Ten Years Time

Today's post will be my 199th post. The next will be number 200, and I've already got something in mind for that, but I've got something else in mind for today.

Yesterday's post was about where I picture myself in 10 years, and I've written other posts about where I picture myself in the future- prompted posts often ask about where we picture ourselves in the future.

But one thing they don't do is look at the past. Ten years ago Sunday is a significant date in the lives of Americans- we, as a country, as a whole, were attacked. Many of us that were old enough to remember do- we were in a classroom, at work, at the gym- it's something that we've related as a story, and there are even songs that ask "Do You Remember?"

I was in freshman choir class, with the most difficult and strict choir director (and probably the best choir) that I ever had. This was the one day we sat down our sheet music and turned on the television. I was 13, almost 14. I hadn't moved to Ft. Worth yet- I lived by the military base Ft. Hood- one of the biggest in the country, and many of my classmates were children of military parents. Yes....I remember.

Ten years ago, on this date, I never would have predicted that America would be attacked. On this writing prompt, had I written it in English class, I probably would have written something like "I want to graduate high school (check) and college (barely check), get a job (not yet), move out of my house (kinda check- different house, but still live with parents)"...basic things.

Things come up in life that we don't expect, and it's hard to prepare for stuff like this. Disasters strike every day- earthquakes, fires (there was one eerily close to my small town recently), floods, tornadoes, attacks, you never know what will happen, or when it will happen. America never knew that on September 11, 2001, they would be the target of an attack. They never knew that ten years later, there would be a memorial of an attack that they never planned on having. If you had asked any American, it wouldn't have been in their itinerary. I certainly wouldn't have had it planned.

We don't plan for disaster- it just happens. It doesn't have to happen, but it does. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it does happen to some, and that's when others reach out. When September 11th happened, there was a burst of patriotism- songs were written, schools had assemblies, security was tightened, and Americans understood (for the most part). Flags came out and were more prominent. If you ask an American about September 11, you can be almost certain that they'll know what you're talking about- even the young ones that weren't around when it happened. It's in the history books, it's in stories, it's in lifelines, and people remember. People talk about it. People read about it.

Now, it's ten years later. Can you believe it's been ten years?

Texas summer

I remember summers as a kid....

When we got out of school, we'd sit around the house all summer, go to the pool when my BFFLTF's family would take us onto the military base (this was before 9/11, the rules weren't as strict), and we'd go to St. Louis to visit my mom's family for a week or two at the end of June and beginning of July.

We would be out of school at the end of May, and we would complain about how hot it was (hey, Central Texas gets pretty damn hot in the summer!!). We would go to Girl Scout Day Camp not too long after school let out for a week. The first few years, I was a camper. Then I became whatever it is the older kids become (I forget, it's been a while, they help with the younger kids). Liz and I did this together. I remember one year getting really, REALLY sick during camp, and I had to miss the rest of camp that year. I miss being out there in the 115F degree heat (I have no idea why, but I do).

A few years, I got to go to the week long camp where we stayed in tents away from home, with Liz and Sarah and some other girls from my Girl Scout troop. That was excellent! That was when I was at the age where you could sell Girl Scout cookies with a cute smile :) but then I grew up, and you had to have some marketing skills to beat out the young kids. Either that, or you had to have parents willing to pay for the overnight camp. Since I had neither, I never went back to the overnight camp past a certain age. I did, though, go to the Day Camp up until the time when we moved away.

After day camp, before the trip to Missouri, and after the trip to Missouri, we were pretty typical bored kids during the summer. We went to the pool on base a lot, because it was about the only interesting thing to do that was free. When I was in middle school, I played softball (for a small fee) for a couple years. Given my excellent athletic skills lack of athletic ability, I ended up playing right field. When we moved here and I joined colorguard in high school, I got the torture joy of going to band camp for all of August, when the temperatures are highest. Otherwise, for the most part, our summers were pretty uneventful, except for, of course, that trip to Missouri.

