going to. That's if you're going to one of the closest buildings. If you're going to one of the inner buildings, it could be more than a mile.

To make it even better, they're destroying student lots one by one, and moving them farther away from campus. They're adding faculty lots closer. They're building a parking garage- way on the outer edge of campus- that's supposed to alleviate parking problems. Yes, so everyone can park on the outer edge of campus, in a fancy garage that will probably cost more than what they're already paying. They destroyed 3 lots for an engineering building. They destroyed 4 more lots for a new special events center. They already have 2 engineering buildings and a special events center.

Meanwhile, the School of Social Work is the old early-20th century Arlington High School, 3 stories, not a lot of classrooms, and they're all very small. Don't plan on having a class more than 20 or so in any of those rooms. Sometimes social work classes get delegated to other buildings because they just don't fit. So instead of another engineering building, why don't they build an actual social work building?

I guess a better description of my "hate" would be the way that the funds I pay to the university are being used. They're more beneficial to all the other students. My benefits aren't much at all. They even closed the social work computer lab- it was using too much energy. Social work now has 1 printer and 9 computers. I take that back, Building B has a printer, but you have to supply your own paper, and I think it has 4 computers. Amazing. Meanwhile, the engineering complex completely overshadows the social work building, and they even built a corner...thing. Just a thing. Serves no purpose. Probably cost a lot of money. Just to look pretty. On the corner. All the engineering students are using our lot. They got a new building, and a ton of money spent for their fancy building, while we got our computer lab shut down.

Just goes to show where everyone's priorities are. It's ok though, because I don't want to be the priority. I don't deserve any entitlement. We do fine with what we have. We're problem solvers, we work things out, and we make things work. It's all working. I love everything about the school of social work, even if it's not perfect. Well...ok, not everything (or everyone), but in general, I love it. That's why I want to go into the masters' program, when I can. Hopefully, that time will come soon. You know where I'll be? In the school of social work. There may be things that I dislike, but that's my place, and I don't care if it's an old school or a new school, it's the place where I learnt everything I needed to know. It may not be perfect, but it serves its purpose.


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08 August 2011

A sincere note

I sincerely hope my newest follows are reading this- it's going to explain some of why I'm not following yet/responding to much, but will later...and older readers, I've included some information you just might be interested in. Or it may be repetitive.

First, I have to apologise to those I haven't been responding to- give me until this weekend, and I promise, there will be response. I'm finishing my last class, psychology. I have a case study to write, which I'm extremely nervous about, and our final exam is also this week. Basically, this week is worth 1/2 of our whole 5-week grade. What I've done so far stacks up as pictured below:



I guess that's not so bad. Of course, it neglects to include the final (100 pts) and the case study (100 pts), and the last quiz...but they drop one quiz. Am I that concerned over the 23/25? Maybe. Yea, ok, I'm still taking quiz 5. So far, I have a pretty good grade, but there are still 200 points yet to be determined. Even if I get a perfect grade on my paper, I'm not in the clear, because there's still 25% of my grade to be determined by the final exam. Even if I do perfect on the multiple choice, that's only a 75% on the final, I'll be lacking 25 points...OK, now I'm being way too overanalytical.

And until the final exam is over, I want to mostly focus on that and the case study, and blogging is kind of my "break" from schoolwork. Anyone who follows me this week (including this past weekend)- I'm not ignoring you, I promise, I'm just finishing everything so I can get my degree. Seriously- if I do well this week, I'll have my bachelor's degree. In a way, that makes me want to panic. Actually, in many ways. If you go back a few blogs, I wrote about it (here), which, funny enough, leads you to a gamut of other blogs where I wrote about how excited I had been. Now that I can count on one hand how long I have left, I'm really panicking. O.o So just give me some time, Thursday is my final. After Thursday, I'll take Friday to relax and decompress, then I'll be back, hopefully. I'll be putting in job apps, of course, but I'll also have spare time (WTF?!?! really?)

Otherwise, I'll be keeping up with the 30 days posts (next one coming right after I finish this), and just trying to keep up with everything. No major structural changes this week, nothing special, nothing profound unless something extremely pertinent hits me, and I might not follow you until I'm done with school, so don't think it's because I don't like you. Seriously.

All my love,

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07 August 2011

Freshman

As I'm finishing this week, I'm going into some retrospect as to how I got where I am today, and the first thing I think back to is the beginning of my college experience.

