Anticipation and Anxiety

When it came time for me to come back from my bloggy break, I was anxious. I had a lot of anticipation. would I have a lot of new ideas? Would I have a lot to post? Would it be easy to jump back in? Would it be difficult?

Anxiety is something I experience often. When I planned my comeback, I had no anticipation that I would have a job interview...or a second interview...or a job. I knew my parents' anniversary was the first, and after that, I planned to start blogging again. Now I'm gripped with fear- what if I can't keep up again? It's been so long, I'm out of the habit, what will happen?

Plus I'm preparing in anticipation for my impending graduation, a little over a month away. Thanksgiving is approaching in the states, which is a bit of a thing to anticipate because there's always a family hooplah. My birthday is soon after, which has become less exciting. Black Friday is also soon after, which had less significance until my recent acquisition of a job.

Then there's December. My grandparents may be coming down from St. Louis for the event. I've been anticipating it...well, since the day I found out I was getting that piece of paper! Then there's the holiday season, which, of course, will now include retail working hours. There's also the fact that I've been anticipating the licensing exam for social work, which I needed the money to pay for (and will now have, with a job), which I will have to study for. That alone can cause a lot of anxiety!

Of course, it was already going to be an anxious season because of the number of events coming up, but now there's a lot of work tied to it with a retail job, and a lot of cleaning to be done! Anticipation is a good thing, but when you start adding more responsibilities and events, I become more anxious and awkward. Here's to hoping that I have enough time to sort through everything, and continue blogging too!

Grateful For Corky

I know you hate when I call you that, if you're reading this.

Corky (Courtney) is my sister. She turned 16 this past Saturday, the 22nd. I'm grateful for my sister this week; I should say, this month, as this is the only "grateful" post of the month.

Rewind to 1995. My mom found out she was pregnant, but she kept the gender secret from both my brother and I. Both of us secretly yearned for a younger sibling of our gender- I a sister, he a brother. I got my wish. As much as I pick at her and tease her, I love her. I wouldn't trade her for anything.

A mother and her daughters- me (left), Courtney (baby), and mom (right)

She was born late in the evening on October 22nd. I was so happy to have a younger sister, even though I had to share a room with her. I was almost 8 years old, and a beaming older sister- I finally had the sister I wanted! I remember playing with dolls in the crib area before the crib was moved in, as it was a big space. I don't think I realized what big change was coming in my life.

Watching her grow has been an adventure. It's a little bit different with such an age gap between us. i got to watch her kindergarten graduation as a high school student, so I remember it. I got to bury her in the sand at Cocoa Beach, Florida, although she doesn't remember that. I remember teaching her how to swing on the old swingset in the backyard when she was younger, and helping teach her how to swim. Helping her with her homework has been a challenge at times, but it's something I enjoy because I get to spend time with her.

I remember when we moved, and finally got our own bedrooms, how empty it felt to finally have my own room, even though it was great to finally have my own space. I remember helping at her school when she was in elementary, during her field days, when her classmates adored me, and I'd get random hugs in the hallways at the school.

I remember sitting next to her in her carseat, either getting yelled at for tickling her, or stroking her hair behind her ears whilst she was sleeping. I remember the nights where she would crawl into my bed and sleep next to me, or my childhood friend, if she was over for the night. I sometimes secretly wished that those days had lasted longer, but they didn't. She kept growing, that's what kids tend to do. I'm in envy, though, that she kept those beautiful, entrancing baby blues. She's the only one in the family who got them.

Corky created this one herself- creative!

She's in high school now, but it's been wonderful watching her grow up- from an older sister's perspective. I got to watch on as she grew, although we never gained the same bond as we may have had we been closer in age. Perhaps when we're older we'll be closer, but for now, I'm still watching her grow. Now it's time to watch her get her license.

She's a clarinet in the marching band, and is quite opposite of the type of person I was in high school. I was very school oriented, always wanting to do more, because it was never enough. I didn't take a whole lot of time having a social life. Corky is a social butterfly, with a growing list of friends, half of whom I can't even name! One of the teachers we both have/had says that the two of us are like night and day, and our brother, who is in between the two of us, is...well, in between.

