Locked Out

It was my junior year of college, and I was in the midst of taking several Social Work classes, one of them being an afternoon class. If you prod me as to which one, I will never remember...but it was a required one, I do remember that much...actually, all of them are required, so that's a moot point.

I attended my noon class as normal, and then I sat the break waiting for my 7pm Spanish class to begin. The class was a 2 hour class, and was held twice a week, as was my noon class, so I had a five hour break- enough to drop in and buy a snack for dinner and perhaps study some vocab on the way to the building which was quite a distance away. It had horrible parking, so I usually walked, then walked back to my car after class, seeing as the walking distance had multiple emergency boxes and was well-lit.

Because I didn't drive my car between my noon and 7pm classes, it didn't dawn upon me to reach in my purse and check for my keys before I left the building. Big mistake.

When I was leaving my 7pm class- at nearly 9pm, in the winter, so it was dark out- I reached in my purse for my keys. Not there. Ohhh shit. Maybe I clipped them to my bag? I have a carabiner clip, so this is entirely possible. I check my bag, but my keys are not there. I dump out the entire contents of my purse on my car. Surely, there must be a set of keys in there somewhere. I dig through it all. Nothing.

I shove everything back in my purse, throw my purse over my shoulder, and unarm my backpack. I search through the small front pocket. No such luck. A few pens and a few stray items like a bottle of lotion, some ibuprofen, a highlighter, some notecards. Great. I can't find my keys. I'm locked out of my car. It's dark out, I'm in a parking lot, at the university, people are leaving, I'm 35 miles from home, and I'm locked out of my car.

I empty the large compartment of my backpack. I find books and a notebook. A stray package of crackers. More notecards. A very crumpled piece of paper. No keys. Great. I decide to backtrack, back to the building where I was last- maybe I dropped them there. (Not thinking to maybe check the Social Work building, where I was parked, first)

I call my mom and tell her I'm locked out of my car in Arlington, and that I am backtracking to see if I can find them. She says she's on her way, very unhappily I might add, since she's driving 70 miles to drop off a set of keys, and I take off for Preston Hall basement, the location of my Spanish class.

Freezing, I make my way into the building, and nobody is there but the cleaning crew. They let me in after trying to communicate for about 5 minutes about what it is I'm trying to find, but nothing is there. I bid farewell, and back to the Social Work Complex I go. My mom hasn't arrived yet, so I trek to my 10am class- no luck there (surprisingly, the door was unlocked). I ran upstairs to my noon class- ah, it was Practice III- but the doors are locked, so I find a cleaning crew lady, and she lets me in, but no luck.

Finally my mom arrives, with my keys, and I drive home, racking my brains trying to figure out where the heck I left my keys. It had to be Social Work, because I remembered having them in the morning, but I didn't remember seeing them in Spanish class. I was very frustrated with this, so I drove the 35 miles the next day (why didn't I call?) to ask if they had any keys turned into the office the day before (at both buildings).

Voilá. My keys had been in the Social Work building, in the office, the whole time.

I was locked out of my car and my keys were right there, within feet of where I was. I felt really smart idiotic that day. Now I almost compulsively check for my keys. We live and we learn!

Prompt Me: University of Choice

College/university: It's a major part of every student's life, whether they go or not, and if they go, the factors involved in their choice of colleges and universities are huge. HUGE.

When I was in high school, I was a starry-eyed believer in the dream college, which wasn't much, but was much different from where I actually ended up going. My dream college, my sights not set on Duke, Harvard, or Yale, was Baylor University in Waco, Texas, about an hour from where we actually live. I sent off my (incomplete, as I was still a high school student) transcripts, took my SATs, and did all the things a graduating high school student is expected to do.

Knowing that I was going for more than a "Community College," I involved myself in a number of extracurricular activities- enough that I had to "narrow the list" to which ones I wanted included in the yearbook & in the Who's Who Among American High School Students Edition the year I graduated. Colorguard, UIL, and Choir were my favorites, but there was also National Honor Society, Student Council, a brief stint on the Debate Team, all four years in the Who's Who records, class Salutatorian, and if you want to be specific, within UIL, I competed on the Spelling and Social Studies Team individually every meet, as well as a number of times on the Number Sense team, Math Team, Creative Writing team, once on the headline writing team, several times with each of the science teams in biology and chemistry (my physics skills were weak)...in other words, I was the top notch high school student.

I primed my transcript (106 grade point average, not too shabby!), and added the extracurriculars, certain that I'd be ready for the college of my dreams.

Then reality hit, and I got the paper that showed the tuition bill for a semester at Baylor University, as well as my awarded scholarship. I was only 1/4 paid for, and I was not able to commute an hour each way every day (even though in the end, that's what I essentially ended up doing).

My parents pushed for me to find something closer and less expensive, and so I (very apprehensively and not quite willingly) did. As the acceptance letter and scholarship to Baylor sat beckoning on my dresser, I applied to the University of Texas at Arlington, sent my transcript, scores, and whatever other desired materials.

March 11, 2005, due to the "10% rule" (and maybe the whole doing well in high school thing), I was accepted as a freshman into the University of Texas at Arlington. Quickie about the 10% rule- if  you are in the top 10% of your graduating class at a public high school in Texas, you are automatically granted admission to the public college or university of your choice granted there is room in their freshman class (cases like UT Austin call for further inspection, as their freshman class often is far too large to accommodate all the 10% graduates)

Needless to say, although the tuition was much more affordable, and I still had a scholarship, this was not my school of choice, and I was not happy. In addition, I wasn't able to participate in any activities- they all cost money. So here I was a college freshman, going to class for a few hours a day, and going straight to work. Not quite a way to adapt to college.

Four (or six) years later...I'm kind of glad I "chose" UTA. They have a really good school of social work...who knows what path I would have taken elsewhere? I did gradually accommodate myself to campus, although I never really found myself "fitting" on campus. It eventually became a place where I felt comfortable, and I'm kind of sad that I'm not there this semester, my first semester after graduation.

No, UTA wasn't my first choice, and it wouldn't have even been a choice had my parents not wanted me to go to a college "close to home" that was "affordable"...but nevertheless, I ended up going there, and you know what? I'm happy I did. I'd never take it back. The professors, the few people I did connect with, even though we lost contact, the experiences I had, they all had an impact on me. It wasn't my first choice, but it was a very good choice, indeed.

This weeks topic:  College

via

Today's Prompt:  I chose not to go to college....
or I chose the college I did.....

Wordless Wednesday- Artsy

This week, for Not-so-wordy Wednesday, I decided to get a little artsy, and show some of the artwork that I did when I was younger (middle/high school); by no means is this an exhaustive list, just the ones I felt confident enough to share (tagged- self-esteem). I just wish I could still be this artistic!! I also added a picture of me in the bluebonnets...just because Texas didn't get many this year, they're my favorite flower, and I miss them.

I did about a billion of these, I only took a picture of this one.

