Thankful Thursday- After Class is Out

I'm lucky to have this person in my life. I'm lucky, because I was a good student, and attracted the attention of many a teacher, to have the memory of many of the teachers that I worked with in the past.

This Thursday, I'm going to post about my thankfulness for Dr. B.

When I was in year 10 in school, I was taking Spanish, and on the way to lunch one day, he walked into the classroom (this was in 2002, mind you), and was talking to my teacher at the time, when my teacher introduced me as a learning sponge, who picked up everything very quickly, and was very intelligent. I was shocked- this teacher hardly knew me at the time! I was new at the school, so hardly anyone knew me! Nevertheless, Dr. B took note, and would occasionally talk to me when he saw me. It was also quite funny that his older daughter was in half my classes, because she too was an academic achiever, and was in the advanced classes as I was.

The next year, they added what would be the equivalent of a homeroom class to the schedule, divided by last name, and whose class would I end up in but Dr. B's? Certainly this was fate. I ended up doing UIL (it's a Texas competition regulation) academic activities. He was a coach- he watched many of the things I did in some of the other teams. Soon he asked me to participate in Social Studies as well. Seeing as that was not one of my stronger subjects, I declined that year. He still watched what I did in my Spanish and other classes, and was always telling me that I was "Destined for greatness". These words are...very much etched in my head.

My senior year of high school, I finally decided to participate in Social Studies UIL. I was also in gobs of other activities, but I gave it my all. He watched me do all this, all the time warning me not to overwhelm myself- and again, he was my something-like-homeroom teacher (they kept the students together with the same teacher). He would practice with me during "homeroom" unless I was doing my other academic UIL stuff, or my advanced class homework, or off doing colorguard practice or something. He also helped with Spanish, if I needed it (very rarely I did). He came to graduation (typically the teachers do- plus he had a daughter graduating).

Throughout the years after high school, we kept up when visiting during Friday night football games, or I would visit the school during the day. He would ask how college was going- there were ups and downs, of course. He would always give me pep talks, and talk about what an intelligent person I was. I always felt a bit better after talking to him.

Now the school is a bit more hardcore with their security- nobody in or out of the school  unless they go through the office, and they even have it rigged to where you can't get in unless you go through the office. I visit him sometimes, for resumé help and such, and he's helping me with my job hunt. Almost 10 years post-high school (holy crap, it's been that long???) and we still keep in touch, very much so. His younger daughter is in marching band with my younger sister, and we go to the Friday night games still. My sister has him for Spanish class.

It's still good to see him every once in a while and get his pep talks. This week, I'm thankful for the people who stick with you, the teachers who keep track of you after high school, give you pep talks, and even help you after you've graduated high school, even in different fields, because they truly care. I'm thankful for Ms. C, Ms. B, Mr. S, and most of all Dr. B (he's the one helping the most), because without them, who knows where I'd be? Heck, they were my teachers then, and they're helping me now. I'm thankful for the opportunities I've had to keep in touch with them, and other teachers not listed for a lack of a full list sitting in front of me, because they've really made a difference, even after I've left the classroom.

Thank you, Dr. B, for helping me out, even though you may never read this. I hope you do, but if you don't, I'm still thanking you, and thankful for your help.

Books over toys

Day 7: Your favorite childhood toys

I honestly don't remember having any favorite toys. I remember having barbies, but they were always put away. I remember having Polly Pockets, but they were always in my bottom desk drawer. My favorite toys were books. I loved my books. Dictionaries, encyclopedias, fiction, anything I could get my hands on.

Yes, I was a very strange child indeed.

I still am very strange. Half my moving out and moving back in when we were recarpeting involved books. I had more books than anything else. I was too ashamed to count how many boxes of books I actually had. Not to mention binders and notebooks...

I write. I read. I love words. I can't remember a time when this wasn't true. I knew how to spell hippopotamus in kindergarten. I was exempt from a spelling test in 4th grade because I was the only person in the class to spell chlorophyll correctly. I took pride in spelling acetylsalicylic acid correctly in the 6th grade, antidisestablishmentarianism in the 5th. In high school, I almost made it to state, but rendezvous kicked my butt, although I got flibbertigibbet, among other words (we didn't get those back). I've taken pride in learning hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia and pneunonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

I continue to search. My bookshelf hasn't stopped growing. My love for books hasn't, either. Even when college textbooks were abound, there was always an astray fiction book...I couldn't let go.

