Thirty Three and a Traumatized Dog

Day 2: Where you'd like to be in ten years

Well, in ten years, I'd certainly like to be far past where I am right now. I'll be thirty-three (that one, I have no choice in the matter). I'd like to be finished with my Masters' degree, and have my license and a stable career. Of course, since I don't see myself with anyone, I'm not particular about where I'd live- perhaps a nice small place in suburbia- I actually quite like suburbia. It's not so far away from town that you are completely isolated from everything, but it's not at the core of everything, where there's constantly hustle and bustle, and you never get to rest.

That, really, sums up where I'd like to be in ten years.

Our poor dog got traumatised today, and it's partially my fault...poor thing.

You see, every once in a while, he'll get in the habit of coming into my room and jumping onto my bed. Typically, he doesn't jump on furniture, so this is unusual. He's never been the type to jump on furniture much- which is good, because he's a big dog.

Well, today my parents got me a new mattress (the other was probably older than I am....it was about time for it to retire). I'm quite pleased with it. Goober (the dog), on the other hand...well, not so much. He sized my room up, knowing something was different, when he came in, but nevertheless gave a running leap at my bed. He didn't realise that it sits about a half foot higher than it did before...and he landed square in the middle of his chest, with this face that...I don't know how to describe. It was funny and pitiful all at the same time.

He turned tail and ran out of my room. I tried to call him back, and I was going to sit on the floor with him, but when he turned the corner and saw my bed again, he turned around and ran. He hasn't come back this direction since then. I think I traumatised him, and I feel awful about it...but I can't help but laugh at the pitiful face he made when he landed, paws flailed to the sides, halfway on the bed. Is it bad that I wish I had a camera to catch the face he made at that moment?

Hopefully, someday, he'll overcome his fear and be able to once again brave coming into my room to see me on occasion....it'll be difficult to adjust to, poor thing. I keep finding myself trying to sit on the lower bed, so it's unusual for me too, but I'm not having any trauma from it...but I also didn't land like he did. I also didn't end up the subject of a blog because of my facial expression after landing on the bed. As a memory, I'll add a picture of him on my old bed, after my initial shock of seeing him, the first time he ever came in my room, also the first time I ever saw him jump on a piece of furniture.

Day 30: To Infinity and Beyond!

Day 30: A dream for the future beyond next year...think long term

I've known this one for a very, very long time. I've written about it many times. Some people are probably sick of hearing about it, so this will be very brief. This is the final day of "30 Days About Me," appropriately asking about what will happen beyond here. I know I've missed some days- I've had a few people say they want to participate, and I don't have the comprehensive list on my blog, but if you want all the prompts to do a 30 days about yourself, you can find the list linked here, and although you won't be able to link up to the posts for the month of August, it'll give you the opportunity to participate in a 30 day writing thingy.

On to my dream for the future.

1) I want to see Germany, Austria, other parts of Europe like London, Paris, and maybe other places like Norway, Iceland, but the main place that I would absolutely love to go, if I ever had the chance, would be Australia. I'd also like to see some parts of South America, Canada, the Caribbean, (not Central America though), maybe the country South Africa. Not an exhaustive list, but the highlights.

2) I want to have a nice place of my own, not necessarily with a family- however, if I do ever have kids, they would probably be adopted- heaven forbid if they end up with my genes. I don't want kids like me. They wouldn't be very happy, and they'd have a lot to worry about.

3) Learn German. I'd love to become fluent, but that, I know, is rough after the teenage years because of brain plasticity. However, if it can happen, I would love it.

4) I want to pay off all my debts and still be able to afford to live comfortably. Being a social worker, I know that's gonna be rough. I'll have to work it out somehow. I'll probably end up working two jobs anyway, because I don't like downtime.

5) Move away from Texas. I know it's where I live and all, but it's not where I want to live forever. I'd also like to travel the country before settling down, and see all the sights that there are to see, in every state. Road trip, anyone?

6) Feel better....for good. Not just avoid bad days- I know they happen...but avoid the depression. There's a difference.

7) Find someone who cares about me genuinely. I doubt this will happen, but it is a dream of mine. I don't believe that everyone has a soulmate- really, I don't.

