Anticipation and Anxiety

When it came time for me to come back from my bloggy break, I was anxious. I had a lot of anticipation. would I have a lot of new ideas? Would I have a lot to post? Would it be easy to jump back in? Would it be difficult?

Anxiety is something I experience often. When I planned my comeback, I had no anticipation that I would have a job interview...or a second interview...or a job. I knew my parents' anniversary was the first, and after that, I planned to start blogging again. Now I'm gripped with fear- what if I can't keep up again? It's been so long, I'm out of the habit, what will happen?

Plus I'm preparing in anticipation for my impending graduation, a little over a month away. Thanksgiving is approaching in the states, which is a bit of a thing to anticipate because there's always a family hooplah. My birthday is soon after, which has become less exciting. Black Friday is also soon after, which had less significance until my recent acquisition of a job.

Then there's December. My grandparents may be coming down from St. Louis for the event. I've been anticipating it...well, since the day I found out I was getting that piece of paper! Then there's the holiday season, which, of course, will now include retail working hours. There's also the fact that I've been anticipating the licensing exam for social work, which I needed the money to pay for (and will now have, with a job), which I will have to study for. That alone can cause a lot of anxiety!

Of course, it was already going to be an anxious season because of the number of events coming up, but now there's a lot of work tied to it with a retail job, and a lot of cleaning to be done! Anticipation is a good thing, but when you start adding more responsibilities and events, I become more anxious and awkward. Here's to hoping that I have enough time to sort through everything, and continue blogging too!

Things I know- A Month Away

It hasn't been that long, has it? Oh yes, it has. Here's what I know:

• Time...goes by....so slowwwwly....(imagine me singing "Unchained Melody")
• I absolutely hate applying for jobs, especially those character parts of the application that are 50 pages long with 5 questions per page (online) and often ask redundant questions
• A little time away can do a lot of good for your thoughts, and can help spark ideas
• October and pollen are evil, and every year, they attack me and my sinuses. Argh! This is part of the reason I've not been around. Allergies >> Sinus pressure >> headaches >> not wanting to type a lot/think a lot/do a lot.
• Being in the sort of state above makes me look lazy
• My résumé sucks, and probably will for quite a while
• Taking the exam to be a social worker is extremely expensive
• The Rangers better play a better game tomorrow night, or I will be extremely unhappy.

I've jumped on the bandwagon a little bit early with these posts because they're simpler than some of the others, and have a sort of outline which I can follow. I've got a headache right now which is enough to tell me that I am going to stop now, finish facebooking and twitter, perhaps play a few games on my phone, and go to bed. I might make a "Grateful For" post tomorrow, because I already know what I want that one to be about. For now, deuces.

Huzzah!

World Wide Web of Trust

Sorry I've been a bit absent, I haven't been feeling well lately. I don't think it's a good sign that my hands feel great on my forehead (as in, very cool), but I don't know where our thermometers are; my sinuses are stopped up and I have a headache. Every day. Oh, and not much of an appetite.

Anyway, something has been really bugging my mind for a few days, and I really felt the urge to write about it. You see, I'm part of forums. I participate in the internet. I'm on facebook, and I have a bit.ly account. I get on Cracked or Mental Floss and write comments on occasion and write comments, and I float around the net alot.

The thing is, everything I do is with my knowledge. I put my name (or screen name, at least, perhaps first name last initial) out there, with my own permission.

Is it okay for someone else to take what I've put out there, and without my knowledge or consent, reproduce it? Is it okay for someone to take it and spread it all over, without me even knowing that this information is being used?

Say, for instance, that I wrote about a doctor's visit, and having a blood pressure of 100/65. That would not be all too abnormal. Say some person running a medical website comes in and harvests that information, and uses that information on their website. Does it become their information, then? Is it still my information? Can they claim it as their own, and not even tell me that they used it? I don't feel right about that. That really lowers my level of trust for people, and in a way, makes me want to pull every bit of information I have from public access (except for, of course, the people who know how to hack into deleted information).

In an era where information is more broadcast and open to the public, I think it's a good suggestion to be more careful and cautious about what you say. In fact, the blog I was writing? The one about some of the reasons why I champion mental health so much? It's not going up. I've written about the darkness, enough that people get an idea. No need to put any more out there. I don't want some creep going about my website and harvesting my information, using it as my own.

This has come to my attention recently because a website I am a member of has been posting blogs (which I don't write on that site, since I have this site to run to) without the owners' permission or knowledge, on twitter. The owners were under the impression that what they were saying was private and protected, when, in fact, it was being shared with the world. Comfort zone? Gone. It really angers me that people can get away with such behavior by including in their website that anything that you say "becomes property of the website and may be used at their discretion". Nothing belongs to anyone anymore....it's all public.

Now I feel like I may be ready to share my story with the world, but if I do, it might not be my story anymore....and therefore I hold back.