She rocks that clarinet well!

I admire her outgoing personality, her looks, her ability to stand up for herself, her creativity, and her in general. I love her for who she is. She may not be the most academic person in the world, but she's just who she is, my younger sister, a beautiful, wonderful, quirky, outgoing free spirit who is growing up so quickly. Oh, and she's helping me cheer for the Rangers :) so that's good too.

I am grateful for my younger sister. I'm grateful to have watched her grow through her life, from a baby, to a young child, to a teenager so far. I'm grateful for the time I've gotten to spend with her, and the things I've gotten to see her do and achieve.

It's a little late to say Happy Birthday, but alas, I'm saying it. Happy Birthday, Corky, and I love you. I know we pick on you and tease you a lot- like calling your penguin hat the "angry bird" hat- I won't post the picture- that's because we love you ;) all out of love. Even if you don't acknowledge it, I just wish that someday you'd realize how grateful I am to have you in my life.

I love you, little sis. 

Things I know- A Month Away

It hasn't been that long, has it? Oh yes, it has. Here's what I know:

• Time...goes by....so slowwwwly....(imagine me singing "Unchained Melody")
• I absolutely hate applying for jobs, especially those character parts of the application that are 50 pages long with 5 questions per page (online) and often ask redundant questions
• A little time away can do a lot of good for your thoughts, and can help spark ideas
• October and pollen are evil, and every year, they attack me and my sinuses. Argh! This is part of the reason I've not been around. Allergies >> Sinus pressure >> headaches >> not wanting to type a lot/think a lot/do a lot.
• Being in the sort of state above makes me look lazy
• My résumé sucks, and probably will for quite a while
• Taking the exam to be a social worker is extremely expensive
• The Rangers better play a better game tomorrow night, or I will be extremely unhappy.

I've jumped on the bandwagon a little bit early with these posts because they're simpler than some of the others, and have a sort of outline which I can follow. I've got a headache right now which is enough to tell me that I am going to stop now, finish facebooking and twitter, perhaps play a few games on my phone, and go to bed. I might make a "Grateful For" post tomorrow, because I already know what I want that one to be about. For now, deuces.

Huzzah!

October: an update

I know I've been gone a while, so I thought I should give a brief update:

Things were quiet around the first of the month. I watched the American League Championship Series (baseball) because the Texas Rangers were playing. They're now in the World Series playing the St. Louis Cardinals. Seeing as my mom was born and raised in St. Louis, and her half the family lives there, this has led to a house divided. My mom is a die-hard Cardinals fan, and my brother is supporting her. We live in Ranger territory. Since I was born in Florida but have lived most of my life in Texas, I'm rooting for the Texas Rangers. My sister is born & raised Texan, so obviously rooting for Texas. My dad is born and raised Texan, but his wife is rooting for the Cardinals, so mostly keeping his mouth shut....although he did make a nice quote tonight when a Cardinal caught a nice hit to the outfield- that it was a Cardinal sin. The looks my mom gave him were priceless. It's really led to a house divided, and even some battles amongst the family members. I think it'll end up being the Rangers winning, sadly, in St. Louis, rather than in their home field. *sigh*

My sister has been having marching competitions because it's marching season, and she's a clarinet in the marching band. They've done really well, advancing to area competition. If they do well at area they'll compete at state for the first time in school history. She also turned 16 on the 22nd, my baby sister is growing up so fast! She got some gifts she liked, and got to hang out with friends. If I could rewind and have a sweet 16 like that, I would. I went and saw Elf, and had to separate my "friends" because they hated each other, even though they barely knew each other, and neither of them even talks to me anymore...I don't know if that's good or bad. We went and had Red Lobster (and got stuffed, so much to eat), watched Paranormal Activity 3, and I think she had a good time.

I'm also in the transition period between dropping university services and finding outside services. In other university news, last week, I picked up my cap, gown, tassels, and degree. I'm in the process of getting tickets- I've signed up, and tickets will be released soon. I'm anxious. I'm still trying to pick a place to temporarily hang my degree in my room.

