Day 13: Eye Opening

Day 13: Something or someone that has had a huge impact on my life

Without a doubt, that something would be an entity, a group of people I suppose, or I guess you could just say the profession, social work.

For a long time, I didn't know what I was doing. When I started college, and for a long time before, I had no idea where I was going with my life. I had a lot of troubles, which I really won't go into, and I kind of floated around trying to find my place. It didn't really work all that well for me, and I didn't ever find anything that really suited me that well. I wasn't happy with it, and, truth be told, a lot of things leading up to my "epiphany," if you will, probably made things worse.

In late 2006, I decided I was going to go the psychology route at the university, since that had been one of my favorite freshman classes. I had already taken a lot of the prerequisite courses, but in order to take higher level courses as a psychology major, I had to take a Research, Design, and Statistics course, part one and two. I took the first part, and kicked ass in the course, but my other courses suffered.

During the second part, in early 2007, I started having a lot of problems, and my grade reflected that. I had a (unavoidable) stint away from classes, which forced a lot of my grades down, including Research, Design, and Stats II. I never really liked the stats part anyway, but I was doing it because psychology was what I wanted.

After a rough semester, I pretty much stumbled my way to failure, and, when it all came to a close, we had to do some work to get things set straight. When I went to the academic advisor about the fall term, we had a talk about what went right and wrong, and I told her about what I liked and what I didn't. She then advised me, surprisingly, to go to the social work advisor and see if I liked the course of study there. They did a referral...what? I didn't know. I was stunned.

I did it. I took the intro course that fall, and I was stoked. I made my first A in a very long time. Things started to pick up for me. I felt a little better. I took more courses, and continued to make As in them. Not only was it giving me a higher GPA, which I so desperately needed, but it was boosting my self esteem, because I found something I was actually capable of doing well, learning, and succeeding, as well as something that would end up being my major.

I learned a lot of things about myself through social work, and a lot about coping skills, and through learning how to help other people, I also learned things I could do to help myself! *not a part of the degree plan, but definitely a positive side effect*

In the fall of 2009, I officially sent in the letter of application to declare a major in social work, and was accepted! For someone who, not too long before, had no idea where they were going, this was a huge step. Not only that, but I was making huge life changes. My attitude and functioning overall were drastically changed. People who take a look at my transcript, they can tell you that there's a major difference in my grades, a major transformation and improvement.

I look at the world differently. I look at myself differently. I have better coping, studying, self-awareness, communication, presentation, writing, and many other skills. Had it not been for social work, and that psychology advisor that told me I should check it out, I may not be finished with school yet. I may have still been fishing around. I may not have the knowledge and skills I've acquired by default from the classes I've taken. Self-regulation would be different. My attitude and communication would be different. I might not feel as capable because I wouldn't have the degree. I wouldn't have had the experience that my internship gave me, including the harsh lessons that I eventually learned...although harsh, they were, nevertheless, lessons learned.

Social work, as a whole, has had such a huge effect on my life that I just can't emphasize it enough. Even though I don't have a job, it does teach a lot of skills that can be applied anywhere, skills that you might not learn other places. The degree and the field is so versatile and has so many applications, and the scope of study so wide, that you learn so much. I love it. I hated some of the classes (note: very few, mostly those dealing with research and statistics...actually, just research and statistics), but in them, I learned a lot more than I thought I could.

Now, it will be a part of the rest of my life, as I wait for my license and a job. I want to go to grad school, too, for my masters' degree. In 2007, I never would have seen myself in graduate school. Now it's just something that I'm waiting for funds in order to achieve it. My job? It will be in social work. Yes, social work is a major part of my life.

So, has it had a huge impact on my life? Absolutely, and it will continue to do so. Thank you, social work, for showing me so many things I never knew, and for leading me through university and to a career that I'll enjoy.

Versatile blogger but still a failure at life

So, today was one of those days with an up-down kind of trend. I woke up this morning to find that one of the bloggers I follow, Lauren, has put me on the list of bloggers to whom she gave the "Versatile Blogger" award (ZOMG I was so shocked and excited!!) in her blog written Sunday. That was enough to keep me going most of the day....I got an award!! Yay!!

With the award, I must reveal dirty secrets give some random facts about myself.