People's rights need to be protected. They need a place where they can go and write stuff and be protected by copyright. This is my stuff. I'm writing it. Not B, or Corky, or John Doe, or Gemma, or Lil, or anyone else. MINE. When I write or say something, it is mine. No longer do I submit to these websites. No longer do I let them dominate.

Maybe I should read those user agreements at the beginning of the websites more often....

Religion- A Controversial Topic

Day 4: Your view on religion

Oh Lordy (pun intended) let's open up a can of worms!

Alright. My view...

A) For myself- It's called "Agnostic Theism". I do believe there is a higher power out there. However, I do not give the higher power a name (or gender- I would not say He, for example), or a number- I don't know if there is one or multiple. I do, however, believe that there is some sort of higher power in control.

The Agnostic part is that I don't attribute any sort of religious deity to the higher power- it is not "God" or "Allah" or whatever. I don't know what powers it has or does not have. The general meaning of agnostic is "not knowing"- and that's the principle here- we really don't know what's up here. People can Bible thump all day, but the Bible was written by people. Yes, people who say that God was speaking to them (do we know whether this was true?), but people, nevertheless. For me, I will never truly "know" what to believe, and I will not believe in a deity without knowing. I don't know what's up there, and I'm not going to tell anyone else that I know what's up there either. I'm not going to praise anything up there if I don't know what's up there. It's that simple. I don't know what's up there. I won't know what's up there, and neither will anyone else- Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Atheist- until after we've left and cannot come back to tell everyone else.

The theism part is that I do believe there is something up there. I don't know what it is (previous paragraph), and it's hard to praise something if you don't know what it is...but there is something. I do believe in the goodness of people, and that we should do what good we can while we are here on Earth, but I do not attribute that to religion. I do not attribute that to God or any other deity. I attribute that to my beliefs as a human being. Even if I were atheist, I would still be doing good things, because it is in my nature. However, I believe in theism, I believe in higher power, and I do believe that there is something higher in this universe. The extent of the powers of this deity or number of deities, and the characteristics, features, beliefs, wishes, etc., are not mine to theorize about. I will not try to guess what they want- rather, I will live my life, and if it is what they are pleased with, so be it, and if not, so be it. I do believe I am doing the best I can to be a good person. That's the goal I'm aiming for. I'm not aiming to push anyone else to believe this- I'm just aiming to get through life.

I believe there is some sort of place we go after we live, but I don't know what it's like. I don't know if there is a heaven or hell, but I'm pretty certain they exist. They may not be as described in certain books that people look to for everything, but they probably exist. I do believe there have been monumental times in history that have changed the way that man has lived, but I don't know when or how they happened- it could have been any of the myths we hear, stories from the Bible or other books of religion, or it could be something completely different.

As for creationism, a day, month, year, and so forth could be defined completely differently in the terms of whatever deity created the Earth and its inhabitants. It could have fluctuated between longer and shorter time periods, or time could have been massively longer or shorter than it is now. These people living massively long lives in the bible, hundreds of years, could have been living in times when a year was defined as much shorter- after all, look how long it took to get a regular calendar! As for the Big Bang theory, it could have been a part of creation- does this make me a Scientific Agnostic Theist?? The dinosaurs and evolution could have all been a part of a long massive day that whatever deity was testing to figure out what animals were best suited for survival on the planet he was creating...and giving us other planets to explore for fun (who knows what's going through a deity's head?) before creating the regular length we consider a night and day.

Anyone shoot down my theories- go ahead, they're just theories- I'll come up with something else. That's the way I am. I'll find a way to make a new theory. There are so many things that could be true, would be true, might be true. Earth is an endless mass of possibilities. Deities add to that mass, and the fact that nobody can see or know about them outside the realm of human life adds to the great debate. There will never be agreement on the subject- as long as humans have free will, there will be difference in opinion and interpretation.

Honestly, not truly knowing myself, I don't want to say anyone else is wrong, because any of these people could be spouting off the truth, or they could, every single one, be wrong. I don't know, therefore, I can't say. Who am I to follow, when I don't truly know myself? I just know there is something out there, and that's all I need to know. That's all I want to know, that's all I have to know. As long as I keep living life in a positive way, helping people and trying to make things better, I think that's all that matters, really.

B) Other people- I'm not going to tell someone else what to believe. I might tell someone else what I believe, but as far as what they believe, I'm not going to tell them they're wrong, or that they're going to hell. I can't say they're right or wrong. I don't know what they believe, I don't know anything about their deity, I don't know what happens after death, and I can't make any judgments. I won't preach about it. If someone asks me about it, I'll tell them- this is what I believe, this is why, and if you want to believe it, that's ok, if not, that's alright too.