8) Now that there are 7, I have to reach 10, so I need a few more. Let's see. I would love to see both my brother and sister graduate from college, even though my brother is currently no longer attending college. I'd love to see them get married (my brother is on his way there) and have families of their own, and have happy lives themselves.

9) I'd like to find a niche. A place I belong. Somewhere I can feel comfortable and be myself. A place where I know I'm accepted, and where I don't feel I have to bend backwards to be someone else, or wear a mask or façade to fit in. Friends and everything will be there.

10) I'd love to meet all my bloggy friends. That means all the ones from all the corners of the world- readers and bloggers alike. I want to know who it is that likes what I'm writing, as well as the ones that I'm reading. I want to meet them all!!

THIS IS PERHAPS THE BIGGEST DREAM OF MY ENTIRE LIFE:::::
My dream, my biggest dream, is that I will become a LMSW. For those of you not educated in the lingo of Social Work, that means a Licensed Masters' of Social Work. This would require a second degree- probably about 2 extra years of schooling, which I hope to complete at UT Arlington- and further licensing.

This is my goal for the future. To help as many people as I possibly can. I know I can't help everyone, but I can at least make a difference with the ones I can reach. Each one that I can help makes a difference. That's what counts.

Day 13: Eye Opening

Day 13: Something or someone that has had a huge impact on my life

Without a doubt, that something would be an entity, a group of people I suppose, or I guess you could just say the profession, social work.

For a long time, I didn't know what I was doing. When I started college, and for a long time before, I had no idea where I was going with my life. I had a lot of troubles, which I really won't go into, and I kind of floated around trying to find my place. It didn't really work all that well for me, and I didn't ever find anything that really suited me that well. I wasn't happy with it, and, truth be told, a lot of things leading up to my "epiphany," if you will, probably made things worse.

In late 2006, I decided I was going to go the psychology route at the university, since that had been one of my favorite freshman classes. I had already taken a lot of the prerequisite courses, but in order to take higher level courses as a psychology major, I had to take a Research, Design, and Statistics course, part one and two. I took the first part, and kicked ass in the course, but my other courses suffered.

During the second part, in early 2007, I started having a lot of problems, and my grade reflected that. I had a (unavoidable) stint away from classes, which forced a lot of my grades down, including Research, Design, and Stats II. I never really liked the stats part anyway, but I was doing it because psychology was what I wanted.

After a rough semester, I pretty much stumbled my way to failure, and, when it all came to a close, we had to do some work to get things set straight. When I went to the academic advisor about the fall term, we had a talk about what went right and wrong, and I told her about what I liked and what I didn't. She then advised me, surprisingly, to go to the social work advisor and see if I liked the course of study there. They did a referral...what? I didn't know. I was stunned.

I did it. I took the intro course that fall, and I was stoked. I made my first A in a very long time. Things started to pick up for me. I felt a little better. I took more courses, and continued to make As in them. Not only was it giving me a higher GPA, which I so desperately needed, but it was boosting my self esteem, because I found something I was actually capable of doing well, learning, and succeeding, as well as something that would end up being my major.

I learned a lot of things about myself through social work, and a lot about coping skills, and through learning how to help other people, I also learned things I could do to help myself! *not a part of the degree plan, but definitely a positive side effect*

In the fall of 2009, I officially sent in the letter of application to declare a major in social work, and was accepted! For someone who, not too long before, had no idea where they were going, this was a huge step. Not only that, but I was making huge life changes. My attitude and functioning overall were drastically changed. People who take a look at my transcript, they can tell you that there's a major difference in my grades, a major transformation and improvement.

I look at the world differently. I look at myself differently. I have better coping, studying, self-awareness, communication, presentation, writing, and many other skills. Had it not been for social work, and that psychology advisor that told me I should check it out, I may not be finished with school yet. I may have still been fishing around. I may not have the knowledge and skills I've acquired by default from the classes I've taken. Self-regulation would be different. My attitude and communication would be different. I might not feel as capable because I wouldn't have the degree. I wouldn't have had the experience that my internship gave me, including the harsh lessons that I eventually learned...although harsh, they were, nevertheless, lessons learned.