1) I was born without tonsils. I've also been told I don't have wisdom teeth.
2) I lived in more places the first 6 years of my life than in the most recent 17
3) I don't like Chinese food, Asian food in general, spicy food, the majority of seafood, the majority of vegetables, Mexican food, beans, most things that have milk in them (yogurt, milk alone, I'll tolerate milk chocolate, love cheese...), most types of soda, and ICE.
4) I miss my brother.
5) My mini-Christmas tree is still assembled on my desk
6) Up until Christmas, I still had a TV/VCR combo in my room, without an attached DVD player. Old school!!
7) My clothes never make it into my closet. They might get folded or put on a hanger, but they usually end up elsewhere on a chair or something.
8) I was near to flunking out of college for a couple years because of extenuating circumstances
9) I like Aeropostale because they were established in 1987, my birth year, so I can have my birth year all over my clothes
10) I am a bookaholic and should probably also receive help for my internet addiction....

That completes 2/3 requirements:

• Requirement 1: Tell everyone who I received this award from (Lauren at The Blog You're About To Read)
• Requirement 2: Tell everyone my dirty secrets random facts
• Requirement 3: Pay it forward- give this award to seven others whom I think are totally frikken awesome & deserve it

So, my nominees are (I don't have many connections, so some of these might already have awards because they're so awesome, and if you're not included....I still love you). Because I read the blogs (blargs, in some cases) I love. But I'm limited to seven...:

1. Ah, the Possiblities!
2. Unladylike Behavior
3. I'd like cheese on my entire family!
4. Airing My Dirty Laundry, One Sock At A Time
5. Mumstrosity
6. Simply Kate
7. Woogsworld

Alright, that makes seven. Now I shall bore you with the rest of my day, including my rage that ensued from my horrible presentation.

Well, actually, my internship was pretty much normal as far as incidents go. Aside from the tornado sirens that started as I was leaving town, the day was pretty much incident-free. I still hate that they're moving things around and changing some of the functions within the program, but I guess it's worth a shot, right? We also discussed summer plans and my schedule, just for planning purposes.

Then I went to school. Today was that presentation that counts for quite a percentage of my grade. Of all the students, I was THE ONE she called out (and cut my presentation short). I didn't get to finish. She said we were short on time. All the other presenters went without anything being said. I tried to show her that I had ONE SINGLE slide left, but she's probably going to count off for a) wanting to continue presenting, and b) the material that wasn't presented; because she didn't see it, she's going to assume it's not there, and I'll be extremely, perhaps overly, upset over it. I was crying trying to get her to listen to me, but she was cold-hearted and cruel, ignoring everything I said.

Honestly, I think she didn't like me from day one. I asked a lot of questions over the semester. I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. I think that annoyed her. Argh. Now, when it comes time for grades, she's gonna be uber pissed, and probably mark off as many points as she can. And I'll do poorly in the class because of it. Thankfully, I don't have to have her class next semester, because she only teaches the first seminar. Unfortunately, her opinion will factor into my GPA and leave a big red pimple on the beauty that is my Social Work GPA. *scowl* and I worked so hard for that class!

Why is it that when I work hard for something, I end up failing? I don't get it. Reminds me of this song I used to listen to years ago with my then-best friend- Linkin' Park "In the End"

I tried so hard, and got so far

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

Sound about right? Yep. I've been working hard my entire university career. I worked hard at my jobs. I always work hard. I don't just sit off and observe, or do a halfway job. I put everything into the things that I do. And it hurts tremendously when I fail. I'm sure (or at least I hope) I'm not the only one like this. It just is painful to put so much of yourself into something only to fail.

Why must I fail? I guess that's the natural order of things. It's taken me six years to finish a four year degree. I've held 2 full-time jobs, a volunteer type job for a bit, and now an internship. I never stopped going to school, but for a while, I was tiptoeing the line toward being kicked out. I went to class and completed the assignments, but always fell short. Especially in the sciences and history/politics. I'm sure that would have been the case with English and Math too, had I been required to take them (I tested out in high school with the AP exams). It's hard to not get down on yourself when this is the kind of stuff you face.

I was class salutatorian in high school, and Ms. I-do-everything-under-the-sun. I was smart. Of course, I was hiding the fact that secretly, I wasn't happy with my life at all, I was doing as many things as I could to make it look like I was happy.

Then I went to college. I started failing things. I got less involved. I never made any (close) friends once we moved here whilst I was still in high school, and I haven't made any (close) college friends....just some acquaintances that seem to fall off the face of the planet once the semester I am taking a class with them ends. You know, those people you talk to, but once the semester is over, their number changes, or they stop responding to you? Yea, I've got a lot of those.

Anyway, I have an economics exam tomorrow, and a psych exam to type up tomorrow after I'm done studying, so....I guess this is it. All I have to say. See how interesting I am (not)? Auf weidersehen.

