Trying to Love Me

There is a blog called "We Heart Life" which is currently doing a linky for posts about why people (bloggers are the ones linking, some have asked people they know) love their body. For me it's always been a struggle to love my body or, well, anything about myself. I try and try, but it's a constant battle. I can be found in many blogs saying *something* degrading about myself.

Even for me to drudge up a picture where I'll show my face is a rough task. Even to take one is a challenge! Shot 1- double chin. Shot 2- side fat. Shot 3- hair sticking out. Shot 4- caught all the acne marks. I never seem to be happy with my appearance, even when I try. It's pushed me into tears at times- for example, over the summer when I was shopping for a swimsuit and posted the "Not A Bikini Model" post, in June. No pictures, but I know how I feel about the way I look.

Even as far as avatars go, I'm not quick to post anything more than my face, and even that is through hesitation. I do have a few pictures in my blogs from where I lost some weight and was able to fit into an older pair of jeans, "Those Jeans", back in September, but I still haven't come to terms with the way I look, as much as I try.

Here, I'll make a really big effort to point out what I love about my body.....
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still thinking....
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I like that I have small feet, because I can buy childrens' sized shoes, which are often cheaper than adult shoes (practical) or smaller adult sized shoes if I need to. I'll never have to complain about having big feet.

I like my fingernails, because they're very strong and resilient. I can't even bite them....they just don't break, there's no sense in taking too much time trying to do so, right? So I tend to have longer nails quite often, and I can paint them well so they look nice.

I like that I can grow my hair out long and cut it short and donate it within a short time period. My hair really doesn't get a lot of split ends, so that's nice. I don't like the way it's not curly or straight, but it doesn't have a pattern with which it waves, it just....does, and it won't curl or straighten....but it's still soft and nice hair.

My hair before the last 11 inch chop, April 2010

I like that I tan easily. Not that it's the best thing for my skin, but I do think I look a little bit better with a little bit of color.

That's really difficult for me to do. Come up with stuff like that. People are posting full body photos, tummies and all, and I can't post anything "full body" more than this:

and that was after I had lost some weight. Confidence lacking? Very much so.

I'm trying to learn to love myself. Not everyone can do it so easily. There's not a lot to appreciate from my body right now. It rejects medications. It gains weight for no plain reason. It has a bad thyroid. It doesn't make enough red blood cells. It just doesn't agree with me. I'm trying to learn to live with that. A few years ago I was a size 4-5. I miss that. I wish I could be that again. It's hard to love a body that keeps making itself into something you don't want to be. I'm trying, I really am.

Story of a Girl

Today I'm jumping back in with another Write on Wednesday prompt, after my newscast-type post. This is the prompt:

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 22 - Select a piece of music that reflects the mood of writing you'd like to aim for. Press play. Start free writing. Write the first words that come into your head. When the music's over, so is the writing. I'd recommend finding out how long the song is before you start the exercise. You may feel cheated in your writing time if you pick a song by The Ramones. Of course, if you feel like writing a short, punky piece by all means, go for it!


Appropriately, I have chosen "Story of a Girl" by Nine Days. Something about this song has always struck me. Somehow, some days, I feel like this girl. In high school, while I was with the colorguard/marching band, I had to do a solo routine, and this was the song I chose. I've always had it on my mP3, and it never leaves my playlist. It's my ringtone on my phone. Something told me, after scrolling through all my songs, to choose this one. Of all the songs, I don't know why this one stands out so much that I do so much with it, but I went ahead and chose it for this piece. Here goes:

There's a girl standing alone. She tries so hard to fit in, but she knows she never will. Waking up every day with hope, she finds herself facing disappointment at the end of the day, knowing she didn't get the expected outcome. She feels like a little bit of an outcast, but she doesn't know how beautiful and wonderful she really is. She cries herself to sleep at night, wondering if things will ever really change, if things will always be the same, but she's loved, and her life has a destiny.

Every day is different, and there is a light that is hard to see from her vantage point. She hides because she doesn't know what's out there. She's been hurt, and she's been disappointed. She's got more going for her than she knows though. Her beauty, talent, and personality far outweigh all the things she sees that are wrong with her life. She's never really seen all the people rooting for her in the background, and though she seems to always have a downtrodden appearance, she has a wonderful smile. Hidden behind that smile is the potential to change the world, the potential to do wonderful things.

She just needs to realize that potential. She can change the world. She can knock people off the feet with her words, or even with just a smile. She's brilliant, and she has passion that she hasn't openly expressed. You can tell she has this potential, this light, all these abilities, by the way she glows, the way she shines when she smiles. She doesn't always exude confidence, but it is there, buried deep. This girl needs to believe in herself.

Things I Know- When I'm Down

When I'm down, things get hairy. I've been down a bit physically, with headaches and being congested and overall a not-well feeling. My blog has been a bit neglected, and I feel like a neglectful mother who has let their blog run amok whilst feeling awful. My things I know this week-

• I know that it does make me feel a tad better when someone asks how I'm feeling, even if all I have to say is "still the same" or "still awful". It helps me feel like I still exist. Which leads to....
• I know that feeling nonexistent is a bad feeling. I really like feeling like I exist.
• I know that resumé writing sucks. I don't have much to put on there anyway. It's really difficult to make up for some of what I lack, and it's difficult still, when I don't have that much, to fit it all on one page. 
• I know that I find it hard to list my good qualities, even on a good day. Why? That I don't know. I do know that I have problems finding the good in myself, but I have no problems pointing out the good things in someone else. 
• I know that I have to get all these boxes out of my room before my head explodes. I just don't know why I don't have the energy to do so.

Books over toys

Day 7: Your favorite childhood toys

I honestly don't remember having any favorite toys. I remember having barbies, but they were always put away. I remember having Polly Pockets, but they were always in my bottom desk drawer. My favorite toys were books. I loved my books. Dictionaries, encyclopedias, fiction, anything I could get my hands on.

Yes, I was a very strange child indeed.

I still am very strange. Half my moving out and moving back in when we were recarpeting involved books. I had more books than anything else. I was too ashamed to count how many boxes of books I actually had. Not to mention binders and notebooks...

