October: an update

I know I've been gone a while, so I thought I should give a brief update:

Things were quiet around the first of the month. I watched the American League Championship Series (baseball) because the Texas Rangers were playing. They're now in the World Series playing the St. Louis Cardinals. Seeing as my mom was born and raised in St. Louis, and her half the family lives there, this has led to a house divided. My mom is a die-hard Cardinals fan, and my brother is supporting her. We live in Ranger territory. Since I was born in Florida but have lived most of my life in Texas, I'm rooting for the Texas Rangers. My sister is born & raised Texan, so obviously rooting for Texas. My dad is born and raised Texan, but his wife is rooting for the Cardinals, so mostly keeping his mouth shut....although he did make a nice quote tonight when a Cardinal caught a nice hit to the outfield- that it was a Cardinal sin. The looks my mom gave him were priceless. It's really led to a house divided, and even some battles amongst the family members. I think it'll end up being the Rangers winning, sadly, in St. Louis, rather than in their home field. *sigh*

My sister has been having marching competitions because it's marching season, and she's a clarinet in the marching band. They've done really well, advancing to area competition. If they do well at area they'll compete at state for the first time in school history. She also turned 16 on the 22nd, my baby sister is growing up so fast! She got some gifts she liked, and got to hang out with friends. If I could rewind and have a sweet 16 like that, I would. I went and saw Elf, and had to separate my "friends" because they hated each other, even though they barely knew each other, and neither of them even talks to me anymore...I don't know if that's good or bad. We went and had Red Lobster (and got stuffed, so much to eat), watched Paranormal Activity 3, and I think she had a good time.

I'm also in the transition period between dropping university services and finding outside services. In other university news, last week, I picked up my cap, gown, tassels, and degree. I'm in the process of getting tickets- I've signed up, and tickets will be released soon. I'm anxious. I'm still trying to pick a place to temporarily hang my degree in my room.

I'm also on the hunt for jobs, still. I have an interview at JCPenney on Thursday. I'm really nervous about it, and should I bring a resume? My resume needs to be completely retyped, and looks pretty horrible thus far. This is, though, my first interview amongst all the jobs I've applied for, so I'm ready to put everything I have into it. It's a retail job (oh the horror!!!) but I think I can handle it, after the previous retail job I've held in the holidays, as well as the communication skills I've built and the work ethic.

So that, so far, has been my October. We're preparing for Halloween (oh, this really is a horror, let me tell you). We usually have upwards of 600 trick or treaters- kept track of by packages of Pixi Stix. We buy enough for 600, sit on the patio out front (no use in sitting inside, they just come up the driveway/front path in lines, there's not even time to shut the door before the next kid is there), hand out one pixi stick and something else to each kid till we run out of Pixi Stix, then we shut the lights out (and still the doorbell rings, since we usually run out early).

Pollen and whatnot is all bothering right now, and most of the time I am ending the day with a bad headache and/or stuffy nose, watery eyes, something that makes me want to avoid typing this much. Today I did it, I finally mustered up enough to type a whole blog. I plan on coming back in November to my daily blogging, hopefully. As of now, I don't have much to blog about anyway, as my days are typically empty and boring. My whole month filled one blog. Pitiful, right?

Until next time,

The Good & the Bad

I got some good news today.

Unfortunately, the good news always comes with a ton of bad news saddled to its back.

It was a normal day for me. I woke up around my average time, checked my online mail, my phone, perused some sites looking for jobs, waited for mom to come home. I got a call asking me to fill my sister's water jug for band camp and bring it out so my mom can take it down to the high school when she drives by, so I do so, then I come back to my computer.

My mom comes home, and brings in the mail, telling me that I have some mail. Figuring it's some credit card company, I yell out asking what is it? I start wandering out there, not expecting much, then I remember that I'm waiting for news from Austin. I was thinking maybe it would come in phone-call fashion, but the thought popped into my head that it might not, so I asked "Is it from Austin?"

I didn't get an answer immediately. I get out to the kitchen, and she says "It says something about social work..." and I start running full speed to the family room. She asked how badly I wanted it, and I said I'd fight her for it if I had to. I've been waiting for this since the beginning of August!! I try ripping the envelope open, but they're smarter than making it that easy to open. It even says "Official State Mail Penalty For Private Use" on the stamp. I grab the letter opener and slide that sucker open.