This is where it all began, 6 years ago, almost to the day. Same university, I even remember the first classes I took. At the time I was working at a fast food chain- for the sake of said chain, let's call it FFC (fast food chain). I'm laughing at that. Those who know me probably are too. I had just received my drivers' license less than a month before I started commuting there every day, and, the joy of everyone who wears orthodontia, I had just gotten my braces removed.

August 2005.

It seems like so long ago, but relatively, it wasn't. So much has changed since then.

It was my first year of college. I was in the honors college, after graduating second in my class and having an above average SAT score, and I had a stable, but not all that great, full-time job at FFC. I started out with honors Calculus, honors Biology (which I later dropped, after the realization that I was not at all a science person), a freshman honors class, and some other class I really don't remember.

I was a busy person, and I didn't know what kind of sucker-punch I was in for. After 2 semesters, I was kicked out of the honors college, and I lost my scholarship after 3. High school doesn't prepare you for college. Nothing prepares you for college except starting college.

The classes are different. The professors are nothing like your teachers. The expectations are different. You have more freedom. You're not required to attend class, but it's recommended, and it definitely helps. You get a lot more out of the experience if you participate. You can go to class in your pajamas. You can eat and drink in class, and bring your laptop for notes (usually).

I, of course, was still in high school mode. I went to every class, even my 8am honors Calculus class through rush hour traffic in Ft. Worth. I worked my FFC job at night. Often I spent most of my evening at work, working until 11 or midnight, so that I could go home and do homework, and wake up again as early as 4-5am.

What I Learnt:

1) The routine got old. I learnt along the way that you actually don't have to sign up for 8am classes- they actually offer classes all day. It's better to choose classes that are more suitable for your sleeping and waking schedule, otherwise, you'll be less motivated to attend, which leads me to...

2) Motivation is key. If you're not motivated in the class, it will be a brutal semester, and you will have to force yourself to do the work. If you love the class, it will be much easier to complete the work you have to do because you'll actually like what you're doing. That doesn't mean you can skip the class, which leads me to...

3) Don't skip class. Really. The professors sometimes say that they don't give a flying flip whether you attend class, but really, your grade is at stake. If you really think you can skip all the classes and pass, you should have CLEP'd out of the class anyway, instead of paying to take it. Attending class is really important, and often you miss more material if you don't go. It helps to make the material sink in more easily. Some professors even consider upping marginal grades for good attendance. Remember that the next time you reach for that snooze button.

4) Parking will be bad, no matter what school you go to. Get used to it. Parking lots will be full, they will create increasing faculty lots. Think of it as exercise. Some people have problems with the "Freshman 15"....maybe this will help combat that. Plus, it'll give you some time to think, and learn how to navigate campus and dodge traffic. Always a plus....

5) Take good notes. It's a good way to get people who want to study with you. Don't be the one looking for people with good notes, because the ones with good notes will probably want to avoid you. So...errr...maybe you should take good notes secretly or something. Don't be a magnet. Don't do all the work on group projects.

6) Remember some of the stuff you're learning. It's actually kind of useful. I've found myself reciting facts I learnt in some other class and I'm like "woah, I actually did learn something useful in there!" There is something to take from almost every class. You may not think so, but there is a reason for every class.

7) Depending on your major, learn APA or MLA formatting really quickly. I have, on my jump drive, a document that is already APA formatted (running head, margins, page numbers, title page, and whatnot) so that I can just input the information I need. This has been extremely helpful, so that I don't have to go through and try to remember how I edit the individual running heads on each page. Since I'm doing social work, most of my documents will be APA. Usually, you know by the end of your 1st year of classes which format most of your papers will be in. If you can't figure it out, the library almost always has someone who can help you, and most college campuses even have a writing center that can help you out with this. Use your resources. They're there for a reason!! (also, learn the difference between their, they're, and there, as well as your and you're...these are very common mistakes).

8) When you must do group projects, which you will at one point or another, make sure to get names and phone numbers of each group member, and archive any contact with them, for your purposes. This way, if they don't communicate, you have record of it. If they communicate poorly, or tell you they don't "want" to do something, you have record of it. This can be helpful when going through the process, and make sure you keep in touch with the professor if you have any problems.