I write. I read. I love words. I can't remember a time when this wasn't true. I knew how to spell hippopotamus in kindergarten. I was exempt from a spelling test in 4th grade because I was the only person in the class to spell chlorophyll correctly. I took pride in spelling acetylsalicylic acid correctly in the 6th grade, antidisestablishmentarianism in the 5th. In high school, I almost made it to state, but rendezvous kicked my butt, although I got flibbertigibbet, among other words (we didn't get those back). I've taken pride in learning hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia and pneunonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

I continue to search. My bookshelf hasn't stopped growing. My love for books hasn't, either. Even when college textbooks were abound, there was always an astray fiction book...I couldn't let go.

In that way, I'm still a child. I still play with my toys. In a way, I'm becoming more of a child, because I love stuffed animals so much more now. I'm attached to my sock monkey- he's even been featured here a few times. As for actual toys...I still haven't come up with any really. Are rollerblades toys? I went rollerblading when I was a tween, with my friend. I'd never go back there, though. Or maybe we could consider my laptop a toy.

OK, I'm sounding way too geeky now.

Deuces!!

Prompt Me: University of Choice

College/university: It's a major part of every student's life, whether they go or not, and if they go, the factors involved in their choice of colleges and universities are huge. HUGE.

When I was in high school, I was a starry-eyed believer in the dream college, which wasn't much, but was much different from where I actually ended up going. My dream college, my sights not set on Duke, Harvard, or Yale, was Baylor University in Waco, Texas, about an hour from where we actually live. I sent off my (incomplete, as I was still a high school student) transcripts, took my SATs, and did all the things a graduating high school student is expected to do.

Knowing that I was going for more than a "Community College," I involved myself in a number of extracurricular activities- enough that I had to "narrow the list" to which ones I wanted included in the yearbook & in the Who's Who Among American High School Students Edition the year I graduated. Colorguard, UIL, and Choir were my favorites, but there was also National Honor Society, Student Council, a brief stint on the Debate Team, all four years in the Who's Who records, class Salutatorian, and if you want to be specific, within UIL, I competed on the Spelling and Social Studies Team individually every meet, as well as a number of times on the Number Sense team, Math Team, Creative Writing team, once on the headline writing team, several times with each of the science teams in biology and chemistry (my physics skills were weak)...in other words, I was the top notch high school student.

I primed my transcript (106 grade point average, not too shabby!), and added the extracurriculars, certain that I'd be ready for the college of my dreams.

Then reality hit, and I got the paper that showed the tuition bill for a semester at Baylor University, as well as my awarded scholarship. I was only 1/4 paid for, and I was not able to commute an hour each way every day (even though in the end, that's what I essentially ended up doing).

My parents pushed for me to find something closer and less expensive, and so I (very apprehensively and not quite willingly) did. As the acceptance letter and scholarship to Baylor sat beckoning on my dresser, I applied to the University of Texas at Arlington, sent my transcript, scores, and whatever other desired materials.

March 11, 2005, due to the "10% rule" (and maybe the whole doing well in high school thing), I was accepted as a freshman into the University of Texas at Arlington. Quickie about the 10% rule- if  you are in the top 10% of your graduating class at a public high school in Texas, you are automatically granted admission to the public college or university of your choice granted there is room in their freshman class (cases like UT Austin call for further inspection, as their freshman class often is far too large to accommodate all the 10% graduates)

Needless to say, although the tuition was much more affordable, and I still had a scholarship, this was not my school of choice, and I was not happy. In addition, I wasn't able to participate in any activities- they all cost money. So here I was a college freshman, going to class for a few hours a day, and going straight to work. Not quite a way to adapt to college.

Four (or six) years later...I'm kind of glad I "chose" UTA. They have a really good school of social work...who knows what path I would have taken elsewhere? I did gradually accommodate myself to campus, although I never really found myself "fitting" on campus. It eventually became a place where I felt comfortable, and I'm kind of sad that I'm not there this semester, my first semester after graduation.

No, UTA wasn't my first choice, and it wouldn't have even been a choice had my parents not wanted me to go to a college "close to home" that was "affordable"...but nevertheless, I ended up going there, and you know what? I'm happy I did. I'd never take it back. The professors, the few people I did connect with, even though we lost contact, the experiences I had, they all had an impact on me. It wasn't my first choice, but it was a very good choice, indeed.

This weeks topic:  College

via

Today's Prompt:  I chose not to go to college....
or I chose the college I did.....

Wordless Wednesday- Artsy

This week, for Not-so-wordy Wednesday, I decided to get a little artsy, and show some of the artwork that I did when I was younger (middle/high school); by no means is this an exhaustive list, just the ones I felt confident enough to share (tagged- self-esteem). I just wish I could still be this artistic!! I also added a picture of me in the bluebonnets...just because Texas didn't get many this year, they're my favorite flower, and I miss them.

I did about a billion of these, I only took a picture of this one.

I did this in my spare time in art class because I finished the below project early

This one almost won an art contest in high school...no joke!

For some reason, I get a lot of comments on this one....

I wished I had taken this one to contest instead...I actually like it better...

This is a completely random one I did in my spare time when we first moved here

This one was a requirement for class

This one I did because I wanted a black & white version of the one I did in class.

I absolutely love bluebonnets. It's a shame we only get them ~1 month out of the year. Circa April 2010

Randomosity 30 Days of Me- Perpetually Single

I have to say, I really liked the 30 days about me thing. It gave me something to write about sometimes when I was at a point where I didn't have much to write about, and at this point in my life, I'm finding a lot of that. This month, through some searching, I found another 30 days of me, on Randomosity Blog, so I'll be doing that one this month- but since this one is not restricted by day, I can start and finish when I want.

So, this month, I will start on Day 1. If there is a topic I don't want to post about, or that I feel uncomfortable posting about, of course, I will not post about it, as it is my freedom to choose what to post or not post about. Of course, now you'll be able to see what I choose to post or not post about. Well. That's fine I guess.

Day 1: My current relationship.