2010 Rundown

Now that it's almost the end of 2010, I just want to look back at some of the things that have happened this year...even though not a lot has happened lol.

January- I got officially admitted to the school of social work, allowing me to begin my upper level courses; I went to the hospital because of an issue I was having and missed the first week of Spanish class....!! That alone brought my grade down significantly. I got pulled over because a cop suspected a DUI, when I was on the way to the doctor, but didn't give me a ticket. Another time, I took a spill at the end of the driveway, when I was trying to exercise more. Ended up skinning my knee and, oddly enough, my chin. Yes, my chin. And not the bottom of the chin either!! I don't claim to be the most graceful person ever.....

February- School, and I cut off a friendship gone south at a time that I felt was best for both me and the other person. We also had the record snowfall in the written history of Texas, and it was a blast! We'll probably never see another snowfall like that in my lifetime. *knock on wood*

March- Car wreck that still rings in my memory all the time. My car was declared totaled, but my dad had the tow truck drop it at his office, and he and my mother made repairs to it, replacing half of what was the front end. I spent spring break at home because I didn't have transportation. My Spanish professor kind of threatened to kick me out of class, and I couldn't understand her reasoning, just because I asked questions that made her think I guess, I don't know.

April- I was forced by the state of Texas to take a driving exam to prove that I was, in fact, capable of driving, because the cop that initially arrived at the scene of the accident was also the one that pulled me over for a DUI. Sucks living in a small town, right? I hit a downward spiral, but I couldn't let anyone know at the time. I got my car back toward the middle of the month.

May- I finished my spring classes relatively easily, scoring an A in all of my classes except Spanish. The rundown? This is my first semester with only one grade that was lower than a B. TCC- Microsoft Office- Word 2007: A, Business Law: A, UTA- Human Behavior and the Social Environment: A, Intermediate Spanish III: C. I tripped in the middle of the street during finals week, ruining another pair of jeans and skinning the same knee as before. Luckily, the light was red long enough for me to run to the sidewalk and try to get it to stop bleeding before hobbling to my car.

June- For the first time, I take summer courses. Relatively uneventful month. Went to Six Flags with my little sister a couple times, because we get season passes every year. Well, for the past couple years anyway.

July- We take our shortest ever vacation to St. Louis, because I have finals the week after the holiday. In our time there, we went to the casino, spent a lot of time at my grandparents' house, went to a 4th of July celebration at my aunt's house, then left. It was short & sweet. Hate that we had to drive so far & back for such a short visit. Courses run smoothly- I ace both my midterms. I apply for a job at the new HEB that's opening in town, the only one in the Ft Worth area. I make it through 3 levels of interviews, just to get a rejection email 2-3 weeks later. Bummer.

August- I complete my first summer semester with an A in both classes, my first 4.0 semester. Social Work Practice II and Social Statistics (I'd failed stats once before, so I was so psyched about this!!). Fair amount of space in between semesters, then I start the fall. The Wednesday before the classes begin, I am at my aunt's house, and I fall down ONE stair, and sprain my ankle. I bounce back quickly, though, and I'm off crutches soon after.

September- I begin this blog!! September 1 :) & in its first month I get more than 100 viewers. WOW. The guy that's been kind of laying low, but sending me messages for the past year returns, and I'm eventually forced to call the police on him after he shows up at the university (he's a non-student), finds my car, parks, enters the building to find me, and traces me down. I've been sent numerous messages online and had passively told him to leave me alone, but ended up having to bring the UTA police AND the city police into it. He stops contacting me after an officer calls and warns him to leave me alone.

October- It's becoming obvious that my research professor has taken a strong dislike toward me. There's not much I can do about it except work harder on my assignments, but I still fall face first on the midterm ending up with a 60-something on the exam, 76 average overall at the midterm. Crappy! I apply for my field placement, and get an interview set up. I sprained my knee....come to find out, I had been overcompensating from when I sprained my ankle....this time I was on crutches for like a month. I still have knee pain. I really screw up the lab midterm in bio, but I don't really care because so far, my lecture marks have been great.

November- My 23rd birthday. I write so many papers that I feel like I'm churning out a book, seriously. I have a ton of presentations too, all right before Thanksgiving, and, unfortunately all in the same day. Surprisingly, I get great feedback (as far as my portion goes) on all the presentations. Score! Unfortunately, my research prof still doesn't like me, and gives me a 55 on a paper that, had I had 1 more hour, would have been 100x better. I asked for one hour. She denied it. #$%^&. I find out that I've received my internship at MHMR Tarrant County, which makes me ecstatic....it's the closest thing I've had to a job in nearly a year!!

