Fall 2010, Short & Sweet

So, I've made it to the end of semester, as has been mentioned before. Of course, the peak of the end of semester is at finals, then the second wind comes when grades are due. Well, grades were finalized today.

Let's start with biology. And let's be honest. I have no need to know what phylum a sea mouse or sea cucumber come from. I have no need to know whether a flower will have pink or purple flowers. I'll never use Mendelian genetics for anything. And I really don't care how mitosis and meiosis differ. Honestly? I don't even give a flying shit. You know what? I still got a B. Celebration 1!!

Next comes Social Work Practice III. Now, we have 3 levels of practice class we have to take, Practice 1, which covers the definition of micro practice, II covers the details of micro practice, and III covers all of macro practice. I got an A in the first two. I kicked ass on the individual paper. I had to pull a lot of work in the group paper, but still did well on that. Rocked the presentation. Final grade? A!!

Next comes Social Welfare Policy. Now, you wanna talk about a class that's difficult? Take my policy professor, she'll change your mind quick. That class REALLY had momentum, multiple assignments to keep us moving ahead, group discussions, group papers, group presentations, and an individual letter which I also kicked ass on. This is one of the classes that I was dreading, and was told it would be sooooo hard. I was also told not to take it with the next class I'm about to post about. Final grade in Policy? A!!!

Now for the killer. I cried over my midterm. I got a 68 on the midterm exam, and my midterm average was a 78. I thought I had no hope, and I was really putting everything I had left in that class trying to pass. I was discouraged for the entire semester, knowing that my research skills, beyond finding journals, were lacking. I was at a loss. I felt like it was the end of the world. I felt like I was gonna die. I was told never to take policy and research together, and I only did it because of scheduling issues. At 11pm, I logged into MyMav, the student information system, where the main page said grades had been finalized. I was crossing my fingers and praying that I got at least a D.....but praying more for a C. The grades pull up and I'm silent.

Why am I silent? My eyes are closed. I take a peek. Oh crap, I forgot to select which semester. Fall 2010. Submit. Cover eyes. Dramatically. Approximately 11:10 I open my eyes, and let out a scream like I've never screamed before. I GOT A B!!! Now, usually, I'd be like :( frowny face I didn't get my A......but this class was tough, and things weren't lookin too good. When you're praying to God for a C, imagine how a B feels!! Oh it feels mighty good.

This semester, Fall 2010, was the most difficult semester I ever had to endure, and is more difficult than anything I'll experience for the rest of my undergraduate education. I'm still in tears, rejoicing over such an exciting event, because I still can't believe it. Hell froze over, or imploded maybe, or maybe the professor was drunk when grading my final exam or final paper, but whatever the hell got me a B in that class, I'm so excited!!!! I'm gonna rock this Christmas by hanging out and having some me time because after this semester, I damn well deserve it. Now, off to bed so I can go learn self-defense tomorrow for my internship.

Deuces, yo.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

It's finally getting clear, that light at the end of the tunnel. It's coming to the close of the semester, and it's SUCH a relief to be almost done. If I merely attend class and attempt the lab final I'll get a B, but mathematically, I can't get an A, but that's ok, I just need a C for it to transfer, and for that, I don't even have to attempt the lab final, I just have to show up. I've already successfully finished one class with an A. Another, we've done our presentation and all our work except the final paper, which is written, except for the final revisions. I'm worried, though, about my research class. Maybe she'll realize how much work I put into the paper and be nice. I can only hope. 

I haven't been writing much since October because I've been in a bit of a ummm what's a good word....eh, in between a rock and a hard spot. Things have been rough for me, mood wise, classwork wise, etc. I'm ready for this semester to be OVER and I'm sure my stress level will go down 100%. I start training for my internship on Thursday the 16th, I'm so über excited!! Of course, it has to begin at 8 am, and since I have to go to downtown Ft. Worth I have to plan for horrible traffic ughh. But I think it'll be worth it. I passed my TB test of course, and I failed the drug test, but covered my ass with a doctor note because I'm prescribed the med that made me fail! 