I'm also on the hunt for jobs, still. I have an interview at JCPenney on Thursday. I'm really nervous about it, and should I bring a resume? My resume needs to be completely retyped, and looks pretty horrible thus far. This is, though, my first interview amongst all the jobs I've applied for, so I'm ready to put everything I have into it. It's a retail job (oh the horror!!!) but I think I can handle it, after the previous retail job I've held in the holidays, as well as the communication skills I've built and the work ethic.

So that, so far, has been my October. We're preparing for Halloween (oh, this really is a horror, let me tell you). We usually have upwards of 600 trick or treaters- kept track of by packages of Pixi Stix. We buy enough for 600, sit on the patio out front (no use in sitting inside, they just come up the driveway/front path in lines, there's not even time to shut the door before the next kid is there), hand out one pixi stick and something else to each kid till we run out of Pixi Stix, then we shut the lights out (and still the doorbell rings, since we usually run out early).

Pollen and whatnot is all bothering right now, and most of the time I am ending the day with a bad headache and/or stuffy nose, watery eyes, something that makes me want to avoid typing this much. Today I did it, I finally mustered up enough to type a whole blog. I plan on coming back in November to my daily blogging, hopefully. As of now, I don't have much to blog about anyway, as my days are typically empty and boring. My whole month filled one blog. Pitiful, right?

Until next time,

Almost Wordless Wednesday

Mom's Birthday was this week. Half eaten cheesecake. Yum!

This is what lots of candles look like. Actually, there were only 12...

This is what today's resumé looks like. Well, before printing. 

Some slightly helpful materials. They don't write the resumé though...

This is what I consider a break. Oh, and I heard something about book week.

I'm a bit partial to this shelf

These aren't all of them. This is only a partial view- I couldn't get all of them. There are alsostill some in boxes, as well as some in the attic...many boxes. I don't know if I'll be able to fit them all, actually...I have books elsewhere also....*bookaholic...guilty!*

Things I know- Tardy!

Okay, so my Things I Know post is a little late and my Grateful For post was a little early- I got mixed up this week. Why? That's something I don't know. Here's what I do know:

• The American healthcare system sucks....and is way too expensive. It's not helpful at all for those who are "just making it"....just those who have money, or those without insurance who can go to free clinics and get assistance from drug companies and whatnot. I'm not in either category at the moment. 
• Mom's birthday was today. I love cheesecake. I love the Olive Garden. It was great :)
• I love, love, love my class ring. I got it today *squee!!*

• My resume is awful. My former teacher will look at it tomorrow and wonder where the student he taught went.
• My brother will not be growing out his mutton chops. Bwahahaha the power of women!!!
• Words and conversation have the power to change lives

Blogoversary- Giving Back

If you've been keeping up, you know that today, 4th September 2011, is my 1st blogoversary!!

I'm delighted (and surprised) to have made it as far as I have, with as much success as I have had, especially in the past few months. I started out my endeavor small, although I'm still really not all that big. To this day I bring in fewer than 200 people, some of them just dropping in, but as a blogoversary thing, I've checked on some stats recently:

In September of 2010, I brought in a total of 183 views, and December 187. Those were my highest traffic months, the only ones more than 80, until April 2011. Just yesterday I brought in 105, and the day before 189. My followers? Most of them have started following me since June & July. I've also set up a Facebook fan page- almost 50 likes already. I'm tickled! Numbers, numbers, that's not all that matters, though.

Before March there were absolutely no comments- content or not. I was writing simply because. I cared about my numbers, but I didn't know if people were reading. Since then, I've gotten 362 comments- yes, I've gotten some of the spammy ones, but I've gotten a lot that have content too. Some have made me laugh, some have made me cry. That people care, and leave comments with content that can evoke emotion...it's really nice.

I've also been more engaged on Twitter since my blog has been more engaged. Through my blog and through Twitter I've met more people that I never would have met otherwise- after all, they do live overseas, or out-of-state. I love having conversations with them. Some of them are the best friends I have.

But that's enough of that, right? Blogoversary- It's more of a type of birthday, but for a blog. But my blog doesn't want any type of gift...rather, it wants people to give back. Read on to see what I mean.