9) You absolutely must have a jump drive, and this thing will be your savior. I even have a follower, who will go unnamed, who can attest to this. She had a computer crash while printing out a paper, and was able to take the jump drive to another computer and print it out. It saves your files, and it is helpful during presentations, rather than pulling up your email account in front of the class to open a presentation. It also holds lots of information, and it's easy to carry. It plugs into a USB port, and is compatible with the majority of computers (but make sure they don't require encryption as major corporations do, otherwise it will mess up your drive). They don't usually cost much, often less than $10, and they last forever. Get one.

These are just some of the things I wish I had known my freshman year of college. I stumbled my way through college, not having many people to turn to for advice in my family, and not having any friends that had been through the process. Eventually, I got through it, and learnt how things work, and now I'm close to graduation, so close that I can feel it breathing down my neck. I have a lot of apprehension about it, and it's been quite a journey. There's so much more I could write about it, but for now, I'll just "save it for later".

Deuces

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06 August 2011

30 days- Life lessons

OK, so maybe I'm a little late in jumping on the bandwagon, but usually I am when it comes to these things. Usually, I find out when I see someone I follow participating, then I hunt down the person who is posting the prompts, and follow them. This time, it is 30 Days About Me, by A Daily Dose of Toni (I have a cousin named Toni :) lol)

So, I caught on when we got to day 5, but I didn't get a chance to post it. I'm gonna make up for lost time, and go back and post all of them (short and sweet, of course, to make it simple) up until today. August 1st doesn't have a prompt, so August 2nd is Day 1. Then I'll be caught up with the challenge. So, here goes. (I'll start with day 5, since it's most pertinent, then I'll do the backlog).

Day 5: Yay, I've made it to today, August 6 (remember, August 1 didn't have a prompt): Favourite Quote- It's a kind of long Dennis Leary quote that I included in one of my recent posts.

“Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.”
Now, some might say "how pessimistic!!" but it's real life we're talking about. Things happen, good and bad. Just when you think you're up, another obstacle comes along. That's how life works. Some have it worse than others. At the time I picked the quote, I was in one of those massive stroke, left side paralyzed, limping the streets kind of modes. Now I'm regaining the power to walk and talk. I like it because it really brings out the fact that we all stumble and fall and make mistakes, but we get back up, and that's part of life. Sometimes, life does suck, but then it gets better, only to get worse, only to get better again.

You never know what's coming next, and you never know when that bus will hit. Yes, you'll die eventually, perhaps by that city bus, but you never know when or where. It's uncertainty. It's the ups and downs of life. You will face obstacles. Things will be bad at one point or another. Life is not beautiful and perfect 100% of the time. This is not me being pessimistic, but realistic.

Second quote: "Never doubt that a small group of people can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has" -Margaret Mead

I see that one in the social work building every time I take the stairs on the one end of the building. Truly, every change starts with a small group of people. In our case, a small group of social workers. Together, we, as students and as licensed workers work to advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves, we go to bat for anyone and everyone that needs assistance, we will stand up for those who need a step up to get to a level playing field. An idea must start somewhere. From there, it must grow before it can change the world. No world change has just suddenly happened because of a mass global epiphany. No, it's always started with a small group of people

Last quote: "An expert in something was always at one time a beginner" -Source unknown

How true is that? Nobody walks out of their mother knowing how to walk and talk. Nobody starts college with the ability to counsel people, or to write a (powerful and effective) thesis. Nobody walks into kindergarten knowing calculus (unless they're some sort of child prodigy). People have to start somewhere. An expert had to learn to be that expert from somewhere. It didn't just fall out of the sky and hit them on the head, and it wasn't just genetically built into them. They began working on it, and they practiced, and they learnt, and they grew, and then they became an expert.
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Day 1: Favourite song- I hate playing favourites, but currently, Hot Chelle Rae's "Tonight, Tonight" is my fave. It's like...look, I've had a lot of problems, I don't know if I'm gonna do really well, but I'm gonna party hard and do the best I can, even if I have to fake it. There are other older favourites, like "Scars" by Papa Roach, because it shows raw emotion, and the line "my weakness is that I care too much" (and boy, do I care too much). There's also the All American Rejects "Move Along" with the lyrics "When all you've got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know ya do, and even when your hope is gone move along, move along just to make it through"....heck, I know that sometimes, when hope is gone, that's hard to do. So many songs have meaningful parts that I really could write a whole post on song lyrics, and maybe one day I will. That's something to keep in mind.

