This list is a non-exhaustive list, which will be added to and reposted from time to time for the enjoyment of internet addicts and non-addicts alike, of signs that the internet may (or may not) be taking over your (or someone else's) life. Any statements made in this blog have not been medically or psychologically evaluated and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease (or possible addictions).
You check your email the instant you wake up, especially if you have it on your phone- in that case, it's on your nightstand, and you don't even get out of bed to check your email.
You have more tabs open in Firefox/Safari/Chrome/Opera/whatever browser you can count, because they're all too tiny to count. Sometimes you have more than one window to accommodate all the tabs...(guilty- current count 40 tabs)
If you have internet on your phone, which you most likely do, you complain because you can't open enough windows at a time to contain all of your business that you need to complete; therefore, you download multiple apps to help with your dilemma.
You get frustrated when the internet is down, and you keep reloading your pages waiting for the internet to come back up...you need your internet.
You have arguments with your friends over which browser is better and the most efficient...and over Apple vs. other brands. (Totally not Apple, here. See picture of Droid eating Apple)
You spend more time with your internet friends than you do with your real friends...conversely, if you spend time with your real friends, you do it online.
You are nodding along with this list (and possibly adding to it as I go along)
You have more than one wireless capable device, and if your wireless goes out, you also have a 3G/4G capable device.
You start avoiding and neglecting outside activities because you're online "doing one more thing" before you go to your outside activities
You start forgetting that there is such a thing as an "outside activity"
You start speaking in online terms and calling people by their online names (I once called a friend by their online name over the phone...)
You forget to eat (just look at the Android. Eat Apples...)
Your friends start coming to you for computer advice....then they stop coming to you for computer advice because you're too busy with the internet stuff
You cry at the thought when your family threatens to take away your internet (oh dear) then try to plot ways of obtaining interwebz outside the home...even if you have to stay out all hours of the night.
You can compile lists like this and be completely unashamed.
Feel free to add anything you want in the comments below!
This Thursday, I'm thankful for all my friends, on and offline, who have kept up with me, asked me how I'm doing, and made sure everything is going okay, even if it's not always consistent. They still do check on me, and that's what counts.
I'm thankful for the people that keep up with me on a regular basis, and the people who care enough to do something about it when I'm feeling down or need a little help.
Anywhere someone can step in and make a difference, they never know how much of a difference they can make in someone's life. They rarely realize what kind of impact they are going to have. I'm thankful to have these kind of people around me, the ones that do without asking, the kind that are kind and giving, and don't ask for something in return. The kind that don't realize what a difference they're making, but continue to do what they're doing anyway.
It's good to have some friends on your side, but what happens when those friends use your trust in them as a weapon against you? It becomes hard to trust people. I have a particular problem with trusting people, especially recently, for certain my own reasons. Who do you turn to when you're having trust problems? I really don't know. I've gained and lost so many friends that I may as well be a hermithave lost faith in humanity kind of feel lonely.
I know that in the past, I've had people I could confide in, and I also know that there are a few people who wish I would confide in them...alas, I can't. Trust issues linger. I've got some things going on in my life that are really screwing things up bringing me down. It sucks to be alone in this type of situation, but really, who is there to talk to when you have trouble trusting people? Heck, the majority of the stuff that I need to talk about isn't worth mentioning hides in the dark corners of my mind.
Being a (future) social worker, I know that this stuff is important. I've been through these classes (now, but I didn't know what it was all about when things started to get bad at first-
note- freshman psychology doesn't teach you about this stuff- they spend one week on an overview of mental health stuff, the rest on the biology and crap which is incredibly boring... fascinating, but not what I'm into. I also took that class when I was 17. Thus, nothing mentioned was "learned" in that class that pertains to me.
*puts away soapbox*
I know there are "people" to talk to....but I don't quite trust them either. Even though I should. Even though I hope to will be one of them. (Positive thinking, positive thinking!)
I still face the I-don't-know-who-to-talk-to syndrome though. Mainly because of my future occupation- I don't want what's going on with me to affect my internship or job status at all.
