Anticipation and Anxiety

When it came time for me to come back from my bloggy break, I was anxious. I had a lot of anticipation. would I have a lot of new ideas? Would I have a lot to post? Would it be easy to jump back in? Would it be difficult?

Anxiety is something I experience often. When I planned my comeback, I had no anticipation that I would have a job interview...or a second interview...or a job. I knew my parents' anniversary was the first, and after that, I planned to start blogging again. Now I'm gripped with fear- what if I can't keep up again? It's been so long, I'm out of the habit, what will happen?

Plus I'm preparing in anticipation for my impending graduation, a little over a month away. Thanksgiving is approaching in the states, which is a bit of a thing to anticipate because there's always a family hooplah. My birthday is soon after, which has become less exciting. Black Friday is also soon after, which had less significance until my recent acquisition of a job.

Then there's December. My grandparents may be coming down from St. Louis for the event. I've been anticipating it...well, since the day I found out I was getting that piece of paper! Then there's the holiday season, which, of course, will now include retail working hours. There's also the fact that I've been anticipating the licensing exam for social work, which I needed the money to pay for (and will now have, with a job), which I will have to study for. That alone can cause a lot of anxiety!

Of course, it was already going to be an anxious season because of the number of events coming up, but now there's a lot of work tied to it with a retail job, and a lot of cleaning to be done! Anticipation is a good thing, but when you start adding more responsibilities and events, I become more anxious and awkward. Here's to hoping that I have enough time to sort through everything, and continue blogging too!

Extraordinarily lacking- blogging without material

It's extraordinarily difficult to write a good blog when you don't have much going on in your life. Eat, sleep, search for jobs, a little bit of not feeling so well here, it's just not bloggable material.

I went to the homecoming game last week....they lost. Didn't really want to blog about it; that, and I was miserable, and couldn't breathe. I went to bed straightaway after getting home.

I've been watching a lot of Big Bang Theory on DVR. Bloggable? No.

I had a guest post. That was blogged.

When life has no substance, it makes it difficult to blog. I know I'm shooting myself in the foot when I say this, but if you want to have something to blog about, you have to go out and do something first. There's nothing to blog about if you're not doing anything.

Think about it like sewing. If you have no material (in this case, no experiences/happenings in your life), you can't sew anything. How can you sew anything if you don't have anything with which to sew? So you have to have the tools and material with which to sew before you can even start to make something great.

At one time I had that. Now I don't do much of anything.

So I'm a little bit of a hypocrite. Would it help if I mentioned that nobody would let me volunteer either? Companies take on risks when they take volunteers, and I guess either they have enough or they don't want to take that risk. Volunteering, finding a job, it's all not happening for me. I did find something I liked, but it's 4 hours away and very impractical right now.

So, you see, if you don't make something to write about, you'll write a circular blog like mine, about how you'll have nothing to write about because you're doing nothing. Blogged.

Why, World?

I wrote last week about velocity, and how it feels like time is flying.

Alas, while it seems like time is flying, it feels like the world is moving and shaking without me. Why?

Ever since I graduated from the university, I've been searching for jobs, working on my resumé, and trying to pull everything together for a successful future, but it feels like I'm not going anywhere, while the rest of the world is doing their thing, making their way, going about their business and leaving me behind. Why?

I feel less a part of the world than I ever have before. Why does it have to be this way?

In the past, during breaks and whatnot, I've held jobs, or done extra classes, or something that brings me into interaction with the outside. Now I'm just inside most of the time, with a rare interaction with the outside. These rare interactions are with the same few people. I'm watching the world go by, and it's quite lonely in my little pod, my little corner. Why?

Some might think, and I've been told "Oh, you're being pampered! It must be so much easier! Things must be great for you!" Why would it be this way?

They're not. It's not a great feeling to look around and see everyone's progress while you still have a lump of clay in front of you, completely unmolded, as though you haven't even begun to try, while all the while, you've been working with it, trying to make something that looks real, something that is functional, something that makes sense, something that you like and that you think will be satisfying. It's heartbreaking and difficult to know that you can't keep up with the world in motion, the world passing you by.

Hello world, I wish I could keep up with you....

World Wide Web of Trust

Sorry I've been a bit absent, I haven't been feeling well lately. I don't think it's a good sign that my hands feel great on my forehead (as in, very cool), but I don't know where our thermometers are; my sinuses are stopped up and I have a headache. Every day. Oh, and not much of an appetite.

Anyway, something has been really bugging my mind for a few days, and I really felt the urge to write about it. You see, I'm part of forums. I participate in the internet. I'm on facebook, and I have a bit.ly account. I get on Cracked or Mental Floss and write comments on occasion and write comments, and I float around the net alot.

The thing is, everything I do is with my knowledge. I put my name (or screen name, at least, perhaps first name last initial) out there, with my own permission.

Is it okay for someone else to take what I've put out there, and without my knowledge or consent, reproduce it? Is it okay for someone to take it and spread it all over, without me even knowing that this information is being used?