Social work, as a whole, has had such a huge effect on my life that I just can't emphasize it enough. Even though I don't have a job, it does teach a lot of skills that can be applied anywhere, skills that you might not learn other places. The degree and the field is so versatile and has so many applications, and the scope of study so wide, that you learn so much. I love it. I hated some of the classes (note: very few, mostly those dealing with research and statistics...actually, just research and statistics), but in them, I learned a lot more than I thought I could.

Now, it will be a part of the rest of my life, as I wait for my license and a job. I want to go to grad school, too, for my masters' degree. In 2007, I never would have seen myself in graduate school. Now it's just something that I'm waiting for funds in order to achieve it. My job? It will be in social work. Yes, social work is a major part of my life.

So, has it had a huge impact on my life? Absolutely, and it will continue to do so. Thank you, social work, for showing me so many things I never knew, and for leading me through university and to a career that I'll enjoy.

The compliment dilemma

Well, it turns out all semester I've been sending my psychology assignments to the wrong email address....DERP!! I finally got it straightened out last night, and was elated to get this email from my professor today:

This is Rock-Star-Psyc-Major level work.  Excellent at all levels.  Thanks for putting in so much effort.

That was not the response I expected!! Granted, I am a social work major, and if I make it to grad school, my intended concentration would be mental health. (Considering asking this guy for a recommendation- Excellent professor, Dr. in the field, extensive experience, very wise and intellectual man). Now I just have to finish the short 2 take home exams, and I'll be finished with that class!

What excites me the most about this is that I am NOT a psych major- I actually dropped it because there was too much research involved, and I am not a scientific/research type of person. Apparently, though, I have a lot of the knowledge necessary to go into my desired field, which is so similar to psychology (besides the lower level of research and increased field experience) that it's uncanny. I love it! My confidence level just went through the ROOF!

On the other hand, I have an economics class to keep up with. Now, my professor has told me that in order to fail, I pretty much have to bomb the rest of the assignments and exams because I am on the A/B border. It would be great to earn an A in a course I absolutely detest!! I mean, all I need is a C to transfer, and he says I shouldn't even be worried about that. I still am. I can't help but worry. I mean, if I don't pass ECON, then I have to retake it over the summer, or take it in the fall, which would delay my receiving of my degree until December, which I do not want to do. I've been studying for this next exam, Tuesday night, like a maniac....

But I've got that presentation Monday. I probably won't *really* be able to focus until Monday night, after the presentation is over. I also accidentally printed too many pages from the lab printer- d'oh. I had to print the note pages for the presentation! Otherwise I'll forget my words and flop around like a fish up there. I can communicate this way, no problem. I can write papers well, apparently, even if I'm as unsure of myself as I was about the psychology assignments that I did a "psych-major" level job on. I know that he said he had most of the class redo the assignment...so I suppose that's a good sign when he says not only did I do well, but a psych major level!

Unfortunately, I do horribly taking compliments. I am able to say thank you, and smile, but in my mind, I cannot believe the compliments. It's like I can't comprehend why someone would want to give me a compliment. I don't deserve compliments! There's this wrong with me, and that wrong with me, and this and that too. I've learned to keep the objections to the compliments to myself, for the most part, but it's difficult to connect good things with myself. I struggle with this daily. I can't even compliment myself!! If it's something good, it cannot be about me!!

In fact, it's taken me a long time to stop strongly rejecting any and every compliment. Even the above comment from Dr. O? My first thought was "Is he looking at the right student's email?" Of course, could he have responded to the original email from the wrong person with the text that I wrote in there and my attachments on there? No....but in my mind, I was trying to make a reason.

I wonder, though, from where this stems. Why is it that compliments are so freakin hard for me to accept? I'm even still waiting for the "but" clause to arrive in my inbox--BUT you got the wrong idea. BUT your writing wasn't good enough. BUT you should have sent it to the right email address sooner (thank goodness that Word documents the last update made to each document).

Luckily, I am two assignments ahead in that class, and only have the take-home exams to finish. The questions on the take-home exams seem simple enough, asking about things I already know about. Good thing is, a lot of the work we are doing is related to abnormal psychology, which I'm taking in the second half of the summer session.

