Rendezvous and perfection

All eyes are on me.....or they will be next week. I make a presentation on a case at my internship next week. Unfortunately, until tonight, I thought it was just over what we are doing at our internship. Now I have to pick a case (or more than one if I choose)....well, I was supposed to do that before, but didn't realise it.

I also have lost 7 points on 1 paper because I didn't make it to that class because of some stuff at my internship. Now I'm standing on the borderline of A and B, so this presentation must be absolutely perfect. I know my stuff though, and I love my internship, so why is this so much of a problem?

I HAVE PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.

When I get in front of people, I feel like I'm going to faint. Everyone's beady eyes are focused on me, some because they want to listen, others because they know they'll have participation points removed if they don't watch. And they'll be judging me. With their little beady eyes. That, or trying to play with their iPhones tastefully hidden behind their purse on their desk. (not that I'm biased- but we only have two or three guys in our graduating class. So generally, it's behind the purses. And I'm not joking. Social work tends not to be a male profession).

I also tend to ramble. Sometimes randomly. Because I get nervous and forget where I'm going. Sometimes, I even feel the need to fill the notes section of the powerpoint, just so I know I won't forget everything. Then I still ramble. Then someone will ask a question, and, because I (sadly) know a lot about MH/SA, I tend to answer, and then go off on tangents.

My presentation. I had it done two weeks early. I never finish ANYTHING two weeks early. Click HERE to see a blog written about my procrastination....while I was procrastinating on a psychology assignment. I might post my powerpoint here for critique, just because, (with my last name not showing, of course, because I'm so paranoid that someone will come hunt me down and murder me or something....by the way, please don't.)....Maybe I'll end up getting some good feedback.

PS- Dr. O, it would help if you would give me a due date, because otherwise, it might be the end of the semester before I do this stuff. I don't work well if there's not a deadline. I would also like to know if you ever received my first assignment, because it would have been wiped off my jump drive, and I'd have to redo that one too. On a manic day, I completed all the rest of the assignments and one of the two (very simple) take-home exams...I know about personality disorders already, so I flew through it, when I finally got to doing it. But I don't want to send this stuff into cyberspace for it to just disappear forever.

For right now, I will be re-making the powerpoint because- fault #2- I am a perfectionista, and right now, it is not up to my standards. It actually makes me want to cry because I feel like it's so awful. I am the type that will do, redo, and redo an assignment to death, just to make it perfect. Or keep improving, at least. Because it's never good enough. EVER. I will be agonising over this until I get my final grade. Then I will continue to critique my powerpoint. Although there will be nothing I can change, I will continue to think about what I messed up.

For example- a situation where I will never forget what I did wrong- Regional competition for UIL (University Interscholastic League- a "organisation" in Texas that allows students to compete with other students in a variety of things- football and other sports, music and other arts, and of course academics. I was always an academic. I missed senior prom because I was in San Angelo competing in an academic competition. Seriously. I could have gone back for prom that night, but I decided to stay and compete. *places geek sticker on forehead* (and yes, I was technically in the marching band- so I'm a band geek too. Or, well, technically, guard nerd. If you catch my drift.) That year, I spelt rendezvous wrong on the test. I don't know why or how, but I did. I will never again forget that word. I was like 2 points (which would be 1 or 2 questions depending on the section of the test I was on) from qualifying for state. I missed rendezvous. Why, why, why??? I counted the state scores from region- I was in the top 20ish area. But I didn't get to go to state. I will never again forget how to spell rendezvous....which is sad because I'll never have that opportunity again. I was *makes gesture* this close. THIS CLOSE!! to state competition. *facepalm* moving along.

So now, my readers know that I am terribly frightened of all those eyes staring at me while I have a presentation. If you are to view my presentation, please don't laugh when I get terrified. although I don't think any of my classmates are readers. I can talk one on one, no big deal. Small group....makes me a little anxious. Big group makes me want to run out of the room as if my seat is on fire, or as though I smell really good food cooking and haven't eaten in weeks.

However, since neither of those has happened, as one can tell by my not-so-fit physique and lack of burned-bottom, I don't know how fast I would be running. But I can assure you that's how fast I would probably run, if I could. I'm not looking forward to this. It's a week away and I'm already panicking- goodness, help us all, I will be speaking in front of a large group of people. Not only that, but I'll be fretting about my powerpoint and whether it is perfect. Whether I spelt everything right. Whether I answered all the questions, even though I've gone through what I already have about 10 times making sure it was all in there. Of course, after misreading the directions, I trust myself even less. Here goes the night- time to work on that presentation. Powerpoint will be up probably Wed or Thurs depending on how quickly I can mend the errors I've made. And on how quickly I can convince myself that there is no way I can change it and make it any better.

Even then, I will still be scrutinising it to death in my head. And probably write a blog or two to get away from it for a while. But still thinking about it the whole time. Of course, by nature. I can't let myself lose a few points here or there; they add up. This presentation....must....be.....perfect. -_- Obsessiveness at its finest.