I've been approved to take the state licensing exam.

I do my little celebration dance, with a little yelling and whatnot involved.

Then I go to the website to register. Party over. I have to register with the website to take the exam, and I have to pay before I can register to take the exam. I don't have the money to take the exam. Needless to say, I have to wait even longer to take the exam- probably necessitating the acquisition of a job before I can do so. Good news? Well, I guess it always has to come saddled with bad news.

The internship wasn't my first choice, and didn't end the way I wanted it to, graduation meant I needed a license, and the license is requiring so much money that it's astonishing. Not to mention that graduation is draining enough money by itself, and I can't even invite all the people I want to- it might be limited to 4 people, possibly 10, if I'm lucky. Life's little lessons- you have to take the good with the bad, right? Well, I guess I'm gonna become pretty good at that.

At least I'm approved to take the exam, the news I've been waiting for!! Now I just have to wait for everything else to fall into place....

Under Pressure

I feel the pressure. I may not look or act like it, but I'm under a lot of pressure right now, and I feel it.

The headaches, I believe, are something nose/sinus related. Ugh. I hope they go soon.

Back to the pressure. Undue, probably- it's my own doing. You see, the state timeline says in about four to six weeks after receiving your application, they contact you about sitting for the licensing exam. According to my bank account, they withdrew the money about four weeks ago, which means that's when they received my application. I'm in that window. Under those circumstances, that means they should be contacting me any day now about sitting for my licensing exam.

Under those circumstances, I'm placing myself under a lot of pressure, because that means the next step is the actual exam. The one where I answer the questions and whatnot. Under those circumstances, if they don't call me back, I might need to worry, because that means they might be not approving me for the license. Under those circumstances...um.

Undetermined outcome. Undesired outcome? Unsure of what might happen. Under-informed on what actually happens at this stage of licensure. Unusual to be this tense about what might happen? I'm nervous, very nervous. It doesn't help that my sleeping patterns are out of whack and that my head is killing me because of a probably nose/sinus related thingamabob that has my head feeling like an inflated balloon.

Uninformed that thingamabob is actually a word, according to Chrome, but licensure, which actually is a word, is underlined according to spell check. I'm appalled that Chrome is so misinformed about the English language. Google, where do you get your information? I would Google it, but that would be a redundant task and likely wouldn't give me any answers as to why thingamabob is considered a word, when it is slang, while licensure is not a word. *smh* Google, *smh*.

Lack of Structure

I'm feeling a little unsettled right now, even though I don't have a whole lot going on in my life...and that's probably a good portion of the reason why.

For so much of my life, I've always had something going on...whether it was school, or a job, or an extracurricular activity, it seems there was almost always something to do, and now that I'm grasping for straws, without a license and grades yet to be released, I feel sort of in a panic.

How do people who don't have something structuring their life day to day handle it? I mean, even moms have something to structure their lives around (children), but I don't have that. I have nothing to structure my life around.

The few potential I-might-apply-for-this-job places that I've found have had so many qualifications and I've lacked one, and I've been so terrified they'd throw me out because I lack that one thing that I haven't moved yet. I don't have the final grades. I don't have the license. I don't have anyone or anything to structure myself around, and I'm not used to that.

Thus, I have not much to write about. My blog is starting to lack content due to the lack of stimulation, structure, and activity. I thought it might be relaxing, but it's not at all relaxing...on the contrary, it's stressful, and it makes me want to hide in bed all day (which doesn't help the situation).

Day 9: A good memory

Day 9: Something that makes my life easier-

This is a difficult one. As of late, my life is all but "easy"...but it will be simpler soon, once I have my degree. Not to say it will be completely simple, as I won't be licensed or have a job yet, I'll have to work on finding a job and whatnot, but I'll be finished with my degree, and that's a positive.

Something currently that makes my life easier? I'd have to say that the fact that I retain information well definitely makes life easier. I don't remember everything, but I remember a lot of things. When it comes time to remember things, I usually do pretty well, sometimes even under pressure. Surprisingly, I test well. Not as well as I'd always like, but I'm a bit of a perfectionist.

Sometimes, it doesn't work out as an advantage- sometimes, I remember things I don't want to remember. Bad memories are hard to get rid of, and I can't choose which things I remember or forget. I wish it was that easy, but it's not.

