30 August 2011
Writing Prompt: Write about a time you disappointed yourself
OK, I chose this thinking it would be easy. I disappoint myself all the time, but small things, things not-blogworthy. When it came time to really sit down and write this, I still didn't know what to write about. The only disappointments that surpassed "spilling food on good clothing" or "missing my sister's important __ because of school or work" were school or work related. Then I realized....that's all my life is. So...
I've known for a long time that I should be doing something. I've been telling myself repeatedly, and there's been an echo in my head. Ever since my last job, it's been ringing in my ears, that I'm a failure, that I'm nothing, because I haven't done anything.
I mean, sure, I've got a university degree now, but what's it worth if you're sitting at home on your ass doing nothing? I've looked through Tarrant and Johnson County, scouring every source I could think of, every source I've been given, looking for something feasible. I've even searched entry level jobs- I've got a college degree, but I need something.
Still, I come up with nothing. See, the biggest disappointment so far in my life is happening right now. It's not what happened at my last job, or what happened at my internship; although those were disappointments, I learnt something from them. Right now, I'm going through major disappointment issues because I'm not learning anything at all from what I'm doing, nothing except that a university degree isn't worth much in a failing job market.
I'm learning how much of a disappointment I am to myself, after all these years of trying so hard to be something, and all I can get out of it is the roof I live under, and that's only because my parents provide it. The disappointment is my lack of ability to find a job, the lack of ability to make something of myself yet, the lack of ability to succeed in the real world. This is the time I'm most disappointed in myself, right now, and as time passes, the disappointment grows deeper.
People keep telling me that this stuff takes time, but how much time must pass before I tell myself that something isn't going right, or that I'm doing something wrong? Other people, they have jobs in line, or graduate school, or at least interviews. I have nothing. Should I not be disappointed about that? Because I am. It's disappointing. I worked far too many years to walk out with nothing. Nothing is more disappointing than walking out of hard work, time, effort, and perseverance with nothing. Nothing is more disappointing.
So right now, this is when I'm the most disappointed in myself.