As part of my "blogoversary" one of the things I want to do is start a blog hop of my own. I know we all see blog hops, and one of the things about the blog hops that I see here in the US is that they tend to be "giveaway" related, or that you are "required" to visit about a billion other blogs, even those that link up after you, meaning you have to keep visiting the hop repeatedly after you link up until you've visited enough people to meet the requirement...a bit tedious? They also require that you follow the host, and the host tends to be a giveaway or coupon blogger, who only posts giveaway or coupon blogs...which clogs up the feeds...my feed has been clogged with giveaways and coupons for goodness knows how long. I attend them because I like finding new blogs. Sometimes I happen to find new blogs that I like there, by chance, so I continue to link up in hopes of finding blogs I like.

Well, it's high time I start one of my own...

Seeing as I'm all about doing things for other people, and helping people out, this is my idea-

I want you to do one good thing for someone, no matter how small- hold a door, lend a dollar, fix a meal, talk to someone who looks like they need a friend, help unpack a box, write a letter, donate some clothes that you haven't worn that are still in good condition, anything you can think of, and write about it. Each week, after you've done something little, write about it- what you did, and what came out of it- if you don't know, then write that, because sometimes you don't know- and link it up to the hop. We'll each be able to see the good things that someone else did, and even if you didn't do something, I'll encourage you to link up to a blog- because what matters is that we're making a connection. I would like everyone to do something little, and write about it, but I won't require it. I would like you to link up a blog about something small you did, but I won't require it. I will encourage you to visit someone else, but I won't require it.

In order to give people time to do something and write about it, I'll leave it open three days- American Monday to American Wedensday- that's Aussie Tuesday to Aussie Thursday- and like I said, even if you don't have a chance to do something every week, you can still link up. I will say that even doing something with or for your family members does count- spending a day out with the kids counts, for example.

The idea of this, really, is to do something that makes someone else feel good, or that helps them out. If you didn't know already, that's something that I'm really enthusiastic about. Just the effort is really important to me, because I know that not every effort is going to be successful, but trying is what really counts. I also know that not everyone has a lot of spare time to do something like this, but I would like to encourage it. Therefore, I'm not making it a requirement, just a request. I will probably debut the hop not this week, but next week- just to get some ideas and feedback on it- after all, it is a new-ish idea. I'm open to what people have to say.

I'd like this to be a way not only for people to be introduced to other people's blogs, but also for people to see what others are doing. All small things make a difference.

~"Nobody can do everything, but everyone can do something." -Author Unknown
~"Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you." -Mother Teresa
~"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." -Mahatma Gandhi
~"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back." -Maya Angelou

Grateful for the words

This week I'm grateful for the words to be able to say this:

The ability to read
The books that I have to read
Blogs to read
Bloggers who write things I like to read
Paper to write on & a computer to type on
People who read & some of whom appreciate what I write
The ability to make it all out and make it all make sense
The chance to take all this, and turn it into an opportunity to meet people from all over the world, share with them, and grow as a person
Being able to see an entire year as a blogger, realize how much I've grown, how much I've changed, and how much there still is to learn about
The words to be able to say what I need to say, communicate, get things across to someone, be understood, and be able to say "thank you"

This week, I'm grateful for all my bloggy friends & for my blogoversary, I want to thank them for making it all worth so much. I'm grateful for all the reading & writing opportunities that have happened, and everything that's come out of this. Much love to all of you!!

Things I Know- I have a blog

Another mostly lazy week. We did move most of the stuff back into my room, except the crap I'd like to weed through first to pull out the stuff I don't need. No pictures- lots of boxes and mess. Once things are sorted...maybe. There's still a lot of work to be done

Things I know:

• When you have no timeline, you lose track of time. I wrote a calendar for September and started it on the wrong day. Seriously. *facepalm*
• My blogoversary is on Monday. Wheeee!!!!!!!!
• It takes a lot of work to move stuff back into a room...more than it does to move stuff out of a room. Especially when it's the same room. 
• People don't always respond right away. Be prepared for this. It's because people usually have lives. Unlike you, Ashley. Get a life, Ashley!
• It's not very nice to berate yourself. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen. See above. 
• I like research. I don't hate research. In fact, I love research. I hate statistics. For the longest time, I thought I hated research, when really, it was the statistics part that I hated. Thank you, Dr. Bron, for helping me sort through this dilemma. Now I can actually say I love research!!! (She sorted it with me on twitter...thanks!!)
• People can care-more than you think- through a computer or phone- overseas or a few states away. The internet has broken down walls, county lines, state lines, and country borders. There are no longer the same boundaries as before- just remember to keep some boundaries. Boundaries are good, just be reasonable. 