They start with a doozy. I'm single. I always have been single, unless you count the kid that went out with me on a dare in middle school, because the other kids didn't believe he would ask out such a dorky kid as myself. He broke up with me the next day. Confidence booster.

I was always the awkward one. It really was a downer to see everyone else going out with someone while I was always single. It is a downer to see my sister with boyfriends while I'm single (still). It's a downer to see my brother getting engaged while I'm (still) single. Both of them are younger. I'm proud of my brother, excited for him even, but I can't help but feel a little down about it.

I think, more than anything, I want for someone to care for me, unconditionally, but I've given up on that ever happening. I know, some people tell me they didn't have these things happen until they were older (late twenties, early 30s, maybe later), but I don't believe it'll ever happen for me. I just don't think I'm fit for it. Even so, I'm not ready for certain things in a relationship... there are things in my past that I can't forget. Things I tell nobody.

I'll never have a boyfriend. I don't even want one anymore. Maybe the caring of someone. The unconditional love. Someone to spend time with, and share things with. Nothing further. You can thank certain guys for that. There's a complete lack of will to go out with anyone, which is a complete buzzkill for a relationship- which will thereby kill any possibly relationships anyway.

Brand pessimist on my forehead...or just allow me to live single, because that's probably better anyway. My brother and sister- they'll have successful relationships. I'd like to call it realism...nobody has realistically looked my way for a real relationship- why would they do it in a year, two years, or five years? Thing is, it doesn't really bother me that much anymore- I've given to the perception of myself being single in the future, and it's really not all that bad. Not the best life, but not horrible. I can live with it.

Things I Know- I have a blog

Another mostly lazy week. We did move most of the stuff back into my room, except the crap I'd like to weed through first to pull out the stuff I don't need. No pictures- lots of boxes and mess. Once things are sorted...maybe. There's still a lot of work to be done

Things I know:

• When you have no timeline, you lose track of time. I wrote a calendar for September and started it on the wrong day. Seriously. *facepalm*
• My blogoversary is on Monday. Wheeee!!!!!!!!
• It takes a lot of work to move stuff back into a room...more than it does to move stuff out of a room. Especially when it's the same room. 
• People don't always respond right away. Be prepared for this. It's because people usually have lives. Unlike you, Ashley. Get a life, Ashley!
• It's not very nice to berate yourself. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen. See above. 
• I like research. I don't hate research. In fact, I love research. I hate statistics. For the longest time, I thought I hated research, when really, it was the statistics part that I hated. Thank you, Dr. Bron, for helping me sort through this dilemma. Now I can actually say I love research!!! (She sorted it with me on twitter...thanks!!)
• People can care-more than you think- through a computer or phone- overseas or a few states away. The internet has broken down walls, county lines, state lines, and country borders. There are no longer the same boundaries as before- just remember to keep some boundaries. Boundaries are good, just be reasonable. 

And that's all. Being cooped up isn't really doing much for my knowledge. I don't know much more than I did last week. At least I know something....

Huzzah!!!

Day 27- Guilty as Charged

Day 27: Worst Habit

I have a lot of bad habits. I mean, a lot.

Image Credit

I'd have to say that staying up über late is the worst! To go along with it, I sleep in. I suppose if I live in a different time zone, the hours I keep now would be acceptable- suppose, Australia- these exact hours would be normal. Unfortunately, this is not Australia, and business hours do not run late into the evening to accommodate for night owls. I've tried going to bed earlier, but my mind doesn't sleep until the later hours, no matter what time I put my body in bed.

Another one is losing track of time spent on the internet. I stumble upon one site (however, I do not use StumbleUpon), click links leading me to another site, and the next thing I know, several hours have gone by without me noticing. I do this quite frequently, and I type quite a lot- my right hand is not thankful for this, and often goes numb while I'm typing. When this happens, I switch to my phone for a while. If the Wi-Fi goes out, the phone is my next resort. Bad habit? Methinks.

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Another? Talking excessively...or should I say writing/blogging? When I start, I don't stop. I keep going. I feel I must explain myself. Every word I say. Sometimes I probably lose the reader, but I keep going. Perhaps someone likes my verbose nature (anyone?) or my descriptions. I don't know. I still keep going. I'm like the Energizer bunny (which was actually stolen from Duracell, did you know that?) which brings me to my next point...

Spouting off random facts that nobody really cares about. I do this quite frequently. Often they're unrelated to the topic at hand. I'll also start talking, and be very unable to stop until someone says OK, WE GET IT...then I feel quite embarrassed, and will completely stop talking. Where is the hard wiring everyone else gets that tells them when to shut up? Where is the "OK, this is a pointless fact, and very irrelevant, so keep it to yourself" reminder?

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Keeping to myself. I've always liked to keep to myself. I don't know why. When I was younger I had one closer friend, the rest were through school or whatever, but mostly I hung alone there too. I would read or hang alone by the monkey bar house during recess. They'd make fun of me and I'd cry. Sometimes I'd take a really long time and pick through my lunch to avoid the social part of lunch in middle school. I never knew where to sit. I'd sit alone. If sitting at a table now, and there were no empty tables, I'd find the seat farthest away from anyone else. Why do I do this? Not a good way to make friends. Bad habit. Even kind of did some of this at my internship. I'd sit at the desk doing paperwork when there wasn't a group going on.

Taking things far too literally and getting upset too easily. I do this often. Or not understanding, like jokes. I'm still trying to figure out a picture from earlier today that people were LOLing at. Another joke, too. Am I dense? Naïve? Included in this is obsessing with details...maybe I'm obsessing too much? Not enough? Maybe I'm distracted by the details (like in other situations), and can't see the situation as funny? I don't know. But once someone explains it, I'm like OH....*berate self mentally....* (another bad habit)

Sadly, I can see myself doing this.
I keep my crayons in colour order in the box.
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Again, I have the obsession with details. It throws me off the bigger picture, and while being in tune with details can be a good thing, obsessing over them is not quite so good. I don't get things done, I worry over them way too much, and I stress myself out. Sometimes it keeps me from doing things!!! I'm so hung up over doing them right that I'm afraid of doing them right. If something is too messy and I feel I can't do it right, I'm afraid to even start. I've even rewritten entire essays because one part didn't sound write- seriously!! Even the awards on my wall are measured to where they are evenly spaced- and they don't get moved.