Living in Killeen, that trip to Missouri was a good 14-15 hour trip (depending on how often we stopped- remember, they were (at the time) towing along 3 children younger than 13, all in a minivan, with 2 dogs. That long of a trip is bound to last forever, and therefore, bound to require quite a few stops. At the time, we actually made the trip twice a year- once in the summer, and once over our Christmas break. That tradition died when I got a job, and had to work over the Christmas holidays. That was kind of my fault. :/

While we were in Missouri, we did a lot of the same stuff we did at home, but we did a lot of tourist-y stuff too. We would go to the Science Museum (which is a lot more fun when you're younger), the Magic Museum (I think that's what it's called- haven't been in a while); we'd go watch fireworks at this place where my grandparents...volunteered? I think that's what they did. They've moved since then, and now we have our own firework show *near St. Peters. Basically, they tried to make it a fun week for us while we were there, and we usually had some fun. They also went to the casino on occasion, leaving us with a babysitter (sometimes a cousin), which was actually kind of fun. This was, of course, before I was of age to babysit, or, of course, tag along to the casino and forget the babysitting gig. We went to the Gateway Arch a few times, and I think we've been inside once (if it was more than once, I forgot the other times). We went to a few St. Louis Cardinals baseball games. Then we went home, and spent the rest of the summer complaining about how hot and bored we were. Man, it was nice to get to Missouri, where it was at least a little bit cooler!!

Now, things are different. We have to coordinate my school (and sometimes a work) schedule, with my brother's work schedule, with my dad's work schedule, with my mom's schedule (which is usually open in the summer...and soon enough, my sister will have a schedule too. I had to work my school schedule for my last semester around trying to get back in time for the 2nd five week session, and realizing that I'd have to miss one class, the day after Independence Day. I have yet to discuss this with my professor, whom I'll be meeting with next week to discuss the issue. I'll be 800 miles away, so I won't exactly be able to be there, and I can't change that, unless she wants to pay for the gas for me to drive back. Ha! Yeah right.

We don't do the same things. Since my grandparents now live in St. Peters, a bit farther from St. Louis, we don't go to the same places. Plus, the places we used to go don't have the same...appeal. They're geared for children of a younger age. I'm 23 now, and I don't like the same things I liked when I was 9. That's okay- St. Peters has plenty to do. They have what's called the Rec-Plex- this place actually has like...5? diving platforms. They've held Olympic diving trials there before. Now, they don't let anyone but swimmers dive off any but the first two platforms, but it's still pretty darn cool. They also have a hot tub, a kiddie pool, a lap pool (for the serious swimmers), a sauna, then they have other activities altogether. I don't know what all they have, but the building itself is huge, and they have summer programs. We don't live in St. Peters, so we can't sign up, but it seems like a place I'd go if we did live there.

I also like to go to the casino, even though the machines like to eat up my money really quickly. They have several to choose from. Isn't that nice?? I can let one eat my money, and if I don't like that, I can choose another!! I can say that I'm not addicted because I can go back to Texas, where there are no casinos, and not suffer withdrawals, or cravings to cross the state line and go to the casinos there.

St. Peters also has a really nice mall, and my aunt and uncle have a nice house too. My uncle has some arcade-esque games in his basement/lower level of his house. Well, actually, they just have a lot of really nice stuff. In home theatre, hot tub, Coca-Cola bar...and they live on a cul-de-sac, where we hold our little fireworks show. It's really nice, and it beats staying home all the time.

Plus, this summer, I have my internship and the volunteer stuff I'm doing to keep me busy, so it's not too bad. I like keeping myself busy, because it keeps me from picking at my thoughts too much, because that can really be a bad thing. Now I just need a good swimsuit so I can go out one day and get my tan, and my summer will be complete. And trust me, it'll only take one day, one burn, and a few days of "ow, don't touch me, I'm sunburnt!!" before I have a really good tan going on. I'm excited!! We've had a few good days of sun, and only sun in the forecast (no rain or tornadoes!!) and I hope it stays that way.