I did this in my spare time in art class because I finished the below project early

This one almost won an art contest in high school...no joke!

For some reason, I get a lot of comments on this one....

I wished I had taken this one to contest instead...I actually like it better...

This is a completely random one I did in my spare time when we first moved here

This one was a requirement for class

This one I did because I wanted a black & white version of the one I did in class.

I absolutely love bluebonnets. It's a shame we only get them ~1 month out of the year. Circa April 2010

A Little Bit of Stubborn

Today, I had the opportunity to be one of the carriers of things to my sister at the high school for her marching band practice (yay for marching band!). Lucky little chick. I discovered when I got there I was not the only one- my dad was sitting directly behind me in the car park- with her dinner. I had her water. Spoiled rotten chick!! I love her the same. Where was my older sister? Oh yeah, I didn't have one...oh well, I can drive myself places now, so *check* I'm good.

Tonight is the first home football game for the Fighting Owls. You can bet I'll be there- to chat with old teachers and friends that may haphazardly show up, seeing as it's six years after graduation- I know of one teacher that will be there, proudly, but most of the people who went there have moved on to better endeavors. He still teaches there, and has a daughter there *and a lot of school pride, and shows up at every game, regardless of whether his daughter or any other relative is in the show*

It'll be nice the next few days, because we'll finally see a break in the 100+ degree temperatures...can I get a woot woot? Monday's high is forecast at 89...cold front!!! Break out the winter coats everyone!!! (Just kidding on that front...pun intended)

On that note...since when does the new month define a change in season? I was always taught that the autumnal equinox meant autumn, so the whole "September means it's fall" thing is news to me. Especially since it's still over 100 degrees for a portion of September, and over 90 degrees for another good portion. Then the winter solstice is supposed to be the beginning of winter, correct?

I know that people define "winter" by the beginning of the holiday season, which falls very close to the end of November because it tends to fall just before my birthday, sometimes on my birthday *cringe BlackFriday cringe* and then comes December, often snow. Perhaps I'm a bit old-fashioned and dead set in my ways, but this is how I define seasons- Spring Equinox, Summer Solstice, Autumnal Solstice, Winter Equinox. Not just months picked and chosen by their relative hot/coldness.

This is the way I will stick to, the way I was taught, although trends may state otherwise. People may tell me happy spring and I'll say "tell me that when it's really spring" because I'm not that trend follower. I may follow other trends, but not this one. As such, school returns in summer, but that's ok. School has always returned in the summer, in my mind- you know, with band camp and such- but even when there wasn't band camp. Winter break always starts in the autumn. I hate the way people define this stuff, society is so single and simple minded, making things easier for those who can't think about complex things- what's so complex about the winter solstice being on December 21?

Thank you, facebook, for inspiring a little bit of bitterness in me, but that's ok, because I'll get over it. I know that I have my ways, and I'll always have my ways, and that people will always define things a little bit differently than I do. They always have. I'm a little bit stubborn. I have people that can and will vouch for that. Stubbornness can be a good quality, when applied appropriately....or neutral, not a bother. In this case, I don't think it really matters when I define the beginning of a season, as long as I'm not a hard ass about it, which I'm not. I don't push and shove people into my will. I just nonchalantly tell people what I believe and leave it at that.

Is there anything you're stubborn about? Is there anything you believe others define differently than you do? And what kind of plans do you have for the upcoming season (whether it's spring or autumn)?

Keeping Time, Time, Time

The title is a bridge from a song I had to learn for a competition in high school- don't worry if you don't know it. It's just one that's stuck with me, from the rhythmic features of it, and it seems appropriate. I just happened to be thinking about time tonight, and how it's been affecting me lately. It seems so strange that August is almost over, and I'm still sitting in the house. It seems so strange that so much time can pass by so quickly, and I don't even notice it.

It seems so strange that it can feel like I started at the university just yesterday, and I've earned my degree.

It seems so strange that I can be singing a song from high school- even stranger, a song from when I was in high school in KILLEEN- that was in 2001, friends, the year of the attacks on September 11- and remember the rhythm, words, and notes, verbatim. I was cleaning out a filing cabinet today, and found the narrative to a parody assignment we did at the end of that year in choir- just before we moved to the Fort Worth area- and I laughed. I could not believe I still had it, and I remembered, and texted Jasri, a friend who was in that group with whom the parody was written- she couldn't believe it either.

Time, it passes us so quickly. Within the blink of an eye, we go from giggly teenagers, to college students, to adults with bills and jobs, and we lose all of that (I must interject- I do not have bills or a job yet, but I know it's coming. Only a matter of time).

I pulled out my clock and plugged it back in today. I've not been keeping track of time- once we removed all the furniture from my room, I didn't have a clock plugged in, and simply neglected to plug my clock back in. I just put it back in place tonight and plugged it back in. I have one of those über cool clocks that resets itself when the power goes out...well, the power didn't go out, but it was unplugged for almost a week. The thing was, amazingly, still able to set itself correctly! Amazing! (no, this is not a plug for Emerson, but damn, amazing!)

I got this clock back before we moved to DFW, not sure of the exact date. Sadly, there is no copyright date on it, or the book which came with it (I found that today too!). The company, though, was still Emerson Research, as can be seen on the clock face, when I bought the clock. I liked it because it had blue numbers. That was what I wanted. Setting itself wasn't my concern at the time...but it's great that the company had a product back then that still works that great today! It keeps time....unlike me.

Sadly, I do not keep time well. I stay up half the night, and sleep in. Or, conversely, I get tired and go to sleep early, and wake up super early and try to find jobs, to no avail. My circadian rhythm....has no rhythm. Please, no metronomes. I hated them in high school marching band (colorguard....woot!!)...speaking of...flag!!

I still don't look much older....

The flag is still in my room. Colorguard is all about timing. Colorguard and choir were two things I could actually do the timing thing very well with. It's timing over time that I'm not very good at- if that makes any sense at all! I even went to state with choir, and got a medal...which is in a box that I haven't emptied yet...and our colorguard also won the North Texas Colorguard Association Championships the one year (on the same board in the same box and also hasn't been unearthed). One day, I will unearth my medal board- I have tons of them.

Time, time, time. I still have that song in my head. That word brings up so many topics, so many. Timed writing, timed music, timed spinning (colorguard), time of day, how much time I have in my life (a colorguard show, Ars Nova 2006), what I'm doing with my time in my life (not much really, sadly), time of day (my time is all mixed up)...and that song, it keeps playing in my head....oh, and thyme, the spice, too.

Keeping time, time, time in a sort of Runic rhyme, keeping time, keeping time, keeping time, keeping time, to the tin-tinabulation that so musically wells with the bells.....(where they came up with the lyrics, I have no idea, but oooook!)

Oh, and senior year--- "Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme, are you going to Scarborough Faire?" < I think they're gone for a bit. Maybe next year or something.