I have created pictures with rulers...and hung stuff on my walls with rulers, no joke. Detail is key...
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This can apply to any of the situations- perhaps it's the cause of many of the other bad habits I have. It's not always an obsession with being perfect (although often, it is, which sometimes holds me back- if it's not going to be perfect, I feel like I can't/shouldn't do it at all), but an obsession with the details, an obsession with all the little things going on. Again, I'm paying attention to every little thing that may be a bad habit- not what I intended. I wanted to pick one or two things, and it turned into a frenzy of a billion things.

Bad habit- obsession, staying up late, details, social isolation (past and present), taking things literally, berating myself, perfectionism, excessive internet, excessive talking, not realizing when I've said too much, irrelevant talking, I'm sure there's more, but that's enough for right now.

Day 6: Sentimental Value

Day 6 (now that I'm caught up): Most treasured item-

My most treasured item is my sock monkey. My most treasured item before that was one of those pillows with the microbeads in it. The story?

Often times, I get very down on myself. I have a very low sense of self-esteem, but I try not to let it show around other people. Those who have known me for years, though, know that I really don't feel cared for or accepted, no matter how much someone tells me I am. You can tell me until your face turns blue, but I'll never believe it. I don't know why I'm this way, but I am.

Of course, some people might think my treasured items might be my salutatorian medal from high school, depicting my hard work and dedication, my collection of books, from which I never want to be parted, or my electronic items, from which I don't want to be parted, because they are a strong part of my support system. I don't have many real life friends. I find it hard to maintain relationships with people, and I don't know why.

But no, my most treasured item is a sock monkey, a gift given to me, probably purchased at a big box retailer, although that doesn't really matter, and a microbead pillow- same story. Why, you might ask?

These gifts were given out of love. I know my parents loved me when they gave me an Evo, when they traded my laptop, when they attended my high school graduation while I was wearing my medal and giving my speech, but those aren't my treasured items.

I sleep with my sock monkey held close to my side every night, as kind of a comfort, a reminder. I used to sleep with the microbead pillow, before I had the sock monkey. They were comfort, calming daily reminders that my parents loved me and wanted the best for me. I could take them anywhere with me, even tucked away in a bag, and not be questioned. A medal, not so much. My phone? Everyone carries a phone. Besides, they're used for practical things like...I don't know, contacting people?

The sock monkey's sole purpose is to keep me company. If I'm feeling lonely or discontent, I turn to the sock monkey with my blanket pulled over me (even if it's 115 degrees- I tend to have a cool room because of the way the thermostat works in our house). I can hold onto the sock monkey and feel protected and loved. It's not just a valued possession because it has "value"...it's sentimental value to me. Things like phones and whatnot don't have the same sentimental value.

While it's true I only graduate high school once, pictures tell the story of time, books give knowledge and entertainment, the sock monkey provides comfort that none of these other things can provide. Holding a book while falling asleep just doesn't feel the same. Wearing a medal to bed doesn't feel the same. These things are still important to me, and valuable, as are a few other things, as I tend not to get caught up in the material value of things, but the emotional value, but the sock monkey....I never want to let it go.

I want to feel loved, I want to feel valued, and when I remember that these things were given to me out of love and sentiment, I hold on to them tightly, as though they radiate love. It's almost cathartic for me, and for this reason, the sock monkey is my most valuable possession.

One statement at a time

When going through one's day, they rarely think about the impact of the words they are saying, and often times, they say the wrong thing, speak too quickly, or stumble over their words. In fact, that's something that's hard to avoid, even for those who are quick thinking on their feet, everyone becomes speechless, even if only for a short time, at one point or another in their life.

I am especially prone to this. I'm also a bit obsessive, so when I am writing or typing something, it will take me twice as long as it should, because when I read over it, I feel like I need to fix my grammar and syntax. I'm always so focused on this, every time I write something, that sometimes I actually forget what I'm talking about, and I have to read and re-read what has been said.

There's also the fact that whatever is said online is open for interpretation- and interpretation is hard online, when there is no body language or affect to connect the words with. Online communication is probably the toughest form of communication that exists, because not only do you have to convey thoughts, but you have to include context so that people will understand what you are saying, without taking offence to your words. THAT has happened to me recently. I texted a status to facebook- and it was grossly misinterpreted, leading to an (online) fight....which upset me very much, as I am extremely non-confrontational.

I don't remember where I found this video, but this video really made me think of the power of words, and the way we phrase things. It is really quite lovely how the rephrasing of something so simple can make such a significant difference.

 I just wonder how many other people really take the time to sit down and think about the connotation, not just the denotation, of the words they express every day. I know it's difficult to do in every day conversations, and I've made many mistakes myself, when trying to say something. I have a hard time communicating and coming up with the words I need to say when it comes to verbal communication. Writing, I seem to do an adequate job most of the time. I have little confidence in my writing, but with the feedback I get, I can't just say I'm a bad writer- that would be in bad taste.

Childhood is a time when anything and everything that is said has a huge impact. Because children aren't fully cognitively developed, they don't understand the world the way that we do yet. Additionally, believe it or not, some of them have impeccable memories when it comes to what has been said. Perhaps this has something to do with the extra thinking that they have to do to insert themselves into adult conversation, or perhaps it's just that they have a better memory. In my short time as an intern, I've learned about the impact just a small phrase or slip-up can make a difference. No, I've not sent anyone out of the office crying, but I've probably said some things that made the clients angry with me, or has made them think I really have no clue what I'm doing. I also know there are times when I sit in dead silence while trying to come up with what to say- while I am trying to counsel (under supervision), I have to make sure I'm saying the right things, that I don't set a client off, make them angry, or trigger them in any way. I am very aware of everything that I say in there. I think things through, and sometimes I actually set up a counseling agenda- just in case I run out of things to talk about.