I'm still contemplating, though, why it is so hard for me to accept compliments. What, besides low self-esteem, could make a person reject compliments, verbally or internally, as strongly as I do? I haven't any theories; I can read other people and usually target their issue and help them with it, but when it comes to myself, I just plain don't understand. From what I have been told, I have NO reason whatsoever to be so insecure, yet I am.

From an early age, I was advanced in my classes and my intellect. When moving from Hawaii to Texas, they tried to hold me back a grade because of my age, but my parents convinced them by having them test my reading level- there was no way they'd put me back in kindergarten after they saw the results, unless I "fell behind". To this day, a good friend of mine, Valerie, remembers when I joined the class, and she was no longer the best reader. We didn't have it out though, or anything like that. She was actually the first person in the class to really talk to me. And we still talk, although not as often.

That alone should be an ego boost...and it gets better. I was the youngest person in my class because of this special exception they made, and I was always near the top of the class. Although I never tested into TAG, the talented and gifted program in Killeen, I was always placed in the class with the TAG students. I cried when I got my first B in 3rd grade- an 89- I didn't get the 7 times tables. (I still have a bit of trouble with the 7 tables, even though 7 is my favorite number- I have to think through it).

I was a straight A student in all these advanced classes, even through middle school. The only class I ever had trouble with in elementary/middle school is TAG Algebra I- but I had no previous algebra experience- I never even took pre-algebra. I dove straight from basic 7th grade level math to an accelerated Algebra I. Those problems resolved, however, and I did much better in classes that followed. My 8th grade Algebra teacher had nearly no faith in my ability to do Algebra. I'll come back to this in a second.

When I transferred high schools, I finally got a class ranking- 2/232. In a class of students all older than me (and more than one person has said that the valedictorian kind of cheated her way there to begin with, but that's a whole different story). I competed in multiple academic competitions through UIL (for those who don't know- it's a state organization of ALL activities, from sports to music to academics, with rules and regulations regarding each one, that governs competition in Texas). I competed in history (2005 State Champs!!!!), Spelling (5th in the region- see blog about rendezvous HERE because my perfectionism is well explained- I almost made it to state!), maths, number sense (calculations in your head- no calculator or scratch paper), calculator, creative writing, and science, among others, at one time or another. I also competed in Choir- Division II 9th and 11th grade, Division I 10th and 12th grade, as well as a Division II at state my senior year.

So how on earth could a person like this be so insecure about their achievements and any accomplishments that come their way? Even then, it was never good enough. I still cannot seem to find "good enough". When speaking with my economics professor tonight about my grade, he commented that it was quite strange that I was so worried about my grade, even though I had been showing excellent performance. I know that I tend to be a perfectionist, but looking at my past, I can't imagine why I can't accept a compliment. I worked hard, I got good grades, I participated in a thousand after-school activities, what does this stem from?

Theoretically, it might be from some type of....issue that I have. I'm not sure how true this is, because my parents don't believe this stuff existed before that psychology class....but don't take into account that I couldn't initiate a visit with anyone before I turned 18, which was after I finished my psychology course. And, sadly, knowing as much about psychology as I do, seeing as I did a "rock-star-psych-major" job on my assignments, I'm having trouble figuring out why I can't figure it out!!!


It's late, and I can't really seem to get my mind off this, so this is all I'll write about now. I need to learn about taking compliments, and I've got some studying to do for class. I've also got a powerpoint presentation to finish, as well as the take home exam, and some exercises from the course tutor from my economics class, so I can be prepared. My meeting at 2:30 tomorrow is cancelled, so I'm in the clear there. In fact, I've probably gotten enough hours this week that I could likely take the day off, but I have an individual session to do before the end of the week. I'd rather not go up there Saturday. Oh, and I need some rest. That might be important. There will be a more interesting blog coming up sometime soon. ;)

There's no throwing it away!

