Like a bug that's been squashed.
That's what's been going through my head all day. I had a meeting this morning, after arriving home late last night, about the fate of my internship. After talking through what happened, that's what I heard, terminated. I gave up my badge, my keys, and broke down. I don't think there have been that many times that I have been that upset. I've been pretty upset at times before, but that was one of the worst.
I try not to do things wrong. I go through things meticulously. I was in a hurry and I made a mistake, unknowingly, and now I'm suffering the consequences. It may mean one or more extra semesters in school, as well as another field placement. They'll have to know about why I was terminated. It'll follow me. I may be able to find a placement, but between finding a placement, interviewing, training, and whatnot, I don't know if I'll be able to meet the requisite 100 hours remaining by the end of the semester. Meaning I'd fail if I tried.
I'm at a loss. Just over two weeks ago, I had no idea. I was expecting graduation. I was excited. I was planning individual sessions and joking with interns and counselors. I was walking around there with familiarity and I was doing a good job. They even said I was doing a good job, but sometimes that's just not enough.
Now I've lost it. I've lost my internship. I've been told I might possibly fail the course, if I don't find another internship, and have to retake it in the fall. That's right, I'd have to extend my attendance, I wouldn't complete my degree in August, which I've been looking forward to. This is crushing. Disastrous.
Now I'm stuck in this self-pity hole. When we came back, I had to clean up some, because we're going to have to replace some carpet, and our house was kind of a disaster from the hot-water heater deciding to go out the same day we left. I'm still finding things that were affected by the water. And smelly now. Between being so depressed over losing my internship, and cleaning my room, that's been my whole day. Oh, and I ate dinner. I called the office to see what I could do. I don't have many jobs.
I'm already tedious, but I know I'll be much more careful to not make any oversights in the future. They've told me I was lucky to make this mistake as an intern and not as a licensed or practicing employee. I suppose they are right, but I will still owe some form of explanation in the future, so it's still not easy. I'll probably never be able to work for the agency in any capacity. Some agencies might deny me because of the oversight I made. I've been told it's a learning opportunity, and I think it could be, if it doesn't prevent me from ever getting a position in the future. If it doesn't prevent me from getting a degree.
For now, it's just a waiting game. I'll just have to watch and see how things unfold, and try to keep myself from really breaking down any further. This was really a huge blow to me, I loved my internship. I was looking forward to being done, but I didn't want to be finishing it in this capacity. I wanted to be finishing it successfully. I wanted to be walking out with my head held high, rather than low, but we don't always get what we ask for. I don't know where I'll go from here, but I guess I have to move forward, since that's the way that time travels, and I have no other choice. Other than that, I don't know, for now.