Right now, I am extremely nervous, because I will be going in tomorrow to lead a supervised group. I've twice done this before, and while the clients actually liked the topics that I brought up, I'm still apprehensive about being the leader of a group- I'm more of a one-on-one, individual, or follower type. Not quite a leader.

Add to this the upcoming presentation for my social work class, and I'm practically shaking just thinking about it. What am I going to say? Am I going to forget what I'm talking about (in either situation)? Am I going to stumble over words, or have huge lapses in conversation because I'm not one that does well in conversation, especially when I'm being judged (class presentation, specifically)? When there is so much pressure on me, I tend to think about it for hours...rather, days on end. My social work presentation is still a week away. On this presentation, I must score rather high- near perfect- to keep my A in the class, otherwise, I'll drop into the B range. I know that's not a complete disaster, but the fact that I've worked so hard, and that my grade is riding on an oral presentation, has made me a disaster.

Back to topic- the power of words. Do you know how much one, ONE, remark can affect a person? This is even stronger when the person has a low self-esteem. I can personally attest to the power of words- when someone compliments me, even if I don't believe it at the moment, and even if I have a hard time accepting it, it is quite elating to know that someone actually believes something positive about me. It can completely change my demeanour, and completely change the direction of my day. Sometimes it will lift me for even longer than a day if someone has something positive to say.

When negative things are said, though, it can take my day in a completely different direction. At times, I'll focus on the negative remark for so long that I lose track of what I'm doing. I'll drop things and stumble, I'll get lost and daydream, contemplating the meaning and impact of the negative words, and I take it completely inside. Even if it's not meant to be a personal affront, I tend to get pretty upset when people insult me.

After this "thinking" period, I tend to try to compensate for my negative attributes, and often overcompensate. I'll spend so much time trying to change the way people look at me, and so much time trying to make things right, that sometimes I'll neglect important things in order to rectify the situation with the negative comment, even if it's smaller. The one negative thing sometimes becomes my priority, and something that I can't seem to take my mind off of. I don't know if this is the case with everyone, but I do know that, when placed the right way, a sentence with the same meaning can have completely different connotations, and these connotations can completely change a person's day- for the better, or for the worse.

What type of person are you? Do you think your words through? Are you spontaneous and sometimes insulting on accident? Think about the words you say every day. Think about your communication with colleagues, clients (if working with the public), family, friends. And next time you slip and say the wrong thing, or come close to it, think about how it'll affect the other person. In the video, a simple change in wording was enough to change the temperament of not only the man, after he found out how the woman had helped him, but also the temperament of those around him, those who walked past, and it was a beautiful thing. We need more people like this in the world, people who can shed the positive light on things, people who can make language a beautiful thing, a thing that completely changes not only a situation, but a person's entire day. We all affect each other- let's try to make it a positive effect that we are having. After all, you'd rather have people say positive things about you, right? We can change the world, one statement at a time.

Sticks and stones

"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me"

When you look in the mirror in the morning, what do you see? Do you see a person full of worth, ready to tackle the day? Do you see a person who needs a bit of work, but still has some wonderful qualities? When I look in the mirror in the morning, I see a person who has soooo much to work on that no one thing can make them worth enough. Given, I have a very low self-esteem. On this site, a very brief self-esteem scale is available, called the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale. A little bit about Dr. Morris Rosenberg, who developed this short inventory, available for free to the public, thanks to his wife:

• The Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale is perhaps the most widely-used self-esteem measure in social science research. Dr. Rosenberg was professor of Sociology at the University of Maryland from 1975 until his death in 1992. He received his Ph.D. from Columbia University in 1953, and held a variety of positions, including at Cornell University and the National Institute of Mental Health, prior to coming to Maryland. Dr. Rosenberg is the author or editor of numerous books and articles, and his work on the self-concept, particularly the dimension of self-esteem, is world-renowned.

I score very low on the scale. 3, to be exact, when the threshhold at the lower end of the scale is 0. 

Self-esteem is a very important aspect of one's life, and is part of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, a very popularly used tool to gauge where a person stands as far as their needs being met. Unfortunately, in current times, many people have low self esteem, which leads them to further issues down the road. The hierarchy is pictured below: 

As one can see, self-esteem is one of the higher levels of needs, after physiological needs, security, and love and belonging, but it is still a step below self-sufficiency, vitality, and meaningfulness, things that all, or at least most, humans want out of life. 

How is self-esteem built? Well, in modern times, people have the wrong idea of building self-esteem. Have you ever been to a kid's T-ball game, where they don't keep score and "everybody wins" no matter how much effort they put in? That is no way to build self-esteem. Little Joe out there could have put all his effort into the game while little Bobby was playing with the grass in the outfield, and they receive the same recognition. How does little Joe feel? Obviously, little. His hard work earned the same reward as little Bobby's lack of work. Unfortunately, a lot of people are turning to this model recently because it helps boost the esteem of those who try hard but just don't do well....or so they think.

The reality of it is, these children know they aren't doing well. They know they're only getting the rewards because it makes it "fair". So this is definitely not a way to build self-esteem or self-efficacy. Granted, some kids never receive rewards for this very same reason, and they feel ashamed because they feel like they can accomplish nothing, but when it comes down to it, the prize they receive when they do find their niche will be SO much more rewarding when they finally do get it than the mediocre rewards they receive for "participating". 

How can one learn what they're good at when they receive rewards just for participating? For so many years, I received academic award after academic award- but looking back, I had no idea what exactly my interests were, or what I was good at....and these awards didn't help my self esteem, even though they plastered my wall for a good number of years. Awards aren't indicative of success anymore, when given so frequently and randomly. 

Subsequently, we must look at the worth of a person. In my opinion, everyone has their own worth. Given, people have different strengths and weaknesses, and they all have their positive and negative attributes, but to me, everyone is "worth" the same. I don't think anyone is more important than anyone else, except myself. That is, everyone else is worth more than myself. I'm willing to pour myself into making people see their own worth, which is a huge factor in their self esteem. 