Day 2: Favourite movie- do I have to pick one? I love humourous movies, I love scary movies, my favourite I guess, are ones that make you think. The most recent I liked were Insidious and Inception. I guess maybe they need to start with an I? Naw, just kidding about the last part. I'm not much of a movie buff, and I really hate picking favourites, but when it comes to movies, I either like or hate it.

Day 3: Favourite television show- hands down, Criminal Minds. I have a secret (not so much secret anymore) crush on Reid. He is so super intelligent, and up until the recent seasons, had the most awesome hair. He's everything I want. OK, after Criminal Minds comes The Big Bang Theory. Uh, more geeky people. LOL. I guess I'm attracted to them. I also like Law and Order SVU (more intelligent minds), and other shows where there are smart people. Definitely.

Day 4: Favourite Book- Dang, what's with all this favourite stuff? If I had to pick...it would be something Jodi Picoult...or "Elsewhere"....or "Her Lovely Bones"....or "Sharp Objects...or "The Time Traveller's Wife"....or "The Book Thief"...or I like too many books, lmao. I was a born reader. I've always been an avid reader, I devour books like they're food. They never last more than a day or two before I've read them cover to cover unless they're really bad writing.

And that's all I have for today (and it's a lot).

Deuces,

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Case Study

I'm facing the ever so difficult "writer's block".

This time, though, I'm not actually trying to create a blog. I'm trying to write a diagnosis. It's a case study for my psychology class, and it's almost like I don't know where to get started.

What's wrong with that? I worked for a while with assessments and whatnot, and I had to write a case study last year which was very similar. Why, then, is it so difficult for me to write this diagnosis this semester? Is it the anxiety factoring in because this is my last university assignment? Is it because I'm actually being graded on this one?

I finished my jurisprudence exam last night, which was much more tedious and boring, with no problems. 126 questions about the legal stuff, and I had to spend 30 seconds on each question (which is a lot, if you read as quickly as I do & the questions are multiple choice). I filled out the applications and got all the references, now I just need a dean's letter (which I won't be able to get until Monday, because the secretary was out today), and I can mail out the application and a check.

This is hurting me more than that. What's the deal? I've written enough papers to stretch to China and back. I've finished almost 20 years worth of assignments throughout school (wow, I'm almost 24 already?!?!). I can't figure out what is holding up this last, final, tiny piece of my education that could make or break me (it's worth 1/4 of my grade). What is it that is causing such anxiety that I can't even begin to start this case study? I even know the woman has extreme obsessive-compulsive tendencies stemming from her childhood; these are based on social and psychological underpinnings, as well as a trauma that she witnessed in early adulthood that causes her to overprotect her children. So why can't I put that into a paper? Why can't I support it with evidence?

I've been trying and trying to get a start on this for a long time, but it eludes me. Everything about it seems so...distant and difficult, yet I know it's not. I'm just putting too much pressure on myself, yet I know that it's easy and I can do it.

Oh, the things that the knowledge of graduating soon is doing to my already mushy brain.

I can count it on one hand now.
The anxiety increases.
Final exam Thursday.
Cheers.

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03 August 2011

Random Whatnot

Allergies. They are so killer. I want to saw my nose off and gouge my eyes out. I can't breathe through my nose. My eyes are watering, and they itch horribly. My head hurts. I'm cold. My nose is runny. Yet I still can't breathe through it. WTF?

And it makes it a bad idea to even try to wear makeup. I had a presentation tonight. I decided to look up what kind of mascara might be ok to wear if one has eye allergies. Even clear mascara didn't help (and it even said opthamologist approved), so I'm guessing I just can't wear eye makeup. Suckage! The presentation may have gone well. There were no questions. We got applause. They seemed to like our idea. I kept stumbling over my words though. I was really nervous, as I always am in front of people. Not to mention the allergy thing. I'll find out my score next week.

We're stacking up 100+ degree days. Every day in the 10 days is supposed to have a high above 105F (40C), and we're already over a month straight. We're on track to break the record, which was set in 1980. That's 31 years ago. Before I was even born. Yipee.

I have Klout now. Yay! Apparently, I'm influential about bp (I'm thinking the video I posted about the bp oil spill quite a while back was sent around a lot and maybe that's why? If it was bipolar, it would probably write out the whole word, but that's just a guess). I'm also influential about phobias, blogging, blogs, Texas, moms, apple (I don't even own anything apple anymore), iphones (never had one), writing, and email. Some of those sound kind of...uh, thrown in there. But hey, my score has gone up, so I won't complain! I just don't understand all the features that go into it all quite yet....

