Locked Out

It was my junior year of college, and I was in the midst of taking several Social Work classes, one of them being an afternoon class. If you prod me as to which one, I will never remember...but it was a required one, I do remember that much...actually, all of them are required, so that's a moot point.

I attended my noon class as normal, and then I sat the break waiting for my 7pm Spanish class to begin. The class was a 2 hour class, and was held twice a week, as was my noon class, so I had a five hour break- enough to drop in and buy a snack for dinner and perhaps study some vocab on the way to the building which was quite a distance away. It had horrible parking, so I usually walked, then walked back to my car after class, seeing as the walking distance had multiple emergency boxes and was well-lit.

Because I didn't drive my car between my noon and 7pm classes, it didn't dawn upon me to reach in my purse and check for my keys before I left the building. Big mistake.

When I was leaving my 7pm class- at nearly 9pm, in the winter, so it was dark out- I reached in my purse for my keys. Not there. Ohhh shit. Maybe I clipped them to my bag? I have a carabiner clip, so this is entirely possible. I check my bag, but my keys are not there. I dump out the entire contents of my purse on my car. Surely, there must be a set of keys in there somewhere. I dig through it all. Nothing.

I shove everything back in my purse, throw my purse over my shoulder, and unarm my backpack. I search through the small front pocket. No such luck. A few pens and a few stray items like a bottle of lotion, some ibuprofen, a highlighter, some notecards. Great. I can't find my keys. I'm locked out of my car. It's dark out, I'm in a parking lot, at the university, people are leaving, I'm 35 miles from home, and I'm locked out of my car.

I empty the large compartment of my backpack. I find books and a notebook. A stray package of crackers. More notecards. A very crumpled piece of paper. No keys. Great. I decide to backtrack, back to the building where I was last- maybe I dropped them there. (Not thinking to maybe check the Social Work building, where I was parked, first)

I call my mom and tell her I'm locked out of my car in Arlington, and that I am backtracking to see if I can find them. She says she's on her way, very unhappily I might add, since she's driving 70 miles to drop off a set of keys, and I take off for Preston Hall basement, the location of my Spanish class.

Freezing, I make my way into the building, and nobody is there but the cleaning crew. They let me in after trying to communicate for about 5 minutes about what it is I'm trying to find, but nothing is there. I bid farewell, and back to the Social Work Complex I go. My mom hasn't arrived yet, so I trek to my 10am class- no luck there (surprisingly, the door was unlocked). I ran upstairs to my noon class- ah, it was Practice III- but the doors are locked, so I find a cleaning crew lady, and she lets me in, but no luck.

Finally my mom arrives, with my keys, and I drive home, racking my brains trying to figure out where the heck I left my keys. It had to be Social Work, because I remembered having them in the morning, but I didn't remember seeing them in Spanish class. I was very frustrated with this, so I drove the 35 miles the next day (why didn't I call?) to ask if they had any keys turned into the office the day before (at both buildings).

Voilá. My keys had been in the Social Work building, in the office, the whole time.

I was locked out of my car and my keys were right there, within feet of where I was. I felt really smart idiotic that day. Now I almost compulsively check for my keys. We live and we learn!

Two Hundredth Post

Two Hundred Amazing Things

For my two hundredth post, I've decided I'm going to
1. Write about one hundred amazing things I appreciate- monumental or not. Some of them may be geeky or silly, others are extremely monumental. Some may be related to each other, others may be out there.
2. Write 25 things about me, some of them you may know, some of them you may not
3. Write about 25 things I want to happen in the future (big or small)
4. Write about 25 things I've done this month
5. Write about 25 things I want to happen this month (or will make myself do)

I'm flying by the seat of my pants here, but let's get started.

100 Things I appreciate
1. I graduated from college
2. I got my college class ring/ will be receiving at the end of the month
3. I got a pillowtop mattress (OMG it's so amazing...)
4. I've almost reached 150k miles on my car
5. I'm starting to get my sleep closer to a regular schedule

6. Internet on a phone. Need I say more?
7. Foursquare Awards. I don't know why they feel great, but they do.
8. Klout. I haz it. It's amazing.
9. One of my high school teachers still keeps up with me.
10. I'll be seeing this high school teacher on Friday, and he's going to help me with job interview stuff

11. Walking across the stage...I'll be doing it again in December.
12. It was amazingly cool today. We got a break from the heat of summer!!
13. I've made some really awesome friends through blogging!
14. My brother is getting married
15. My sister is in high school

16. I've come so far with my blog & blogging
17. I've learnt so much about the internet in my ventures
18. I've lost a little weight
19. Waking up on the mornings I don't have headaches.
20. Winning at video games

21. Winning at Sudoku (how can you lose at Sudoku, anyway?)
22. Going home after a really, really long day
23. The feeling you get after I've done something that helps someone
24. A solid high-five
25. Being able to french braid my hair without looking in the mirror (seriously!)

26. Finding an old cassette tape my best friend gave me in middle school and remembering how Corky taped over part of it, and how mad I was at the time, and how I now have the whole mP3 file, and all the needless yelling I did at the time (memories made :) how sweet)
27. Remembering the one time that Texas had a White Christmas and record-breaking snowfall in February.
28. Finding something I had lost all hope on finding
29. Perfect length nails that won't break (thank you genetics!!)
30. Getting new colorful socks without asking for them

31. Saying something just before the radio or TV says it
32. The smell of freshly cleaned sheets
33. The perfect gift that I decided not to ask for because I didn't think I'd get it...and you got it anyway!
34. Realizing the cop going down the road isn't going after you (sometimes they make you paranoid...)
35. Eating cookie dough, brownie batter, or cake batter, even though the packages all say not to

36. Catching gas prices just before they go up
37. Swimming pools on a hot summer day (really, it's amazing)
38. Reading a book I love, even if I've already read it a million times
39. Snuggling under my blanket with my sock monkey
40. Going through some of my old things and remembering the events that went with them...nostalgia!

41. The scent of Vicks
42. Seeing an envelope for me in the mail...unless it's a credit card offer.
43. My medal board
44. Painting things, and writing things, and drawing things
45. My pillows, all of them, and the fact that they matched my comforter when I didn't plan that

46. Getting a lot of points on Words with Friends when I wasn't planning a word that would get a lot of points
47. Knowing something that I didn't think I knew
48. Laughing so hard that I can't even hear a sound
49. Going all the way through growing-small-town without hitting a red light (this almost never happens)
50. Singing very loudly in my car on the freeway, and having someone look at me like I'm nuts, which just inspires me to sing more loudly

51. Finally getting that huge knot out of my hair...granted, I probably ripped the hair out in the process...but it's a huge victory getting that knot out!! You have no idea!!
52. Finding my favorite TV shows just as they're coming on, or better yet, coming home and finding out my dad has them all on the DVR and turns them on during dinner for me.
53. Taking the perfect picture at the perfect time
54. Plugging in my phone or computer just before it dies
55. Reaching a landmark (post 100, post 200, blogoversary, 100 followers, etc.)

56. Finding that nice, empty, comfortable space in traffic, where I'm not being tailgated, and I don't have to tailgate the person in front of me to prevent being tailgated
57. Ordering food special so that I know it's fresh when the person serves it to me
58. Two words: Batteries included.
59. Riding my bike really fast down a steep hill (given that I don't have to ride my bike up the hill to get there, or back up the hill later...lol)
60. Roller coasters...especially when the lights come on at night! It's really awesome...And when the wind is blowing? Ahh. It was really great when my hair was long and I'd take it down on the coaster and the person behind me would get a face full of hair...I mean...oops. I would never do that. I'm too nice. *whistle*

61. The appearance of everything underwater...how everything is all distorted and funky looking
62. Making it out of somewhere just before all the crowds amass...I really don't like crowds, so knowing that I made it out before the crowds is really comforting.
63. That shocked face people make when they see how fast I can type, and then when they ask me how fast I type and I *honestly and sincerely* tell them I don't know...because I honestly and sincerely don't. But it's pretty fast.
64. Seeing someone drive by me really fast on the highway, telling them "go get those cops"....and seeing them pulled over 2 miles later.
65. A clean room (not that I've seen one in a while *sigh*)

66. Taking my hair down at the end of the day and just brushing it
67. Doing math with the numbers in the time...like 12:36 (12 x 3 = 36....I overthink things, I know)
68. Knowing where everything is when I go somewhere, while other people are searching and looking lost...so I can get in and out, while others are still looking for someone to help them....
69. Putting a spam account on certain things where I know I'll be getting spam emails and never checking the spam account because I know I don't want to check the spam...
70. Seeing someone I haven't seen in a long time unexpectedly and catching up with them