There are a lot of online "quizzes" that a person can take to find out how much they're "worth", but the truth is, they're all worth the world to me, regardless of their attributes. I embrace extremists on both the democratic and republican spectrum, I respect colours, gender, age, everything. There is nothing about a person that can make their worth decrease in my eyes. They are all worthy of the same treatment, the same lifestyle, the same benefits, the same opportunities. I don't mean the same opportunities as in a shower of awards for every little thing they do, but I do mean opportunities regarding access to services, personal treatment, respect, dignity, confidentiality, and so forth. I'd put my life on the line to prove this to anyone. 

So what can one do to build their own self esteem, which is something that will take them far in life? After all, if someone doesn't believe in themselves, and doesn't believe that they can do something, are they likely to try as hard? Are they likely to exert the same effort? Probably not. 

One of the things I've had hammered into my head from multiple sources is the technique of positive self-talk. This is an intrinsic reinforcer- that is, something that is rewarding in a way that is not material, but rather mental. Something that is rewarding inside, to that person, that makes them feel good. For some, this is an extremely powerful technique. Granted, it doesn't work for everyone, but it's still quite effective.

For some people, extrinsic reinforcers are necessary- things such as clothing or accessories that make them feel better about the way they look, or something positive written on an assignment (because it is a material thing coming from another person), or even just something they purchase for themselves when they feel good. First, though, they have to realise their power and abilities, even if they don't feel confidence from them. 

Usually, intrinsic reinforcers are more successful because they are things that tend to stick with people, and are attached strongly to thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When there is even just a tiny ping that raises someone's confidence, or even mood, this can help to raise their self-esteem, realise that they are worthy of more than they thought. This can be a valuable characteristic that can lead them to do extraordinary things in life- success in school, confidence, friendships, good jobs, and success in other areas of life. Success itself is an intrinsic reinforcer- so when a person finds their niche, it would be beneficial to work within that area, build confidence and esteem, and grow as a person. 

What can cause low self esteem, such as mine? Well, there can be many causes. Some children grow up being ridiculed by classmates, parents, other family members, or sometimes even authority figures like teachers or principals. In this case, the more the person is ridiculed, the less likely they are to feel good about themselves, no matter what participation or consolation rewards they receive. A person's environment is very powerful, especially in childhood. No matter from whom the ridicule is coming, ridicule is ridicule.

They say "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me"....but how true is this? How many people have been affected by the negative words of those around them? Hundreds of millions of people have experienced the put-down that kind of puts a damper on their day- I'd be willing to bet at least 75% of people have experienced this at some time or another.

When the topic of abuse comes up, it's not physical or even sexual abuse that is the most damaging, but actual VERBAL abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse; abuse that you can't see physically, that leaves no physical marks or visible damage. It takes at least 7 positive remarks to counter simply ONE negative remark. Words are much more powerful than people have given them credit for. The kinds of words that can be said can scar someone for life, making environmental feedback one of the number one contributors to self esteem, or lack thereof. Intrinsically, negative words are hard to forget and counter with something positive, especially coming from ones you love, but also when they come from other students/peers, other family, and anyone else with whom a person comes into contact.

Self esteem is such an important aspect of life, and it's very disappointing to see how much it has declined, especially in recent generations, as self-efficacy drops, safety drops, family relationships go down the tubes, socializing becomes an internet activity, and people become more and more isolated. I'm concerned not only about the self-esteem of the current generations, but the self esteem of generations to come, who will be affected by the actions and feelings of our current generation.

A Place in this World

Shuffling through my iPod listening to music, I heard the graduation song by Vitamin C.....which has been very important to me, and still is, even though it's now pretty old; I still sometimes listen to it on repeat, and occasionally cry. If you don't know the song, I'll lead you to the youtube video below. I still had to listen to it while grabbing the link to it....it's one of those songs that I absolutely love, and can relate to.

I started high school in Killeen, after being there for 8 years. I had gotten to know most everyone pretty well, and since I had been there a while, was, for the most part, well adjusted. After my freshman year, though, we had to move, and I was crushed. Of course, at this time, the song was fairly new, and my best friend and I declared it as "our song"....we had never thought I would be moving, and at the time still found it unbelievable. We don't talk anymore, from what I understand that she said. I miss her.

After moving here, I never really made any bonds with anyone- it was a small school district, and I was an outsider coming in. Most of the students in my class were in the 12 year photo- those who started and finished in the same district. I did not. A few were upset when they found out my GPA was high enough to bump them down a rank because I was salutatorian (second highest GPA, behind valedictorian). I was glad to be in the upper echelon of the class, but still felt a bit rejected. I did make a few close acquaintances, and when I graduated, I felt torn apart again. I felt this song related to me not once, but twice: I always felt like things would never change.

Unfortunately, one element of the song I cannot relate to- because those who were my friends are no longer "friends forever". We've moved on...she has her friends, I have....schoolbooks. I no longer believe in the idea of "friends forever," rather, I just consider friendship as a close relationship between two people that is strong, but not permanent...."friends for a long time". I don't want to think about it that way, but every friend I try to make ends up falling off the face of the planet within a few months.

I would, however, love to have a (real life, not internet) best friend. I miss it. Most people would do anything for their best friend, I'm one of those types. Alas, times will never be the same, things will always change. Now, when I go back to Killeen, it's a completely different place, and very few people even recognise me, even if they've seen me on facebook or something. Sometimes it helps to listen to "Move Along" by the All American Rejects:

Friend. What is a best friend in my opinion? A best friend is someone that will stick beside you through thick and thin, whether you ask or want them to be there, or not. They'll be there when nobody else will. You'll share stories and laugh at movies together. You'll tell jokes and share secrets that you'd NEVER tell anyone else. You can't frighten them off with anything. They care, even if you really don't need them to. Instead of bailing you out of trouble, they'll probably be right in there along with you, because you were probably together at the time.