And that's all. Being cooped up isn't really doing much for my knowledge. I don't know much more than I did last week. At least I know something....

Huzzah!!!

An Idea- Suggestions? Huzzah!!

I have an idea in mind, and it's going to take some time, and some thought, and it may not air as soon as I want it to (which would ideally be this week). It is my idea *nose up* copyright Ashley!

Personally, I like the idea of blog hops not even because of traffic (although that is an enticing side effect, and has brought me three times the traffic that I've ever had in the history of my blog, and 10 times the normal traffic...yeah buddy!), but because that's a place where you can find other blogs to connect to- that's where I've found all the blogs I like to read (and filtered out all the ones that I don't). I can choose which ones I want to follow, and discover other blogs out there that do hops in the process, and it really appeals to me, finding out just how many other people are out there.

So I want a hop of my own. Not a completely no rules hop (those cause mayhem and a influx of *follows back* readers), but a genuine hop, with an idea I created myself. This one you'd have to do something, even a small something, write about it, link that blog up, and voila, you'd be part of the hop! Of course, it would take some word spreading. I have 90 followers (as of 30 August 2011), and figuring that the majority of them are followers that don't really follow, it will start out small, but I want it to be the friendly kind of hop that doesn't push people away because of the nature of the hop.

Mind you, I'm just airing out an idea here, not actually putting it all out there yet, but I have some of the tools to put it together...I'm looking for name ideas, when I would to it (there are already a lot of weekend hops, and I don't want to interfere with those, then again, there are hops every day, so hmm), just how I would start it out, and when. This is sort of my blogoversary "I've been around a year, so here's my project of my own" type of project, as well as having seen others do hops that really suck (and some that are really excellent) and trying to figure out what works.

Of course, the best way to make it work would be to get feedback and ideas from *ideally* the first people who might see, talk about, and/or participate in this thing. After all, you're my target crowd. So, shoot me, ideas, thoughts, comments, anything? I do respond to comments and whatnot, and I'll try to keep this up top until it's time for the debut of my idea to become a reality. I also want to thank Glowless for her help last night (very much appreciated) and the people who genuinely follow my blog, and thanks in advance for the people who will genuinely follow and participate in this.

Huzzah!!!!!

Day 14: A Land Down Under & a Blogaversary Pimp

Day 14: Somewhere I'd love to travel

One of my biggest wishes is to travel.

Now, I know that the people around me are very paranoid insecure about people traveling, especially outside the country...and I have my eyes dead set on Australia. I know, of all places in the world, that is one place I want to travel before I die. Heck, I wouldn't mind living there.

It's got so much. Not that the people in Texas aren't friendly, but the people in
Australia are really friendly. I've never met an Australian I didn't like. I've met many, many Texans I didn't like, and even many more Americans I didn't like.

One misguided assumption is that because we're American, people are out to get us/hate us/want to kill us/abduct us/torture us everywhere we go, and that we're never safe. Yes, this does happen. It's something to be careful about, and be aware of. But this should not make people put a fence around the country and refuse to leave America. It irks me when people think that America is superior to every other country in the world- we do lack a lot of things that other countries have. No, we're not a third world country, and yes, we do have a lot of advanced things, but we are not superior to everyone.

Americans have very, very flawed thinking. They tend to think their way is the only way, and anyone not following their way is stupid, ignorant, a liar, uneducated, whatever. Then they go on to berate an belittle those not of their political/social/religious views as though the other person's beliefs have no basis. Very close-minded, very wrong. It's all about perspective, and accepting other people for who they are. Americans have a problem with this.

Actually, Americans have a lot of problems right now.