71. Learning a new keyboard shortcut (it seems I learn new ones almost every day, but I can never remember them on command, just when I need them)
72. Holding and playing with my baby cousin...she's so cute!! I love babies, I just don't think I'm prepared for one of my own....or ever will be.
73. Being the weird one that keeps my food separate- I may be different, but it makes for...if not interesting, at least *some* dinner conversation.
74. When the dog comes and visits me in my room, which he hardly ever does (which is what makes it so special)
75. Having the whole morning to stretch and wake up, and not having to worry about being somewhere at a certain time (although having something to do with my life would be nice)

76. Having a meaning to life, rather than just waking up every day to the monotony that is after-college jobless without-a-license whatever I'm in right now (I once had it...so I can add it to this list)
77. I found the license plate that was pressed right after mine- identical except it ends in 072, mine ends in 071. Yesssss I paid attention enough to notice that...I'm weird like that.
78. Perfectly. Parallel. Parking. So perfect that I took pictures. My dad claims I photoshopped them, but I didn't, I actually did the perfect parallel park, and I've never done it before. Ever. I take that back, I tried once, but it was an epic fail, making this much more of an EPIC WIN.
79. Being late, but realizing I'm actually the first one there, so nobody will know that I'm late anyway, bahaha
80. Taking shoes off without untying them. Who unties their shoes anymore? Didn't think so...

81. Other accents than my own. Admittedly, my own accent sucks. Australian accents are my favorite.
82. Blog hops...wait, let me finish...that are communicative, and on blogs that actually type something up other than giveaways or coupons. I mean, I really dislike the necessary follow on a blog that only does giveaways and coupons, and the giveaways are on stuff I don't need (Diapers? Childrens clothing? No thank you). I still participate in hopes of finding other blogs I do like, because there are some out there that also participate in these hops. I visit the linkys, and I leave more than a "HI, I'm Ashley, visit my website and follow back!"...ok, I must move on.
83. Good comments. They make me melt. I've had some make me cry in public. One at the dentist.
84. Sock monkey. I love my sock monkey.
85. My little sister. I love my little sister so much, and I don't think she realizes how much. I don't think she ever will, no matter how much I say it.

86. Being able to breathe through my nose (it's really amazing when I haven't been able to breathe through my nose for a while)
87. Typing by lamplight (it's much more epic than typing by regular light)
88. Boxes. I don't know what it is about boxes, but I love boxes.
89. Putting stickers on things. I love putting stickers on things, and tape too. Duct tape especially, it's my favorite.
90. Making things of your own...being creative. Artsy. I'm not real artsy, but I love creating my own things.

91. QT drinks. One who has not been to QT can not understand the epic greatness of QT and their fountain drinks, especially when you mix and create your own great flavors like I have (blue raspberry vanilla Diet Pepsi anyone? It sounds disgusting, but it actually tastes great)
92. Mousse. It's so puffy and fluffy and doesn't make my hair sticky and gross like hairspray, and doesn't make it as stiff as gel does.
93. Being almost done with something
94. Having more than one idea in the same night
95. Figuring something out that I haven't been able to figure out for a while

96. Planning posts
97. Having a ton of tabs open and being able to keep track of all of them & knowing that I'm using them all (none of them are going to waste!)
98. Having the nerve to call people out on something when they need to be called out on, and being able to do it without being nervous or upset
99. Knowing that even though I had a lot of obstacles, I was able to accomplish more than I ever thought I would accomplish because I persevered, even when I was told I would fail, even when I went through some really rough times and had everything standing against me.
100. Having my whole future ahead of me, and not knowing what it holds, because it could hold anything for me, which means it could be something great

25 Things About Me
1. I'm a freak of nature- I was born without tonsils. Then again, I'm thankful, because I never have to have a tonsillectomy. =)
2. Everyone else believes in me more than I do. A rock believes in me more than I do. That's how much I believe in myself. Nevertheless, I carry on as though I believe in myself.
3. I actually liked my job at Big Circle Box Retailer. I didn't love it, but I liked it enough that I would go back if given the opportunity and I had nowhere else to go. I've applied to go back.
4. I don't really like lollipops or hard candy that much, except blueberry dum-dum pops.
5. I've never been kissed...willingly. Unwillingly, yes; willingly, no.

6. I hate seafood, but I love Red Lobster.
7. I sleep with my sock monkey every night. It's probably the only thing I'll ever sleep with.
8. I have an obsession with the color blue.
9. I didn't really want to go to UTA. I wanted to go to Baylor. I was accepted at Baylor. I had a scholarship at Baylor, but I still couldn't afford it. UTA was my second choice. I only went there because we didn't have the money for me to move out.
10. I liked Killeen, until we moved away. When I went back, I didn't like it. I still don't like where I live now. This leaves me with inner conflict because I don't know where I like.

11. It's medication that made me gain all my weight.
12. I do guest blogs but I don't post them on my blog.
13. I like that I can still wear children's sized shoes, because they're much cheaper usually
14. I have a board full of medals that I will one day share- here's an idea of what's on there-

• Class of 2005 Salutatorian
• 2005 UIL State Social Studies Team Champions
• 2005 UIL Regional Spelling Team Runners-Up
• 2005 UIL Regional Spelling Individual 5th Place
• 2005 UIL Regional Social Studies Team Champions
• 2005 UIL District Social Studies Team Champions
• 2005 UIL District Spelling Team Champions
• 2005 UIL District Spelling Individual 3rd Place
• 2005 UIL Choir Solo/Ensemble Division I Solo- District
• 2005 UIL Choir Solo/Ensemble Division II Solo- State
• 2004 North Texas Colorguard Association State Champions Division AA
• Academic Medals awarded by teacher for AP Calculus, Pre-AP Spanish II, Pre-AP World History, AP Chemistry
• Texas Scholar- i.e. I graduated. Seems dim after the others....

15. 2005 was a really good year for me (see statement 14) and I spent most of the months of April and May away from home, which was refreshing. 

16. I love Chicken Soup for the Soul books. I don't know why. I even love the stories in the ones not relevant to me. For example, Chicken Soup for the Working Mother. Completely not for me, but I'd probably love it. 

17. I have a strange fascination with numbers and facts, and often get called names for it...such as Wikipedia or Webster. 

18. I literally stapled my finger today. Stapled the staple directly into my finger. Not thinking, pulled it directly out. I hope nothing is wrong.

19. I duct taped a box purple tonight. No lie. Purple from top to bottom. Using my time wisely. 

20. I talked to someone about getting a job at a place I discovered was hiring. They told me I was overqualified and needed to find something that more suited my needs and degree. >.>

21. I was in colorguard for 2 years, co-captain for 1 year, yet I can't even spin a rifle now. I can do drop spins with a flag, and that's about it.

22. I'm addicted to Cherry 7Up, and I don't know why. At least it's caffeine free, so I can drink it at night too.

23. I don't get along very well with my parents. 

24. I'm not registered to vote. In a county like mine, if I'm not gonna vote Republican, there's no point in registering. I can shout any other party until the cows come home, but the GOP will still win in this city/county/etc. My voice means nothing here. So why register? To spend my time at the voting booths casting a vote that will be one of the few non-Republican? I'm not a Dem, but I'm not a GOP either. Face it, there's no point in an area that's so strongly GOP. 

25. I love denim. Denim jackets, denim skirts (this may be the one way to get me to wear a skirt), denim tops, denim vests, denim shorts, denim pants, I love denim.

25 Things I want to happen in the future

1. I want to get my license (of course!)

2. I want someone to love me for who I am

3. I want someone to finally believe that this is not something that I created myself, that what I'm saying is real.

4. I want my expenses taken care of

5. I want to live comfortably- but not necessarily in luxury

6. I want to see my sister get married

7. I want my sister to go to college and be successful in a career

8. I want to get my own place, somewhere near the city, but not in the city

9. I want the stuff that's been plaguing my life and negatively impacting me to go away (if you know me, you know what I mean by this)

10. I want to be self-sufficient

11. I want people to care about what I have to say

12. I want to see my brother be successful in a career/graduate from college

13. I want to narrow my stuff down to the things I really need, instead of everything I think I'm emotionally attached to

14. I want to go to graduate school

15. I want to find a way to set up or participate in the kind of business that I've been thinking about, with the hours and whatnot, because I know what life can be like for certain populations, and there are certain things I want to address

16. I want to visit Australia

17. I want to meet all my bloggy and Twitter friends, and explore more of the world

18. I want to do a lot of things, without worrying what my parents might think (including writing stuff like this)

19. I want to learn German and become fluent in the language.

20. I want to make an entire blog of awesome and inspiring quotes that are compiled from other places

21. I want to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day, rather than dreading it

22. I want to have a purpose

23. I want to have a social life, outside of the computer, and yes, I know that requires going out---and

24. I want to feel more comfortable going out, but most importantly:

25. I want to help as many people as I can to reach their full potential, because I know there is plenty opportunity out there, I just have to find it.