Before I start with content, I have some exciting news (well, exciting for me). I've been reviewed and accepted to the site 20sb (20-something bloggers- for bloggers aged 20-29) after a few days of waiting!! I kept watching for them to accept me, and I finally got an email saying I was accepted. Yay!! I don't know their process, but to be a member of a blogging community is kinda exciting.

I also am a little nervous about something- I got a packet containing a graduate school application in the mail today!

I did request one, so this wasn't a surprise, but....I'm not sure if I'll make it! I'm really nervous about the whole thing, because I had turbulent times in the middle of my university years, which brought my grade point average down tremendously, low enough that I can't redeem it before I complete my courses in August. I'd need an adequate score on the GRE (graduate readiness exam, for those who don't know; high score because I have such a low GPA, below their admission threshold), plus I'd have to write a 4-6 page paper, 3+ letters of recommendation, and, of course, the application itself; they also said there is a potential interview.

I don't want to rush into this though, I'm going to try to take some time to get a job and get on my feet a bit before I start that phase, which is something I really desire to do. I am almost desperate for an MSW (masters' in social work) with a concentration in Mental Health. I want to be a therapist/counselor, and I'd like to have my own place as an LMSW that has night and weekend hours (so people don't have to schedule during work/school- a lot of places don't offer those hours!). So they're having a little grad school thing August 6 that I plan on going to, to see if I can find out any more info. I'd also like to know if my social work GPA counts for anything- seeing as it's a 3.7!- and find out if there is any way to waive the classes that I got As in so I don't have to retake them. I know that you can waive them if you are unconditionally admitted, but considering my GPA, I wouldn't be "unconditional," even though I've excelled in my social work courses. Just another question I'm too scared to call and ask. *blush*

I am extremely attached to my things. Big things, little things, important things, insignificant things. I keep movie ticket stubs, I keep clothes that don't fit (using the reason that they might fit me again someday- and when I look at them, I feel an urge to somehow get back to my lower weight once more), I keep books and movies, We still have my old TV in the house (TV/VCR combo- no DVD! I think they're extinct....it's an 11inch, too). For some reason, in my mind, it is rational to keep everything that may be of use sometime in the future, whether it be tomorrow or 20 years from now. A bit crazy, I know. I can't part with these things, though

It's getting to the point where my room is overstuffed with things. I have storage in my window seat (bay window in my bedroom....cool, right?), and I don't even know what's in there anymore, but I know it's something I once found important to keep for the future. My bookshelf cannot hold anymore books unless I start stacking them on top of each other, and I've got book/notebook/binder storage at my desk too. I have all my class notes in one notebook or another- and I can't take notes in the same notebook 2 semesters, because then I've got 2 classes in one notebook, and I lose notes. This may be of importance, especially for my social work stuff, but why am I concerned about my calculus notes, six years after taking the class? I have no idea. But I keep them anyway. I also keep my [social work] textbooks (but not the others, unless the bookstore won't buy them back from me).

Admission letters, certificates for everything from AB honor roll in middle school to admission to college, bank statements (you're supposed to keep those, though, right?), pay stubs, I have so many things filed away that I doubt I could find them if I needed them.....but I might need them someday!! So I have lots of stuff, and it needs to be cleaned up. The most relevant, necessary stuff, I have no problems finding, it's the stuff that I don't typically use that I'm worried about.

When I do have to part with something, it is usually a very emotional occasion for me. I get very upset, and I feel like I am losing a part of myself. Of course, this is not logical, but it's what goes through my mind. I haven't learnt to stop that yet! I've been told I should be on an episode of hoarders. Not funny. Ok, maybe a little, but still.

I also have a massive problem with hoarding pens and pencils. I also hoard other little things, like notebooks, air fresheners, books, bracelets, shoes (but I think that's a lady thing), hair products, pillows, lotions, SODAS!! Every time I see something I think is uber amazing, I must get it. I must find a way. If I have to skip a meal, fine. I cannot, though, ever sacrifice my morning and evening stops at QuikTrip (filling station for those not familiar with it). I fill my bottle with 1 flavor smoothie or icee (substitutes for ice- I hate ice; usually Melon-Berry, Blue Raspberry, or Wild Cherry), most of the way with Diet Pepsi, and the rest with vanilla flavoring. Then I usually grab something small with it, something I can consume in my car, as well as a drink for when I finish my Pepsi.