But that's not the point. The point is, I think that Australia would be an amazing place to visit, I could definitely handle the climate (after all, Texas is pretty damn moody with its temperatures and weather patterns), the people there have wicked awesome accents, they're friendly, and I'm sure they have their flaws, but they are such a tight-knit country, and sometimes, America could use that.

Plus, I'd love to see if their toilets really do flush backwards =P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also, it's worth mentioning that one of my fellow bloggers has his blogaversary today- The Simple Dude, who pimps blogs all the time, is a year old today. Happy blogaversary, Dude. Visit him, wish him a happy blogaversary, and consider buying his book on Amazon- it's really interesting, and pretty helpful too, as well as being cheap enough to not throw you into debt. And it's about blogs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm also taking donations for anyone who would like to see me visit Australia :) just kidding (although donations would be nice, lol)

Signs

Finally, it's time for the end of the semester- the majority of my work is completed and turned in, finals week is on its way. My practice class is finished meeting, and before the extra credit I did, I stilll have an A in there :) and I think my policy class is going well so far too. We just have minor edits to make to our final paper. Biology and research still have their finals coming up, so I'll be doing a lot of studying, but at least the workload is easing up some. I actually had spare time last night! A very welcome surprise.

I had my 23rd birthday on Monday, and while I had a lot of things to do, I did take some me time to watch some shows on the DVR, and we went to Red Lobster for dinner. This was the fun part!! Our waiter was ÜBER attractive....and my age :D ; when we got there, I found out that they discontinued the shrimp that I had specifically chosen to go there for!!! I asked the waiter about it, and when he told me it had been discontinued, I said "but I specifically chose to come here for my birthday for that shrimp!!"....and he had the cook whip some up for me.

I got all goofy...I'm very shy. My parents told me that I should leave my number, but I was way too chicken; I only got so far as writing it down, but shoved it in my pocket. My mom left my number on the table, and I think I was about 20 shades of red, because I didn't get a chance to take it away before he got to it...no call yet though, which is kinda lucky because I wouldn't know what to say; I've never been with a guy before.

I saw a guy turn at a no-turn-on-red sign and immediately there were flashing red and blue lights; I had to laugh a little. Yes, the sign is very new...but it is difficult to miss! Now I know they're serious. I have no idea what the purpose is of not letting someone turn right on red like the rest of the lights....but meh, it's no big deal.

I got drug tested and a TB test for my internship on Wednesday, and even though I failed because of a prescription, I was smart enough to provide documentation so that they counted it as a pass....go me!! Don't use drugs-I got into that once, and the results aren't pretty; luckily, I was able to pull myself out of the drug use on my own. Now I know better; I learnt from the consequences. I learnt the hard way. I have to get the results of the TB test today after 15:15, so that's why I'm hanging around the school, typing a blog, maybe I'll play a few games on the iPod or study or something. Just something to pass the time, yanno?

I've got 3 finals coming up, only one of which I'm not worried about unless I accumulate another absence between now and then. I don't think I will. I get to drop the final if it's the lowest if I don't miss class; my other exam grades are enough to pull an A in lecture, it's the lab that's gonna kill me, because I missed so many (it's an early class for me which I didn't want but had no choice). Research....I hope my paper turnedout well enough to salvage my grade, but the instructor doesn't like me, so she's gonna nitpick, which is why I did the extra credit too. Pulled an all-nighter, just hoping it was worth it and all.

Signs. Apparently there are signs that I don't recognize, which lead people to tell me that they can tell I'm passionate about doing mental health social work, and they think I'll be great at it. I am passionate about it, I just didn't know I radiated that passion. They also mention how knowledgeable I am about it, but that's mostly experience speaking...but it's helpful nevertheless. Last Tuesday I had to wing a presentation because I lost my notecard, people said they could tell I knew a lot, and I ended up getting an A on the presentation. Perhaps I'm smarter than I give myself credit for, because I don't see the signs. This said, I must thank the people who put up with me and still compliment me despite the fact I can't believe any of the compliments I receive.

A lot can be told by signs. They usually mean something and are there for a reason. They help us take care of ourselves, keep us safe, and let us know when there's a problem. I heard the song "Signs" today, so it's a little stuck in my head. That song makes me pay more attention to signs. Just as long as I'm not walking into them (yes, I've done that), it's cool.