25 Things I've Done This Month

I had to challenge myself with this one....

1. I moved all the stuff out of my room so that the floor guys could recarpet

2. I moved all the stuff back into my room after the carpet was installed

3. I visited with my brother some on a few of his lunch breaks from work, when he came to the house to eat

4. I finished my undergraduate degree

5. I aced my final paper and my psychology final

6. I wrapped up all my appointments at the university and settled all my debts

7. I picked up medications at the pharmacy

8. I taped a shoebox purple

9. I stapled a finger

10. I went to a high school football game--the home team...EPIC FAIL

11. I had a shelf fall on my arm and I had a bruise for a bit

12. I had my blogoversary and wrote a blog/came up with a blog hop in celebration of my blogoversary

13. I went swimming

14. I talked on twitter....a lot

15. I created my facebook page and acquired a lot of fans

16. I participated in a 30 day challenge

17. I slept in...a lot. 

18. I stayed in bed a few days when feeling under the weather, because when I stood up or sat up, I felt dizzy.

19. I found my salutatorian speech from high school...and thought about posting it here...but decided against it.

20. I rearranged my room

21. I visited with a former teacher of mine, who also happens to be my sister's current teacher...poor Corky

22. I traumatized the dog by calling him onto my bed knowing that it was higher than the old one...

23. I faceplanted in the parking lot on one of my last few days of class

24. I bought headphones, after waiting a few months to get some

25. I decided to be proactive about losing weight, and I've lost a lot.

25 Things Which I Want to Happen This Month

1. I want to get a job, whether it requires a license or not

2. I want my ring to arrive in the mail

3. I want my mom to have a happy birthday

4. I want my blog hop to go over well

5. I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job

6. I want to finish a few books

7. I want to finish clearing the "stuff" that is left from moving everything out to the garage for the carpet guys

8. I want to continue growing as a blogger

9. I want this sinus crap to go away

10. I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job

11. I want my meeting with Dr. B to go well on Friday

12. I want to lose a little more weight...a little at a time

13. I want to apply for graduate school, to see what else it is I need to do to get in

14. If I don't get a job, I want to volunteer at the Mental Health Association again

15 I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job

16. I want to find a doctor that will work with me

17. I want to find a way to fill my calendar...it's kind of blank right now.

18. I want Texas to get some rain somehow...it's way too dry. I also want the fires to go away...related, so it goes under this category.

19. I want to adjust my sleeping schedule so that it's more normal

20. I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job

21. I want to write about RUOK Day in Australia (in fact, I plan to, later this week)

22. I want to listen to a lot of music....and find some new songs. I've been having trouble getting Adele's "Someone Like You" and it's frustrating me. Argh. 

23. I want to limit my spending...significantly. I don't really want to be spending at all, I have no reason to spend. 

24. I want to be open and honest

25. Most of all.....I WANT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!

And if you got this far, I commend you, because a lot of people will stop reading about halfway through, I bet. I doubt anyone will make it this far. *whistle*. If you do, let me know in my comments down there ↓↓ where it usually is! 

I've made it to 200 posts....holy cow. 

Under Pressure

I feel the pressure. I may not look or act like it, but I'm under a lot of pressure right now, and I feel it.

The headaches, I believe, are something nose/sinus related. Ugh. I hope they go soon.

Back to the pressure. Undue, probably- it's my own doing. You see, the state timeline says in about four to six weeks after receiving your application, they contact you about sitting for the licensing exam. According to my bank account, they withdrew the money about four weeks ago, which means that's when they received my application. I'm in that window. Under those circumstances, that means they should be contacting me any day now about sitting for my licensing exam.

Under those circumstances, I'm placing myself under a lot of pressure, because that means the next step is the actual exam. The one where I answer the questions and whatnot. Under those circumstances, if they don't call me back, I might need to worry, because that means they might be not approving me for the license. Under those circumstances...um.

Undetermined outcome. Undesired outcome? Unsure of what might happen. Under-informed on what actually happens at this stage of licensure. Unusual to be this tense about what might happen? I'm nervous, very nervous. It doesn't help that my sleeping patterns are out of whack and that my head is killing me because of a probably nose/sinus related thingamabob that has my head feeling like an inflated balloon.

Uninformed that thingamabob is actually a word, according to Chrome, but licensure, which actually is a word, is underlined according to spell check. I'm appalled that Chrome is so misinformed about the English language. Google, where do you get your information? I would Google it, but that would be a redundant task and likely wouldn't give me any answers as to why thingamabob is considered a word, when it is slang, while licensure is not a word. *smh* Google, *smh*.

Thirty Three and a Traumatized Dog

Day 2: Where you'd like to be in ten years

Well, in ten years, I'd certainly like to be far past where I am right now. I'll be thirty-three (that one, I have no choice in the matter). I'd like to be finished with my Masters' degree, and have my license and a stable career. Of course, since I don't see myself with anyone, I'm not particular about where I'd live- perhaps a nice small place in suburbia- I actually quite like suburbia. It's not so far away from town that you are completely isolated from everything, but it's not at the core of everything, where there's constantly hustle and bustle, and you never get to rest.

That, really, sums up where I'd like to be in ten years.

Our poor dog got traumatised today, and it's partially my fault...poor thing.

You see, every once in a while, he'll get in the habit of coming into my room and jumping onto my bed. Typically, he doesn't jump on furniture, so this is unusual. He's never been the type to jump on furniture much- which is good, because he's a big dog.

Well, today my parents got me a new mattress (the other was probably older than I am....it was about time for it to retire). I'm quite pleased with it. Goober (the dog), on the other hand...well, not so much. He sized my room up, knowing something was different, when he came in, but nevertheless gave a running leap at my bed. He didn't realise that it sits about a half foot higher than it did before...and he landed square in the middle of his chest, with this face that...I don't know how to describe. It was funny and pitiful all at the same time.

He turned tail and ran out of my room. I tried to call him back, and I was going to sit on the floor with him, but when he turned the corner and saw my bed again, he turned around and ran. He hasn't come back this direction since then. I think I traumatised him, and I feel awful about it...but I can't help but laugh at the pitiful face he made when he landed, paws flailed to the sides, halfway on the bed. Is it bad that I wish I had a camera to catch the face he made at that moment?

Hopefully, someday, he'll overcome his fear and be able to once again brave coming into my room to see me on occasion....it'll be difficult to adjust to, poor thing. I keep finding myself trying to sit on the lower bed, so it's unusual for me too, but I'm not having any trauma from it...but I also didn't land like he did. I also didn't end up the subject of a blog because of my facial expression after landing on the bed. As a memory, I'll add a picture of him on my old bed, after my initial shock of seeing him, the first time he ever came in my room, also the first time I ever saw him jump on a piece of furniture.

Blogoversary- Giving Back

If you've been keeping up, you know that today, 4th September 2011, is my 1st blogoversary!!

I'm delighted (and surprised) to have made it as far as I have, with as much success as I have had, especially in the past few months. I started out my endeavor small, although I'm still really not all that big. To this day I bring in fewer than 200 people, some of them just dropping in, but as a blogoversary thing, I've checked on some stats recently:

In September of 2010, I brought in a total of 183 views, and December 187. Those were my highest traffic months, the only ones more than 80, until April 2011. Just yesterday I brought in 105, and the day before 189. My followers? Most of them have started following me since June & July. I've also set up a Facebook fan page- almost 50 likes already. I'm tickled! Numbers, numbers, that's not all that matters, though.

Before March there were absolutely no comments- content or not. I was writing simply because. I cared about my numbers, but I didn't know if people were reading. Since then, I've gotten 362 comments- yes, I've gotten some of the spammy ones, but I've gotten a lot that have content too. Some have made me laugh, some have made me cry. That people care, and leave comments with content that can evoke emotion...it's really nice.

I've also been more engaged on Twitter since my blog has been more engaged. Through my blog and through Twitter I've met more people that I never would have met otherwise- after all, they do live overseas, or out-of-state. I love having conversations with them. Some of them are the best friends I have.

But that's enough of that, right? Blogoversary- It's more of a type of birthday, but for a blog. But my blog doesn't want any type of gift...rather, it wants people to give back. Read on to see what I mean.