Say, for instance, that I wrote about a doctor's visit, and having a blood pressure of 100/65. That would not be all too abnormal. Say some person running a medical website comes in and harvests that information, and uses that information on their website. Does it become their information, then? Is it still my information? Can they claim it as their own, and not even tell me that they used it? I don't feel right about that. That really lowers my level of trust for people, and in a way, makes me want to pull every bit of information I have from public access (except for, of course, the people who know how to hack into deleted information).

In an era where information is more broadcast and open to the public, I think it's a good suggestion to be more careful and cautious about what you say. In fact, the blog I was writing? The one about some of the reasons why I champion mental health so much? It's not going up. I've written about the darkness, enough that people get an idea. No need to put any more out there. I don't want some creep going about my website and harvesting my information, using it as my own.

This has come to my attention recently because a website I am a member of has been posting blogs (which I don't write on that site, since I have this site to run to) without the owners' permission or knowledge, on twitter. The owners were under the impression that what they were saying was private and protected, when, in fact, it was being shared with the world. Comfort zone? Gone. It really angers me that people can get away with such behavior by including in their website that anything that you say "becomes property of the website and may be used at their discretion". Nothing belongs to anyone anymore....it's all public.

Now I feel like I may be ready to share my story with the world, but if I do, it might not be my story anymore....and therefore I hold back.

People's rights need to be protected. They need a place where they can go and write stuff and be protected by copyright. This is my stuff. I'm writing it. Not B, or Corky, or John Doe, or Gemma, or Lil, or anyone else. MINE. When I write or say something, it is mine. No longer do I submit to these websites. No longer do I let them dominate.

Maybe I should read those user agreements at the beginning of the websites more often....

Velocity

It seems that, as time has passed, things have picked up in velocity.

I can remember in grade school years, things seemed to go by so slowly- you had one teacher, the whole day, who taught you everything you needed to know about math, science, history, English, and any other subject that was deemed necessary by the state.

In middle school, things sped up a bit- you were faced with more teachers, but much of the same topics as you had before, just at an advanced level. Velocity increased a bit, but not much, as you were divided and spent much of your time with the same people- A team or B team- just switching classes round from teacher to teacher.

In high school, velocity increased a bit more, as you were faced with a vast number of teachers, many of whom had none of the same students in any of their classes, and a variety of faces in each class. In my second high school it was smaller, but still the same variety, unless you were in the AP group. Nevertheless, things were more fast-paced than they had been before.

Then came college/university. You would choose different classes every semester, and you had no set schedule of when you had to take classes or who to take them with. Professors changed every semester, and their grading techniques changed too. There may have been a guideline, but generally, no. Some classes put an even higher velocity- 5 weeks for an entire course! Every semester, you would have a different semester, and none were the same to another. You never had English lit twice, you never had Political Science I twice, etc. Your classes were varied all the way across the board, and each semester sped by like lightning, even though the whole process seemed like it dragged on forever.

Now that I'm graduated, it seems like things are going by even faster than before! It seems like just yesterday, the revolving doors were returning students back to school, but it was several weeks ago. What?

Velocity. It increases. Is it going to keep doing this forever?

Under Pressure

I feel the pressure. I may not look or act like it, but I'm under a lot of pressure right now, and I feel it.

The headaches, I believe, are something nose/sinus related. Ugh. I hope they go soon.

Back to the pressure. Undue, probably- it's my own doing. You see, the state timeline says in about four to six weeks after receiving your application, they contact you about sitting for the licensing exam. According to my bank account, they withdrew the money about four weeks ago, which means that's when they received my application. I'm in that window. Under those circumstances, that means they should be contacting me any day now about sitting for my licensing exam.

Under those circumstances, I'm placing myself under a lot of pressure, because that means the next step is the actual exam. The one where I answer the questions and whatnot. Under those circumstances, if they don't call me back, I might need to worry, because that means they might be not approving me for the license. Under those circumstances...um.

Undetermined outcome. Undesired outcome? Unsure of what might happen. Under-informed on what actually happens at this stage of licensure. Unusual to be this tense about what might happen? I'm nervous, very nervous. It doesn't help that my sleeping patterns are out of whack and that my head is killing me because of a probably nose/sinus related thingamabob that has my head feeling like an inflated balloon.

Uninformed that thingamabob is actually a word, according to Chrome, but licensure, which actually is a word, is underlined according to spell check. I'm appalled that Chrome is so misinformed about the English language. Google, where do you get your information? I would Google it, but that would be a redundant task and likely wouldn't give me any answers as to why thingamabob is considered a word, when it is slang, while licensure is not a word. *smh* Google, *smh*.

Keeping Time, Time, Time

The title is a bridge from a song I had to learn for a competition in high school- don't worry if you don't know it. It's just one that's stuck with me, from the rhythmic features of it, and it seems appropriate. I just happened to be thinking about time tonight, and how it's been affecting me lately. It seems so strange that August is almost over, and I'm still sitting in the house. It seems so strange that so much time can pass by so quickly, and I don't even notice it.

It seems so strange that it can feel like I started at the university just yesterday, and I've earned my degree.