Fortunately, for the most part, I remember the things I need and want to remember. If I need to jog my memory, I know how to do so, and that's another thing that makes my life easier- I know how I learn and remember. Of course, explaining it to someone is like explaining to someone why 1 comes after 0, but I have a natural way of reminding myself of things, and usually other people are stuped by it.

It's a good thing usually, having so many memories, being able to look back at them and see things so clearly even a decade later (or longer). I'm glad that I'm able to be able to do so, and I'm glad that I'm able to use my short-term memory to remember the things I need to remember here and now- making my life so much easier when it comes to school, listening to people, completing tasks, writing, and just doing what I need to do.

Here's to a good memory

Case Study

I'm facing the ever so difficult "writer's block".

This time, though, I'm not actually trying to create a blog. I'm trying to write a diagnosis. It's a case study for my psychology class, and it's almost like I don't know where to get started.

What's wrong with that? I worked for a while with assessments and whatnot, and I had to write a case study last year which was very similar. Why, then, is it so difficult for me to write this diagnosis this semester? Is it the anxiety factoring in because this is my last university assignment? Is it because I'm actually being graded on this one?

I finished my jurisprudence exam last night, which was much more tedious and boring, with no problems. 126 questions about the legal stuff, and I had to spend 30 seconds on each question (which is a lot, if you read as quickly as I do & the questions are multiple choice). I filled out the applications and got all the references, now I just need a dean's letter (which I won't be able to get until Monday, because the secretary was out today), and I can mail out the application and a check.

This is hurting me more than that. What's the deal? I've written enough papers to stretch to China and back. I've finished almost 20 years worth of assignments throughout school (wow, I'm almost 24 already?!?!). I can't figure out what is holding up this last, final, tiny piece of my education that could make or break me (it's worth 1/4 of my grade). What is it that is causing such anxiety that I can't even begin to start this case study? I even know the woman has extreme obsessive-compulsive tendencies stemming from her childhood; these are based on social and psychological underpinnings, as well as a trauma that she witnessed in early adulthood that causes her to overprotect her children. So why can't I put that into a paper? Why can't I support it with evidence?

I've been trying and trying to get a start on this for a long time, but it eludes me. Everything about it seems so...distant and difficult, yet I know it's not. I'm just putting too much pressure on myself, yet I know that it's easy and I can do it.

Oh, the things that the knowledge of graduating soon is doing to my already mushy brain.

I can count it on one hand now.

The anxiety increases.

Final exam Thursday.

Cheers.

Random Whatnot

Allergies. They are so killer. I want to saw my nose off and gouge my eyes out. I can't breathe through my nose. My eyes are watering, and they itch horribly. My head hurts. I'm cold. My nose is runny. Yet I still can't breathe through it. WTF?

And it makes it a bad idea to even try to wear makeup. I had a presentation tonight. I decided to look up what kind of mascara might be ok to wear if one has eye allergies. Even clear mascara didn't help (and it even said opthamologist approved), so I'm guessing I just can't wear eye makeup. Suckage! The presentation may have gone well. There were no questions. We got applause. They seemed to like our idea. I kept stumbling over my words though. I was really nervous, as I always am in front of people. Not to mention the allergy thing. I'll find out my score next week.

We're stacking up 100+ degree days. Every day in the 10 days is supposed to have a high above 105F (40C), and we're already over a month straight. We're on track to break the record, which was set in 1980. That's 31 years ago. Before I was even born. Yipee.

I have Klout now. Yay! Apparently, I'm influential about bp (I'm thinking the video I posted about the bp oil spill quite a while back was sent around a lot and maybe that's why? If it was bipolar, it would probably write out the whole word, but that's just a guess). I'm also influential about phobias, blogging, blogs, Texas, moms, apple (I don't even own anything apple anymore), iphones (never had one), writing, and email. Some of those sound kind of...uh, thrown in there. But hey, my score has gone up, so I won't complain! I just don't understand all the features that go into it all quite yet....

I'm down in the single digits counting the days to the end. I finished my presentation tonight. I'm done with all my social work projects, which means now it just comes down to grading. I'll find that out next week, and I'll have that all done and over with. For psychology, I have a case study, one more quiz, and a final exam. I have wrap up appointments, and I have to finish getting professional references so I can sit to take the licensing exam. Then, in a few weeks, I can pick up my degree. I also have this overwhelming urge to go ahead and pick up an alumni sticker, but I don't want to do that quite yet....because I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch. You know.