I'm an impulsive shopper. I've been working on it. I've improved, but still could use some work. If I had a paycheck, I'd be earning money, but I don't get paid, so I'm losing a lot. A lot of my parents' money, because I'm broke and they're loaning me money to support me until I graduate....then I don't know what will happen. Hopefully, I'll be able to move out and try to support myself, then eventually go for that masters' degree.

Until then, I'll be here, with my parents in the living room or sleeping all the way across the house, listening to the sound of my keyboard at night, worrying about exams and internships and finding a job, wondering where I'm going in life, and when I get there, where I'm gonna put all this stuff I've accumulated!!

Maybe I kept a drummer......

We all know the 12 days of Christmas song, I'm sure. And there are tons of parodies out there for that particular song- my brother was just playing the terrorist's 12 days of Christmas before he left for work. Every time I hear that song or a parody of it, though, I'm reminded of this song we learnt in middle school that is ALSO a parody of that song.....it just makes it a big more twisted.

1. The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight; and so I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite! Then with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge
2. The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves and very gently wrung the necks of both the turtle doves
3. The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup. I had to use the three french hens to make some chicken soup
4. The four calling birds were a big mistake for their language was obscene
5. The five golden rings were completely fake and they turned my fingers green.
6. The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn't lay. I sent the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA
7. On the seventh day what a mess I found, all the seven swimming swans had drowned.....
8. The eighth day after Christmas, I gathered up the........
1. 12 drummers drumming
2. 11 pipers piping
3. 10 lords-a-leaping
4. 9 ladies dancing
5. 8 maids a-milking....

(well, I may have kept one of the drummers) and sent them back COLLECT!  I wrote my true love, we are through love, and I said it in so many words, your Christmas gifts were the (four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pair treeeeee) birds!!

I'll never forget singing that in choir class. I also enjoyed the Carol of the Bells, to which I know all parts (1st and 2nd soprano AND alto), and I still don't resent it. Actually, I like the ones we sang in choir for some reason, and have a distaste for the rest. I sang in choir for many years- 2nd grade all the way until graduation. Then I didn't have a choir to join. I miss it, and I want to go back to it. *sigh*

It's come to my attention that I haven't bought anyone anything for Christmas yet, and my guilt is kind of starting to set in. I haven't had a job in over a year now, who's gonna want to hire me now? And I'm completely broke. I was so incredibly stupid for ruining what I had. Now that I realise it, there's nothing I can do about it, which is unfortunate.

It's been a depressing time, not having a job. I feel a bit inadequate, and kind of like a loser. I don't even have my degree yet, and I was supposed to (originally) graduate with the class in May '09. Now I'm going to be graduating with kids who were freshmen/sophomores when I graduated high school, and it's not because I skipped college or anything, but because I took so damn long. :( Not having a job, though, has given me more time to advance to a place where I'm much closer to graduation, and I'm starting to feel a little more confident, yet scared about it.

I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but I'm considering grad school, to become an LCSW (licensed clinical social worker) or LMSW (licensed masters' of social work). My parents don't seem to think I can do it. My aunt, though, who works at the University of North Texas, seems to think I can do it. Now, she works at a university. My parents never went to college. Who am I to believe? So I've been asking around. Some people do think I can handle it, the majority actually, but some know that I have my limits and it gets pretty bad and intense when I lose control of something.

Money would be an issue, because grad school is expensive! Although there are teaching positions that I could take, because a lot of graduate students take on the role of teaching some of the undergrad classes. Also, if I stay at UTA, I can waive between 17 and 20 credit hours, I think it is, meaning I'd knock out a LOT of classes right away. Plus I'd be familiar with the university, professors, buildings, classes, etc. and I enjoy learning. Plus I really want that Masters' degree! That night, my fortune cookie read: "You should tackle that task you've been considering".

Now, I know that fortune cookies from these restaurants are mass-made and they just have a bunch of phrases they put out there, but what are my chances of pulling THAT one on the night I had been discussing grad school with my aunt? I'm not a big believer in astrology or tarot cards or anything like that, or even fortune cookies, but....I think the stuff is interesting, and I'll probably have a blog on that on a later date.