As part of my "blogoversary" one of the things I want to do is start a blog hop of my own. I know we all see blog hops, and one of the things about the blog hops that I see here in the US is that they tend to be "giveaway" related, or that you are "required" to visit about a billion other blogs, even those that link up after you, meaning you have to keep visiting the hop repeatedly after you link up until you've visited enough people to meet the requirement...a bit tedious? They also require that you follow the host, and the host tends to be a giveaway or coupon blogger, who only posts giveaway or coupon blogs...which clogs up the feeds...my feed has been clogged with giveaways and coupons for goodness knows how long. I attend them because I like finding new blogs. Sometimes I happen to find new blogs that I like there, by chance, so I continue to link up in hopes of finding blogs I like.

Well, it's high time I start one of my own...

Seeing as I'm all about doing things for other people, and helping people out, this is my idea-

I want you to do one good thing for someone, no matter how small- hold a door, lend a dollar, fix a meal, talk to someone who looks like they need a friend, help unpack a box, write a letter, donate some clothes that you haven't worn that are still in good condition, anything you can think of, and write about it. Each week, after you've done something little, write about it- what you did, and what came out of it- if you don't know, then write that, because sometimes you don't know- and link it up to the hop. We'll each be able to see the good things that someone else did, and even if you didn't do something, I'll encourage you to link up to a blog- because what matters is that we're making a connection. I would like everyone to do something little, and write about it, but I won't require it. I would like you to link up a blog about something small you did, but I won't require it. I will encourage you to visit someone else, but I won't require it.

In order to give people time to do something and write about it, I'll leave it open three days- American Monday to American Wedensday- that's Aussie Tuesday to Aussie Thursday- and like I said, even if you don't have a chance to do something every week, you can still link up. I will say that even doing something with or for your family members does count- spending a day out with the kids counts, for example.

The idea of this, really, is to do something that makes someone else feel good, or that helps them out. If you didn't know already, that's something that I'm really enthusiastic about. Just the effort is really important to me, because I know that not every effort is going to be successful, but trying is what really counts. I also know that not everyone has a lot of spare time to do something like this, but I would like to encourage it. Therefore, I'm not making it a requirement, just a request. I will probably debut the hop not this week, but next week- just to get some ideas and feedback on it- after all, it is a new-ish idea. I'm open to what people have to say.

I'd like this to be a way not only for people to be introduced to other people's blogs, but also for people to see what others are doing. All small things make a difference.

~"Nobody can do everything, but everyone can do something." -Author Unknown
~"Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you." -Mother Teresa
~"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." -Mahatma Gandhi
~"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back." -Maya Angelou

Darkness: The Fight

This is my fourth "Write on Wednesday" post.

I've found the others less personal, more fictional, but this one is a story from my life- it's all about being honest, telling a 100% truth, but I don't have to tell everything.

One thing I've found about my story--well, many of my stories--is that there are elements of "me" that are always secret. Truth be told, the truth is always told, but there are some secrets- we all have secrets. What's made part of everything such a fight for me, though, lies within my secrets, the demons that haunt me, and the trouble with writing this exercise, the 100% truth, is that I might find myself slipping into the things that I may not want to share, or that may not be easy to share. It's not so much a thing of openness, as a thing of security and worry about how it will affect my future. However, it may be healthy to air it a little and see how it feels. I've opened up on other forums- time to open up slightly here.

The darkness is encapsulating. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. In the years before, I've been able to hide in it well, pretend it's not there, and nobody would notice. Family, "friends," schoolmates, most of my former coworkers, they were all oblivious to the darkness that surrounded me and the fight that I fought, or if not, they asked nothing of it. In my teen years, it was less encapsulating, easier to hide. I could put a curtain around it, a façade of sorts, and nobody would know. In college, I would talk about it, but nobody would believe it- after all, I seemed so well for so long, why would it all of the sudden change?

These days, though, it is not as easy. Life has become more of a challenge in itself. As I push myself harder, fight harder, the darkness is becoming deeper. I want out of this darkness; I can no longer hide it, but I have found that in the time I spent hiding it, it's become so much deeper, it's extended to a depth that I can't escape, I'm holding on but I can't fight and hold on at the same time. I want to do this on my own, I don't want anyone to know, but I can't. There's nowhere to escape, nowhere to hide, nothing to put in front of this darkness to make it go away or make it smaller. It has become bigger than I am, and in itself, taken over my life.

To someone on the outside, it's hard to see or understand the darkness or the reason for it. I should be happy, by all means. I have nothing to be unhappy about. You're right. I have a family. I have a home. I have food, and I have clothing. I went to, and graduated from, a major university. I have all the things a person could want, and then some. Plenty of books, a nice room decorated the way I want it, a personal laptop, a nice smartphone, my sock monkey, a sister whom I love to death, my physical health (not perfect, but close enough), no huge personal losses...what is there to be unhappy about? Where does the darkness come from?

I don't know where the darkness comes from. It's something I can't explain. It'll leave me crying at unexplained times, and it left me fighting my way through college. I fight the darkness every time I have to go somewhere, every time I have to do something when I am feeling the darkness weigh down on me. I wake up to face the day and all I want to do is close my eyes again and forget, stop fighting, let the darkness take over and consume me; it's what I've wanted for so many years, but I continue to fight.

Nevertheless, I carry on with the darkness, no matter how much it's weighing on me, and I try not to let it affect me. I've done well at carrying it through everything, and even getting a degree with the darkness inches from me. In the end of my college days, I even started pulling my grades up, finishing the last 2 years with more As than I saw in my first 4 years. It's a rough fight, an endless fight, and even more so fighting alone. In college, I found a way to get someone to fight with me, but now, I'm on my own. It's an uphill battle.

One thing, one last thing that I must share- the darkness is the reason I fight. If it were not for the darkness, I would not know what I am fighting for, and I may not be where I am today. The darkness gives me a reason to fight, and it helps me to fight. It helps me to know about the people I am fighting for, and it pushes me to fight harder. I know what it's like to fight this fight. I know what it's like to be in the darkness, and I fight it every day. To know that the fight I go through every day could save someone's life? That is something that makes the fight even more worthwhile. I don't enjoy the darkness, not a bit, but I know that the darkness has taught me a lesson that can used to help someone else, and has given me more strength and taught me more than any textbook or professor could. I'm not thankful for the darkness, but I'm thankful for the insights and perspective it's added to my life. It's made me a better person, and it's given me direction. Most of all, even though I have to fight through the darkness to get there, it's given me something to fight for.

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 12 - The Fight. You have to be honest, because without honesty, your work won't speak to people. You have to be fearless, because restraint in writing can be perceived. But that doesn't mean that you have to bare your entire soul. Choose what you want to share, choose what is relevant to your story. But make sure that what you choose to share is real, and true. The exercise today is to write a story from your life. And remember: it has to be 100% true, but it doesn't have to be 100% of the truth. There's a difference. The keywords are: The Fight

Day 30: To Infinity and Beyond!

Day 30: A dream for the future beyond next year...think long term

I've known this one for a very, very long time. I've written about it many times. Some people are probably sick of hearing about it, so this will be very brief. This is the final day of "30 Days About Me," appropriately asking about what will happen beyond here. I know I've missed some days- I've had a few people say they want to participate, and I don't have the comprehensive list on my blog, but if you want all the prompts to do a 30 days about yourself, you can find the list linked here, and although you won't be able to link up to the posts for the month of August, it'll give you the opportunity to participate in a 30 day writing thingy.

On to my dream for the future.

1) I want to see Germany, Austria, other parts of Europe like London, Paris, and maybe other places like Norway, Iceland, but the main place that I would absolutely love to go, if I ever had the chance, would be Australia. I'd also like to see some parts of South America, Canada, the Caribbean, (not Central America though), maybe the country South Africa. Not an exhaustive list, but the highlights.

2) I want to have a nice place of my own, not necessarily with a family- however, if I do ever have kids, they would probably be adopted- heaven forbid if they end up with my genes. I don't want kids like me. They wouldn't be very happy, and they'd have a lot to worry about.

3) Learn German. I'd love to become fluent, but that, I know, is rough after the teenage years because of brain plasticity. However, if it can happen, I would love it.

4) I want to pay off all my debts and still be able to afford to live comfortably. Being a social worker, I know that's gonna be rough. I'll have to work it out somehow. I'll probably end up working two jobs anyway, because I don't like downtime.

5) Move away from Texas. I know it's where I live and all, but it's not where I want to live forever. I'd also like to travel the country before settling down, and see all the sights that there are to see, in every state. Road trip, anyone?

