Weight Loss

I've been desperate to lose weight for quite some time. It's actually been up and down for a while for me, and now it's up higher than it's ever been, which is very depressing for me. I've heard that I don't look what I weigh, and while that's sometimes encouraging, it's also depressing that the numbers on the scale are so high.

When I was young, I was fairly thin. I started to fill out in middle-high school, where I went straight from childrens' sizes to adult size 7-9s. I wasn't too happy with my size in middle or high school, but I never let on about it, because I didn't want the ridicule of "oh, you're perfectly fine, there's nothing wrong with you" when I knew, in my mind, that I was overweight. I gradually gained weight through high school, but it was so gradual that by graduation I was only an 11-13. Not too bad.

I started working after high school, and, working at the fast food chain I worked at, you'd think I'd gain a ton of weight. I thought I'd gain a ton of weight, especially since I had all access to fried food (for free), as well as constant access to fountain drinks. Mountain Dew was my best friend. Another factor- the freshman 15. I was starting my freshman year of college. Add that all up- freshman year of college, constant fried food diet, and liters of Mountain Dew daily- how the heck did I manage to lose enough to be in a size 9 by the time I left that job? Eating disorder. One that I had for a while, but kept secret, and it didn't become severe until I was away from home for more than just the school day.

I left that job for a big box retailer, and continued to shed pounds. When I graduated high school, I weighed 170lb (~77kg). After approximately 2 years, by the end of 2006, I was down to 125lb (~56.5kg). That's a significant loss. Thing is, even after I changed my ways, I kept the weight off for a while. That is, until mid-2008. Suddenly, I started gaining massive amounts of weight because of a medication, and I knew what and why, and immediately stopped it, but the damage was already done, and I had gained back most of what I had lost.

It was difficult for me, to have gone from being larger, to being a size that I was not ashamed of, then to balloon back to a size I was ashamed of within a matter of 2 months. After that, I continued to gain weight at a steady rate, and no amount of [anything I did] stopped or reversed the weight gain.

At 225lb (~102kg), I knew I had to do something. My doctor knew. I kept talking about it. I still keep talking about it. It seems, though, like every time I get active, I hurt myself. Heck, I was stepping off a curb the other day and faceplanted in the street. In front of a lot of people. Not pleasant. When I tried to stand up, my heavy bag pushed me down into another faceplant. I couldn't get up. It took another person helping me up. My legs are now in pain, lots of pain, my knees and ankles too. Both sides felt it.

I'm on a tablet that's supposed to have a side effect of weight loss. It's curbed the weight gain, but no loss yet. I'm trying to exercise when I can, at least some yoga, and I try to run from class to my car (where there are no curbs, that is), and vice-versa. I take the stairs. I try to eat healthy, although when there are unhealthy foods around, I do get tempted, and sometimes give in.

I'm starting to feel like it's a lost cause. Many of my family members are obese. My sister isn't, but she thinks she probably will be. She's more accepting of it...but she's not there yet. I don't want to be here...I had a taste of being not obese, and it felt nice, and I want it back. I want to be able to find clothes in my size again. I want to be able to go out and not feel like I'm being stared at because I'm overweight. I'd like to be able to eat the things I like, but I know that's not possible.

What I'd like, most of all, though, is to be proud of, and to accept, who I am. That is something that I really would like to get out of my life. Why is that such a difficult concept for me to grasp? Why must it be so difficult for me to just get it and move on? Why must I focus and obsess over it so much?

Whatever this is, it's not healthy, and I don't see any good coming out of it. I just wish I could be the thinner person I used to be again, What am I thinking? That's not likely to happen. Such is life....