As far as their children go, I believe that people should introduce their children to many religions- Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Catholic, even Agnosticism and possibly Atheism- and see which one they think they like the best. As for choosing a religion, this might be left for older children. One might raise them exploring different religions, letting them see more than just a book, but actually going to services and be involved. This will allow them to see what they're going into- and make an informed decision from there. This way they have the information and the experience they need to make that informed decision, and they don't feel pressured to do so. They should never feel pressured in the decision to follow a certain belief.

They should, though, be given the chance to experience different beliefs, rather than just growing up without the resources. If they don't know what's out there, they can't make an informed decision. The same is true if they only attend Christian churches, and are told they can choose. How can they know about other religions? The education they can receive from attending other churches, or at least meeting people from other religions, can be valuable to them for the rest of their lives, and will also help with acceptance of others (although some parents may go WHOA, I don't want my kid accepting that kid). It is actually a good thing for a child, even if the parent is hesitant. It's exploration, learning, education. It allows for informed decisions and lets the child know that it's ok to believe many different things. It teaches the child that there are many different views out there, and choosing one will be difficult.
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Allowing a child to dabble in religion teaches love, acceptance, culture, perception, and the value of exploration.


Agnostic theism (or...Scientific Agnostic Theism) takes into account that anyone could be right- and it acknowledges that while I believe there is a higher power, I don't know much about it, so I can't say much about it. The scientific part means I can't debunk science, but I can fit science in, because I don't know about the deity's mind, and perhaps they had different perceptions of time and space, and who knows, maybe they did some experimenting of their own. We don't know, and will never know for sure, although anyone can try to tell me what to believe. I'm telling you, I do believe there's something up there! I just don't give it characteristics like you do! I allow for flexibility, and that makes the topic of religion much more comfortable for me.

THOSE- those are my beliefs on religion. Let the wars begin.

Ten Years Time

Today's post will be my 199th post. The next will be number 200, and I've already got something in mind for that, but I've got something else in mind for today.

Yesterday's post was about where I picture myself in 10 years, and I've written other posts about where I picture myself in the future- prompted posts often ask about where we picture ourselves in the future.

But one thing they don't do is look at the past. Ten years ago Sunday is a significant date in the lives of Americans- we, as a country, as a whole, were attacked. Many of us that were old enough to remember do- we were in a classroom, at work, at the gym- it's something that we've related as a story, and there are even songs that ask "Do You Remember?"

I was in freshman choir class, with the most difficult and strict choir director (and probably the best choir) that I ever had. This was the one day we sat down our sheet music and turned on the television. I was 13, almost 14. I hadn't moved to Ft. Worth yet- I lived by the military base Ft. Hood- one of the biggest in the country, and many of my classmates were children of military parents. Yes....I remember.

Ten years ago, on this date, I never would have predicted that America would be attacked. On this writing prompt, had I written it in English class, I probably would have written something like "I want to graduate high school (check) and college (barely check), get a job (not yet), move out of my house (kinda check- different house, but still live with parents)"...basic things.

Things come up in life that we don't expect, and it's hard to prepare for stuff like this. Disasters strike every day- earthquakes, fires (there was one eerily close to my small town recently), floods, tornadoes, attacks, you never know what will happen, or when it will happen. America never knew that on September 11, 2001, they would be the target of an attack. They never knew that ten years later, there would be a memorial of an attack that they never planned on having. If you had asked any American, it wouldn't have been in their itinerary. I certainly wouldn't have had it planned.

We don't plan for disaster- it just happens. It doesn't have to happen, but it does. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it does happen to some, and that's when others reach out. When September 11th happened, there was a burst of patriotism- songs were written, schools had assemblies, security was tightened, and Americans understood (for the most part). Flags came out and were more prominent. If you ask an American about September 11, you can be almost certain that they'll know what you're talking about- even the young ones that weren't around when it happened. It's in the history books, it's in stories, it's in lifelines, and people remember. People talk about it. People read about it.

Now, it's ten years later. Can you believe it's been ten years?

Keeping Time, Time, Time

The title is a bridge from a song I had to learn for a competition in high school- don't worry if you don't know it. It's just one that's stuck with me, from the rhythmic features of it, and it seems appropriate. I just happened to be thinking about time tonight, and how it's been affecting me lately. It seems so strange that August is almost over, and I'm still sitting in the house. It seems so strange that so much time can pass by so quickly, and I don't even notice it.

It seems so strange that it can feel like I started at the university just yesterday, and I've earned my degree.

It seems so strange that I can be singing a song from high school- even stranger, a song from when I was in high school in KILLEEN- that was in 2001, friends, the year of the attacks on September 11- and remember the rhythm, words, and notes, verbatim. I was cleaning out a filing cabinet today, and found the narrative to a parody assignment we did at the end of that year in choir- just before we moved to the Fort Worth area- and I laughed. I could not believe I still had it, and I remembered, and texted Jasri, a friend who was in that group with whom the parody was written- she couldn't believe it either.