Me, actually at Scarborough Faire. No joke! (Summer 2010)

From Crayola to Completion and Beyond

Here in America, 'tis the season to dust off the old backpacks buy all new school supplies and head off to another year of school for the kiddos (and some older folk too, who often do recycle notebooks and other supplies).

For the Love of Blogs has posted a prompt-

Today's prompt: The beginning of a school year reminds me of....

Not all of us go to school, or have in years, or even have children that do, but I would bet at the beginning of a new school year we get thoughts or feelings that bring us back to the days we were there, good or bad.  Share those stories with us.  Let's go back a little, and reminisce.

Well, let's explore this concept, shall we?

The one thing that always strikes me at the beginning of the school year is the smell of fresh school supplies. Freshly sharpened pencils, unopened notebooks, the array of school supplies sitting unopened on a young student's desk, waiting to be used. Pencils lined up neatly in schoolboxes, knowing that they won't be that way for very long.

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Crayola crayons, lined up neatly, with their flat tops all lined up neatly in rows (Crayola were my favorite- Rose Art just wouldn't do! My parents will vouch for my pickiness-and studies have shown that Crayola really are better). Picking out a backpack for the new year- and stuffing as much stuff as I had to inside of it. A different folder for every subject in different colors- I didn't need a binder for all my subjects, because I didn't have as much homework or information back then. Map pencils, new textbooks, and finding out who your teacher would be on "Meet the Teacher" night at school.

I remember the small desks with storage to the side, with a slot for your pencils and a lower bin that was larger, where you were supposed to place your books. The upper ledge was for your schoolbox. I remember being nervous on the first day of class, and always being the last person called on the role, as the vice of having a last name at the end of the alphabet.

Then I remember high school. My first high school was scary- I got lost during fish camp. The buses came, dropped us off, and we got our schedule. We learnt it quickly- that was the year of September 11. My new high school was different- I didn't know anyone at all. Transferring information was a heap of a mess. It wasn't even all completely worked out until the end of the year. By this time, there were no more crayolas or freshly sharpened pencils, but the smell of "new school supplies" still entered the classroom every year; there were more books, there was more studying.

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Then school started earlier- first there was summer reading, then there was band camp. Marching in 100+ degree weather with colorguard equipment, mastering the rhythm of spinning a flag, matching the rhythm, and crossing a football field in a very short span of time. By the time school started, I had been registered and whatnot. I knew where I was going and what I was doing. Still, the "new school supply" smell was there when the first day of classes arrived, even though I had been at the school for a month by then.

Along came university, a whole new ball game. This time, classes never stopped. There was a constant flow of classes, never ebbing for a break. Sure, students took breaks, at their own pace. No matter the time of year, there was always class- Fall, Winter-mester (December), Spring, May-mester (May), Summer I, Summer II, Summer 11-Week, then back into Fall. Every fall, new students would show up- the pervasive smell of school supplies. And, of course, exorbitant fees to add to it. It became less shocking as time passed, and I knew a payment was about to be due. Your school supplies were a parking sticker, notebooks, pencils and/or pens, scantrons, and books; sometimes you needed a binder, and a computer and jump drive were always helpful. There was no list- just come prepared!

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Even if you don't attend school, when I enter any retailer around back-to-school time, I will see a notebook, a pack of pens and/or pencils, and I will instantly see myself back in the classroom, a desk full of supplies in front of me, pencils sharpened, Crayolas in front of me, fresh notebooks waiting to be written in, markers, crayons, and map pencils still neatly arranged in their respective boxes (in color order, mind you). Highlighters, capped, ready for highlighting. Whispers, a green chalkboard (yes, they still used them!) with a chalk box squarely on the shelf, empty folders, and my new clean backpack.

This is my first year not going back to school. The first time ever...and it feels foreign. My mom works at a school, and she's gone back, and my sister is back at the high school. I've graduated college...and no reason to go back yet. I see people talking about it, and I've nothing to say. I feel dumbfounded. I have an urge to go buy school supplies. I have an urge to go to the bookstore. I have an urge to go to lectures and turn in assignments. I keep having to remind myself that I'm not at that place in my life anymore. It's different. It's refreshing, different, and sort of empty. I long for more back to school smells, chalkboards, crayolas, and uncomfortable desks.

Why? Because that's the way it's been for as long as I can remember. I don't remember any other way.

School of Thought

Kids are going to hate me for this.

Summer break is so very unproductive. I know that having 2-3 months off sounds and looks great to a kid, but really, it's like a 2-3 month drain on their brain. They go back to school having forgotten a lot of things, and, having gone to school through summer the past few years, I rather like having a summer schedule to keep me going through the year. Perhaps having a month or so off would do some good, but more than a month is not much good at all.

I know that children are really good at picking things up and learning things, especially when they're younger. The things they can learn are amazing! Once they get to middle or high school, they don't pick things up as quickly (although they still pick things up more quickly than an adult would). Nevertheless, all the kids (at least most of them in the United States) typically get a break from sometime in late May or early June until late August or early September.

During this time, unless they are on some type of honors track (or punished into taking summer school), they take a break and...do nothing. They go swimming, take vacations, sometimes they sit around and complain how bored they are (guilty). They go to camp, they hang out with friends, but do they use any of that stuff that they learnt during the school year? Not really. Then, when they go back to school, they have to ease their way back into things. They start out slow, especially the first week.

I remember the first time I had to do a summer reading assignment because I took Advanced Placement classes. I was so unhappy with it, and I put it off until the last minute, all the while complaining about how bored I was with summer vacation. I didn't do anything for math, science, or history. My second year of high school, I moved to a different district, so I didn't get the summer reading assignment, and I had to do it very quickly after school started, putting me at a disadvantage. My junior year of high school, I did go to band camp, pushing my summer reading assignment forward, and the same with senior year.

In college, the classes were more varied, but I usually worked during the summer. Up until 2009, I had a job during the summer, so I didn't have the same idle time during the summer that I had up until then. I think it was a change for the better, because summers were no longer slow and long (although I got a break that was quite a bit longer- early May to almost September).

Then, in 2010, I took summer classes. When I went back in the fall, I didn't have the lazy summer brain that I had experienced before. By lazy summer brain, I mean the "I'm still in summer mode, I want to go back to summer vacation so I can sleep all the time and not really do much of anything" mentality. It was refreshing. I jumped right into the coursework, and although I kind of wished for a break, I also was kind of happy that I didn't have to go through the change in mentality that comes from a long break. I haven't had a long break since, not longer than a month anyway, and it's great. I feel more prepared for my classes when I don't have that break.

I think that if these kids had short breaks more often, as college has, instead of having the long, long summer break, they might fare better in school. They'd also be able to take trips more often, and they could stagger so that way everyone wouldn't be taking trips at the same time. I know that year-round schooling isn't a new idea, that it's been introduced, and a lot of people aren't fans, but looking back, I kind of wish that I had it. Besides, in Texas, it would have given refuge on those 110 degree days that we tend to experience quite often, in a nice air conditioned building.