I'm not happy with myself. I need to lose like 80lb right now. I'm not quite shaped right. My feet are small (but that's ok). My hair is annoying. My nose looks funny. I'm annoying. I'm have less mental acuity than I once had (and I'm not quite old yet). I really suck at science and business stuff, and anything else I might find that's boring. I have few to no social skills, although I can share how to acquire social skills with other people. I'm too stressed all the time. I want to clean everything out of my room and start over. I miss who I was in high school, because I was good at things then. I'm alone, and I've always been single. (Yes, that means I've never had a real boyfriend)
Why do I say real? There was a guy when I was in 8th grade, I would have been 12 at the time, who asked me out....on a dare. Then broke up with me the next day because he actually didn't like me. That....is not a real boyfriend. That is someone who was being a jackass in front of his friends, typical for a kid that age, but still hurtful.
No, I'm not always funny or happy. Like now. I handle it. I don't know how. I've been told if there was a market for making people feel helpless, I would be able to create hefty earnings in that area. It's not my intention. Maybe that's why so many push away. So, maybe I don't handle it effectively, but I put on a good front (for the most part). I'm also learning a lot about myself and other people going through this process.
Honestly, I think that some of the things I have been through (some of which will never be mentioned here- sorry guys- will truly help me in my future if when I get my Masters' degree I start working with people. It makes it easier to relate to someone if you know what's going on. So I'm taking on a client (under supervision, of course) to see how well this theory floats. Honestly, if I was talking to someone, I would want it to be someone who actually has been through the situation before, rather than just reading it in a book. After all, you wouldn't want someone who has never left the United States tell you how to navigate the streets of London, would you? (not the best analogy, but it fits, I guess). Hopefully, the people I talk to will be able to trust me, although I'll definitely understand if they have trust issues. That's the one thing about going into this field- a lot of the knowledge base I have is "been there, done that," which I think is a good thing.At least I hope it is.
Shuffling through my iPod listening to music, I heard the graduation song by Vitamin C.....which has been very important to me, and still is, even though it's now pretty old; I still sometimes listen to it on repeat, and occasionally cry. If you don't know the song, I'll lead you to the youtube video below. I still had to listen to it while grabbing the link to it....it's one of those songs that I absolutely love, and can relate to.
I started high school in Killeen, after being there for 8 years. I had gotten to know most everyone pretty well, and since I had been there a while, was, for the most part, well adjusted. After my freshman year, though, we had to move, and I was crushed. Of course, at this time, the song was fairly new, and my best friend and I declared it as "our song"....we had never thought I would be moving, and at the time still found it unbelievable. We don't talk anymore, from what I understand that she said. I miss her.
After moving here, I never really made any bonds with anyone- it was a small school district, and I was an outsider coming in. Most of the students in my class were in the 12 year photo- those who started and finished in the same district. I did not. A few were upset when they found out my GPA was high enough to bump them down a rank because I was salutatorian (second highest GPA, behind valedictorian). I was glad to be in the upper echelon of the class, but still felt a bit rejected. I did make a few close acquaintances, and when I graduated, I felt torn apart again. I felt this song related to me not once, but twice: I always felt like things would never change.
Unfortunately, one element of the song I cannot relate to- because those who were my friends are no longer "friends forever". We've moved on...she has her friends, I have....schoolbooks. I no longer believe in the idea of "friends forever," rather, I just consider friendship as a close relationship between two people that is strong, but not permanent...."friends for a long time". I don't want to think about it that way, but every friend I try to make ends up falling off the face of the planet within a few months.
I would, however, love to have a (real life, not internet) best friend. I miss it. Most people would do anything for their best friend, I'm one of those types. Alas, times will never be the same, things will always change. Now, when I go back to Killeen, it's a completely different place, and very few people even recognise me, even if they've seen me on facebook or something. Sometimes it helps to listen to "Move Along" by the All American Rejects:
Friend. What is a best friend in my opinion? A best friend is someone that will stick beside you through thick and thin, whether you ask or want them to be there, or not. They'll be there when nobody else will. You'll share stories and laugh at movies together. You'll tell jokes and share secrets that you'd NEVER tell anyone else. You can't frighten them off with anything. They care, even if you really don't need them to. Instead of bailing you out of trouble, they'll probably be right in there along with you, because you were probably together at the time.