I always wonder, though, if there is a cutoff point, where you can no longer make this sort of bond with someone. Am I past that point? Is that why I can't seem to make and keep friends? I know I miss what I had, but I know also that it will never be the same again. The people I knew in Killeen are not the same people they were back then. Many are married, have children, they've got jobs and their own place, it's completely different. It's hard to feel like I belong anywhere. Taylor Swift- A Place in This World completely explains how I (as well as some others) feel....I just want to belong somewhere. I've not felt belonging in quite a long time. Don't get me wrong, I've tried to find my place, but I'm the square peg trying to fit into the round hole.

On Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, one of the levels includes love and belonging. Family usually indicates the presence of love, but belonging is something that's hard to achieve, and I feel like that's where I'm stuck- between the second level (safety) and the fourth level (self-efficacy and self-esteem). Once you get stuck on a level, you can't logically achieve anything higher than that.

Therefore, my esteem is low (a lot of people already knew that anyway). I need friendship, I want friendship, but it's like trying to find a specific needle in a stack of needles (reference to an episode of one of my fave shows, Criminal Minds). However, if I look more closely and objectively, I realise that I'm probably the one chasing people away! It doesn't help that I'm a tad anti-social, and I don't go out much. There are people out there who are GREAT at making friends, and I get a little jealous sometimes, because I long for that closeness again, but being the person I am, putting all my effort into everything (or almost everything) that I do, I think I end up neglecting people, thus not making friends. 

Nevertheless, friendship is an important part of life that should be embraced (I embrace it), and handled with care, because once a bond is broken, it's difficult to make it fit back together like it was before. If you break a piece of glass, does it ever fit together perfectly? No. That's what friendship is like. It may be close, but it's just not the same once the ties have been loosened or broken. 

Right now, though, I'm more focused on trying to find a place in this world. This broken, mixed up, confusing world, where relationships and words are misunderstood, where there are lonely, hungry, and sad people, where it's difficult to find a place for yourself, to find love and belonging, to accept yourself for who you are, where you can't really build self-esteem or self-efficacy unless you've got love and belonging. Maybe one day, I'll belong somewhere, but right now, in the words of Taylor Swift "I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world"

Swamped

It's been a very busy month! I've started an internship at MHMR, working on a residential treatment program for adolescent boys with substance abuse problems. It's been very rewarding so far, even though it's not initially where I thought I'd be.

I'm also up to my eyes in schoolwork, and a bunch of other little things that just make everything overwhelming. I love it all (except economics lol), so...I'll tolerate it. It's keeping me from blogging though!! A lot has happened- my mom had surgery, my grandfather had a heart attack, singles' awareness day has passed.

February 14 is a difficult day for a lot of people, especially singles, especially those who have ALWAYS been alone. I fall in this group, and it really brings me down. Seeing people who have someone that cares about them, and they're comfortable and secure, not alone...I'm jealous. I'm more aware of my singularity when it comes to this primarily commercial holiday. So, instead, I keep myself über busy all the time.

And, lately, my busy lifestyle has kept my mind off of a lot of things. Internship and school occupy most of my time and energy. I just keep going! I'm actually leaning toward suggesting a busy lifestyle for those who feel empty and useless. It's good to have something that you're passionate about to keep yourself going. Being busy also helps me to keep my mind off the stuff that makes mr feel worse.

It's been theorized that my busy lifestyle kind of drives people away. I've also been told that my intelligence drives people away (although I don't see the intelligence in myself!). Self confidence is something I lack. Today in psychology- self efficacy builds self esteem.

Keep your head up and just keep living :)

Deuces!

Losing myself

Well, tonight I'm doing something a little out of the ordinary. Sometimes, especially when I'm feeling particularly down, I feel the need to purge myself of the past, both by discarding (or boxing away) particular items, and thereby removing the reminders they carry with them, good or bad, because I feel I don't deserve happiness.

Last time, I wiped my walls bare of all the artwork that adorned them, which had given my room a sort of vibrant, warm feeling, and demonstrated the capacity I once had to be creative. This was somewhere around the time that I relinquished all my awards and high school memories to a single cardboard box, an excellent reminder that I really thought I was something, but was horribly mistaken, for a few awards in high school do not a stable or intelligent person create...simply a schoolgirl who does all her homework and strives to please everyone else.

Tonight, the target (no pun intended-you'll see why I say that) is my closet. I have so many clothes that my closet almost looks like it's ready to burst. Well, not anymore. I've already purged my closet of most of my shirts. I'm no longer the slim, pretty (but clueless) girl that I was when those clothes fit. 80 pounds and most of a college career, as well as a lost job, later, I'm just different-can't explain it, but I know it. Upon seeing the empty bars that have emerged, I feel like I'm looking inside myself and stripping away the things that masked me, made me into what everyone else wanted me to be.

There are also the clothes from Target (hence the explanation starting the previous paragraph). That job was a huge chunk of my life, no doubt, and I learned a lot from it, but my memory is stained by the past mistakes I made, as well as the apex for me, as far as looks are concerned. I toss in a box an array of red shirts (and soon khaki pants) of various sizes, reminding me that I'll never be that young and pretty again, no matter how many diets I go on, miles I run, or anything else.

As I look at the things I'm putting into storage, in hopes that I may one day be that thin again, remembering times when I had a job, could do a few more things for myself, was beautiful and still somewhat intelligent...I feel kind of dismayed. At the same time, I realize first that I no longer wear those clothes, and also that I will miss the presence of a closet full of clothes; I also realize that these things, along with the artwork that at one time ensconsed my walls and awards that I could brag about, are still a part of my past, still connected to me, yet now I feel a distinct separation from them.

Whilst sometimes it's nice to reflect upon and remember the past, and happy memories that come with it, it's also disappointing to have the thought looming in my head that I've gone so far downhill, and lost myself (if I ever knew myself to begin with). I'm no longer innocent and pure...those things were, in a way, taken away from me against my will. I'm no longer the brainiac, the involved student, the competitor, the pretty girl, the good sister and child, that I once was. I sort of miss the good things of my past, even though they were enveloped with darkness and astounding disappointment too. Maybe one day I'll be able to pull out all these boxes that once defined me, and find a part of myself within, and perhaps be actually HAPPY to be the person I am. Until then, I just have to learn to live with myself and my loneliness and lack of self-efficacy. Goodbye, old Ashley. Hello.....I don't know who you are. Goodbye memories, hello scary and mysterious future. Goodbye me, hello stranger. I am gone.

