Reading ahead

In order to make up for the horrible nature of my last blog, I have to write another one. I can't stand that one being first, but I promised an Easter blog. Now for some stuff that I actually...want to write about. I must do this tonight because....that one really sucked. I have to compensate- perhaps overcompensate. So....voilà, here it is

I'm of the type that likes to know what is going to happen. I enjoy predictability. Sometimes, I like to work from the beginning, skip to the end, then work through the middle.

Since I'm an avid reader, a bookaholic, if you will, I'll start by comparing it to that- it's like a book- I'll read the first few chapters to get an understanding of the author's use of language, then I'll skip to the last few chapters to see where the book is going, then I'll read the middle and try to work out, in my head, how it went from beginning to end. When in school, I liked to have the answer key, not to cheat, but to follow a line that leads me to the right answer. I'd look at the question and answer, and work out the middle, so that way, I know if I'm aimed in the right direction.

Unfortunately for me, life is nothing like that. I can't know the ending. It's difficult for me, because when I'm trying to work out situations, I often can't figure them out. I get nervous, my brain shuts off, and I am forced to operate under autopilot. Sometimes, I use previous *similar* experiences to guide my behaviour. That's not always the most successful way to go about things, but for me, it helps me to understand the inner workings better.

In a book, if I haven't referred to the ending, I often end up with a lot of loose ties, and wondering how everything fits together, and why certain things are included while others aren't. I get lost sometimes, trying to figure out the storyline. Having a destination makes it to where I am much less likely to get lost. I don't know if anyone else is like that...which makes it a little awkward. Some think I'm doing it just to get the answers, but that's not my goal. My goal is to know what's coming so that I can make the proper connections now.

Sometimes, I love shows like Criminal Minds for that reason. Most of the episodes, the viewer knows who the unsub is all along, and we get to watch the BAU connect the pieces of the puzzle until they find the person. I guess it's something like that. When working out a puzzle, you usually have an image right in front of you to guide you toward the solution, without specifically telling you how to get there- that's the fun part, working toward a visible goal.

Don't get me wrong, I do get a sense of pride when I figure out the correct answer/action without the guidance, but I feel less confident about my choices. Basically, I like having an end product in mind; that's just how I operate best.

With my chosen profession, I get to hear about the person's past, their current state of mind/lifestyle, and connect it with possible future outcomes. I have resources I can relay the person to, and have some idea what they will do with that person. The goals are visible. I don't have the answers, but I have EBP (Evidence-Based Practice- for those who aren't in the field, that's where you look at the research and make decisions based upon previous experiences). I can use EBP to determine what sort of path to take, and while I don't always know what response I'll get, I know that I had some sort of foundation, and a specific outcome in mind. It may not work out exactly to plan, but as long as somehow, I get to the end point, I think I'll feel more confident.

Basically, I like having something to build on. I like knowing what my finished product should (or will) look like. Builders of houses use floorplans so they know what the final product is supposed to look like, and what measurements to use. Stuff like that. I want a floorplan for my life, so I can know what goes where and put things together knowing that in the end, it'll all work out- because right now, I don't know that it'll all work out. Life is constantly throwing obstacles in my way, and I am always wondering how "worth it" it is to try to get around these obstacles- I mean, would it be worth it if there's just disaster on the other side? If things never improve? I can't turn to the end of the book and see. *sigh*

A Place in this World

Shuffling through my iPod listening to music, I heard the graduation song by Vitamin C.....which has been very important to me, and still is, even though it's now pretty old; I still sometimes listen to it on repeat, and occasionally cry. If you don't know the song, I'll lead you to the youtube video below. I still had to listen to it while grabbing the link to it....it's one of those songs that I absolutely love, and can relate to.

I started high school in Killeen, after being there for 8 years. I had gotten to know most everyone pretty well, and since I had been there a while, was, for the most part, well adjusted. After my freshman year, though, we had to move, and I was crushed. Of course, at this time, the song was fairly new, and my best friend and I declared it as "our song"....we had never thought I would be moving, and at the time still found it unbelievable. We don't talk anymore, from what I understand that she said. I miss her.

After moving here, I never really made any bonds with anyone- it was a small school district, and I was an outsider coming in. Most of the students in my class were in the 12 year photo- those who started and finished in the same district. I did not. A few were upset when they found out my GPA was high enough to bump them down a rank because I was salutatorian (second highest GPA, behind valedictorian). I was glad to be in the upper echelon of the class, but still felt a bit rejected. I did make a few close acquaintances, and when I graduated, I felt torn apart again. I felt this song related to me not once, but twice: I always felt like things would never change.