I always wonder, though, if there is a cutoff point, where you can no longer make this sort of bond with someone. Am I past that point? Is that why I can't seem to make and keep friends? I know I miss what I had, but I know also that it will never be the same again. The people I knew in Killeen are not the same people they were back then. Many are married, have children, they've got jobs and their own place, it's completely different. It's hard to feel like I belong anywhere. Taylor Swift- A Place in This World completely explains how I (as well as some others) feel....I just want to belong somewhere. I've not felt belonging in quite a long time. Don't get me wrong, I've tried to find my place, but I'm the square peg trying to fit into the round hole.
On Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, one of the levels includes love and belonging. Family usually indicates the presence of love, but belonging is something that's hard to achieve, and I feel like that's where I'm stuck- between the second level (safety) and the fourth level (self-efficacy and self-esteem). Once you get stuck on a level, you can't logically achieve anything higher than that.
Therefore, my esteem is low (a lot of people already knew that anyway). I need friendship, I want friendship, but it's like trying to find a specific needle in a stack of needles (reference to an episode of one of my fave shows, Criminal Minds). However, if I look more closely and objectively, I realise that I'm probably the one chasing people away! It doesn't help that I'm a tad anti-social, and I don't go out much. There are people out there who are GREAT at making friends, and I get a little jealous sometimes, because I long for that closeness again, but being the person I am, putting all my effort into everything (or almost everything) that I do, I think I end up neglecting people, thus not making friends.
Nevertheless, friendship is an important part of life that should be embraced (I embrace it), and handled with care, because once a bond is broken, it's difficult to make it fit back together like it was before. If you break a piece of glass, does it ever fit together perfectly? No. That's what friendship is like. It may be close, but it's just not the same once the ties have been loosened or broken.
Right now, though, I'm more focused on trying to find a place in this world. This broken, mixed up, confusing world, where relationships and words are misunderstood, where there are lonely, hungry, and sad people, where it's difficult to find a place for yourself, to find love and belonging, to accept yourself for who you are, where you can't really build self-esteem or self-efficacy unless you've got love and belonging. Maybe one day, I'll belong somewhere, but right now, in the words of Taylor Swift "I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world"
I see it's been quite a while since I've written anything...I've been so busy that my blog has gone by the wayside. I'll try to give an abbreviated update, since I'm typing on my iPod and it's a bit awkward.
Just after the last post, I took a second piece of my sister's birthday cake, which happened to be the last piece. I left it waiting for a couple days before [I thought] it was safe. WRONG!! My sister went berserk and is still complaining that Ashley ate all her birthday cake. She should have taken a stab at it sooner!! Lol. I'll never hear the end of this one.....
The week after my last post, before falling into a deep, deep depression, I turned in 2 papers- one, I got a 18.1/19 available points, the other 244/250 (why can't they just be normal and use percentages???). Well, I thought I'd do a little better after pulling all-nighters, but I still did fairly well. I started missing a lot of class because my life started falling apart :(
My parents' 24th anniversary was 1 Nov. and we went to Olive Garden. Not too exciting, except I had another paper due the next day, my printer wasn't cooperating, I ended up pulling another all-nighter and not finishing. Very disappointing.
This past Wednesday, the 3rd, I had my interview for my internship, which I'll be starting in January. Of course, being the casual person I am, I had nothing to wear.we went and bought a suit outfit at JCPenney, which really felt foreign to me, but it looked nice I guess. Except the pants were 3 inches too long and dragged the ground even in heels. So the three inch shorter pants would still drag the ground were I not wearing heels, lol.
I wore heels.
I got the position!
I've been having problems with a "friend" attacking everything I say, and being the non-confrontational person I am, this makes me uncomfortable. They're not in the least bit hesitant to voice their opinion, and they know I won't stand up and fight them, meaning they win. That really sucks....
For the most part though, things have been pretty crappy- busy (paper-writing) and miserable (depression). I'm still around though. Just probably not in the best of spirits. I'll be working on it....Ciao for now!