My brain isn't functioning in a full train of thought. Anxiety and all. My thoughts are scattered. My next few posts may be kind of like this, because I can't quite put it all together. I'm so nervous! This is it! The end of it all! I've been in school since I was 4....I know nothing else! Almost 20 years of school! What to do now? I have no idea. Deer in the headlights.

My brother's fiance wants to go pick out bridesmaid dresses on the one day I can't go, during my class. I want to go, but I can't! It's so frustrating, because I can't be there. At least I know I'll be dressed in blue...I want them to take pictures and send them to me, at least. That would be cool.

See how scattered my thinking is? I hope this doesn't carry over into my last paper and my final exam. Oi! Dios mio!! That would be horrible! I need to gather my thoughts.

Deuces, for now

From Excitement to Fear

Anyone who has read a few, or maybe even just one of my posts, knows that I've been really excited about completing college (read here, here, here, here, here, here, and here, and that's just some of what I've blogged since the beginning of 2011). I was even really upset when it was almost taken away from me. I've been talking about it a lot, and finishing after six years and a lot of hard work is a really exciting thing, although I'm certain a few people are like "ok, I've heard enough already."

But now it's turned to a great big ball of apprehension. I mean massive. I mean Texas-sized. Not like comparing Texas hamburger buns to regular buns (yes, I did that once, there's not much of a difference). I mean that I'm constantly thinking about how afraid I am of finishing. It's like I've finally reached the end of that tunnel, yes! The end of the tunnel!....What's after the tunnel? I don't know.

I know that I have to get a license. I've started the process, but I only have one professional contact that has given me the go-ahead to put them on my application to sit for the exam. Yes, I have to have professional contacts to apply to take the exam. I'm still waiting for everyone else to respond. Some of them I've been poking with a (non-literal) fork. I've sent e-mails. Called. You get the idea. The ones that I see in person, I've asked in person, and they've asked me to send e-mails, to which they never responded. Once I send in the information, I still have to wait for an exam date, take the jurisprudence exam online, take the exam at designated location, and wait for it to be processed before I can be licensed.

I have to do all this before most places will hire me.

Which means no job yet. Wait, what? A degree but no job? Yep.

And it's not just that. The health center? Man, their costs were great. I can't go there anymore. The library? They had all this access to all these articles for no cost? Gone. All university services, gone, because I'm not technically a student anymore, remember? I don't know what happens to my university e-mail address. I'll no longer be able to park on campus, though. Talking to graduate admissions at the school of social work? I'll have to park off campus for that. I don't even know if that's legal. They certainly don't have visitor parking.

What about while I'm in between. What am I going to do while I'm waiting for all this licensing shit crap process to finish? I won't have a job, and I won't be in school. Nobody will want to hire me because I won't have a licensed, but I'll be "overqualified" for entry level jobs. I have no idea what to do, besides apply for jobs. I guess I could make that a job in itself, but then what? Licensure could take up to three months. *groan*

I don't know what to do once I'm out of school. I've never been out of school. To make matters worse, I'm still living in my parents' house. I feel like I'm graduating high school, not college. I'm nervous, and scared, because this is different. I never had the moving out experience. I never had a lot of experiences that I'm going to soon have all at once.

And it really didn't hit me that this was REAL until I looked at the countdown on my phone (see, I told you I wasn't excited) and it read two weeks. Something triggered in my mind that said "oh shit, this is real." and now I am almost paralyzed with fear. Constant, heart-gripping fear that I cover up with excitement. I announced that I was excited with the 98 I got on my psychology midterm. I was really afraid because that's my last midterm. I have one last paper, one last presentation, one last final, two more quizzes, and I'm done.

Someone hold me.

The Simple Dude

The shout out is in the title, yo, but in case you don't know who he is, or haven't seen his site before, you can find Simple Dude in a Complex World here, and you can find his book here. There's even better news- the book is uber cheap- $1.99 to be exact. That means for less than $2US you can learn how to make your own blog more popular (if it isn't already)!