Unfortunately, one element of the song I cannot relate to- because those who were my friends are no longer "friends forever". We've moved on...she has her friends, I have....schoolbooks. I no longer believe in the idea of "friends forever," rather, I just consider friendship as a close relationship between two people that is strong, but not permanent...."friends for a long time". I don't want to think about it that way, but every friend I try to make ends up falling off the face of the planet within a few months.

I would, however, love to have a (real life, not internet) best friend. I miss it. Most people would do anything for their best friend, I'm one of those types. Alas, times will never be the same, things will always change. Now, when I go back to Killeen, it's a completely different place, and very few people even recognise me, even if they've seen me on facebook or something. Sometimes it helps to listen to "Move Along" by the All American Rejects:

Friend. What is a best friend in my opinion? A best friend is someone that will stick beside you through thick and thin, whether you ask or want them to be there, or not. They'll be there when nobody else will. You'll share stories and laugh at movies together. You'll tell jokes and share secrets that you'd NEVER tell anyone else. You can't frighten them off with anything. They care, even if you really don't need them to. Instead of bailing you out of trouble, they'll probably be right in there along with you, because you were probably together at the time.

I always wonder, though, if there is a cutoff point, where you can no longer make this sort of bond with someone. Am I past that point? Is that why I can't seem to make and keep friends? I know I miss what I had, but I know also that it will never be the same again. The people I knew in Killeen are not the same people they were back then. Many are married, have children, they've got jobs and their own place, it's completely different. It's hard to feel like I belong anywhere. Taylor Swift- A Place in This World completely explains how I (as well as some others) feel....I just want to belong somewhere. I've not felt belonging in quite a long time. Don't get me wrong, I've tried to find my place, but I'm the square peg trying to fit into the round hole.

On Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, one of the levels includes love and belonging. Family usually indicates the presence of love, but belonging is something that's hard to achieve, and I feel like that's where I'm stuck- between the second level (safety) and the fourth level (self-efficacy and self-esteem). Once you get stuck on a level, you can't logically achieve anything higher than that.

Therefore, my esteem is low (a lot of people already knew that anyway). I need friendship, I want friendship, but it's like trying to find a specific needle in a stack of needles (reference to an episode of one of my fave shows, Criminal Minds). However, if I look more closely and objectively, I realise that I'm probably the one chasing people away! It doesn't help that I'm a tad anti-social, and I don't go out much. There are people out there who are GREAT at making friends, and I get a little jealous sometimes, because I long for that closeness again, but being the person I am, putting all my effort into everything (or almost everything) that I do, I think I end up neglecting people, thus not making friends. 

Nevertheless, friendship is an important part of life that should be embraced (I embrace it), and handled with care, because once a bond is broken, it's difficult to make it fit back together like it was before. If you break a piece of glass, does it ever fit together perfectly? No. That's what friendship is like. It may be close, but it's just not the same once the ties have been loosened or broken. 

Right now, though, I'm more focused on trying to find a place in this world. This broken, mixed up, confusing world, where relationships and words are misunderstood, where there are lonely, hungry, and sad people, where it's difficult to find a place for yourself, to find love and belonging, to accept yourself for who you are, where you can't really build self-esteem or self-efficacy unless you've got love and belonging. Maybe one day, I'll belong somewhere, but right now, in the words of Taylor Swift "I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world"

Expectations

We all have expectations for ourselves, no matter how mundane they might be. Whether it's showering every morning, making it to work on time, getting dressed, finishing a college degree, or deciding on a career, we all have expectations. Some have higher expectations than others. Some, like me, have unbelievably high expectations.

Not to say that these expectations, which could also double as "goals" if looked at in a different light, are all negative. Indeed, some of them are actually positive. The expectation to wake up and get out of bed in the morning is positive. The expectation to finish school is positive. However, the expectations to be a professional at multiple things, or to grasp everything that comes your way, or to never offend anyone, or to understand everything, are not reasonable. Reading a book by the end of the day is reasonable. Reading 2 books in one hour is stretching it, unless you're Spencer Reid off Criminal Minds. 20 books an hour is unrealistic as an expectation.

With a new year, most people make at least one resolution. Some are carried out, but the majority aren't. A lot of people make the resolution to drop weight, and stop their diet by the end of January. Such events are common. When it comes to me, I don't make resolutions, but there are expectations I have for myself- goals, per se, but not exactly.

