29 July 2011

From Excitement to Fear

Anyone who has read a few, or maybe even just one of my posts, knows that I've been really excited about completing college (read here, here, here, here, here, here, and here, and that's just some of what I've blogged since the beginning of 2011). I was even really upset when it was almost taken away from me. I've been talking about it a lot, and finishing after six years and a lot of hard work is a really exciting thing, although I'm certain a few people are like "ok, I've heard enough already."

But now it's turned to a great big ball of apprehension. I mean massive. I mean Texas-sized. Not like comparing Texas hamburger buns to regular buns (yes, I did that once, there's not much of a difference). I mean that I'm constantly thinking about how afraid I am of finishing. It's like I've finally reached the end of that tunnel, yes! The end of the tunnel!....What's after the tunnel? I don't know.

I know that I have to get a license. I've started the process, but I only have one professional contact that has given me the go-ahead to put them on my application to sit for the exam. Yes, I have to have professional contacts to apply to take the exam. I'm still waiting for everyone else to respond. Some of them I've been poking with a (non-literal) fork. I've sent e-mails. Called. You get the idea. The ones that I see in person, I've asked in person, and they've asked me to send e-mails, to which they never responded. Once I send in the information, I still have to wait for an exam date, take the jurisprudence exam online, take the exam at designated location, and wait for it to be processed before I can be licensed.

I have to do all this before most places will hire me.

Which means no job yet. Wait, what? A degree but no job? Yep.

And it's not just that. The health center? Man, their costs were great. I can't go there anymore. The library? They had all this access to all these articles for no cost? Gone. All university services, gone, because I'm not technically a student anymore, remember? I don't know what happens to my university e-mail address. I'll no longer be able to park on campus, though. Talking to graduate admissions at the school of social work? I'll have to park off campus for that. I don't even know if that's legal. They certainly don't have visitor parking.

What about while I'm in between. What am I going to do while I'm waiting for all this licensing shit crap process to finish? I won't have a job, and I won't be in school. Nobody will want to hire me because I won't have a licensed, but I'll be "overqualified" for entry level jobs. I have no idea what to do, besides apply for jobs. I guess I could make that a job in itself, but then what? Licensure could take up to three months. *groan*

I don't know what to do once I'm out of school. I've never been out of school. To make matters worse, I'm still living in my parents' house. I feel like I'm graduating high school, not college. I'm nervous, and scared, because this is different. I never had the moving out experience. I never had a lot of experiences that I'm going to soon have all at once.

And it really didn't hit me that this was REAL until I looked at the countdown on my phone (see, I told you I wasn't excited) and it read two weeks. Something triggered in my mind that said "oh shit, this is real." and now I am almost paralyzed with fear. Constant, heart-gripping fear that I cover up with excitement. I announced that I was excited with the 98 I got on my psychology midterm. I was really afraid because that's my last midterm. I have one last paper, one last presentation, one last final, two more quizzes, and I'm done.

Someone hold me.

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5 comments:

Claudia Crowley said...

Don't know what to say. with your brains and grades, you'll be able to find something to tide over while getting licensed.

♥α§ђ£ε¥™♥ said...

I certainly hope so...

I'm concerned...

Tamsyn said...

Good luck Ashley, I'm sure it will all work out for you :)

♥α§ђ£ε¥™♥ said...

Thanks, I sure hope so

mixedgems said...

Hi. Visiting form Glowless FYBF. I can almost imagine where you must be at. I was there many years ago. Exciting and scary. Scary because of the unknowns. It's hard to be sure where you'll end up in years to come. Life brings twists and turns. We can only control so much. So maybe consider little steps such as some short-term volunteer work in a related field maybe, just until you have a better picture of what's going on. Maybe even a short-term non career related role, just to keep busy and earn a little cash. Anyway, good luck.

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