6) Feel better....for good. Not just avoid bad days- I know they happen...but avoid the depression. There's a difference.

7) Find someone who cares about me genuinely. I doubt this will happen, but it is a dream of mine. I don't believe that everyone has a soulmate- really, I don't.

8) Now that there are 7, I have to reach 10, so I need a few more. Let's see. I would love to see both my brother and sister graduate from college, even though my brother is currently no longer attending college. I'd love to see them get married (my brother is on his way there) and have families of their own, and have happy lives themselves.

9) I'd like to find a niche. A place I belong. Somewhere I can feel comfortable and be myself. A place where I know I'm accepted, and where I don't feel I have to bend backwards to be someone else, or wear a mask or façade to fit in. Friends and everything will be there.

10) I'd love to meet all my bloggy friends. That means all the ones from all the corners of the world- readers and bloggers alike. I want to know who it is that likes what I'm writing, as well as the ones that I'm reading. I want to meet them all!!

THIS IS PERHAPS THE BIGGEST DREAM OF MY ENTIRE LIFE:::::
My dream, my biggest dream, is that I will become a LMSW. For those of you not educated in the lingo of Social Work, that means a Licensed Masters' of Social Work. This would require a second degree- probably about 2 extra years of schooling, which I hope to complete at UT Arlington- and further licensing.

This is my goal for the future. To help as many people as I possibly can. I know I can't help everyone, but I can at least make a difference with the ones I can reach. Each one that I can help makes a difference. That's what counts.

Day 13: Eye Opening

Day 13: Something or someone that has had a huge impact on my life

Without a doubt, that something would be an entity, a group of people I suppose, or I guess you could just say the profession, social work.

For a long time, I didn't know what I was doing. When I started college, and for a long time before, I had no idea where I was going with my life. I had a lot of troubles, which I really won't go into, and I kind of floated around trying to find my place. It didn't really work all that well for me, and I didn't ever find anything that really suited me that well. I wasn't happy with it, and, truth be told, a lot of things leading up to my "epiphany," if you will, probably made things worse.

In late 2006, I decided I was going to go the psychology route at the university, since that had been one of my favorite freshman classes. I had already taken a lot of the prerequisite courses, but in order to take higher level courses as a psychology major, I had to take a Research, Design, and Statistics course, part one and two. I took the first part, and kicked ass in the course, but my other courses suffered.

During the second part, in early 2007, I started having a lot of problems, and my grade reflected that. I had a (unavoidable) stint away from classes, which forced a lot of my grades down, including Research, Design, and Stats II. I never really liked the stats part anyway, but I was doing it because psychology was what I wanted.

After a rough semester, I pretty much stumbled my way to failure, and, when it all came to a close, we had to do some work to get things set straight. When I went to the academic advisor about the fall term, we had a talk about what went right and wrong, and I told her about what I liked and what I didn't. She then advised me, surprisingly, to go to the social work advisor and see if I liked the course of study there. They did a referral...what? I didn't know. I was stunned.

I did it. I took the intro course that fall, and I was stoked. I made my first A in a very long time. Things started to pick up for me. I felt a little better. I took more courses, and continued to make As in them. Not only was it giving me a higher GPA, which I so desperately needed, but it was boosting my self esteem, because I found something I was actually capable of doing well, learning, and succeeding, as well as something that would end up being my major.

I learned a lot of things about myself through social work, and a lot about coping skills, and through learning how to help other people, I also learned things I could do to help myself! *not a part of the degree plan, but definitely a positive side effect*

In the fall of 2009, I officially sent in the letter of application to declare a major in social work, and was accepted! For someone who, not too long before, had no idea where they were going, this was a huge step. Not only that, but I was making huge life changes. My attitude and functioning overall were drastically changed. People who take a look at my transcript, they can tell you that there's a major difference in my grades, a major transformation and improvement.

I look at the world differently. I look at myself differently. I have better coping, studying, self-awareness, communication, presentation, writing, and many other skills. Had it not been for social work, and that psychology advisor that told me I should check it out, I may not be finished with school yet. I may have still been fishing around. I may not have the knowledge and skills I've acquired by default from the classes I've taken. Self-regulation would be different. My attitude and communication would be different. I might not feel as capable because I wouldn't have the degree. I wouldn't have had the experience that my internship gave me, including the harsh lessons that I eventually learned...although harsh, they were, nevertheless, lessons learned.

Social work, as a whole, has had such a huge effect on my life that I just can't emphasize it enough. Even though I don't have a job, it does teach a lot of skills that can be applied anywhere, skills that you might not learn other places. The degree and the field is so versatile and has so many applications, and the scope of study so wide, that you learn so much. I love it. I hated some of the classes (note: very few, mostly those dealing with research and statistics...actually, just research and statistics), but in them, I learned a lot more than I thought I could.

Now, it will be a part of the rest of my life, as I wait for my license and a job. I want to go to grad school, too, for my masters' degree. In 2007, I never would have seen myself in graduate school. Now it's just something that I'm waiting for funds in order to achieve it. My job? It will be in social work. Yes, social work is a major part of my life.

So, has it had a huge impact on my life? Absolutely, and it will continue to do so. Thank you, social work, for showing me so many things I never knew, and for leading me through university and to a career that I'll enjoy.

Things I Know- Transition Edition

As many of you probably already know, and have been hearing about for months on end, I finished the last of my courses today. Of course, the world has a lovely way of flipping me the bird on really important days, and laughing at me by coming up with the worst possible punishments, making me stress out more than I probably should, and it seems like everything goes wrong, but in the end, things somehow turn out, for the most part, OK. Today did. Thankfully. I don't know my grades yet, but I've finished everything. So, for the future, these are the things I know that I'll be using....

I know I (now) have a college education, but that doesn't mean I know everything

I know that I can finish things

I know that I have the capability to do what I want, if I put my mind to it

I know that, in three months, I might have my license

I know that all things take time

I know that I've got a long road ahead of me

I know that life won't be easy just because I have a piece of paper

I know that I still will have to work for things, they won't be handed to me

I know I still have responsibilities, even in the down time when I don't have a job or license

I know that I'll eventually have a job, but it may not be the exact one I want

I know that not all things in life are easily obtained (i.e. degrees)

I know that I will have to continue to learn and gain insight (well, that and I would have to in order to keep a license if I get one, anyway)

I know that I love social work

I know I kind of wrote it last minute, but I had a lot to do in prep for finals and writing a paper, so I hope that kind of waives my writing in advance duties. I did write other stuff though...so maybe I should have included this? No, I think this is better that I did it after instead of before. I like that I'm doing it now. After the fact.

Thanks for tuning in for "Things I know- Transition Edition"

Next week, I will probably be dying from boredom, anhedonia, and a week of résume writing, checking, application writing, job hunting, etc. I may be a bit cynical. =/

Day 8: Prioritize

Day 8- Something I Hate...

This is difficult for me. There's not a whole lot that I absolutely hate. There are things that bother me sometimes, but hate? That's really extreme for me. I don't know...maybe it's just that I don't want to say I "hate" something, it sounds so unpleasant and nasty to me.

Things that aren't prioritized appropriately?

I guess...let's start with university parking, which, at least for a while, will thankfully be over for me after this week, because I will have my degree! If I go back for my masters' degree...but that's another story...I'll just have to deal with the Social Work Complex parking.

Some schools have really expensive parking, some are cheaper. University of Texas at Arlington isn't the worst, but I wouldn't rank their parking as great. $120 a parking sticker- up from $90 when I started as a freshman- and you get to park- and I calculated- 3/4 of a mile from the building you're going to. That's if you're going to one of the closest buildings. If you're going to one of the inner buildings, it could be more than a mile.

To make it even better, they're destroying student lots one by one, and moving them farther away from campus. They're adding faculty lots closer. They're building a parking garage- way on the outer edge of campus- that's supposed to alleviate parking problems. Yes, so everyone can park on the outer edge of campus, in a fancy garage that will probably cost more than what they're already paying. They destroyed 3 lots for an engineering building. They destroyed 4 more lots for a new special events center. They already have 2 engineering buildings and a special events center.

Meanwhile, the School of Social Work is the old early-20th century Arlington High School, 3 stories, not a lot of classrooms, and they're all very small. Don't plan on having a class more than 20 or so in any of those rooms. Sometimes social work classes get delegated to other buildings because they just don't fit. So instead of another engineering building, why don't they build an actual social work building?