Coming from a person who has experienced the long summer breaks vs. short semester breaks, I, by far, prefer the short semester breaks. Of course, kids might protest that, but they probably don't realize that they'd get the same amount of time on break, just spread out more over the year. It would also make it easier for kids to advance at their own place, and enter/exit schools as necessary. To me, it seems like there would be a lot of advantages, but hey, I could be wrong. I don't know everything, but I do know that from what I have seen, it might just be a better thing.

Flags and Fireworks

This is going to be more of a story type blog- I've had a busy time, and not much time to think of anything creative!

As the majority of you know, I'm sure (and if you don't, you probably have never heard of the US), yesterday (as of the minute I am typing this) was Independence Day in America. Of course, for the ladies that means dressing up in a lot of red, white, and blue and talking with other ladies, and for the guys, it means barbecuing and blowing a lot of things up (I have this confirmed with several sources). We, of course, forget the true meaning, the founding of our country. Ironic, though, that the Declaration of Independence wasn't fully signed on July 4th- some of you might not know this- just some of the signatures went on paper that day. I'm not sure of the exact date without looking it up, but signatures stretched beyond at least September that year, 1776 (how many knew the year?), and the date July 4th was chosen because this was the day that Congress is said to have approved the adoption of the Declaration.

Well, we have been in the St. Louis area this week visiting relatives, and we had a fireworks show of our own- low maintenance, probably expensive; my uncle bought the fireworks, neighbors of his bought some too. We all went into the cul-de-sac and shot off the fireworks, and it was nice. The kids lit the smaller stuff in the early evening (dare I say twilight, or the Twilight fans might start creeping my blog), and all the larger fireworks started when darkness finally fell.

The street was littered with cones and boxes of various fireworks that had been used, and my brother, sister, cousin, and cousin's neighbors had shot off some Roman candles, which were off in a bucket. Every direction you turned, you could see fireworks lighting up the night sky, almost like lightning, but much more exciting (and less scary). By the time we were done, the weather reports read that it was foggy (I think, in fact, it was smoky), and all the grand finales were showing. When we got back to my grandparents' house, we watched the coverage of the show at the Gateway Arch over the Mississippi, in Downtown St. Louis. I was proud of myself for lighting off Roman candles (and not being afraid of singeing off the ends of my hair....), but a little disappointed, because my sparklers when I was little were never that pretty! Mine were little metal sticks with sparkly grey matter at the end that sparked when you lit it. No shiny pretty wrappers!! Oh well.

I came to the house last night and finished my paper. It was rough, but I finally finished it. I'm still concerned about my internship, but I'm trying to keep my mind off it right now, because there's not much I can do from here, right?

So we went to Six Flags today. Funny that the origin of Six Flags is in Texas, and has to do with the six flags that have governed Texas, one of them being Texas' own independent flag! (The others being France, Spain, Mexico, Confederate States of America, and United States of America, in no particular order...yea, it interests me lol).

Six Flags was fun. I go there for the coasters, of course. We rode every one there....as well as the Ferris wheel. My brother was going to try to scare the crap out of me by getting me to do the bungee jump thing, but didn't (thank goodness). It was a good way to take my mind off things for a while and just wander around in the sun. It's funny, though, all the rides in Texas seem bigger. Oh yea, everything is bigger in Texas!!!

No, really.

Their wooden coaster could use some improvements, and ain't got crap on the Texas Giant, especially since they built the Giant to be smoother with the metal tracking and all. I can't compare the Tony Hawk because it had some weird, un-epic name here. The Batman? The decor outside sucked, and the guy behind the ride was an asshole. At least the people in Texas are friendly. The Batman also seems longer in Texas, and that's probably because they take you through the ride again....backwards. The Mr. Freeze? Too short. They were only running one side. In comparison, though, they were about the same. Tower of Power? They only have one tower here, and they only drop you once. Texas gives you much more suspense.

EVERYTHING IS BIGGER IN TEXAS!!
Except the fireworks shows.....sorry Texan readers. I saw some great fireworks. The burn bans are bigger, I guess you could say?

Well, that's all I got to say. Nothing insightful today. Well, I do have something insightful, come to think of it, but I'll save it for its own blog.

Deuces!

1,000!!

Someone from Farmville (yes, there is a city named that), North Carolina is my 1,000th viewer....if you know who you are...congratulations! (and yay! 1,000! Yes, I posted a whole blog for this occasion!)

Econ exam sucked. I asked when I can find out how badly I failed....he said tomorrow. So I'll know by then.

That's all I've got for now! ;)

Ok, I lied, I want to talk more. So I made my first attempt at French braiding (with my own hair) after I got home tonight. This was the outcome:

Not bad for my first attempt, right? (and I only spent a few minutes on it, too)

So I guess I'll be trying that more often. Oh, and I realized it's really difficult to take a photograph of the back of your head. Especially when your camera is kind of broken and the shutters keep wanting to stay shut. It actually took me longer to get a picture than it did to get my hair that way. I have to laugh at that. :P

Okay, now I'm out of content, although I'll probably come up with more to say in a few minutes. Oh, and my 1,000th viewer, I've discovered, is my newest follower, Shar! You can hop on over to her site here and show her some blog love too :)

Deuces!

Versatile blogger but still a failure at life

So, today was one of those days with an up-down kind of trend. I woke up this morning to find that one of the bloggers I follow, Lauren, has put me on the list of bloggers to whom she gave the "Versatile Blogger" award (ZOMG I was so shocked and excited!!) in her blog written Sunday. That was enough to keep me going most of the day....I got an award!! Yay!!

With the award, I must reveal dirty secrets give some random facts about myself.

1) I was born without tonsils. I've also been told I don't have wisdom teeth.
2) I lived in more places the first 6 years of my life than in the most recent 17
3) I don't like Chinese food, Asian food in general, spicy food, the majority of seafood, the majority of vegetables, Mexican food, beans, most things that have milk in them (yogurt, milk alone, I'll tolerate milk chocolate, love cheese...), most types of soda, and ICE.
4) I miss my brother.
5) My mini-Christmas tree is still assembled on my desk
6) Up until Christmas, I still had a TV/VCR combo in my room, without an attached DVD player. Old school!!
7) My clothes never make it into my closet. They might get folded or put on a hanger, but they usually end up elsewhere on a chair or something.
8) I was near to flunking out of college for a couple years because of extenuating circumstances
9) I like Aeropostale because they were established in 1987, my birth year, so I can have my birth year all over my clothes
10) I am a bookaholic and should probably also receive help for my internet addiction....