It seems so strange that I can be singing a song from high school- even stranger, a song from when I was in high school in KILLEEN- that was in 2001, friends, the year of the attacks on September 11- and remember the rhythm, words, and notes, verbatim. I was cleaning out a filing cabinet today, and found the narrative to a parody assignment we did at the end of that year in choir- just before we moved to the Fort Worth area- and I laughed. I could not believe I still had it, and I remembered, and texted Jasri, a friend who was in that group with whom the parody was written- she couldn't believe it either.

Time, it passes us so quickly. Within the blink of an eye, we go from giggly teenagers, to college students, to adults with bills and jobs, and we lose all of that (I must interject- I do not have bills or a job yet, but I know it's coming. Only a matter of time).

I pulled out my clock and plugged it back in today. I've not been keeping track of time- once we removed all the furniture from my room, I didn't have a clock plugged in, and simply neglected to plug my clock back in. I just put it back in place tonight and plugged it back in. I have one of those über cool clocks that resets itself when the power goes out...well, the power didn't go out, but it was unplugged for almost a week. The thing was, amazingly, still able to set itself correctly! Amazing! (no, this is not a plug for Emerson, but damn, amazing!)

I got this clock back before we moved to DFW, not sure of the exact date. Sadly, there is no copyright date on it, or the book which came with it (I found that today too!). The company, though, was still Emerson Research, as can be seen on the clock face, when I bought the clock. I liked it because it had blue numbers. That was what I wanted. Setting itself wasn't my concern at the time...but it's great that the company had a product back then that still works that great today! It keeps time....unlike me.

Sadly, I do not keep time well. I stay up half the night, and sleep in. Or, conversely, I get tired and go to sleep early, and wake up super early and try to find jobs, to no avail. My circadian rhythm....has no rhythm. Please, no metronomes. I hated them in high school marching band (colorguard....woot!!)...speaking of...flag!!

I still don't look much older....

The flag is still in my room. Colorguard is all about timing. Colorguard and choir were two things I could actually do the timing thing very well with. It's timing over time that I'm not very good at- if that makes any sense at all! I even went to state with choir, and got a medal...which is in a box that I haven't emptied yet...and our colorguard also won the North Texas Colorguard Association Championships the one year (on the same board in the same box and also hasn't been unearthed). One day, I will unearth my medal board- I have tons of them.

Time, time, time. I still have that song in my head. That word brings up so many topics, so many. Timed writing, timed music, timed spinning (colorguard), time of day, how much time I have in my life (a colorguard show, Ars Nova 2006), what I'm doing with my time in my life (not much really, sadly), time of day (my time is all mixed up)...and that song, it keeps playing in my head....oh, and thyme, the spice, too.

Keeping time, time, time in a sort of Runic rhyme, keeping time, keeping time, keeping time, keeping time, to the tin-tinabulation that so musically wells with the bells.....(where they came up with the lyrics, I have no idea, but oooook!)

Oh, and senior year--- "Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme, are you going to Scarborough Faire?" < I think they're gone for a bit. Maybe next year or something.

Me, actually at Scarborough Faire. No joke! (Summer 2010)

So. Much. STUFF.

I'm still packing my room to move everything out to the garage so I can move it back to where it was later this week (after how long now??). Major suckage. And it doesn't look like I've done a darn thing.

Oh sure, I've done a lot of things, and the boxes and bags tell the story (I got sick of putting stuff in boxes...and ran out of boxes). I have a lot of stuff. When you live in a place for 9 years, you acquire a lot of stuff. It just builds up and builds up, and you really don't realize how much stuff you actually have. That is, until you try to put it in boxes.

Now I realize how much stuff I have. When I move it back in here, I know I'll be getting rid of some of the stuff but right now I don't have time to sort through the stuff. I hardly have time to sit and write this, but I needed a break from my stuff to do some stuff away from my stuff....y'know?

It's actually a really good thing I'm not moving, because transporting then sizing down on the stuff would be difficult. Then again, there comes a time in every person's life when they should be on their own...not to say that someone can't live with mommy and daddy forever, but it's probably not a good idea. I mean sure, the rates are great, but...it just doesn't seem healthy. Maybe for a while, and maybe it's better for some people to stay longer, but it needs to happen eventually, and not just because a person gets married. Moving on...

What does one do when they've acquired so much stuff and it's difficult to let go of it (aside from starring on the show Hoarders- it's not that bad yet)? The books, the movies, the papers, the pens, the knick-knacks, jewelry boxes, craft string, puzzle books, CDs, craft paint, nail polish, "other makeup," shoes (which I have quite the abundance of- but my feet haven't grown since I was 11, so they all fit), clothes, pillows, folders, notes, paycheck stubs (aren't you supposed to keep those?), on and on, it adds up!

Now I've got a room full of stuff and I just look at it like....WTF? You want me to move all this out? At first I thought I could do it. Now that I've worked on it for a while and seemingly gotten nowhere, it's like...you're kidding, right? I just want to fall down sobbing and surrender to the stuff because there's just. so. much. STUFF.

Huzzah!