I guess a better description of my "hate" would be the way that the funds I pay to the university are being used. They're more beneficial to all the other students. My benefits aren't much at all. They even closed the social work computer lab- it was using too much energy. Social work now has 1 printer and 9 computers. I take that back, Building B has a printer, but you have to supply your own paper, and I think it has 4 computers. Amazing. Meanwhile, the engineering complex completely overshadows the social work building, and they even built a corner...thing. Just a thing. Serves no purpose. Probably cost a lot of money. Just to look pretty. On the corner. All the engineering students are using our lot. They got a new building, and a ton of money spent for their fancy building, while we got our computer lab shut down.

Just goes to show where everyone's priorities are. It's ok though, because I don't want to be the priority. I don't deserve any entitlement. We do fine with what we have. We're problem solvers, we work things out, and we make things work. It's all working. I love everything about the school of social work, even if it's not perfect. Well...ok, not everything (or everyone), but in general, I love it. That's why I want to go into the masters' program, when I can. Hopefully, that time will come soon. You know where I'll be? In the school of social work. There may be things that I dislike, but that's my place, and I don't care if it's an old school or a new school, it's the place where I learnt everything I needed to know. It may not be perfect, but it serves its purpose.

30 days- Life lessons

OK, so maybe I'm a little late in jumping on the bandwagon, but usually I am when it comes to these things. Usually, I find out when I see someone I follow participating, then I hunt down the person who is posting the prompts, and follow them. This time, it is 30 Days About Me, by A Daily Dose of Toni (I have a cousin named Toni :) lol)

So, I caught on when we got to day 5, but I didn't get a chance to post it. I'm gonna make up for lost time, and go back and post all of them (short and sweet, of course, to make it simple) up until today. August 1st doesn't have a prompt, so August 2nd is Day 1. Then I'll be caught up with the challenge. So, here goes. (I'll start with day 5, since it's most pertinent, then I'll do the backlog).

Day 5: Yay, I've made it to today, August 6 (remember, August 1 didn't have a prompt): Favourite Quote- It's a kind of long Dennis Leary quote that I included in one of my recent posts.

“Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.”

Now, some might say "how pessimistic!!" but it's real life we're talking about. Things happen, good and bad. Just when you think you're up, another obstacle comes along. That's how life works. Some have it worse than others. At the time I picked the quote, I was in one of those massive stroke, left side paralyzed, limping the streets kind of modes. Now I'm regaining the power to walk and talk. I like it because it really brings out the fact that we all stumble and fall and make mistakes, but we get back up, and that's part of life. Sometimes, life does suck, but then it gets better, only to get worse, only to get better again.

You never know what's coming next, and you never know when that bus will hit. Yes, you'll die eventually, perhaps by that city bus, but you never know when or where. It's uncertainty. It's the ups and downs of life. You will face obstacles. Things will be bad at one point or another. Life is not beautiful and perfect 100% of the time. This is not me being pessimistic, but realistic.

Second quote: "Never doubt that a small group of people can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has" -Margaret Mead

I see that one in the social work building every time I take the stairs on the one end of the building. Truly, every change starts with a small group of people. In our case, a small group of social workers. Together, we, as students and as licensed workers work to advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves, we go to bat for anyone and everyone that needs assistance, we will stand up for those who need a step up to get to a level playing field. An idea must start somewhere. From there, it must grow before it can change the world. No world change has just suddenly happened because of a mass global epiphany. No, it's always started with a small group of people

Last quote: "An expert in something was always at one time a beginner" -Source unknown

How true is that? Nobody walks out of their mother knowing how to walk and talk. Nobody starts college with the ability to counsel people, or to write a (powerful and effective) thesis. Nobody walks into kindergarten knowing calculus (unless they're some sort of child prodigy). People have to start somewhere. An expert had to learn to be that expert from somewhere. It didn't just fall out of the sky and hit them on the head, and it wasn't just genetically built into them. They began working on it, and they practiced, and they learnt, and they grew, and then they became an expert.

_________________________________________________________________

Day 1: Favourite song- I hate playing favourites, but currently, Hot Chelle Rae's "Tonight, Tonight" is my fave. It's like...look, I've had a lot of problems, I don't know if I'm gonna do really well, but I'm gonna party hard and do the best I can, even if I have to fake it. There are other older favourites, like "Scars" by Papa Roach, because it shows raw emotion, and the line "my weakness is that I care too much" (and boy, do I care too much). There's also the All American Rejects "Move Along" with the lyrics "When all you've got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know ya do, and even when your hope is gone move along, move along just to make it through"....heck, I know that sometimes, when hope is gone, that's hard to do. So many songs have meaningful parts that I really could write a whole post on song lyrics, and maybe one day I will. That's something to keep in mind.

Day 2: Favourite movie- do I have to pick one? I love humourous movies, I love scary movies, my favourite I guess, are ones that make you think. The most recent I liked were Insidious and Inception. I guess maybe they need to start with an I? Naw, just kidding about the last part. I'm not much of a movie buff, and I really hate picking favourites, but when it comes to movies, I either like or hate it.

Day 3: Favourite television show- hands down, Criminal Minds. I have a secret (not so much secret anymore) crush on Reid. He is so super intelligent, and up until the recent seasons, had the most awesome hair. He's everything I want. OK, after Criminal Minds comes The Big Bang Theory. Uh, more geeky people. LOL. I guess I'm attracted to them. I also like Law and Order SVU (more intelligent minds), and other shows where there are smart people. Definitely.

Day 4: Favourite Book- Dang, what's with all this favourite stuff? If I had to pick...it would be something Jodi Picoult...or "Elsewhere"....or "Her Lovely Bones"....or "Sharp Objects...or "The Time Traveller's Wife"....or "The Book Thief"...or I like too many books, lmao. I was a born reader. I've always been an avid reader, I devour books like they're food. They never last more than a day or two before I've read them cover to cover unless they're really bad writing.

And that's all I have for today (and it's a lot).

Deuces,

When I grow up...

When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? Did you want to be a firefighter? A policeman? Some of us are ambitious, and want to become a prince, a princess, a president, or a leader of a country. Kids are extremely ambitious in their endeavours, and I wonder when it is that we lose our ambition and reality hits us- we're not the spectacular supermen and women that we were brought up to believe that we were, we are just average joes that will be working office jobs. Given, some of us will be those spectacular people, but most of us don't live up to those dreams. Is that sad?

Not really. I think, given the circumstances, many of us wouldn't change where we are now for anything. I know that when I was a child, I aspired to be a teacher. I wanted it more than anything. In some aspects, I will be a teacher of sorts, but not the sort I wanted to be. I wanted to be a schoolteacher. I wanted to spread the kind of knowledge you learn in a schoolroom. Now I want to be a counselor, and that's the degree I'm working on, and I'm finishing part uno of that degree. Part deux soon to come, hopefully.

How many kids, though, know of the wide variety of occupations that are available out there for them to become? How many six year olds know that you can become a neurobiologist? How many know that you can be a social worker in a hospital and help with cancer patients? They have so much that they haven't experienced in their world, they just don't know all of the things they can do with their life. It gives them such limited ambition that when they get older, and they're asked what they want to be, they're at a loss. They're given a brochure with a list of all the things they can become when they enter college, and they wonder "what the heck is that???" (I remember these days)

Why do we teach children such simplicity for so long in life? Why do we keep such wonderful jobs so obscure from them for such a long time? Why don't we have middle schoolers learning about radiology? Have we ever thought about what skilled radiologists we could have if we started their professions earlier (with simpler terminology, of course, but at least learning the basics)? I think it's just an idea to toss out there. I think, had I known the scope of social work, and had I had the experience to explore professions earlier, rather than been thrown into the mix when I entered college, I might have had a better idea what I wanted to do at a much earlier time in my life. I might not have narrowed it to social work at the time, but I might have come closer sooner. They just don't give kids this opportunity, and this is unfortunate.

Part of it might be related to America's push to "teach to the test." Every year, students are forced to reach certain "benchmarks," if you will, that show that they are learning what they are supposed to. Of course, this doesn't teach them anything about life, just that they know how to answer the questions that are going to be on some big test at the end of the year every year. Where's the room for creativity? Kids are taught to want to be some sort of heroic person, when in reality, very few of them are going to have this status, most of them will live for their families, for love, for life. They don't teach this stuff in school.

There are a lot of us that kind of think, if I had known then what I know now....

Not necessarily wanting to change what we had done, but perhaps giving ourselves some insight on what we were getting ourselves into. I wish I could go back and give myself some insight. Perhaps I would have told myself that teaching wasn't going to be my thing. Perhaps I would have told myself that I knew there was more to what I was doing. Maybe I would remind myself how much I liked helping people, and nudge myself into something along those lines. Maybe I would have graduated faster.