That completes 2/3 requirements:

• Requirement 1: Tell everyone who I received this award from (Lauren at The Blog You're About To Read)
• Requirement 2: Tell everyone my dirty secrets random facts
• Requirement 3: Pay it forward- give this award to seven others whom I think are totally frikken awesome & deserve it

So, my nominees are (I don't have many connections, so some of these might already have awards because they're so awesome, and if you're not included....I still love you). Because I read the blogs (blargs, in some cases) I love. But I'm limited to seven...:

1. Ah, the Possiblities!
2. Unladylike Behavior
3. I'd like cheese on my entire family!
4. Airing My Dirty Laundry, One Sock At A Time
5. Mumstrosity
6. Simply Kate
7. Woogsworld

Alright, that makes seven. Now I shall bore you with the rest of my day, including my rage that ensued from my horrible presentation.

Well, actually, my internship was pretty much normal as far as incidents go. Aside from the tornado sirens that started as I was leaving town, the day was pretty much incident-free. I still hate that they're moving things around and changing some of the functions within the program, but I guess it's worth a shot, right? We also discussed summer plans and my schedule, just for planning purposes.

Then I went to school. Today was that presentation that counts for quite a percentage of my grade. Of all the students, I was THE ONE she called out (and cut my presentation short). I didn't get to finish. She said we were short on time. All the other presenters went without anything being said. I tried to show her that I had ONE SINGLE slide left, but she's probably going to count off for a) wanting to continue presenting, and b) the material that wasn't presented; because she didn't see it, she's going to assume it's not there, and I'll be extremely, perhaps overly, upset over it. I was crying trying to get her to listen to me, but she was cold-hearted and cruel, ignoring everything I said.

Honestly, I think she didn't like me from day one. I asked a lot of questions over the semester. I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. I think that annoyed her. Argh. Now, when it comes time for grades, she's gonna be uber pissed, and probably mark off as many points as she can. And I'll do poorly in the class because of it. Thankfully, I don't have to have her class next semester, because she only teaches the first seminar. Unfortunately, her opinion will factor into my GPA and leave a big red pimple on the beauty that is my Social Work GPA. *scowl* and I worked so hard for that class!

Why is it that when I work hard for something, I end up failing? I don't get it. Reminds me of this song I used to listen to years ago with my then-best friend- Linkin' Park "In the End"

I tried so hard, and got so far

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

Sound about right? Yep. I've been working hard my entire university career. I worked hard at my jobs. I always work hard. I don't just sit off and observe, or do a halfway job. I put everything into the things that I do. And it hurts tremendously when I fail. I'm sure (or at least I hope) I'm not the only one like this. It just is painful to put so much of yourself into something only to fail.

Why must I fail? I guess that's the natural order of things. It's taken me six years to finish a four year degree. I've held 2 full-time jobs, a volunteer type job for a bit, and now an internship. I never stopped going to school, but for a while, I was tiptoeing the line toward being kicked out. I went to class and completed the assignments, but always fell short. Especially in the sciences and history/politics. I'm sure that would have been the case with English and Math too, had I been required to take them (I tested out in high school with the AP exams). It's hard to not get down on yourself when this is the kind of stuff you face.

I was class salutatorian in high school, and Ms. I-do-everything-under-the-sun. I was smart. Of course, I was hiding the fact that secretly, I wasn't happy with my life at all, I was doing as many things as I could to make it look like I was happy.

Then I went to college. I started failing things. I got less involved. I never made any (close) friends once we moved here whilst I was still in high school, and I haven't made any (close) college friends....just some acquaintances that seem to fall off the face of the planet once the semester I am taking a class with them ends. You know, those people you talk to, but once the semester is over, their number changes, or they stop responding to you? Yea, I've got a lot of those.

Anyway, I have an economics exam tomorrow, and a psych exam to type up tomorrow after I'm done studying, so....I guess this is it. All I have to say. See how interesting I am (not)? Auf weidersehen.

Reading ahead

In order to make up for the horrible nature of my last blog, I have to write another one. I can't stand that one being first, but I promised an Easter blog. Now for some stuff that I actually...want to write about. I must do this tonight because....that one really sucked. I have to compensate- perhaps overcompensate. So....voilà, here it is

I'm of the type that likes to know what is going to happen. I enjoy predictability. Sometimes, I like to work from the beginning, skip to the end, then work through the middle.

Since I'm an avid reader, a bookaholic, if you will, I'll start by comparing it to that- it's like a book- I'll read the first few chapters to get an understanding of the author's use of language, then I'll skip to the last few chapters to see where the book is going, then I'll read the middle and try to work out, in my head, how it went from beginning to end. When in school, I liked to have the answer key, not to cheat, but to follow a line that leads me to the right answer. I'd look at the question and answer, and work out the middle, so that way, I know if I'm aimed in the right direction.

Unfortunately for me, life is nothing like that. I can't know the ending. It's difficult for me, because when I'm trying to work out situations, I often can't figure them out. I get nervous, my brain shuts off, and I am forced to operate under autopilot. Sometimes, I use previous *similar* experiences to guide my behaviour. That's not always the most successful way to go about things, but for me, it helps me to understand the inner workings better.

In a book, if I haven't referred to the ending, I often end up with a lot of loose ties, and wondering how everything fits together, and why certain things are included while others aren't. I get lost sometimes, trying to figure out the storyline. Having a destination makes it to where I am much less likely to get lost. I don't know if anyone else is like that...which makes it a little awkward. Some think I'm doing it just to get the answers, but that's not my goal. My goal is to know what's coming so that I can make the proper connections now.

Sometimes, I love shows like Criminal Minds for that reason. Most of the episodes, the viewer knows who the unsub is all along, and we get to watch the BAU connect the pieces of the puzzle until they find the person. I guess it's something like that. When working out a puzzle, you usually have an image right in front of you to guide you toward the solution, without specifically telling you how to get there- that's the fun part, working toward a visible goal.

Don't get me wrong, I do get a sense of pride when I figure out the correct answer/action without the guidance, but I feel less confident about my choices. Basically, I like having an end product in mind; that's just how I operate best.

With my chosen profession, I get to hear about the person's past, their current state of mind/lifestyle, and connect it with possible future outcomes. I have resources I can relay the person to, and have some idea what they will do with that person. The goals are visible. I don't have the answers, but I have EBP (Evidence-Based Practice- for those who aren't in the field, that's where you look at the research and make decisions based upon previous experiences). I can use EBP to determine what sort of path to take, and while I don't always know what response I'll get, I know that I had some sort of foundation, and a specific outcome in mind. It may not work out exactly to plan, but as long as somehow, I get to the end point, I think I'll feel more confident.

Basically, I like having something to build on. I like knowing what my finished product should (or will) look like. Builders of houses use floorplans so they know what the final product is supposed to look like, and what measurements to use. Stuff like that. I want a floorplan for my life, so I can know what goes where and put things together knowing that in the end, it'll all work out- because right now, I don't know that it'll all work out. Life is constantly throwing obstacles in my way, and I am always wondering how "worth it" it is to try to get around these obstacles- I mean, would it be worth it if there's just disaster on the other side? If things never improve? I can't turn to the end of the book and see. *sigh*

In the midst

So, while surfing the net today, I found an article on WebMD that stated that a lot of the states ranked as the happiest states also had higher suicide rates.