I'm down in the single digits counting the days to the end. I finished my presentation tonight. I'm done with all my social work projects, which means now it just comes down to grading. I'll find that out next week, and I'll have that all done and over with. For psychology, I have a case study, one more quiz, and a final exam. I have wrap up appointments, and I have to finish getting professional references so I can sit to take the licensing exam. Then, in a few weeks, I can pick up my degree. I also have this overwhelming urge to go ahead and pick up an alumni sticker, but I don't want to do that quite yet....because I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch. You know.

My brain isn't functioning in a full train of thought. Anxiety and all. My thoughts are scattered. My next few posts may be kind of like this, because I can't quite put it all together. I'm so nervous! This is it! The end of it all! I've been in school since I was 4....I know nothing else! Almost 20 years of school! What to do now? I have no idea. Deer in the headlights.

My brother's fiance wants to go pick out bridesmaid dresses on the one day I can't go, during my class. I want to go, but I can't! It's so frustrating, because I can't be there. At least I know I'll be dressed in blue...I want them to take pictures and send them to me, at least. That would be cool.

See how scattered my thinking is? I hope this doesn't carry over into my last paper and my final exam. Oi! Dios mio!! That would be horrible! I need to gather my thoughts.

Deuces, for now

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01 August 2011

Things I know about change



Change is scary.

I will be going through a major change next Thursday, when I go to my last class of my undergraduate career. Then, suddenly, I'll be a college graduate. I'll be finished. I'll lose all the university privilege stuff that I've been using, the library, the username that I can log in and read all the boring fascinating research articles, parking on campus, and whatnot.

Everyone experiences change differently. I experience change through major and almost disabling anxiety that makes me so anxious that it's almost impossible to construct and understand formal language.

Change doesn't have to be this scary, but each person's interpretation and environment, as well as previous responses to change and outcomes can affect their predisposition to anxiety and whatnot.

Change can be good or bad, but you never know until you actually experience the change.

The same change can be viewed differently by different individuals. My graduation from college is being met by excitement by most people, but I am to the point of fear and almost dread because I don't know what comes next, since I don't have my social work licensure yet, and that may take until November.

I'm wanting to handle this change in a more positive way, but it's hard when you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you've been in the tunnel so long that the light blinds you, and you can't make out what is on the outside. It's been a 6-year long journey through university, with many stops, very many slow and steady semesters, trying to take it at my own pace and just make it through, and now that I've sped up a little and I'm finishing, it is scary. It's hard to describe to someone who hasn't been there.

I'm not putting pressure on myself. Well, I mean, I am, because with a degree, you're supposed to be able to *more easily* get a job, but that's not always the case. I want it to happen. I need to move out, I need to move on. I need to make changes but it's scary when everything changes at once.

Another thing I know about change: it isn't easy. It's never easy. Sometimes it's more manageable than others, but it's never simply easy. Adjustments always have to be made somewhere.

And that, everyone, is my first "Things I know" post for "Yay for Home"
Edit: as well as my first "Freaky Friday Follow"


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29 July 2011

From Excitement to Fear

Anyone who has read a few, or maybe even just one of my posts, knows that I've been really excited about completing college (read here, here, here, here, here, here, and here, and that's just some of what I've blogged since the beginning of 2011). I was even really upset when it was almost taken away from me. I've been talking about it a lot, and finishing after six years and a lot of hard work is a really exciting thing, although I'm certain a few people are like "ok, I've heard enough already."

But now it's turned to a great big ball of apprehension. I mean massive. I mean Texas-sized. Not like comparing Texas hamburger buns to regular buns (yes, I did that once, there's not much of a difference). I mean that I'm constantly thinking about how afraid I am of finishing. It's like I've finally reached the end of that tunnel, yes! The end of the tunnel!....What's after the tunnel? I don't know.

I know that I have to get a license. I've started the process, but I only have one professional contact that has given me the go-ahead to put them on my application to sit for the exam. Yes, I have to have professional contacts to apply to take the exam. I'm still waiting for everyone else to respond. Some of them I've been poking with a (non-literal) fork. I've sent e-mails. Called. You get the idea. The ones that I see in person, I've asked in person, and they've asked me to send e-mails, to which they never responded. Once I send in the information, I still have to wait for an exam date, take the jurisprudence exam online, take the exam at designated location, and wait for it to be processed before I can be licensed.