For example, I expect that I will pass my spring and summer classes. I expect that my internship will turn out well, and I expect that I will prove myself worthy of a job. I expect that I'll have a job sometime this year. I expect that I'll graduate in August. I expect I'll soon be able to move out. I expect that I'll be able to begin paying my parents back and paying off my loans. But, I also expect As from my classes. I expect to do everything correct at my internship. I know that these expectations are quite lofty, but it's something that I can't seem to get out of the habit of doing.

All my life, everything has been about expectations. Expectations to make the grade, expectations to do certain things to maintain friendships, expectations about behavior from my parents and from the schools (of course) are some of them I have experienced. I was always a straight-A student and graduated second in my class, but I was disappointed because I expected more of myself. Perfect attendance? How can I expect more? I don't know, but I did. Good behavior? I was the star student. Every teacher wished they had a class full of Ashleys instead of some of the other students.

My only detentions were in 2nd grade, when I cried about spilling chocolate milk on my favorite blue skirt (I was 6! It was devastating! Yes, I cried over spilt milk!!), and the time that the sadistic choir teacher expected us to have only our choir materials at our seat and quiet (no wandering eyes either) by the time the tardy bell rang. I looked at a friend and got caught and got detention. This happened more than once. She just wasn't very effective as a teacher. Oh, and there was the time in the 4th grade that another girl pushed me into the flower garden because I was a white girl (white was minority at the time where I lived).

Otherwise, I was the star student. Every year I got to go to the luncheon for the star students from each class. Teachers would add extra points to my assignments for creativity or hard work. I never had a mark against me. Of course, my parents didn't see me as a star child, but my brother caused a lot of trouble that somehow ended up involving me. Shooting toys at my face, or the dog, writing "wash me" on the back of the van (and blaming it on me), shoving me into the tub or into doors, etc. typical little brother things. So in their eyes, I never felt good enough. I expected more of myself. I would read until my eyes couldn't take it. I would do homework, and try to prove I was a good kid.

The more effort I put in, the less response I would get, and soon they just came to expect me to always have the best behavior at school, and behave better with my brother. It wasn't a goal anymore, it was expected. As  were expected; Bs were sub-par (for me). No longer was an A a "good job"; it became a "well why wasn't it 98 instead of 96?". Expectations grew higher as time went on, as I kept trying to prove myself, they'd raise the bar so I never met anyone's expectations.

I think the point of this post is to point out that while we can have resolutions and goals, we should never expect anything more out of ourselves than we know is feasible. We can make reachable, feasible goals, and set resolutions, but we can't expect ourselves to be perfect. Allow a little comfort room so that when you achieve something, it's not something that was expected, and gives you reason to celebrate. Appreciate the choice to just have goals and not expectations.

Do, of course, expect some things. Expect that another day will come. Expect that with each day come new challenges and tasks that may be difficult, or there will be other days that will fly by without difficulty. Expect to learn new things, and to set goals. Expect only as much as you can do, nothing more. Don't expect to become president of the US. Do expect to study sometimes, don't expect a college degree, but make it a goal. Expect to work hard to reach that goal.

The difference lies in the distinction. Goals are something that we wish to see happen in the future. Once we reach goals, we can reward ourselves, and set new goals (realistic ones, at least). Goals are something you can write down, and make steps toward achieving. Resolutions are decisions that we make to change some behavior or aspect of our lives. We might resolve to get a new job, or to apologize to someone. When you resolve to do something, there is usually a plan involved, and you are already taking part in the road toward that resolution. You're 'resolving' a situation.

Expectations are different. You can't make steps toward an expectation. An expectation is something that one feels they must meet, or they have failed. Expectations are often lofty and unrealistic, although some covert expectations (the sun will rise, the summer in Texas will be hot) do exist. These are concrete things based on experience and proven facts. Expectations such as perfection are not based on facts, and not logical. Expectations aren't easy to change, and often come with bitter disappointment when not achieved within a certain time frame, while goals usually have a less distinct time frame.

I wish everyone the best for 2011, I don't expect you to do anything except try to have a good year; my goal is to get a comment (500 reads and 0 comments? C'mon guys, the comment button is right at the bottom). My expectation is that I'll graduate in August. One goal is that I'll try to focus more on the important things, and not stress so much over the small stuff. My resolution is to have more of a social life. Another goal is to do well (with no definition of well, just a general idea) in my classes. I also hope to hone in on my writing skills, and become more entertaining, but I don't expect for certain that it'll happen, it's just a goal. It may be achieved next week, next month, 2 years from now, who knows.

Happy New Year, or, in Hawaiian, Haouli Makahiki Hou!!