It's summertime in Texas.

*I forget what the exact name of the place is. It's actually at my aunt's house, and it's close to St. Peters, but not in St. Peters.

The compliment dilemma

Well, it turns out all semester I've been sending my psychology assignments to the wrong email address....DERP!! I finally got it straightened out last night, and was elated to get this email from my professor today:

This is Rock-Star-Psyc-Major level work.  Excellent at all levels.  Thanks for putting in so much effort.

That was not the response I expected!! Granted, I am a social work major, and if I make it to grad school, my intended concentration would be mental health. (Considering asking this guy for a recommendation- Excellent professor, Dr. in the field, extensive experience, very wise and intellectual man). Now I just have to finish the short 2 take home exams, and I'll be finished with that class!

What excites me the most about this is that I am NOT a psych major- I actually dropped it because there was too much research involved, and I am not a scientific/research type of person. Apparently, though, I have a lot of the knowledge necessary to go into my desired field, which is so similar to psychology (besides the lower level of research and increased field experience) that it's uncanny. I love it! My confidence level just went through the ROOF!

On the other hand, I have an economics class to keep up with. Now, my professor has told me that in order to fail, I pretty much have to bomb the rest of the assignments and exams because I am on the A/B border. It would be great to earn an A in a course I absolutely detest!! I mean, all I need is a C to transfer, and he says I shouldn't even be worried about that. I still am. I can't help but worry. I mean, if I don't pass ECON, then I have to retake it over the summer, or take it in the fall, which would delay my receiving of my degree until December, which I do not want to do. I've been studying for this next exam, Tuesday night, like a maniac....

But I've got that presentation Monday. I probably won't *really* be able to focus until Monday night, after the presentation is over. I also accidentally printed too many pages from the lab printer- d'oh. I had to print the note pages for the presentation! Otherwise I'll forget my words and flop around like a fish up there. I can communicate this way, no problem. I can write papers well, apparently, even if I'm as unsure of myself as I was about the psychology assignments that I did a "psych-major" level job on. I know that he said he had most of the class redo the assignment...so I suppose that's a good sign when he says not only did I do well, but a psych major level!

Unfortunately, I do horribly taking compliments. I am able to say thank you, and smile, but in my mind, I cannot believe the compliments. It's like I can't comprehend why someone would want to give me a compliment. I don't deserve compliments! There's this wrong with me, and that wrong with me, and this and that too. I've learned to keep the objections to the compliments to myself, for the most part, but it's difficult to connect good things with myself. I struggle with this daily. I can't even compliment myself!! If it's something good, it cannot be about me!!

In fact, it's taken me a long time to stop strongly rejecting any and every compliment. Even the above comment from Dr. O? My first thought was "Is he looking at the right student's email?" Of course, could he have responded to the original email from the wrong person with the text that I wrote in there and my attachments on there? No....but in my mind, I was trying to make a reason.

I wonder, though, from where this stems. Why is it that compliments are so freakin hard for me to accept? I'm even still waiting for the "but" clause to arrive in my inbox--BUT you got the wrong idea. BUT your writing wasn't good enough. BUT you should have sent it to the right email address sooner (thank goodness that Word documents the last update made to each document).

Luckily, I am two assignments ahead in that class, and only have the take-home exams to finish. The questions on the take-home exams seem simple enough, asking about things I already know about. Good thing is, a lot of the work we are doing is related to abnormal psychology, which I'm taking in the second half of the summer session.

I'm still contemplating, though, why it is so hard for me to accept compliments. What, besides low self-esteem, could make a person reject compliments, verbally or internally, as strongly as I do? I haven't any theories; I can read other people and usually target their issue and help them with it, but when it comes to myself, I just plain don't understand. From what I have been told, I have NO reason whatsoever to be so insecure, yet I am.