Miami-bound

I'm writing this as we're on the road to Miami....Oklahoma, that is. What's in Miami? As far as I know, it's an Indian reservation with a casino. It'll be a bit lengthy probably, given that it's a 6-7 hour trip from DFW.

I'm kinda worried about my classes. I received a less than failing grade on a paper for my research class. It's about how major depressive disorder can affect high school dropout and the choice to not go to college.

Indeed, depression can affect a person's motivation and self esteem so drastically that they no longer have the desire to go to school, or to stop doing the work- which leads too poor academic performance, another factor in school dropout.

It's really difficult to get the motivation to do much of anything when depressed, no matter at what point you're at in your life. Sometimes, facing this overwhelming exhaustion and dread might be the best thing a person can do when they are feeling this way, though. Getting out will get them around other people that could positive influence.

Being torn between the wish to get as far away from the depression as possible, coupled with the anhedonia depression brings, can cause a lot of conflict. It's not that the person doesn't want to get better; the problem is, everything, even the smallest task seems like a monumental and mountainous obstacle, which is really daunting and discouraging.

Warning: from this point on, there are some controversial issues discussed, not meant to cause anger or argument, just encourage thought. If you're easily offended, or don't want to read about something you don't agree with, I have some noncontroversial blogs posted, and I'll post another with this one. Again, I'm no expert, and I'm not trying to force my ideas on anyone; I'm just putting them out there. Here goes.....

People make a lot of assumptions about true clinical depression- including that it's only a bad mood that will pass, an assumption that could even become dangerous. The truth is, nobody should recklessly judge something without being exposed directly to it. If you've never tasted a hamburger, you can't properly tell me about it no matter how hard you try. If you've never been rock climbing, you can't describe the thrill of climbing to the top and seeing the view. Also, if you've never directly met a person, you can't assume what their personality or demeanor is like. That means even if you know them over facebook.

Truth is, everyone wears masks, and you never really know a person until you've met them and spent some time with them.

Once you do meet someone, it's not proper to really judge someone, but it's difficult to not have a perception or impression. Just remember that what you see isn't always the whole situation, and may be completely contrary to the truth.

Try to remember that we are all human, we all have our flaws; therefore there is no reason for one person to really judge another. We all make mistakes, and no, not even I am perfect (lol). Some make mistakes worse than others, but we all grow up in different environments and have different factors affecting us.

It's disappointing how intolerant some people are, and how some are even taught that too much tolerance is a bad thing. They need to know that it's acceptable to accept other people as they are.

There are many instances of this in history, and not just against those of different ethnicities. Women and children, religious differences, and even mental illness and the criminals have been discriminated against.

Women, of course, still are bound in life by stereotypes that date back as far as recorded history goes. Some countries are worse than others, but there isn't a nation in this world that doesn't have preconceived notions about the roles of gender.

One of the interesting things I found in doing research on the history of mental illness is something that is hardly spoken of- I didn't even know about it at all until I read Jodi Picoult's "Second Glance."

In the early 20th century, especially in the 1920s and 1930s, there was a movement called the "eugenics" movement. Basically this idea promoted the involuntary sterilization of criminals and those found to be "feeble-minded." This movement was especially strong in the US during that period. Many of those housed in institutions were prevented from reproducing, because scientists were suggesting that criminal behavior and mental illness were genetically inherited and passed from generation to generation.

The problem was when Hitler took hold of this idea, and proposed that keeping certain people from reproducing, and getting rid of those with the bad genes, would in a way "clean up" the gene pool. Anyone with much knowledge about history knows about Hitler, the Jews, and concentration camps.

Of course, at this point, Americans disconnected from "eugenics," but in some states it's STILL legal (really!!). There are also other procedures these days that could be considered to be related to eugenics.

Often when a woman is pregnant, especially if she is older or has a high-risk pregnancy, she might choose to have amniocentesis done, to see if they're having a healthy baby. If not, they are given the decision to abort-a very controversial decision. Who decides who has the right to live? What are the limits, benefits, consequences? What judgments will be made about the mother regarding her decision?

There are many factors to consider, which really could create a blog of its own. The mother's health as well as that of the fetus are crucial. What about if baby and mother would both live, but the baby's life would be significantly impaired or shortened? Does the mother let the child suffer? Here I will insert that yes, I am a fan of Jodi Picoult, lol. Her book "Handle with Care" addresses this, when a mother sues her obstetrician, who happens to be her best friend, in a wrongful birth lawsuit after her baby is born with what is more commonly known as brittle bone disorder. Quite a touching book, if you ever get the chance to read it.

Anyway, back on topic, If a baby is conceived through rape, that is a whole issue of its own- should she be responsible for all the medical expenses, as well as the daily reminder of the trauma? Even if she puts the baby up for an adoption, she still has to carry it with her for 9-10 months. In this case, there's nothing she could have done, and it's not her fault, she wasn't neglectful; however, should the fetus be aborted and not given a chance to live?

At what point is a fetus considered alive- when the egg is fertilized? When it plants itself? When it reaches a certain stage of growth? Does it know what is happening?

If a woman cannot care for a baby, or even just the doctors' visits associated with pregnancy, what should she do? Carry it to term without the proper care and risk her health and the baby's? Abort it? Even if it's aborted there are the regular checkup that go along with pregnancy.

My opinion (this is the only place I will insert opinion) is that it should only be available to those with high risk pregnancy where the mother or baby's life is in danger. Those who had no control over their pregnancy (rape victims in particular) should be given the option, but also be offered the medical expenses if she carries it to term to have it adopted or keep it (also her choice). These are the only cases in which it should be considered. [end rant]

Sorry if it's a bit much to read, it's been a long ride (6 hours) so I've had a lonnnnnng time to think. We're still not there, but I think this is enough to digest for one day.

And, at the end of the day, I find out that the free wifi access is only "free" for 24 hours.....what kind of bs is that? *sigh* I'm out for the night, auf weidersehen....