Say WHAT? (this ends the talk of suicide in this post. I don't want to chase anyone away)

But then I thought about it. Say one is a middle-class citizen, working 5-6 days a week for a mediocre but sufficient salary. Everyone around them is living in million dollar homes, working only a few days a week, with home theatres and whatnot, and this individual is just barely making ends meet. Where does their confidence level lie?

Take the same person, put them in a lower-middle class or poverty stricken neighborhood, and this person is probably more likely to feel satisfied that s/he is able to make ends meet, and might be more satisfied with their standards of living.

I admit that I, myself, tend to compare myself to those around me, and it's something a lot of people do. Some people have to undo that thinking or work around it in order to be satisfied with their lives. It's very difficult to feel good about a mediocre paycheck when everyone around you is living a glamorous life. It's very difficult to feel awful about a mediocre paycheck when your neighbor can barely feed their kids.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's all relevant to the environment you're in, the challenges you have faced, and the way you perceive things. I know that some people, when placed in a neighborhood where the median income is lower might not feel any better, and there could be reasons for this. I know that some living around those with a higher standard of living may be perfectly content around those people. This generally is not the norm, but there are some people like that.

When it comes to myself, I try to think of not just the people in my geographical area, but the world in general. I don't put myself down by hating myself for having a meal because there are starving kids in Africa, but I also don't lament myself for not having something exclusive. There are a few things that I want, but the importance of life, for me, lies more in the meaning of my relationships and the things I'm doing.

I know that I've had a rough time getting through college. I've been on the brinks of probation from the university, but here I am now, facing two weeks and final week of this semester, then one more semester of university level classes before I get my bachelor's degree!!

Granted, it took a lot of my peers only 4 years to complete the degree that it took me to complete...but somewhere inside, I tell myself that it doesn't matter how long it took me to get it, the fact is, despite all my obstacles, I am getting it! That's more than what I could say in the past, where I have seriously considered dropping out of college, and I'm glad I didn't. I feel a bit bummed seeing younger people completing the same program, but at the same time, I remember the years I spent lost, not knowing what I was going to do, and not finding social work until my third or fourth year of college. Had I not taken that extra time, I may not have found the calling I love! What would I feel then?

In fact, not only did those extra years give me the chance to find the major I love, but it gave me the insight and the obstacles that led me to that major! For the longest time, I faced so many obstacles it was nearly unbearable. I fought and tried my hardest, and was disappointed to see the lack of help in the services I needed.

After being referred to social work by the psychology department, I realized that there is a lack of social workers, and that if I graduated with this degree, I could help to close the huge, gaping hole in the social service sector. No, I won't completely fill the hole, but every little bit helps. I think of the little things I do every day, especially in my internship, and when I get home, I try to remember the little things I did, the difference that I have made; even if I only affected one person that day, even just the slightest bit, then I have made a difference. If I had not been there, I would not have made that difference.

Thing is, social service jobs pay so much lower than regular jobs, so not as many people are willing to do them! There is also such a low supply of social service workers that the ones that do get hired have extremely high caseloads and severe levels of burnout- making a need for education specifically on how to avoid (or lessen) burnout. It's sad that such a helpful and important job is neglected by low funding and even lower supply of workers.

Not many people are willing to do this kind of job without high pay. There are so many challenges and risks that many don't find it worth it. The thing is, though, a great number of people are in their job for the extrinsic rewards (think paycheck), and not the intrinsic rewards (think the satisfaction and sense of worth when you've accomplished something, especially something big). I don't honestly want to be rich. I don't care if I live in a house or in an apartment. I don't care if I have a fancy car or a pool in my yard. For me, it's the importance of people receiving services that gives me a sense of accomplishment I can't seem to find anywhere else. That's what keeps me going every day.

I could compare myself to those around me, but I'd be greatly disappointed in most aspects. Sometimes, it is precisely that which brings me down- realizing that I'm not up to everyone else's standards, or that I don't agree, or that I stand out. It's not a pleasant feeling. I try to leave myself little time to dwell on these things, and that tends to be sufficient enough to keep me from thinking about those things. After all, we all have our own strengths or weaknesses, so it's really difficult to compare one person to another.

I have no job, no paycheck, it took me 6 years to complete a 4 year degree. I'm not really close with anyone. I still live with my parents, and have never lived on my own, or even in the dorms at school. I don't have the fanciest car, or the fanciest clothes; the majority of my closet comes from Goodwill. I'm overweight, and not that pretty. I could go on for days.

The thing is, because I've learned how to look at the different perspectives in different situations, I try to think about these things differently, although sometimes, I'm not very good at it. For instance, yes, it took me 6 years, but I had so many obstacles standing in my way, yet I kept going, where a lot of others would have quit. I'm not close with anyone, but I do have connections. I live with my parents, but, over time, I've saved on living expenses. I don't have a fancy car, but I have a car that I can (usually) rely on to get where I need to go, and it's not an old clunker. My clothes come from Goodwill, but not all clothes from there are that bad really. If you look hard enough, you can sometimes even find brand new clothes from there. I'm overweight, but....well, haven't thought of a positive for that one yet. I'm not all that pretty, but....well, not that one yet either.

Some days, I'm more down than others, and some days, I'm the complete opposite. Positive- I'm feeling emotions. I know how to better handle them (although not perfect in this area yet). I have rocky relationships, but I'm working on them. I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I can say with certainty that I'm not completely stupid. I don't feel positive things about myself, even if I know they're true, but I'm working on all these things. I compare myself to others often- moodier, less intelligent (than some), more intelligent (than others), etc. I have my own place in the crowd, a place reserved specifically for me, because I'm the only one that can be me, see through my eyes, and live my life.

The compliment dilemma

Well, it turns out all semester I've been sending my psychology assignments to the wrong email address....DERP!! I finally got it straightened out last night, and was elated to get this email from my professor today:

This is Rock-Star-Psyc-Major level work.  Excellent at all levels.  Thanks for putting in so much effort.

That was not the response I expected!! Granted, I am a social work major, and if I make it to grad school, my intended concentration would be mental health. (Considering asking this guy for a recommendation- Excellent professor, Dr. in the field, extensive experience, very wise and intellectual man). Now I just have to finish the short 2 take home exams, and I'll be finished with that class!

What excites me the most about this is that I am NOT a psych major- I actually dropped it because there was too much research involved, and I am not a scientific/research type of person. Apparently, though, I have a lot of the knowledge necessary to go into my desired field, which is so similar to psychology (besides the lower level of research and increased field experience) that it's uncanny. I love it! My confidence level just went through the ROOF!

On the other hand, I have an economics class to keep up with. Now, my professor has told me that in order to fail, I pretty much have to bomb the rest of the assignments and exams because I am on the A/B border. It would be great to earn an A in a course I absolutely detest!! I mean, all I need is a C to transfer, and he says I shouldn't even be worried about that. I still am. I can't help but worry. I mean, if I don't pass ECON, then I have to retake it over the summer, or take it in the fall, which would delay my receiving of my degree until December, which I do not want to do. I've been studying for this next exam, Tuesday night, like a maniac....