December- Somehow, I don't know if hell froze over, or if the cat did the grading, or perhaps she was just drunk, but I get a B in Research. Statistically, in my head, it doesn't add up, but I'm not gonna complain! I got As in both my other UTA classes, which I feel like I deserved because I really worked my ass off. This was the roughest semester of my undergraduate career, and I took 2 classes together that I shouldn't have, for scheduling purposes. I get a B in biology at TCC, which is fine because it transfers as credit hours, and my TCC GPA is still in the green. I start & finish training for my internship. I'm CPR certified, I've learnt about client rights and confidentiality and seizures and self-defense. I have a party where I drink so much (and take so much klonopin), that after smoking, I have an asthma attack and pass out-whether from the attack or from the alcohol & meds, I don't know. First party in years. I still had a blast. I think. I get back some feedback on the papers that I mostly wrote while my group members stood by idly and added a little bit, and I pretty much outwrote all of them. Hey hey!!

Stellar grades (3rd straight semester with nothing less than a C, 2nd with nothing less than a B!), a year now that I've not been in the hospital (even though I had some incidents....lol), a great party, a stalker, a car wreck that has wrecked me (I still have nightmares where I cross Hillside on 731 into a red Escalade), many many injuries (I never claimed to be graceful), the beginning of a blog that's nearing 500 views, and several friends added up and lost along the way. I think I can do better, though. Here's to the end of 2010, and the beginning of the year 2011, the year I graduate college (and consider grad school). Cheers!

Home sweet homework

Now that I'm back in Texas, I'm a bit disappointed. I didn't do much "relaxing" on my weekend off. I did gamble the whole weekend on $20 (plus $10 one casino gave me for having a November birthday, lol). Other than that, though, all I did was the homework I could without an Internet connection or jump drive. It seems I just don't know how to take a break.

My biology prof gave me some food for thought today- see, fire is one of the few things that decomposes trees (besides certain fungi and Protista that live in termites- the termites cannot digest the wood, the Protista inside them do). She claimed that when we stopped letting the habitat use fires when necessary by letting them burn naturally, we are allowing sick trees to live because their environment won't support any of the other decomposers. This is an interesting thought...if we let fires burn until they endangered humans, what would the environment look like?

On another topic, my brother has claimed that it is people who drive slow whom are the ones causing most accidents. I can see how this is true among certain cases, such as those who slow down to text while they're driving, or those who are lost and paying more attention to street signs than traffic, but I don't think this is a generalization that can be made about all drivers. He thinks that if the speed limits were raised, it would be safer to drive. I disagree with this viewpoint- if you have a busy town and create a high speed limit, it won't eliminate traffic like he claims, or make it any safer. When going faster, the driver has less time to respond to the environment around them, and it's harder to predict what will happen. There will be those who drive even faster, weaving in and out of other cars, putting everyone in danger. There will still be people that drive slow.

I just don't see how a higher speed limit can be safer and prevent traffic. I mean, taking a look at highway driving through the cities; the speed limit may be 65-70, but along highways like I35W north and southbound through Fort Worth- when it's busy, it doesn't matter what the speed limit is, 50 or 70, you're still going to be driving at a snail's pace. What difference would raising the speed limit make?? If there are a lot of cars, there are a lot of cars, and that's that.

I also thought I'd mention something funny that my dad said- that Fox News is a reliable and honest source that presents all angles of politics, and that everything is factual- when, in fact, they present anything that doesn't fit their super-conservative perspective in a negative light, just convincing its viewers further that their ideology is the only proper ideology, and that all others are ruining the country. I'll have to find some vids or something where they present the liberal viewpoint- which will be a task itself- and prove just how biased they are. When I proposed this idea, he immediately jumped to the accusations (again) that my liberal professors are "brainwashing" me. Honestly? I take their views into consideration, I take conservative views into consideration, and I make up my own mind, which puts me outside the bipartisan system, because my views just don't fall within the spectrum of either party. To extreme conservatives like them, though, I am perceived as a threat, and my views, which are very much I the middle because I'm not extreme enough to fall elsewhere, seem extremely liberal- it's all about perspective. It's simply because I'm not nearly as conservative that they are. A liberal would probably see me as a conservative, and the conservatives would consider me a liberal.