In that way, I'm still a child. I still play with my toys. In a way, I'm becoming more of a child, because I love stuffed animals so much more now. I'm attached to my sock monkey- he's even been featured here a few times. As for actual toys...I still haven't come up with any really. Are rollerblades toys? I went rollerblading when I was a tween, with my friend. I'd never go back there, though. Or maybe we could consider my laptop a toy.

OK, I'm sounding way too geeky now.

Deuces!!

The compliment dilemma

Well, it turns out all semester I've been sending my psychology assignments to the wrong email address....DERP!! I finally got it straightened out last night, and was elated to get this email from my professor today:

This is Rock-Star-Psyc-Major level work.  Excellent at all levels.  Thanks for putting in so much effort.

That was not the response I expected!! Granted, I am a social work major, and if I make it to grad school, my intended concentration would be mental health. (Considering asking this guy for a recommendation- Excellent professor, Dr. in the field, extensive experience, very wise and intellectual man). Now I just have to finish the short 2 take home exams, and I'll be finished with that class!

What excites me the most about this is that I am NOT a psych major- I actually dropped it because there was too much research involved, and I am not a scientific/research type of person. Apparently, though, I have a lot of the knowledge necessary to go into my desired field, which is so similar to psychology (besides the lower level of research and increased field experience) that it's uncanny. I love it! My confidence level just went through the ROOF!

On the other hand, I have an economics class to keep up with. Now, my professor has told me that in order to fail, I pretty much have to bomb the rest of the assignments and exams because I am on the A/B border. It would be great to earn an A in a course I absolutely detest!! I mean, all I need is a C to transfer, and he says I shouldn't even be worried about that. I still am. I can't help but worry. I mean, if I don't pass ECON, then I have to retake it over the summer, or take it in the fall, which would delay my receiving of my degree until December, which I do not want to do. I've been studying for this next exam, Tuesday night, like a maniac....

But I've got that presentation Monday. I probably won't *really* be able to focus until Monday night, after the presentation is over. I also accidentally printed too many pages from the lab printer- d'oh. I had to print the note pages for the presentation! Otherwise I'll forget my words and flop around like a fish up there. I can communicate this way, no problem. I can write papers well, apparently, even if I'm as unsure of myself as I was about the psychology assignments that I did a "psych-major" level job on. I know that he said he had most of the class redo the assignment...so I suppose that's a good sign when he says not only did I do well, but a psych major level!

Unfortunately, I do horribly taking compliments. I am able to say thank you, and smile, but in my mind, I cannot believe the compliments. It's like I can't comprehend why someone would want to give me a compliment. I don't deserve compliments! There's this wrong with me, and that wrong with me, and this and that too. I've learned to keep the objections to the compliments to myself, for the most part, but it's difficult to connect good things with myself. I struggle with this daily. I can't even compliment myself!! If it's something good, it cannot be about me!!

In fact, it's taken me a long time to stop strongly rejecting any and every compliment. Even the above comment from Dr. O? My first thought was "Is he looking at the right student's email?" Of course, could he have responded to the original email from the wrong person with the text that I wrote in there and my attachments on there? No....but in my mind, I was trying to make a reason.

I wonder, though, from where this stems. Why is it that compliments are so freakin hard for me to accept? I'm even still waiting for the "but" clause to arrive in my inbox--BUT you got the wrong idea. BUT your writing wasn't good enough. BUT you should have sent it to the right email address sooner (thank goodness that Word documents the last update made to each document).

Luckily, I am two assignments ahead in that class, and only have the take-home exams to finish. The questions on the take-home exams seem simple enough, asking about things I already know about. Good thing is, a lot of the work we are doing is related to abnormal psychology, which I'm taking in the second half of the summer session.

I'm still contemplating, though, why it is so hard for me to accept compliments. What, besides low self-esteem, could make a person reject compliments, verbally or internally, as strongly as I do? I haven't any theories; I can read other people and usually target their issue and help them with it, but when it comes to myself, I just plain don't understand. From what I have been told, I have NO reason whatsoever to be so insecure, yet I am.