But I've got that presentation Monday. I probably won't *really* be able to focus until Monday night, after the presentation is over. I also accidentally printed too many pages from the lab printer- d'oh. I had to print the note pages for the presentation! Otherwise I'll forget my words and flop around like a fish up there. I can communicate this way, no problem. I can write papers well, apparently, even if I'm as unsure of myself as I was about the psychology assignments that I did a "psych-major" level job on. I know that he said he had most of the class redo the assignment...so I suppose that's a good sign when he says not only did I do well, but a psych major level!

Unfortunately, I do horribly taking compliments. I am able to say thank you, and smile, but in my mind, I cannot believe the compliments. It's like I can't comprehend why someone would want to give me a compliment. I don't deserve compliments! There's this wrong with me, and that wrong with me, and this and that too. I've learned to keep the objections to the compliments to myself, for the most part, but it's difficult to connect good things with myself. I struggle with this daily. I can't even compliment myself!! If it's something good, it cannot be about me!!

In fact, it's taken me a long time to stop strongly rejecting any and every compliment. Even the above comment from Dr. O? My first thought was "Is he looking at the right student's email?" Of course, could he have responded to the original email from the wrong person with the text that I wrote in there and my attachments on there? No....but in my mind, I was trying to make a reason.

I wonder, though, from where this stems. Why is it that compliments are so freakin hard for me to accept? I'm even still waiting for the "but" clause to arrive in my inbox--BUT you got the wrong idea. BUT your writing wasn't good enough. BUT you should have sent it to the right email address sooner (thank goodness that Word documents the last update made to each document).

Luckily, I am two assignments ahead in that class, and only have the take-home exams to finish. The questions on the take-home exams seem simple enough, asking about things I already know about. Good thing is, a lot of the work we are doing is related to abnormal psychology, which I'm taking in the second half of the summer session.

I'm still contemplating, though, why it is so hard for me to accept compliments. What, besides low self-esteem, could make a person reject compliments, verbally or internally, as strongly as I do? I haven't any theories; I can read other people and usually target their issue and help them with it, but when it comes to myself, I just plain don't understand. From what I have been told, I have NO reason whatsoever to be so insecure, yet I am.

From an early age, I was advanced in my classes and my intellect. When moving from Hawaii to Texas, they tried to hold me back a grade because of my age, but my parents convinced them by having them test my reading level- there was no way they'd put me back in kindergarten after they saw the results, unless I "fell behind". To this day, a good friend of mine, Valerie, remembers when I joined the class, and she was no longer the best reader. We didn't have it out though, or anything like that. She was actually the first person in the class to really talk to me. And we still talk, although not as often.

That alone should be an ego boost...and it gets better. I was the youngest person in my class because of this special exception they made, and I was always near the top of the class. Although I never tested into TAG, the talented and gifted program in Killeen, I was always placed in the class with the TAG students. I cried when I got my first B in 3rd grade- an 89- I didn't get the 7 times tables. (I still have a bit of trouble with the 7 tables, even though 7 is my favorite number- I have to think through it).

I was a straight A student in all these advanced classes, even through middle school. The only class I ever had trouble with in elementary/middle school is TAG Algebra I- but I had no previous algebra experience- I never even took pre-algebra. I dove straight from basic 7th grade level math to an accelerated Algebra I. Those problems resolved, however, and I did much better in classes that followed. My 8th grade Algebra teacher had nearly no faith in my ability to do Algebra. I'll come back to this in a second.

When I transferred high schools, I finally got a class ranking- 2/232. In a class of students all older than me (and more than one person has said that the valedictorian kind of cheated her way there to begin with, but that's a whole different story). I competed in multiple academic competitions through UIL (for those who don't know- it's a state organization of ALL activities, from sports to music to academics, with rules and regulations regarding each one, that governs competition in Texas). I competed in history (2005 State Champs!!!!), Spelling (5th in the region- see blog about rendezvous HERE because my perfectionism is well explained- I almost made it to state!), maths, number sense (calculations in your head- no calculator or scratch paper), calculator, creative writing, and science, among others, at one time or another. I also competed in Choir- Division II 9th and 11th grade, Division I 10th and 12th grade, as well as a Division II at state my senior year.

So how on earth could a person like this be so insecure about their achievements and any accomplishments that come their way? Even then, it was never good enough. I still cannot seem to find "good enough". When speaking with my economics professor tonight about my grade, he commented that it was quite strange that I was so worried about my grade, even though I had been showing excellent performance. I know that I tend to be a perfectionist, but looking at my past, I can't imagine why I can't accept a compliment. I worked hard, I got good grades, I participated in a thousand after-school activities, what does this stem from?

Theoretically, it might be from some type of....issue that I have. I'm not sure how true this is, because my parents don't believe this stuff existed before that psychology class....but don't take into account that I couldn't initiate a visit with anyone before I turned 18, which was after I finished my psychology course. And, sadly, knowing as much about psychology as I do, seeing as I did a "rock-star-psych-major" job on my assignments, I'm having trouble figuring out why I can't figure it out!!!


It's late, and I can't really seem to get my mind off this, so this is all I'll write about now. I need to learn about taking compliments, and I've got some studying to do for class. I've also got a powerpoint presentation to finish, as well as the take home exam, and some exercises from the course tutor from my economics class, so I can be prepared. My meeting at 2:30 tomorrow is cancelled, so I'm in the clear there. In fact, I've probably gotten enough hours this week that I could likely take the day off, but I have an individual session to do before the end of the week. I'd rather not go up there Saturday. Oh, and I need some rest. That might be important. There will be a more interesting blog coming up sometime soon. ;)

Umbrella Desperation

Today started out mostly uneventful. Went to school, found a nice, close parking space, and went to class. Didn't think twice about it. I'm a bit disappointed that my psychology professor told us that we all did the assignments wrong, and is having us re-do them. After class, I went to the student centre to await a call from my doctor and then spend the next 5 hours....typing, studying, playing some sudoku, whatever I needed to do to pass the time.

Somewhere in the midst of this, I started to drift off into sleep. My sudoku game showed that I had been on the same game for 73:14, which means it was probably around an hour, because it typically takes less than 10 minutes for the difficult level. What alerted me was the siren. The tornado siren. And the TCC policemen making their way through the building telling everyone to take cover and get away from the windows. I instantly went into panic mode. If you've been watching, I tend to be easily sent into panic. Suddenly, I was nowhere near sleeping, a siren was blaring, the few people in the building were yelling, and I had gone from pretty much asleep, to in a daze, to super-alert.

Instantly I tried calling my mom, but no luck. My phone pretended like it was trying to dial the number. I had almost a full signal. No luck again. And again. I was insisting on standing by the window, in hopes that would help my service....as they continued to yell at people to stay away from the windows. I look up, and suddenly I notice it's also pouring down rain, and dime to quarter-size hail is falling from the sky, it almost looks like it's snowing.