Honestly, though? I don't see why it matters. I'm not the one destroying anything. I like the consideration of multiple viewpoints, and since my beliefs aren't usually represented, I choose to not become part of the sheeple that vote one way or the other because heir parents did, or because of ethnicity or gender like some do; some even vote for the other candidate simply because the first is ugly, or old, or has a big nose. What kind of politics is that?

I think that if they have enough prestige and knowledge to get to the election candidacy, then they are probably (key word being probably) competent enough to hold he office. Besides, none of our votes individually count- it's not the popular votes that win, it's the votes made by the electoral college. I can vote liberal 100 times in my county, which is very conservative, and I'd still lose the popular vote, and the representative, who is supposed to, generally, vote according to what their constituents would vote, would still vote the same. The popular vote is just a way to make people believe that their vote really does count, and many actually believe it.

Anyways, politics aren't exactly my cup of tea, so I'll change topics now.

I'm considering graduate school, once I get my BSW (Bachelor's of Social Work), but I'm not exactly sure whether I'll be able to. For one hing, graduate school is extremely expensive, and means additional schooling. It also means I probably won't be able to successfully hold a job- meaning less income, and living with my parents even longer. I think I've already overstayed my welcome. Besides, I've been dying for years to be on my own and away from my family enough to appreciate them more, instead of being around them constantly and getting exasperated of them. There's also my GPA, which is horrendous, not because I neglected school, but because my mental condition, coupled with a tendency to overwork myself and desire to do everthing and succeed, led to a detrimental downward spiral, very similar to the one I'm experiencing now, which hindered my academic performance tremendously. I often wonder what I could have done different that would fix things, but he only thing I can think of is lowering my goals, which seems disappointing and depressing.

I'm having trouble again now, because I'm taking upper level classes that no student should ever take concurrently, and expecting so much out of myself that it's draining me. Hence, my weekend off was spent doing not much more than homework and a few hours of gambling (oh, and 13-14 hours on the road, where I can't read). It's going to negatively affect something because I didn't work enough, and I'm already far enough behind. So, instead of being happy to be home, I'm quite frustrated and stressed because I've accomplished nothing, and now, if I try to take a rest, I'll be destroying everything. I just don't know what to do anymore....

Things aren't always what they seem to be

I've been having trouble with one of those kind of people lately. The ones that see only the face value, but don't look under the skin to fond the skeletons that are hidden inside. I mean, certainly, when someone is talking to someone and, by theory, is supposed to be nice to them, they're not going to show any type of malice in front if their friends. That being said, yes, I do have some things I'm lucky to have. Just don't take the face value and assume that means everything is fanfrickentastic.

I've finished my part of a school paper, which I'm pretty proud of seeing as there are several days until it is actually due. I'm really nervous, though, I've got 3 presentations coming up.

Look at the sky. What do you see? Is it going to be the same as someone in a different city? State? Country? It's important to take perspective into consideration when evaluating a situation.

Take, for example, a story I read a long time ago in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book. There is a story if a teacher with two quarreling students, so she asks them to step to the front of the room, having one stand on either side of her desk. Upon her desk, she places a contraption which is painted half black, half white, showing each student only one color.

When she asks the first student what color it was, the student responded that it was black- that's all the student could see.

When faced with the same question, the second student was convinced that OBVIOUSLY, the other student was wrong, the object was clearly white.

In reality, each student was only responding to what they saw, what was placed in front of them. They didn't see the other side, or the reasons for the other student's seemingly bizarre answer. When you take the time to stand where someone else does to try to understand what they see and why they believe the things they do, you gain a better understanding of yourself, the other person, and the situation in general.

This is related to another problem that I've come to face today. I'm in the process of deciding whether I should go to graduate school or not. I'd really like to if I could; I know money is tight, though, and my GPA is ultra-low, but it's really something I'd like to do, to go into the field I've been dying to go into. I see why it would be a burden, I also see opportunity, which is making it rough. None of my family has gone to grad school; none of us know what to expect. I do, however, realize the limitations of only having a Bachelor's degree, and the challenges I will face; I also see how it would be an extreme challenge/burden for me to tackle. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do. I have other things more present to worry about until then.

I encourage anyone that has the resources to continue their education...because there are some of us that want to, but can't. If you have the opportunity, no matter how old you are, go for it.

In the end, I'll probably end up working at least a few years before I'll be able to start a master's degree. That's what I had been thinking I'd have to do anyway before I even consider grad school. People say I'm smart. People say it'll work out for me. I certainly hope so, and I hope things work out for everyone else as well. Thanks to my readers for reading all this stuff, and I hope at least someone is getting something out of this. XXXXXXX