From an early age, I was advanced in my classes and my intellect. When moving from Hawaii to Texas, they tried to hold me back a grade because of my age, but my parents convinced them by having them test my reading level- there was no way they'd put me back in kindergarten after they saw the results, unless I "fell behind". To this day, a good friend of mine, Valerie, remembers when I joined the class, and she was no longer the best reader. We didn't have it out though, or anything like that. She was actually the first person in the class to really talk to me. And we still talk, although not as often.

That alone should be an ego boost...and it gets better. I was the youngest person in my class because of this special exception they made, and I was always near the top of the class. Although I never tested into TAG, the talented and gifted program in Killeen, I was always placed in the class with the TAG students. I cried when I got my first B in 3rd grade- an 89- I didn't get the 7 times tables. (I still have a bit of trouble with the 7 tables, even though 7 is my favorite number- I have to think through it).

I was a straight A student in all these advanced classes, even through middle school. The only class I ever had trouble with in elementary/middle school is TAG Algebra I- but I had no previous algebra experience- I never even took pre-algebra. I dove straight from basic 7th grade level math to an accelerated Algebra I. Those problems resolved, however, and I did much better in classes that followed. My 8th grade Algebra teacher had nearly no faith in my ability to do Algebra. I'll come back to this in a second.

When I transferred high schools, I finally got a class ranking- 2/232. In a class of students all older than me (and more than one person has said that the valedictorian kind of cheated her way there to begin with, but that's a whole different story). I competed in multiple academic competitions through UIL (for those who don't know- it's a state organization of ALL activities, from sports to music to academics, with rules and regulations regarding each one, that governs competition in Texas). I competed in history (2005 State Champs!!!!), Spelling (5th in the region- see blog about rendezvous HERE because my perfectionism is well explained- I almost made it to state!), maths, number sense (calculations in your head- no calculator or scratch paper), calculator, creative writing, and science, among others, at one time or another. I also competed in Choir- Division II 9th and 11th grade, Division I 10th and 12th grade, as well as a Division II at state my senior year.

So how on earth could a person like this be so insecure about their achievements and any accomplishments that come their way? Even then, it was never good enough. I still cannot seem to find "good enough". When speaking with my economics professor tonight about my grade, he commented that it was quite strange that I was so worried about my grade, even though I had been showing excellent performance. I know that I tend to be a perfectionist, but looking at my past, I can't imagine why I can't accept a compliment. I worked hard, I got good grades, I participated in a thousand after-school activities, what does this stem from?

Theoretically, it might be from some type of....issue that I have. I'm not sure how true this is, because my parents don't believe this stuff existed before that psychology class....but don't take into account that I couldn't initiate a visit with anyone before I turned 18, which was after I finished my psychology course. And, sadly, knowing as much about psychology as I do, seeing as I did a "rock-star-psych-major" job on my assignments, I'm having trouble figuring out why I can't figure it out!!!


It's late, and I can't really seem to get my mind off this, so this is all I'll write about now. I need to learn about taking compliments, and I've got some studying to do for class. I've also got a powerpoint presentation to finish, as well as the take home exam, and some exercises from the course tutor from my economics class, so I can be prepared. My meeting at 2:30 tomorrow is cancelled, so I'm in the clear there. In fact, I've probably gotten enough hours this week that I could likely take the day off, but I have an individual session to do before the end of the week. I'd rather not go up there Saturday. Oh, and I need some rest. That might be important. There will be a more interesting blog coming up sometime soon. ;)

Rendezvous and perfection

All eyes are on me.....or they will be next week. I make a presentation on a case at my internship next week. Unfortunately, until tonight, I thought it was just over what we are doing at our internship. Now I have to pick a case (or more than one if I choose)....well, I was supposed to do that before, but didn't realise it.

I also have lost 7 points on 1 paper because I didn't make it to that class because of some stuff at my internship. Now I'm standing on the borderline of A and B, so this presentation must be absolutely perfect. I know my stuff though, and I love my internship, so why is this so much of a problem?

I HAVE PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.