From an early age, I was advanced in my classes and my intellect. When moving from Hawaii to Texas, they tried to hold me back a grade because of my age, but my parents convinced them by having them test my reading level- there was no way they'd put me back in kindergarten after they saw the results, unless I "fell behind". To this day, a good friend of mine, Valerie, remembers when I joined the class, and she was no longer the best reader. We didn't have it out though, or anything like that. She was actually the first person in the class to really talk to me. And we still talk, although not as often.

That alone should be an ego boost...and it gets better. I was the youngest person in my class because of this special exception they made, and I was always near the top of the class. Although I never tested into TAG, the talented and gifted program in Killeen, I was always placed in the class with the TAG students. I cried when I got my first B in 3rd grade- an 89- I didn't get the 7 times tables. (I still have a bit of trouble with the 7 tables, even though 7 is my favorite number- I have to think through it).

I was a straight A student in all these advanced classes, even through middle school. The only class I ever had trouble with in elementary/middle school is TAG Algebra I- but I had no previous algebra experience- I never even took pre-algebra. I dove straight from basic 7th grade level math to an accelerated Algebra I. Those problems resolved, however, and I did much better in classes that followed. My 8th grade Algebra teacher had nearly no faith in my ability to do Algebra. I'll come back to this in a second.

When I transferred high schools, I finally got a class ranking- 2/232. In a class of students all older than me (and more than one person has said that the valedictorian kind of cheated her way there to begin with, but that's a whole different story). I competed in multiple academic competitions through UIL (for those who don't know- it's a state organization of ALL activities, from sports to music to academics, with rules and regulations regarding each one, that governs competition in Texas). I competed in history (2005 State Champs!!!!), Spelling (5th in the region- see blog about rendezvous HERE because my perfectionism is well explained- I almost made it to state!), maths, number sense (calculations in your head- no calculator or scratch paper), calculator, creative writing, and science, among others, at one time or another. I also competed in Choir- Division II 9th and 11th grade, Division I 10th and 12th grade, as well as a Division II at state my senior year.

So how on earth could a person like this be so insecure about their achievements and any accomplishments that come their way? Even then, it was never good enough. I still cannot seem to find "good enough". When speaking with my economics professor tonight about my grade, he commented that it was quite strange that I was so worried about my grade, even though I had been showing excellent performance. I know that I tend to be a perfectionist, but looking at my past, I can't imagine why I can't accept a compliment. I worked hard, I got good grades, I participated in a thousand after-school activities, what does this stem from?

Theoretically, it might be from some type of....issue that I have. I'm not sure how true this is, because my parents don't believe this stuff existed before that psychology class....but don't take into account that I couldn't initiate a visit with anyone before I turned 18, which was after I finished my psychology course. And, sadly, knowing as much about psychology as I do, seeing as I did a "rock-star-psych-major" job on my assignments, I'm having trouble figuring out why I can't figure it out!!!


It's late, and I can't really seem to get my mind off this, so this is all I'll write about now. I need to learn about taking compliments, and I've got some studying to do for class. I've also got a powerpoint presentation to finish, as well as the take home exam, and some exercises from the course tutor from my economics class, so I can be prepared. My meeting at 2:30 tomorrow is cancelled, so I'm in the clear there. In fact, I've probably gotten enough hours this week that I could likely take the day off, but I have an individual session to do before the end of the week. I'd rather not go up there Saturday. Oh, and I need some rest. That might be important. There will be a more interesting blog coming up sometime soon. ;)

A Place in this World

Shuffling through my iPod listening to music, I heard the graduation song by Vitamin C.....which has been very important to me, and still is, even though it's now pretty old; I still sometimes listen to it on repeat, and occasionally cry. If you don't know the song, I'll lead you to the youtube video below. I still had to listen to it while grabbing the link to it....it's one of those songs that I absolutely love, and can relate to.

I started high school in Killeen, after being there for 8 years. I had gotten to know most everyone pretty well, and since I had been there a while, was, for the most part, well adjusted. After my freshman year, though, we had to move, and I was crushed. Of course, at this time, the song was fairly new, and my best friend and I declared it as "our song"....we had never thought I would be moving, and at the time still found it unbelievable. We don't talk anymore, from what I understand that she said. I miss her.