Anyway, back to the topic, we put our tree up tonight, and I got out my little ghetto iridescent tree with my little blue and white ornaments and set it up. I finally found a practical use for my biology book- to stand on to make myself taller when I need to reach something!! LMAO. So our family tree is up and has lights, my ghetto tree is up (but is not going to have anything under it, sadly). Oh, and I start my internship Thursday. I'm uber nervous!

Well, it's getting late, so I'm gonna go, since I'm pretty tired, and it'll probably be good to start adjusting my body clock to match those of 8-5 people, since I have that internship. Honestly, I think everyone should conform to a later time, but some people are morning people, which I've just never understood- another potential future topic. Until then, auf weidersehen!

Home sweet homework

Now that I'm back in Texas, I'm a bit disappointed. I didn't do much "relaxing" on my weekend off. I did gamble the whole weekend on $20 (plus $10 one casino gave me for having a November birthday, lol). Other than that, though, all I did was the homework I could without an Internet connection or jump drive. It seems I just don't know how to take a break.

My biology prof gave me some food for thought today- see, fire is one of the few things that decomposes trees (besides certain fungi and Protista that live in termites- the termites cannot digest the wood, the Protista inside them do). She claimed that when we stopped letting the habitat use fires when necessary by letting them burn naturally, we are allowing sick trees to live because their environment won't support any of the other decomposers. This is an interesting thought...if we let fires burn until they endangered humans, what would the environment look like?

On another topic, my brother has claimed that it is people who drive slow whom are the ones causing most accidents. I can see how this is true among certain cases, such as those who slow down to text while they're driving, or those who are lost and paying more attention to street signs than traffic, but I don't think this is a generalization that can be made about all drivers. He thinks that if the speed limits were raised, it would be safer to drive. I disagree with this viewpoint- if you have a busy town and create a high speed limit, it won't eliminate traffic like he claims, or make it any safer. When going faster, the driver has less time to respond to the environment around them, and it's harder to predict what will happen. There will be those who drive even faster, weaving in and out of other cars, putting everyone in danger. There will still be people that drive slow.

I just don't see how a higher speed limit can be safer and prevent traffic. I mean, taking a look at highway driving through the cities; the speed limit may be 65-70, but along highways like I35W north and southbound through Fort Worth- when it's busy, it doesn't matter what the speed limit is, 50 or 70, you're still going to be driving at a snail's pace. What difference would raising the speed limit make?? If there are a lot of cars, there are a lot of cars, and that's that.

I also thought I'd mention something funny that my dad said- that Fox News is a reliable and honest source that presents all angles of politics, and that everything is factual- when, in fact, they present anything that doesn't fit their super-conservative perspective in a negative light, just convincing its viewers further that their ideology is the only proper ideology, and that all others are ruining the country. I'll have to find some vids or something where they present the liberal viewpoint- which will be a task itself- and prove just how biased they are. When I proposed this idea, he immediately jumped to the accusations (again) that my liberal professors are "brainwashing" me. Honestly? I take their views into consideration, I take conservative views into consideration, and I make up my own mind, which puts me outside the bipartisan system, because my views just don't fall within the spectrum of either party. To extreme conservatives like them, though, I am perceived as a threat, and my views, which are very much I the middle because I'm not extreme enough to fall elsewhere, seem extremely liberal- it's all about perspective. It's simply because I'm not nearly as conservative that they are. A liberal would probably see me as a conservative, and the conservatives would consider me a liberal.

Honestly, though? I don't see why it matters. I'm not the one destroying anything. I like the consideration of multiple viewpoints, and since my beliefs aren't usually represented, I choose to not become part of the sheeple that vote one way or the other because heir parents did, or because of ethnicity or gender like some do; some even vote for the other candidate simply because the first is ugly, or old, or has a big nose. What kind of politics is that?