When I get in front of people, I feel like I'm going to faint. Everyone's beady eyes are focused on me, some because they want to listen, others because they know they'll have participation points removed if they don't watch. And they'll be judging me. With their little beady eyes. That, or trying to play with their iPhones tastefully hidden behind their purse on their desk. (not that I'm biased- but we only have two or three guys in our graduating class. So generally, it's behind the purses. And I'm not joking. Social work tends not to be a male profession).

I also tend to ramble. Sometimes randomly. Because I get nervous and forget where I'm going. Sometimes, I even feel the need to fill the notes section of the powerpoint, just so I know I won't forget everything. Then I still ramble. Then someone will ask a question, and, because I (sadly) know a lot about MH/SA, I tend to answer, and then go off on tangents.

My presentation. I had it done two weeks early. I never finish ANYTHING two weeks early. Click HERE to see a blog written about my procrastination....while I was procrastinating on a psychology assignment. I might post my powerpoint here for critique, just because, (with my last name not showing, of course, because I'm so paranoid that someone will come hunt me down and murder me or something....by the way, please don't.)....Maybe I'll end up getting some good feedback.

PS- Dr. O, it would help if you would give me a due date, because otherwise, it might be the end of the semester before I do this stuff. I don't work well if there's not a deadline. I would also like to know if you ever received my first assignment, because it would have been wiped off my jump drive, and I'd have to redo that one too. On a manic day, I completed all the rest of the assignments and one of the two (very simple) take-home exams...I know about personality disorders already, so I flew through it, when I finally got to doing it. But I don't want to send this stuff into cyberspace for it to just disappear forever.

For right now, I will be re-making the powerpoint because- fault #2- I am a perfectionista, and right now, it is not up to my standards. It actually makes me want to cry because I feel like it's so awful. I am the type that will do, redo, and redo an assignment to death, just to make it perfect. Or keep improving, at least. Because it's never good enough. EVER. I will be agonising over this until I get my final grade. Then I will continue to critique my powerpoint. Although there will be nothing I can change, I will continue to think about what I messed up.

For example- a situation where I will never forget what I did wrong- Regional competition for UIL (University Interscholastic League- a "organisation" in Texas that allows students to compete with other students in a variety of things- football and other sports, music and other arts, and of course academics. I was always an academic. I missed senior prom because I was in San Angelo competing in an academic competition. Seriously. I could have gone back for prom that night, but I decided to stay and compete. *places geek sticker on forehead* (and yes, I was technically in the marching band- so I'm a band geek too. Or, well, technically, guard nerd. If you catch my drift.) That year, I spelt rendezvous wrong on the test. I don't know why or how, but I did. I will never again forget that word. I was like 2 points (which would be 1 or 2 questions depending on the section of the test I was on) from qualifying for state. I missed rendezvous. Why, why, why??? I counted the state scores from region- I was in the top 20ish area. But I didn't get to go to state. I will never again forget how to spell rendezvous....which is sad because I'll never have that opportunity again. I was *makes gesture* this close. THIS CLOSE!! to state competition. *facepalm* moving along.

So now, my readers know that I am terribly frightened of all those eyes staring at me while I have a presentation. If you are to view my presentation, please don't laugh when I get terrified. although I don't think any of my classmates are readers. I can talk one on one, no big deal. Small group....makes me a little anxious. Big group makes me want to run out of the room as if my seat is on fire, or as though I smell really good food cooking and haven't eaten in weeks.

However, since neither of those has happened, as one can tell by my not-so-fit physique and lack of burned-bottom, I don't know how fast I would be running. But I can assure you that's how fast I would probably run, if I could. I'm not looking forward to this. It's a week away and I'm already panicking- goodness, help us all, I will be speaking in front of a large group of people. Not only that, but I'll be fretting about my powerpoint and whether it is perfect. Whether I spelt everything right. Whether I answered all the questions, even though I've gone through what I already have about 10 times making sure it was all in there. Of course, after misreading the directions, I trust myself even less. Here goes the night- time to work on that presentation. Powerpoint will be up probably Wed or Thurs depending on how quickly I can mend the errors I've made. And on how quickly I can convince myself that there is no way I can change it and make it any better.

Even then, I will still be scrutinising it to death in my head. And probably write a blog or two to get away from it for a while. But still thinking about it the whole time. Of course, by nature. I can't let myself lose a few points here or there; they add up. This presentation....must....be.....perfect. -_- Obsessiveness at its finest.