I freeze. My cognition stops. I'm standing there open-mouthed staring out the window. By this time it is quieter, except for the rain, and the officer telling me to get away from the window. Obviously, I wasn't comprehending. I watched as....nothing happened. The sirens stopped, after about 15 minutes. I dropped back into my chair, and at THAT time...pulled my iPod out to check out the weather. It's still pouring down rain, and the thunder is shaking the windows, almost as much as the iPod is shaking in my hands, as I try to log on the network on the tiny screen, missing letters and getting frustrated.

The officer is still there, somewhat curious as to why I wasn't following directions I suppose, and the only words I could seem to muster at the time were "and I thought I had parked close to the building today, and I left my umbrella in my car. How am I going to eat?" That's it. He lost interest and left. I finally got my phone to dial out and called my mom to find out what was going on at home. Just some light hail there. I don't remember if she mentioned sirens or not, but I think those sirens on campus are about 20x louder than they are in the residential areas, seeing as I can never hear them when they go off at home, and I don't live in the city.

At that point, my only concern became that my umbrella was in my car, and I was not. I was in the building, and I didn't have my umbrella. I didn't have a way to get the umbrella unless I went outside. I was stuck in a tunnel of thinking: umbrella in car....me in building...umbrella in car....me in building....because I wanted to avoid the thought of the tornado warning that had just occurred. I wasn't even thinking about the class I was waiting for, just the umbrella, and my lack of proximity to it- in my car... (ps, that is my car, that is NOT my umbrella. For the record.)

Eventually, I went to class, and it had stopped raining. I still continued to think about my umbrella. After class, when I walked to my car, I realized I had unconsciously parked it under a tree, which probably helped to alleviate any hail damage that may have occurred. Go me! Oh, and my professor has planned an economics exam for next week. The day after my presentation. Go figure. *facepalm*

Rendezvous and perfection

All eyes are on me.....or they will be next week. I make a presentation on a case at my internship next week. Unfortunately, until tonight, I thought it was just over what we are doing at our internship. Now I have to pick a case (or more than one if I choose)....well, I was supposed to do that before, but didn't realise it.

I also have lost 7 points on 1 paper because I didn't make it to that class because of some stuff at my internship. Now I'm standing on the borderline of A and B, so this presentation must be absolutely perfect. I know my stuff though, and I love my internship, so why is this so much of a problem?

I HAVE PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.

When I get in front of people, I feel like I'm going to faint. Everyone's beady eyes are focused on me, some because they want to listen, others because they know they'll have participation points removed if they don't watch. And they'll be judging me. With their little beady eyes. That, or trying to play with their iPhones tastefully hidden behind their purse on their desk. (not that I'm biased- but we only have two or three guys in our graduating class. So generally, it's behind the purses. And I'm not joking. Social work tends not to be a male profession).

I also tend to ramble. Sometimes randomly. Because I get nervous and forget where I'm going. Sometimes, I even feel the need to fill the notes section of the powerpoint, just so I know I won't forget everything. Then I still ramble. Then someone will ask a question, and, because I (sadly) know a lot about MH/SA, I tend to answer, and then go off on tangents.

My presentation. I had it done two weeks early. I never finish ANYTHING two weeks early. Click HERE to see a blog written about my procrastination....while I was procrastinating on a psychology assignment. I might post my powerpoint here for critique, just because, (with my last name not showing, of course, because I'm so paranoid that someone will come hunt me down and murder me or something....by the way, please don't.)....Maybe I'll end up getting some good feedback.

PS- Dr. O, it would help if you would give me a due date, because otherwise, it might be the end of the semester before I do this stuff. I don't work well if there's not a deadline. I would also like to know if you ever received my first assignment, because it would have been wiped off my jump drive, and I'd have to redo that one too. On a manic day, I completed all the rest of the assignments and one of the two (very simple) take-home exams...I know about personality disorders already, so I flew through it, when I finally got to doing it. But I don't want to send this stuff into cyberspace for it to just disappear forever.

For right now, I will be re-making the powerpoint because- fault #2- I am a perfectionista, and right now, it is not up to my standards. It actually makes me want to cry because I feel like it's so awful. I am the type that will do, redo, and redo an assignment to death, just to make it perfect. Or keep improving, at least. Because it's never good enough. EVER. I will be agonising over this until I get my final grade. Then I will continue to critique my powerpoint. Although there will be nothing I can change, I will continue to think about what I messed up.

For example- a situation where I will never forget what I did wrong- Regional competition for UIL (University Interscholastic League- a "organisation" in Texas that allows students to compete with other students in a variety of things- football and other sports, music and other arts, and of course academics. I was always an academic. I missed senior prom because I was in San Angelo competing in an academic competition. Seriously. I could have gone back for prom that night, but I decided to stay and compete. *places geek sticker on forehead* (and yes, I was technically in the marching band- so I'm a band geek too. Or, well, technically, guard nerd. If you catch my drift.) That year, I spelt rendezvous wrong on the test. I don't know why or how, but I did. I will never again forget that word. I was like 2 points (which would be 1 or 2 questions depending on the section of the test I was on) from qualifying for state. I missed rendezvous. Why, why, why??? I counted the state scores from region- I was in the top 20ish area. But I didn't get to go to state. I will never again forget how to spell rendezvous....which is sad because I'll never have that opportunity again. I was *makes gesture* this close. THIS CLOSE!! to state competition. *facepalm* moving along.

So now, my readers know that I am terribly frightened of all those eyes staring at me while I have a presentation. If you are to view my presentation, please don't laugh when I get terrified. although I don't think any of my classmates are readers. I can talk one on one, no big deal. Small group....makes me a little anxious. Big group makes me want to run out of the room as if my seat is on fire, or as though I smell really good food cooking and haven't eaten in weeks.

However, since neither of those has happened, as one can tell by my not-so-fit physique and lack of burned-bottom, I don't know how fast I would be running. But I can assure you that's how fast I would probably run, if I could. I'm not looking forward to this. It's a week away and I'm already panicking- goodness, help us all, I will be speaking in front of a large group of people. Not only that, but I'll be fretting about my powerpoint and whether it is perfect. Whether I spelt everything right. Whether I answered all the questions, even though I've gone through what I already have about 10 times making sure it was all in there. Of course, after misreading the directions, I trust myself even less. Here goes the night- time to work on that presentation. Powerpoint will be up probably Wed or Thurs depending on how quickly I can mend the errors I've made. And on how quickly I can convince myself that there is no way I can change it and make it any better.

Even then, I will still be scrutinising it to death in my head. And probably write a blog or two to get away from it for a while. But still thinking about it the whole time. Of course, by nature. I can't let myself lose a few points here or there; they add up. This presentation....must....be.....perfect. -_- Obsessiveness at its finest.