Anyway, I'm a bit tired still, so I'm gonna give myself a rest....deuces

Home sweet homework

Now that I'm back in Texas, I'm a bit disappointed. I didn't do much "relaxing" on my weekend off. I did gamble the whole weekend on $20 (plus $10 one casino gave me for having a November birthday, lol). Other than that, though, all I did was the homework I could without an Internet connection or jump drive. It seems I just don't know how to take a break.

My biology prof gave me some food for thought today- see, fire is one of the few things that decomposes trees (besides certain fungi and Protista that live in termites- the termites cannot digest the wood, the Protista inside them do). She claimed that when we stopped letting the habitat use fires when necessary by letting them burn naturally, we are allowing sick trees to live because their environment won't support any of the other decomposers. This is an interesting thought...if we let fires burn until they endangered humans, what would the environment look like?

On another topic, my brother has claimed that it is people who drive slow whom are the ones causing most accidents. I can see how this is true among certain cases, such as those who slow down to text while they're driving, or those who are lost and paying more attention to street signs than traffic, but I don't think this is a generalization that can be made about all drivers. He thinks that if the speed limits were raised, it would be safer to drive. I disagree with this viewpoint- if you have a busy town and create a high speed limit, it won't eliminate traffic like he claims, or make it any safer. When going faster, the driver has less time to respond to the environment around them, and it's harder to predict what will happen. There will be those who drive even faster, weaving in and out of other cars, putting everyone in danger. There will still be people that drive slow.

I just don't see how a higher speed limit can be safer and prevent traffic. I mean, taking a look at highway driving through the cities; the speed limit may be 65-70, but along highways like I35W north and southbound through Fort Worth- when it's busy, it doesn't matter what the speed limit is, 50 or 70, you're still going to be driving at a snail's pace. What difference would raising the speed limit make?? If there are a lot of cars, there are a lot of cars, and that's that.

I also thought I'd mention something funny that my dad said- that Fox News is a reliable and honest source that presents all angles of politics, and that everything is factual- when, in fact, they present anything that doesn't fit their super-conservative perspective in a negative light, just convincing its viewers further that their ideology is the only proper ideology, and that all others are ruining the country. I'll have to find some vids or something where they present the liberal viewpoint- which will be a task itself- and prove just how biased they are. When I proposed this idea, he immediately jumped to the accusations (again) that my liberal professors are "brainwashing" me. Honestly? I take their views into consideration, I take conservative views into consideration, and I make up my own mind, which puts me outside the bipartisan system, because my views just don't fall within the spectrum of either party. To extreme conservatives like them, though, I am perceived as a threat, and my views, which are very much I the middle because I'm not extreme enough to fall elsewhere, seem extremely liberal- it's all about perspective. It's simply because I'm not nearly as conservative that they are. A liberal would probably see me as a conservative, and the conservatives would consider me a liberal.

Honestly, though? I don't see why it matters. I'm not the one destroying anything. I like the consideration of multiple viewpoints, and since my beliefs aren't usually represented, I choose to not become part of the sheeple that vote one way or the other because heir parents did, or because of ethnicity or gender like some do; some even vote for the other candidate simply because the first is ugly, or old, or has a big nose. What kind of politics is that?

I think that if they have enough prestige and knowledge to get to the election candidacy, then they are probably (key word being probably) competent enough to hold he office. Besides, none of our votes individually count- it's not the popular votes that win, it's the votes made by the electoral college. I can vote liberal 100 times in my county, which is very conservative, and I'd still lose the popular vote, and the representative, who is supposed to, generally, vote according to what their constituents would vote, would still vote the same. The popular vote is just a way to make people believe that their vote really does count, and many actually believe it.

Anyways, politics aren't exactly my cup of tea, so I'll change topics now.