Then again, I'm looking back and "could have" and "might have" situations. I have to live for where I am now. No, I'm not gonna be a teacher. I'm not going to write lesson plans, and I'm not going to decorate classrooms every year. I'm not going to smell the wonderful smell of new classroom supplies every August when new kids come in, and I won't be able to lean against the board and get chalk all over my outfit (or, more recently, dry erase marker). Know what? I'm okay with that. That's not what I want anymore. Sure, it's great, but it's not what I want. I would rather work with people and have the rare satisfaction of having someone walk out of an office feeling like I truly helped them through a situation. That is the feeling I live for now. And I wouldn't trade it. I don't want or need to look back.

I still wish they'd teach kids how much opportunity is out there at their fingertips, rather than generalizing jobs to make it easier for them to choose what they want to be. Alas, this is something I can't choose. This is what they'll do. Parents and teachers alike will ask students/children if they want to be president, a firefighter, a ballerina, a doctor, but never a social worker, a marine biologist, a neurosurgeon, or anything specific. When they get to college, it is then that they will decide. Until then, we have all these little police officers running around, princesses and soldiers.

Then, there are some that end up being something that nobody wants to ever be. There are those that become homeless, impoverished, and nobody wakes up one day and says "I think I'll become a heroine addict." It's just the truth of the world, and it happens. It's extremely unfortunate, but that's the way the world works. All the dreams that children have when they are young, very few of them actually end up following the path that they dream of following. Is it because we don't give them the tools? Is it because the paths are too difficult to follow? Is it because they are too general?

How many licks to the center of a tootsie roll pop? The world may never know....

Lost in Stereo(types)**

When I say "Canada" or "Alaska," what are some of the things that we first think of? Naturally, a lot of the people who don't live there will think of ice or snow. Even though I've never been there, and I know that they don't always have ice and snow, I know it's pretty damn cold up there compared to what it is here, typically.

When people think of Texas, and often other Southern states, they think of heavy, thick accents, horses, tumbleweeds (for Texas in particular), Country, and rednecks. Personally, this gets on my nerves. I know that is sort of a double standard, for me to associate Canada with cold, Aussies with awesome accents, Florida with people who aren't so swift***, Ohio with cheese (and The Blog O' Cheese really helped with that one....!! He's really one of my faves though =P He's awesome), but it's really difficult for me when people stereotype Texas.

It's also difficult for me when people stereotype things that aren't necessarily geographical, like physical or mental issues. People with physical limitations aren't always limited by them. People with mental problems aren't always depressed. People with either problem don't always see it as a problem, and sometimes they're the most functional and successful people in society. A lot of the most successful therapists and counselors have had drug addictions counselors, therapists, or some kind of other problem that a "normal" person would think of as a issue that would hold them back.

The thing is, these things are exactly what push these people push forward, push harder to succeed. The things that may have held me in a state of "oh no, I can't function" are exactly the things that have pushed me to succeed in obtaining a degree in the field of social work. A lot of the guys in the work that I do, they see the things I've said and done, and in the end, the ones that hang in there, some of them have said that they'd like to help others with addictions when they're able to get degrees in the future. Some of the people I work with have histories of their own, stories to tell. Everyone has something that they've overcome, but they don't let their problems define who they are. They let their success define who they are.

These stereotypes, they are a silly thing. We all get caught up in them, and we all get caught up in them at one time or another. People are expected to look, act, or speak a certain way. When people see me, they expect me to be younger than I really am, just because of my appearance. That's a stereotype. If you haven't seen me, you can look at my vlog here. Yes, I look and sound very young, and that's something I have to overcome on a day-to-day basis. I've lived in Texas most of my life. Do I sound Texan? Not really. To foreigners, I sound American. That's about as close as I usually get.

Sometimes, we let stereotypes set in and really define people, and sometimes, they let those stereotypes get to them. They finally start following those groups, and it's unfortunate when they get caught up in something like drugs, addiction, or crime, simply because of their appearance, neighborhood, or family. Somehow, that has to stop. I've seen far too many that are in treatment simply because they live in the wrong place, but they have nowhere else to go. Everyone that lives around them is in the drug culture, and it is really difficult to avoid. There are the types that get caught up in crime because that's the only way that they can afford to live; mom spends their food money elsewhere, and they've got too many kids in the family to go elsewhere. They got framed. They were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and they LOOKED guilty. Looked guilty? Really? It's really unfortunate.

When it comes to this, some of those silly stereotypes, like my accent, become secondary. how can we avoid these children growing up in the wrong environment get involved in a healthier environment, so as to avoid them being involved in any type of environment where they'd be associated with crime or drugs? This was part of one of my papers last year, and is related to an assignment this semester that I'm already brainstorming.

The point is, though, don't let a stereotype define who you are, and definitely don't let it define anyone else. I look much [edit]older YOUNGER (thank you mom for pointing this error out, I do not look older) than I really am. Even though I am about to complete a degree, I've had my own struggles, some of which people might think would keep a person from getting a degree. I'm not rich, despite my locality. I don't have a horse, and have never ridden one to my knowledge, despite living in Texas since 1994. I don't own boots or a hat, although I love my blue jeans. I lack a Texan drawl, and y'all is not a word that is spoken much in my language, unless I'm saying "I usually don't say that word." I'm far from skinny, but it's not from eating greasy hamburgers- aside from my mom's, which she doesn't make often, I cannot tell you the last time I had a hamburger, because it has been quite a while. I am not the stereotypical college student- I took 6 years instead of 4. I don't like iced tea or Dr. Pepper, or even coffee. In fact, I'm starting to have an aversion to soda in general, because none of it has carbonation, thanks to something that I'm taking. Hopefully, it'll help me to lose weight. I am an intern, but I do far more than paperwork. In fact, paperwork is one of the smaller parts of my job. I also love reading. Stereotypes? I don't fit most of them.

A few I do fit: I'm excited about graduation. My favorite color is blue. I like looking nice. I still have my parents, all my grandparents, a brother, and a sister, and live in a house. I'm shy, but I talk a lot when I get to know people. It's easier for me to talk to someone over the internet because I can't see them. I type pretty fast (typically 70-80 wpm, although sometimes it's as low as 60). This is a difficult task. It's hard to find the stereotypes I do fit. Stereotypes are difficult to place people in because they are very rarely true!

Next time you think about putting a person in a stereotype, stop to think about what you know about that stereotype, and instead, ask the person questions about themselves in general. People like to talk about themselves, not their stereotype. A person is themselves, not a product of those around them, and that is an important thing to remember when getting to know them.

Credit here

**This is a reference to the song "Lost in Stereo"
***I was born in Florida. Therefore, in applying this statement, I am also incriminating myself. I am in no way trying to offend anyone, and if I had no ties to Florida, and if I had not been born in Jacksonville, I would not be making that statement

Tidbits of it all

I'm in one of those moods where my brain is a little bit of everywhere today, you know?

We had a snake create a habitation in our garage recently. I was a little peeved, and afraid to walk in the garage for a few days. In fact, I wasn't comfortable for a few days, until I had been reassured with the gruesome story of his death, although I would rather not have heard the story. We also had the aircon go out on the side of the house where my room is at, making it like an oven in the triple digit Texas weather, but I survived, and spent most of my time away from home in air-conditioned areas. It is now fixed, and I am comfortable. Thank goodness!

So, I had some appointments at the university today before my first class of the summer semester. I ran into some really bad drivers. No, I did not literally run into them, although I somewhere, deep down, probably wish someone else ran into them, because they were kind of asshats. You know, the people that can't stand waiting in line, so they just jump out of line and drive around everyone else, whether it's safe or not? Both of them were driving Mercury Le Sabres.**

Afterward, I went to fill up on gas, since my gas gauge was kind of telling me it was time for some food. There was this creepy guy on the other side of the pump, and he asked me if I could loan him some money to fill his tank, but I told him I didn't know how much money was in my account, and I couldn't afford to overdraft (which was being absolutely honest, so at least I wasn't lying). As I was pumping gasoline into my car, the cops pulled up, and approached the guy. He was sitting in the cab of his truck, waiting. They asked him what was going on with him begging other people to buy him a tank of gas, and he told them he was out of gas and had no money. They told him he shouldn't approach people like that. I don't know if they left or what, but I made sure to keep track of my total, $31.86, just in case this guy crept around after me to try to fill up on my card. I really couldn't afford it.

