27 April 2011

Been there, done that

It's good to have some friends on your side, but what happens when those friends use your trust in them as a weapon against you? It becomes hard to trust people. I have a particular problem with trusting people, especially recently, for certain my own reasons. Who do you turn to when you're having trust problems? I really don't know. I've gained and lost so many friends that I may as well be a hermit have lost faith in humanity kind of feel lonely. 

I know that in the past, I've had people I could confide in, and I also know that there are a few people who wish I would confide in them...alas, I can't. Trust issues linger. I've got some things going on in my life that are really screwing things up bringing me down. It sucks to be alone in this type of situation, but really, who is there to talk to when you have trouble trusting people? Heck, the majority of the stuff that I need to talk about isn't worth mentioning hides in the dark corners of my mind. 

Being a (future) social worker, I know that this stuff is important. I've been through these classes (now, but I didn't know what it was all about when things started to get bad at first- 
  • note- freshman psychology doesn't teach you about this stuff- they spend one week on an overview of mental health stuff, the rest on the biology and crap which is incredibly boring... fascinating, but not what I'm into. I also took that class when I was 17. Thus, nothing mentioned was "learned" in that class that pertains to me. 
*puts away soapbox*

I know there are "people" to talk to....but I don't quite trust them either. Even though I should. Even though I hope to will be one of them. (Positive thinking, positive thinking!)

I still face the I-don't-know-who-to-talk-to syndrome though. Mainly because of my future occupation- I don't want what's going on with me to affect my internship or job status at all. 

I'm not happy with myself. I need to lose like 80lb right now. I'm not quite shaped right. My feet are small (but that's ok). My hair is annoying. My nose looks funny. I'm annoying. I'm have less mental acuity than I once had (and I'm not quite old yet). I really suck at science and business stuff, and anything else I might find that's boring. I have few to no social skills, although I can share how to acquire social skills with other people. I'm too stressed all the time. I want to clean everything out of my room and start over. I miss who I was in high school, because I was good at things then. I'm alone, and I've always been single. (Yes, that means I've never had a real boyfriend)

Why do I say real? There was a guy when I was in 8th grade, I would have been 12 at the time, who asked me out....on a dare. Then broke up with me the next day because he actually didn't like me. That....is not a real boyfriend. That is someone who was being a jackass in front of his friends, typical for a kid that age, but still hurtful.

No, I'm not always funny or happy. Like now. I handle it. I don't know how. I've been told if there was a market for making people feel helpless, I would be able to create hefty earnings in that area. It's not my intention. Maybe that's why so many push away. So, maybe I don't handle it effectively, but I put on a good front (for the most part). I'm also learning a lot about myself and other people going through this process. 

Honestly, I think that some of the things I have been through (some of which will never be mentioned here- sorry guys- will truly help me in my future if when I get my Masters' degree I start working with people. It makes it easier to relate to someone if you know what's going on. So I'm taking on a client (under supervision, of course) to see how well this theory floats. Honestly, if I was talking to someone, I would want it to be someone who actually has been through the situation before, rather than just reading it in a book. After all, you wouldn't want someone who has never left the United States tell you how to navigate the streets of London, would you? (not the best analogy, but it fits, I guess). Hopefully, the people I talk to will be able to trust me, although I'll definitely understand if they have trust issues. That's the one thing about going into this field- a lot of the knowledge base I have is "been there, done that," which I think is a good thing.At least I hope it is.

Here's to hoping things get better....

1 comment:

Texchanchan said...

You seem a bit depressed to me.

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