I'm considering graduate school, once I get my BSW (Bachelor's of Social Work), but I'm not exactly sure whether I'll be able to. For one hing, graduate school is extremely expensive, and means additional schooling. It also means I probably won't be able to successfully hold a job- meaning less income, and living with my parents even longer. I think I've already overstayed my welcome. Besides, I've been dying for years to be on my own and away from my family enough to appreciate them more, instead of being around them constantly and getting exasperated of them. There's also my GPA, which is horrendous, not because I neglected school, but because my mental condition, coupled with a tendency to overwork myself and desire to do everthing and succeed, led to a detrimental downward spiral, very similar to the one I'm experiencing now, which hindered my academic performance tremendously. I often wonder what I could have done different that would fix things, but he only thing I can think of is lowering my goals, which seems disappointing and depressing.

I'm having trouble again now, because I'm taking upper level classes that no student should ever take concurrently, and expecting so much out of myself that it's draining me. Hence, my weekend off was spent doing not much more than homework and a few hours of gambling (oh, and 13-14 hours on the road, where I can't read). It's going to negatively affect something because I didn't work enough, and I'm already far enough behind. So, instead of being happy to be home, I'm quite frustrated and stressed because I've accomplished nothing, and now, if I try to take a rest, I'll be destroying everything. I just don't know what to do anymore....

Not a material girl

Now is the time of year when the dreaded question begins to come up- actually, two questions- what do you want for your birthday? What do you want for Christmas?

I really have a hard time answering this question. You see, I have everything a person could want or need... So what else could I ask for? I now have the iPod touch, a car, a roof over my head, a nice stereo both in my room and my car, a (small, but that doesn't matter) television in my room, a cell phone, a laptop, what else am I supposed to ask for? The one thing I can think of is a desire to have my tuition paid without worry about whether there will be enough money. Of course, this is a lot to ask, and it's not quite as "material" as my parents want-- they want to be able to GIVE me something.

The issue is, I'm not as materialistic as some people- gifts matter even if they're not tangible, and I don't have to hold it to appreciate it. I already appreciate what I have. I find that material gifts offer no comfort or satisfaction...they're just things. I don't see how I could ask for more without being a selfish spoiled brat. Is this wrong for me to feel?

After all, the holidays are really not about giving gifts; rather, one should appreciate what they have, and be willing to love and sacrifice to others without expecting anything back. Unfortunately, I have nothing to give except for my caring. Sometimes that makes me feel like i don't even deserve the non-material, intangible things. Until then, I have to force myself to think materialistically and figure out what it is that I truly want.

I didn't eat the whole cake!!

I see it's been quite a while since I've written anything...I've been so busy that my blog has gone by the wayside. I'll try to give an abbreviated update, since I'm typing on my iPod and it's a bit awkward.

Just after the last post, I took a second piece of my sister's birthday cake, which happened to be the last piece. I left it waiting for a couple days before [I thought] it was safe. WRONG!! My sister went berserk and is still complaining that Ashley ate all her birthday cake. She should have taken a stab at it sooner!! Lol. I'll never hear the end of this one.....

The week after my last post, before falling into a deep, deep depression, I turned in 2 papers- one, I got a 18.1/19 available points, the other 244/250 (why can't they just be normal and use percentages???). Well, I thought I'd do a little better after pulling all-nighters, but I still did fairly well. I started missing a lot of class because my life started falling apart :(

My parents' 24th anniversary was 1 Nov. and we went to Olive Garden. Not too exciting, except I had another paper due the next day, my printer wasn't cooperating, I ended up pulling another all-nighter and not finishing. Very disappointing.

This past Wednesday, the 3rd, I had my interview for my internship, which I'll be starting in January. Of course, being the casual person I am, I had nothing to wear.we went and bought a suit outfit at JCPenney, which really felt foreign to me, but it looked nice I guess. Except the pants were 3 inches too long and dragged the ground even in heels. So the three inch shorter pants would still drag the ground were I not wearing heels, lol.
I wore heels.
I got the position!

I've been having problems with a "friend" attacking everything I say, and being the non-confrontational person I am, this makes me uncomfortable. They're not in the least bit hesitant to voice their opinion, and they know I won't stand up and fight them, meaning they win. That really sucks....

For the most part though, things have been pretty crappy- busy (paper-writing) and miserable (depression). I'm still around though. Just probably not in the best of spirits. I'll be working on it....Ciao for now!