After moving here, I never really made any bonds with anyone- it was a small school district, and I was an outsider coming in. Most of the students in my class were in the 12 year photo- those who started and finished in the same district. I did not. A few were upset when they found out my GPA was high enough to bump them down a rank because I was salutatorian (second highest GPA, behind valedictorian). I was glad to be in the upper echelon of the class, but still felt a bit rejected. I did make a few close acquaintances, and when I graduated, I felt torn apart again. I felt this song related to me not once, but twice: I always felt like things would never change.

Unfortunately, one element of the song I cannot relate to- because those who were my friends are no longer "friends forever". We've moved on...she has her friends, I have....schoolbooks. I no longer believe in the idea of "friends forever," rather, I just consider friendship as a close relationship between two people that is strong, but not permanent...."friends for a long time". I don't want to think about it that way, but every friend I try to make ends up falling off the face of the planet within a few months.

I would, however, love to have a (real life, not internet) best friend. I miss it. Most people would do anything for their best friend, I'm one of those types. Alas, times will never be the same, things will always change. Now, when I go back to Killeen, it's a completely different place, and very few people even recognise me, even if they've seen me on facebook or something. Sometimes it helps to listen to "Move Along" by the All American Rejects:

Friend. What is a best friend in my opinion? A best friend is someone that will stick beside you through thick and thin, whether you ask or want them to be there, or not. They'll be there when nobody else will. You'll share stories and laugh at movies together. You'll tell jokes and share secrets that you'd NEVER tell anyone else. You can't frighten them off with anything. They care, even if you really don't need them to. Instead of bailing you out of trouble, they'll probably be right in there along with you, because you were probably together at the time.

I always wonder, though, if there is a cutoff point, where you can no longer make this sort of bond with someone. Am I past that point? Is that why I can't seem to make and keep friends? I know I miss what I had, but I know also that it will never be the same again. The people I knew in Killeen are not the same people they were back then. Many are married, have children, they've got jobs and their own place, it's completely different. It's hard to feel like I belong anywhere. Taylor Swift- A Place in This World completely explains how I (as well as some others) feel....I just want to belong somewhere. I've not felt belonging in quite a long time. Don't get me wrong, I've tried to find my place, but I'm the square peg trying to fit into the round hole.

On Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, one of the levels includes love and belonging. Family usually indicates the presence of love, but belonging is something that's hard to achieve, and I feel like that's where I'm stuck- between the second level (safety) and the fourth level (self-efficacy and self-esteem). Once you get stuck on a level, you can't logically achieve anything higher than that.

Therefore, my esteem is low (a lot of people already knew that anyway). I need friendship, I want friendship, but it's like trying to find a specific needle in a stack of needles (reference to an episode of one of my fave shows, Criminal Minds). However, if I look more closely and objectively, I realise that I'm probably the one chasing people away! It doesn't help that I'm a tad anti-social, and I don't go out much. There are people out there who are GREAT at making friends, and I get a little jealous sometimes, because I long for that closeness again, but being the person I am, putting all my effort into everything (or almost everything) that I do, I think I end up neglecting people, thus not making friends. 

Nevertheless, friendship is an important part of life that should be embraced (I embrace it), and handled with care, because once a bond is broken, it's difficult to make it fit back together like it was before. If you break a piece of glass, does it ever fit together perfectly? No. That's what friendship is like. It may be close, but it's just not the same once the ties have been loosened or broken. 

Right now, though, I'm more focused on trying to find a place in this world. This broken, mixed up, confusing world, where relationships and words are misunderstood, where there are lonely, hungry, and sad people, where it's difficult to find a place for yourself, to find love and belonging, to accept yourself for who you are, where you can't really build self-esteem or self-efficacy unless you've got love and belonging. Maybe one day, I'll belong somewhere, but right now, in the words of Taylor Swift "I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world"