I went to my social work class. 'Tis going to be a challenge. Heavy group paper due in July, where we have to create some kind of intervention for something that we believe is a chronic problem. We have to create a personal kind of thing where we talk about our identity and what makes us who we are, what makes us want to be social workers, and create a pie chart of how much we think each little part influences us. We have to write a paper evaluating the effectiveness of our agency. We also have to write a letter to a "prospective" incoming intern (ie We're not putting names on it or anything), including things we want to tell them and whatnot. Have I mentioned that this is on top of completing our internship hours and supervision and going to class? Plus I have another class in the second half of the summer. This will be a challenge. 2 months until graduation. 2 months. 2 months.

Speaking of, I found out when my commencement will be, even though it will be long after I receive my actual degree. I'm still sort of excited!! December 16, 2011. Yay Class of 2011!!! (Please, please let me pass...lmao)

So...life will be busy. Blogs may be scarce. I will try to do as much as possible. I may do most of my posting on the weekends, even though that's really my reserved "homework time" (as of right now anyway). Is anyone else doing anything interesting over the summer? Taking on any big projects?

See how frequently I'm switching around? That's kind of how I am lately. Really having a hard time staying on topic. Recent changes probably won't help that, but I'm okay with that. I'm a little scattered, but I'm getting everything done, and that's all that matters in the end. Now I just have to be certain I can keep up with and remember everything. I also need a creative idea for my personal identity thing. A creative way to present it, I mean. I have a lot of creative people read this, so maybe someone will suggest something (this is the part where someone jumps down to the comments and suggests something...soon....it's due the 21st....thank you and I pre-emptively love you)

Oh, and I like this new blogger in draft thing. It's really cool. Blogger, if you see this, keep mine like this. Please. It's much easier to navigate. Thank you. ***

**I have nothing against Mercury or Le Sabres. I just happened to notice that both of them were driving the same color, make, and model of a vehicle.
***Despite the ease of navigation, I am still having issues reading some of the blogs I'm following. What's the deal with that? I'm getting frustrated.

Been there, done that

It's good to have some friends on your side, but what happens when those friends use your trust in them as a weapon against you? It becomes hard to trust people. I have a particular problem with trusting people, especially recently, for certain my own reasons. Who do you turn to when you're having trust problems? I really don't know. I've gained and lost so many friends that I may as well be a hermit have lost faith in humanity kind of feel lonely. 

I know that in the past, I've had people I could confide in, and I also know that there are a few people who wish I would confide in them...alas, I can't. Trust issues linger. I've got some things going on in my life that are really screwing things up bringing me down. It sucks to be alone in this type of situation, but really, who is there to talk to when you have trouble trusting people? Heck, the majority of the stuff that I need to talk about isn't worth mentioning hides in the dark corners of my mind. 

Being a (future) social worker, I know that this stuff is important. I've been through these classes (now, but I didn't know what it was all about when things started to get bad at first- 

• note- freshman psychology doesn't teach you about this stuff- they spend one week on an overview of mental health stuff, the rest on the biology and crap which is incredibly boring... fascinating, but not what I'm into. I also took that class when I was 17. Thus, nothing mentioned was "learned" in that class that pertains to me. 

*puts away soapbox*

I know there are "people" to talk to....but I don't quite trust them either. Even though I should. Even though I hope to will be one of them. (Positive thinking, positive thinking!)

I still face the I-don't-know-who-to-talk-to syndrome though. Mainly because of my future occupation- I don't want what's going on with me to affect my internship or job status at all. 

I'm not happy with myself. I need to lose like 80lb right now. I'm not quite shaped right. My feet are small (but that's ok). My hair is annoying. My nose looks funny. I'm annoying. I'm have less mental acuity than I once had (and I'm not quite old yet). I really suck at science and business stuff, and anything else I might find that's boring. I have few to no social skills, although I can share how to acquire social skills with other people. I'm too stressed all the time. I want to clean everything out of my room and start over. I miss who I was in high school, because I was good at things then. I'm alone, and I've always been single. (Yes, that means I've never had a real boyfriend)

Why do I say real? There was a guy when I was in 8th grade, I would have been 12 at the time, who asked me out....on a dare. Then broke up with me the next day because he actually didn't like me. That....is not a real boyfriend. That is someone who was being a jackass in front of his friends, typical for a kid that age, but still hurtful.

No, I'm not always funny or happy. Like now. I handle it. I don't know how. I've been told if there was a market for making people feel helpless, I would be able to create hefty earnings in that area. It's not my intention. Maybe that's why so many push away. So, maybe I don't handle it effectively, but I put on a good front (for the most part). I'm also learning a lot about myself and other people going through this process. 

Honestly, I think that some of the things I have been through (some of which will never be mentioned here- sorry guys- will truly help me in my future if when I get my Masters' degree I start working with people. It makes it easier to relate to someone if you know what's going on. So I'm taking on a client (under supervision, of course) to see how well this theory floats. Honestly, if I was talking to someone, I would want it to be someone who actually has been through the situation before, rather than just reading it in a book. After all, you wouldn't want someone who has never left the United States tell you how to navigate the streets of London, would you? (not the best analogy, but it fits, I guess). Hopefully, the people I talk to will be able to trust me, although I'll definitely understand if they have trust issues. That's the one thing about going into this field- a lot of the knowledge base I have is "been there, done that," which I think is a good thing.At least I hope it is.

Here's to hoping things get better....

Reading ahead

In order to make up for the horrible nature of my last blog, I have to write another one. I can't stand that one being first, but I promised an Easter blog. Now for some stuff that I actually...want to write about. I must do this tonight because....that one really sucked. I have to compensate- perhaps overcompensate. So....voilà, here it is

I'm of the type that likes to know what is going to happen. I enjoy predictability. Sometimes, I like to work from the beginning, skip to the end, then work through the middle.

Since I'm an avid reader, a bookaholic, if you will, I'll start by comparing it to that- it's like a book- I'll read the first few chapters to get an understanding of the author's use of language, then I'll skip to the last few chapters to see where the book is going, then I'll read the middle and try to work out, in my head, how it went from beginning to end. When in school, I liked to have the answer key, not to cheat, but to follow a line that leads me to the right answer. I'd look at the question and answer, and work out the middle, so that way, I know if I'm aimed in the right direction.

Unfortunately for me, life is nothing like that. I can't know the ending. It's difficult for me, because when I'm trying to work out situations, I often can't figure them out. I get nervous, my brain shuts off, and I am forced to operate under autopilot. Sometimes, I use previous *similar* experiences to guide my behaviour. That's not always the most successful way to go about things, but for me, it helps me to understand the inner workings better.

In a book, if I haven't referred to the ending, I often end up with a lot of loose ties, and wondering how everything fits together, and why certain things are included while others aren't. I get lost sometimes, trying to figure out the storyline. Having a destination makes it to where I am much less likely to get lost. I don't know if anyone else is like that...which makes it a little awkward. Some think I'm doing it just to get the answers, but that's not my goal. My goal is to know what's coming so that I can make the proper connections now.

Sometimes, I love shows like Criminal Minds for that reason. Most of the episodes, the viewer knows who the unsub is all along, and we get to watch the BAU connect the pieces of the puzzle until they find the person. I guess it's something like that. When working out a puzzle, you usually have an image right in front of you to guide you toward the solution, without specifically telling you how to get there- that's the fun part, working toward a visible goal.

Don't get me wrong, I do get a sense of pride when I figure out the correct answer/action without the guidance, but I feel less confident about my choices. Basically, I like having an end product in mind; that's just how I operate best.

With my chosen profession, I get to hear about the person's past, their current state of mind/lifestyle, and connect it with possible future outcomes. I have resources I can relay the person to, and have some idea what they will do with that person. The goals are visible. I don't have the answers, but I have EBP (Evidence-Based Practice- for those who aren't in the field, that's where you look at the research and make decisions based upon previous experiences). I can use EBP to determine what sort of path to take, and while I don't always know what response I'll get, I know that I had some sort of foundation, and a specific outcome in mind. It may not work out exactly to plan, but as long as somehow, I get to the end point, I think I'll feel more confident.

Basically, I like having something to build on. I like knowing what my finished product should (or will) look like. Builders of houses use floorplans so they know what the final product is supposed to look like, and what measurements to use. Stuff like that. I want a floorplan for my life, so I can know what goes where and put things together knowing that in the end, it'll all work out- because right now, I don't know that it'll all work out. Life is constantly throwing obstacles in my way, and I am always wondering how "worth it" it is to try to get around these obstacles- I mean, would it be worth it if there's just disaster on the other side? If things never improve? I can't turn to the end of the book and see. *sigh*