Time, it passes us so quickly. Within the blink of an eye, we go from giggly teenagers, to college students, to adults with bills and jobs, and we lose all of that (I must interject- I do not have bills or a job yet, but I know it's coming. Only a matter of time).

I pulled out my clock and plugged it back in today. I've not been keeping track of time- once we removed all the furniture from my room, I didn't have a clock plugged in, and simply neglected to plug my clock back in. I just put it back in place tonight and plugged it back in. I have one of those über cool clocks that resets itself when the power goes out...well, the power didn't go out, but it was unplugged for almost a week. The thing was, amazingly, still able to set itself correctly! Amazing! (no, this is not a plug for Emerson, but damn, amazing!)

I got this clock back before we moved to DFW, not sure of the exact date. Sadly, there is no copyright date on it, or the book which came with it (I found that today too!). The company, though, was still Emerson Research, as can be seen on the clock face, when I bought the clock. I liked it because it had blue numbers. That was what I wanted. Setting itself wasn't my concern at the time...but it's great that the company had a product back then that still works that great today! It keeps time....unlike me.

Sadly, I do not keep time well. I stay up half the night, and sleep in. Or, conversely, I get tired and go to sleep early, and wake up super early and try to find jobs, to no avail. My circadian rhythm....has no rhythm. Please, no metronomes. I hated them in high school marching band (colorguard....woot!!)...speaking of...flag!!

I still don't look much older....

The flag is still in my room. Colorguard is all about timing. Colorguard and choir were two things I could actually do the timing thing very well with. It's timing over time that I'm not very good at- if that makes any sense at all! I even went to state with choir, and got a medal...which is in a box that I haven't emptied yet...and our colorguard also won the North Texas Colorguard Association Championships the one year (on the same board in the same box and also hasn't been unearthed). One day, I will unearth my medal board- I have tons of them.

Time, time, time. I still have that song in my head. That word brings up so many topics, so many. Timed writing, timed music, timed spinning (colorguard), time of day, how much time I have in my life (a colorguard show, Ars Nova 2006), what I'm doing with my time in my life (not much really, sadly), time of day (my time is all mixed up)...and that song, it keeps playing in my head....oh, and thyme, the spice, too.

Keeping time, time, time in a sort of Runic rhyme, keeping time, keeping time, keeping time, keeping time, to the tin-tinabulation that so musically wells with the bells.....(where they came up with the lyrics, I have no idea, but oooook!)

Oh, and senior year--- "Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme, are you going to Scarborough Faire?" < I think they're gone for a bit. Maybe next year or something.

Me, actually at Scarborough Faire. No joke! (Summer 2010)

On the Market

So, now that my university life is essentially complete, but grades are not officially out, my degree is not official, and I don't have a license yet, what am I to do? Well, since the answer is not to lie around the house....I have no clue.

I know that I need to study for my licensing exam, that is a must. In addition, I'd like to do some volunteering that is actually related to my field, but, that doesn't really do anything as far as $$$ is concerned, but it does cost me $$$ as far as travel and whatnot, and isn't required, so it's kind of...not considered the best idea right now.

So what do I do? Well, I've been told to get a job. An unrelated job. Just to "get myself on my feet." I don't know about this idea. Honestly, fresh out of college, what place is going to want to hire me for something completely unrelated to my degree? I'm not sure. Plus, when it comes to the "Why do you want to work here?" part of the interview...if I get that far...how do I respond? I don't know if they're oversimplifying my situation...or if I'm overcomplicating it.

So what does one do when they're in this space between graduation and a license? Actually, what does one do when they're not in school and don't have a job? I've not really been in this situation before, so it's a little confusing for me. Unexplored territory. I don't know if I should apply for entry-level jobs to fill the gap, or if I should apply for other jobs that may or may not ask for licensure, or if I should volunteer, or what I should do. I feel pressured to do something now, but I don't know what.

And the working world isn't what it used to be. You don't go out and fill out applications. You don't walk into a place and ask if they're hiring. You go to their website and fill out the employment application online. If you walk into a place and ask if they're hiring, they'll just redirect you to the website. Even if you ask to speak to HR, they'll redirect you to the website. Very, very few places actually have paper applications anymore, and even fewer actually have people available on site that will talk to you. Even if you ask for them by name, typically they're "in a meeting" or "off site" or "busy" and "will call you later" if you ask to speak to them and they allow you to leave a number. It's so hard to get anything face to face... Even since I first started working my first job, things have changed a lot, and that wasn't really that long ago.

I just....feel lost. I'm in a place of uncertainty, I haven't completely gotten my degree yet until grades have been finalized and whatnot and debts have been fulfilled, I don't have my license, no leads on any social work jobs, no networking, and since so many things are becoming less face-to-face, it's really difficult to get out there and get started. They certainly don't make this easy...