I think that if they have enough prestige and knowledge to get to the election candidacy, then they are probably (key word being probably) competent enough to hold he office. Besides, none of our votes individually count- it's not the popular votes that win, it's the votes made by the electoral college. I can vote liberal 100 times in my county, which is very conservative, and I'd still lose the popular vote, and the representative, who is supposed to, generally, vote according to what their constituents would vote, would still vote the same. The popular vote is just a way to make people believe that their vote really does count, and many actually believe it.

Anyways, politics aren't exactly my cup of tea, so I'll change topics now.

I'm considering graduate school, once I get my BSW (Bachelor's of Social Work), but I'm not exactly sure whether I'll be able to. For one hing, graduate school is extremely expensive, and means additional schooling. It also means I probably won't be able to successfully hold a job- meaning less income, and living with my parents even longer. I think I've already overstayed my welcome. Besides, I've been dying for years to be on my own and away from my family enough to appreciate them more, instead of being around them constantly and getting exasperated of them. There's also my GPA, which is horrendous, not because I neglected school, but because my mental condition, coupled with a tendency to overwork myself and desire to do everthing and succeed, led to a detrimental downward spiral, very similar to the one I'm experiencing now, which hindered my academic performance tremendously. I often wonder what I could have done different that would fix things, but he only thing I can think of is lowering my goals, which seems disappointing and depressing.

I'm having trouble again now, because I'm taking upper level classes that no student should ever take concurrently, and expecting so much out of myself that it's draining me. Hence, my weekend off was spent doing not much more than homework and a few hours of gambling (oh, and 13-14 hours on the road, where I can't read). It's going to negatively affect something because I didn't work enough, and I'm already far enough behind. So, instead of being happy to be home, I'm quite frustrated and stressed because I've accomplished nothing, and now, if I try to take a rest, I'll be destroying everything. I just don't know what to do anymore....

Things aren't always what they seem to be

I've been having trouble with one of those kind of people lately. The ones that see only the face value, but don't look under the skin to fond the skeletons that are hidden inside. I mean, certainly, when someone is talking to someone and, by theory, is supposed to be nice to them, they're not going to show any type of malice in front if their friends. That being said, yes, I do have some things I'm lucky to have. Just don't take the face value and assume that means everything is fanfrickentastic.

I've finished my part of a school paper, which I'm pretty proud of seeing as there are several days until it is actually due. I'm really nervous, though, I've got 3 presentations coming up.

Look at the sky. What do you see? Is it going to be the same as someone in a different city? State? Country? It's important to take perspective into consideration when evaluating a situation.

Take, for example, a story I read a long time ago in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book. There is a story if a teacher with two quarreling students, so she asks them to step to the front of the room, having one stand on either side of her desk. Upon her desk, she places a contraption which is painted half black, half white, showing each student only one color.

When she asks the first student what color it was, the student responded that it was black- that's all the student could see.

When faced with the same question, the second student was convinced that OBVIOUSLY, the other student was wrong, the object was clearly white.

In reality, each student was only responding to what they saw, what was placed in front of them. They didn't see the other side, or the reasons for the other student's seemingly bizarre answer. When you take the time to stand where someone else does to try to understand what they see and why they believe the things they do, you gain a better understanding of yourself, the other person, and the situation in general.

This is related to another problem that I've come to face today. I'm in the process of deciding whether I should go to graduate school or not. I'd really like to if I could; I know money is tight, though, and my GPA is ultra-low, but it's really something I'd like to do, to go into the field I've been dying to go into. I see why it would be a burden, I also see opportunity, which is making it rough. None of my family has gone to grad school; none of us know what to expect. I do, however, realize the limitations of only having a Bachelor's degree, and the challenges I will face; I also see how it would be an extreme challenge/burden for me to tackle. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do. I have other things more present to worry about until then.

I encourage anyone that has the resources to continue their education...because there are some of us that want to, but can't. If you have the opportunity, no matter how old you are, go for it.

In the end, I'll probably end up working at least a few years before I'll be able to start a master's degree. That's what I had been thinking I'd have to do anyway before I even consider grad school. People say I'm smart. People say it'll work out for me. I certainly hope so, and I hope things work out for everyone else as well. Thanks to my readers for reading all this stuff, and I hope at least someone is getting something out of this. XXXXXXX