Credit

Now, when I started out, to be honest, I thought that none of the stuff in there would be helpful for increasing readership, to be honest. I was like, "ok, this dude started out with more readers than I have JUST started getting..." because he talks about having hundreds of readers in the beginning. So maybe my contents need some revision. You know what, though? After reading on, I realized, I'm doing this for myself....and I'm awfully wordy anyway. I always have been!

Then I got to it. The meat of it. What I was looking for. The tips. You know what? The tips he mentioned are the ones that have increased my readership five-fold in the past two months (seriously). But you know what? I'm not going to mention it. You know why? I think it's a good book, and worth the $1.99. You can read it online even! It's not something that you need to spend days or even hours reading, and seriously, the tips are helpful. I've used them. Some of them without knowing it. Some of them might be helpful to you, if you're just starting out.

What's even better is that the tips are simple. Plain and simple. What would you expect from a guy whose moniker is "The Simple Dude"? Simplicity. He puts it out there, and makes it so easy to understand. Seriously, I encourage you to get it. It's so easy to get, and it's less than a caramel mocha at Starbucks (or whatever you drink), cheaper than most of the food you buy, heck, it's cheaper than half a gallon of gas in some places, and it's almost certain to help you if you need help stepping into the blogging world.

Some of you may have tips to add for me (if you do, I don't mind, because I'm really wanting to know how to get more people here, besides being less wordy and adding lots of pictures, because I'm no artist). After all, there are some larger bloggers than me out there reading my blog (you know who you are- don't hide), and there are some smaller bloggers and/or people who don't blog at all (hi dad, Courtney- why the heck did you view my blog 12 times yesterday??, mom).

All in all, it starts out scaring you with no tips, making you think "omg, I already failed by not starting out with hundreds of readers...oh, I'm a loser, I can't draw," but then adds tips in about halfway that make you rethink your format. I could put more pictures in, such as Mona Lisa:

I'm just here because people like pictures, and I like hanging with Ashley.
Nobody owns the copyright for me except da Vinci
This photo of me was found here

I could also insert an image of Starry Night:

I have no purpose here other than I also like hanging with Ashley.
Nobody can claim my copyright other than van Gogh
Why do all these artists have 2 surnames? Ashley should also have 2 surnames.
This image was grabbed from this site.

As you can see, the pictures really lend nothing to my blog. I don't know what photos to add. I could add a photo of me, but I'd lose a lot of viewers unless I photoshopped it, and I don't have photoshop. I am unwilling to be like the chick here and completely ruin my self esteem with a deprecating answer such as the one chosen, so I will forget self-images. I will continue to write.

I have noticed that people did like the one vlog I did. That got a lot of traffic. It was also highly publicized. The other vlog flopped. Badly. Seeing as I am socially awkward, I think my days of vlogging are...very limited, unless I otherwise see a demand for them (which seems unlikely).

I try to improve, I really do. Now that I've got my hands on this book, I have more ideas [ensue evil laughter] {just kidding about the evil part. I really don't have an evil laugh}.

Now, I've really got other things on my mind, but I really promised this book review, and it's a bit later than I had planned on it being. Until the other things on my mind clear, it's gonna be rough on me, blogging and all. If you haven't read my last blog, or if you haven't talked to me especially, you don't know much about what's going on. Here's the DL

I made a mistake at my internship in a rush to get prepared to go out of town, so that I could work on my project while away. A big mistake. I didn't know it until the next day, when I was on my way out the door. I may or may not be losing my internship. I've already been told that I did something wrong, and was sobbing over the phone about it, and I know there's a meeting awaiting me when I return. I've not been able to relax, really. I've not been able to work on my project, either, since I had to clear information out. It's a big embarrassment to me, and could cost me a lot of things, including my internship, I could fail this class and have to extend my graduation by up to 2 semesters. I could lose the chance to graduate under this degree completely, and the chance to work with this degree, even if I do graduate. I could lose the chance for licensure, many things could go wrong.

I don't know exactly what will happen yet. I know the company is going to be fined and face consequences for my mistake. There are other things, minor in comparison, going on as well, but I've just not been able to bring my head to a peaceful level, where I can just enjoy the last little bit of time that I have before my other class starts. I'm too worried, too disheveled. I'm a mess. My future looks like a disaster zone right now. So, in case anyone really is wondering, or cares, that's what's going down.

Deuces