I have to do all this before most places will hire me.

Which means no job yet. Wait, what? A degree but no job? Yep.

And it's not just that. The health center? Man, their costs were great. I can't go there anymore. The library? They had all this access to all these articles for no cost? Gone. All university services, gone, because I'm not technically a student anymore, remember? I don't know what happens to my university e-mail address. I'll no longer be able to park on campus, though. Talking to graduate admissions at the school of social work? I'll have to park off campus for that. I don't even know if that's legal. They certainly don't have visitor parking.

What about while I'm in between. What am I going to do while I'm waiting for all this licensing shit crap process to finish? I won't have a job, and I won't be in school. Nobody will want to hire me because I won't have a licensed, but I'll be "overqualified" for entry level jobs. I have no idea what to do, besides apply for jobs. I guess I could make that a job in itself, but then what? Licensure could take up to three months. *groan*

I don't know what to do once I'm out of school. I've never been out of school. To make matters worse, I'm still living in my parents' house. I feel like I'm graduating high school, not college. I'm nervous, and scared, because this is different. I never had the moving out experience. I never had a lot of experiences that I'm going to soon have all at once.

And it really didn't hit me that this was REAL until I looked at the countdown on my phone (see, I told you I wasn't excited) and it read two weeks. Something triggered in my mind that said "oh shit, this is real." and now I am almost paralyzed with fear. Constant, heart-gripping fear that I cover up with excitement. I announced that I was excited with the 98 I got on my psychology midterm. I was really afraid because that's my last midterm. I have one last paper, one last presentation, one last final, two more quizzes, and I'm done.

Someone hold me.

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27 July 2011

Overanalytical

I'm very flustered and anxious right now.

Completing a psychology assignment. About anxiety.

It's funny, though, I really want to be a smart-ass about the answer, because I've been searching for hours for the answer- online, in the book, in the powerpoints, in my notes, and the term "complex phobia" does not appear a single time, yet is on this huge assignment, as a question worth 6pts The question?:

Explain the difference between a simple (specific) and complex phobia. Provide one example of a simple and a specific phobia. Name the five subtypes of specific phobia and explain how they differ from each other.

There are a few problems with this question.

1) There is no definition (anywhere) of a complex phobia. They never talked about it. They never described it. (I have two professors, co-teaching). 2) They tell you to give an example of a simple and a specific phobia. Those are the same thing, if you're going by the textbook. So do I just give two examples of the same thing? 3) There are only four subtypes, not five.

The smartass in me makes me want to point out the flaws in the questioning, just as I wanted to point out the flaws in the PowerPoint today (boy, it was hard to not do so), but another part of me feels like that's a stupid idea, considering they do assign grades. Another part of me thinks maybe they didn't notice this when they wrote out the exam, and might actually appreciate someone actually pointing it out.

Another part of me thinks I'm way too overanalytical (and I think a few other people would probably agree with that). After all, I did have to shrink my writing to write a few of the other "short answer" explanations....

Wish me luck on my midterm

Deuces,

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Weight Loss

I've been desperate to lose weight for quite some time. It's actually been up and down for a while for me, and now it's up higher than it's ever been, which is very depressing for me. I've heard that I don't look what I weigh, and while that's sometimes encouraging, it's also depressing that the numbers on the scale are so high.

When I was young, I was fairly thin. I started to fill out in middle-high school, where I went straight from childrens' sizes to adult size 7-9s. I wasn't too happy with my size in middle or high school, but I never let on about it, because I didn't want the ridicule of "oh, you're perfectly fine, there's nothing wrong with you" when I knew, in my mind, that I was overweight. I gradually gained weight through high school, but it was so gradual that by graduation I was only an 11-13. Not too bad.

I started working after high school, and, working at the fast food chain I worked at, you'd think I'd gain a ton of weight. I thought I'd gain a ton of weight, especially since I had all access to fried food (for free), as well as constant access to fountain drinks. Mountain Dew was my best friend. Another factor- the freshman 15. I was starting my freshman year of college. Add that all up- freshman year of college, constant fried food diet, and liters of Mountain Dew daily- how the heck did I manage to lose enough to be in a size 9 by the time I left that job? Eating disorder. One that I had for a while, but kept secret, and it didn't become severe until I was away from home for more than just the school day.

I left that job for a big box retailer, and continued to shed pounds. When I graduated high school, I weighed 170lb (~77kg). After approximately 2 years, by the end of 2006, I was down to 125lb (~56.5kg). That's a significant loss. Thing is, even after I changed my ways, I kept the weight off for a while. That is, until mid-2008. Suddenly, I started gaining massive amounts of weight because of a medication, and I knew what and why, and immediately stopped it, but the damage was already done, and I had gained back most of what I had lost.

It was difficult for me, to have gone from being larger, to being a size that I was not ashamed of, then to balloon back to a size I was ashamed of within a matter of 2 months. After that, I continued to gain weight at a steady rate, and no amount of [anything I did] stopped or reversed the weight gain.

At 225lb (~102kg), I knew I had to do something. My doctor knew. I kept talking about it. I still keep talking about it. It seems, though, like every time I get active, I hurt myself. Heck, I was stepping off a curb the other day and faceplanted in the street. In front of a lot of people. Not pleasant. When I tried to stand up, my heavy bag pushed me down into another faceplant. I couldn't get up. It took another person helping me up. My legs are now in pain, lots of pain, my knees and ankles too. Both sides felt it.

I'm on a tablet that's supposed to have a side effect of weight loss. It's curbed the weight gain, but no loss yet. I'm trying to exercise when I can, at least some yoga, and I try to run from class to my car (where there are no curbs, that is), and vice-versa. I take the stairs. I try to eat healthy, although when there are unhealthy foods around, I do get tempted, and sometimes give in.

I'm starting to feel like it's a lost cause. Many of my family members are obese. My sister isn't, but she thinks she probably will be. She's more accepting of it...but she's not there yet. I don't want to be here...I had a taste of being not obese, and it felt nice, and I want it back. I want to be able to find clothes in my size again. I want to be able to go out and not feel like I'm being stared at because I'm overweight. I'd like to be able to eat the things I like, but I know that's not possible.

What I'd like, most of all, though, is to be proud of, and to accept, who I am. That is something that I really would like to get out of my life. Why is that such a difficult concept for me to grasp? Why must it be so difficult for me to just get it and move on? Why must I focus and obsess over it so much?

Whatever this is, it's not healthy, and I don't see any good coming out of it. I just wish I could be the thinner person I used to be again, What am I thinking? That's not likely to happen. Such is life....

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24 July 2011

Dream on

Last night I had this spectacular dream, and I really wish this is the way I could go about removing everything from my room for the re-carpeting after the disaster from the hot water heater thing.

I was able to start with the non-essentials and things I rarely use, like my printer, desk, bookshelf, and TV stand, move this as well as my dresser into my brother's room in order to at least start sorting things out in my bedroom. It gave me a ton more space to work with, and I felt more confident sorting things out this way.

You know, it's very daunting when you have a ton of stuff in front of you, and you have to figure out what to do with it all, and you just end up moving it to where it looks a little neater, but it's all still there. It's to that point with me! I have all the things I want, nothing I want to get rid of, and nowhere to move anything right now, so in order to prepare for moving things out of my room for re-carpeting...I really don't have many options!

I haven't talked this idea out yet, but when I was dreaming it felt like reality, and it felt so good. I ended up sleeping later than I had planned. I still have stuff I'm unearthing that smells like sewer water now that it's been in the dark & wet for so long. I had a footboard underneath my bed that was supposed to at one point actually be attached to my bed, "we'll find the part," but that never happened. There was stuff underneath it. Just like I have sets of curtains that were to be hung in my room, "we have the pieces," and I told them I only had 90 days to make sure they were the right width; alas, more than 2 years later, they sit on my windowseat still in their package.

I want to start this process of moving things out, such as the filing cabinet, printer, desk, dresser, bookshelf, chair, some of the stuff in my windowseat (which I'm now hoping wasn't affected), my TV stand, which would leave only my bed and closet to sort through, and I feel like that might make things a bit easier. But where would we find all the boxes for this sort of stuff. And once we got sorted through all of it, where would all of it go? It could go in my brother's room temporarily, but he needs re-carpeting too, and I think they want to do it on the same day. Where to then? I wish this were a much easier process. Taking things apart, moving them around, and moving them back in. Perhaps I should downsize all the stuff I have, since I'll be moving out soon anyway, hopefully, when I get a decent job out of college. I can only hope. It's just scary though, looking at it all together, I want to look at it piece by piece, but I can't do it that way when it's like this.

That process in my dream? I can only dream. Dream on.

*groan of frustration*

Deuces,

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