I actually did a lot of relaxing this weekend, which is unusual for me. I probably played about 200 games of spider solitaire lol, I'm addicted! I play it on the ipod. I use that thing so much that I hardly use my laptop anymore. It's kind of funny. I just use my laptop for my school email (because my ipod doesn't pull all the emails up properly), and for flashchat. Oh, and if I want new pics or have a paper to work on or something. Even pics, I usually go to photobucket on the ipod. Amazing how addicted I've gotten to that thing. and I have a dock with speakers, so I can play music out loud with it at a volume I can hear, lol. Thanks to my sister for asking for the new one for her birthday, and giving me the new one!! 

This is my first blog written on the computer, rather than ipod, in a long time, and I'm not used to not having autocorrect, lol, which the ipod does for me. It's weird.

I've found some song lyrics that totally speak volumes about me.

‎"All my life, I've tried to make everybody happy, while I just hurt, and hide, waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide" -Sara Bareilles

 Lastly, I must complain about my biology class. I didn't sign up for a taxonomy class! Why do we have to memorize all the Kingdoms, Phyla, Class, and even some Species. WTF professor? We've spent half the semester on this shit! Move on! There's so much more to biology! I was told to take it because of the human component, not because of the taxonomy!! I won't give a damn what phylum a sea rat is when I am doing social work!! (it's Annelida by the way- segmented worm? Whatever.)

Well it's gonna be a fun week. I'm almost done. YAY!! I'll be able to think of things other than research and science!! Next semester, I'm taking Psychology of Personality, Microeconomics, and my Field Course which includes my internship plus a 2 hour credit seminar on Monday nights. It'll be such a relief compared to this. I'll still be going to 2 schools x_x that's not exactly fun. Oh well. 

Auf Weidersehen! ♪♫♪♫

Signs

Finally, it's time for the end of the semester- the majority of my work is completed and turned in, finals week is on its way. My practice class is finished meeting, and before the extra credit I did, I stilll have an A in there :) and I think my policy class is going well so far too. We just have minor edits to make to our final paper. Biology and research still have their finals coming up, so I'll be doing a lot of studying, but at least the workload is easing up some. I actually had spare time last night! A very welcome surprise.

I had my 23rd birthday on Monday, and while I had a lot of things to do, I did take some me time to watch some shows on the DVR, and we went to Red Lobster for dinner. This was the fun part!! Our waiter was ÜBER attractive....and my age :D ; when we got there, I found out that they discontinued the shrimp that I had specifically chosen to go there for!!! I asked the waiter about it, and when he told me it had been discontinued, I said "but I specifically chose to come here for my birthday for that shrimp!!"....and he had the cook whip some up for me.

I got all goofy...I'm very shy. My parents told me that I should leave my number, but I was way too chicken; I only got so far as writing it down, but shoved it in my pocket. My mom left my number on the table, and I think I was about 20 shades of red, because I didn't get a chance to take it away before he got to it...no call yet though, which is kinda lucky because I wouldn't know what to say; I've never been with a guy before.

I saw a guy turn at a no-turn-on-red sign and immediately there were flashing red and blue lights; I had to laugh a little. Yes, the sign is very new...but it is difficult to miss! Now I know they're serious. I have no idea what the purpose is of not letting someone turn right on red like the rest of the lights....but meh, it's no big deal.

I got drug tested and a TB test for my internship on Wednesday, and even though I failed because of a prescription, I was smart enough to provide documentation so that they counted it as a pass....go me!! Don't use drugs-I got into that once, and the results aren't pretty; luckily, I was able to pull myself out of the drug use on my own. Now I know better; I learnt from the consequences. I learnt the hard way. I have to get the results of the TB test today after 15:15, so that's why I'm hanging around the school, typing a blog, maybe I'll play a few games on the iPod or study or something. Just something to pass the time, yanno?

I've got 3 finals coming up, only one of which I'm not worried about unless I accumulate another absence between now and then. I don't think I will. I get to drop the final if it's the lowest if I don't miss class; my other exam grades are enough to pull an A in lecture, it's the lab that's gonna kill me, because I missed so many (it's an early class for me which I didn't want but had no choice). Research....I hope my paper turnedout well enough to salvage my grade, but the instructor doesn't like me, so she's gonna nitpick, which is why I did the extra credit too. Pulled an all-nighter, just hoping it was worth it and all.

Signs. Apparently there are signs that I don't recognize, which lead people to tell me that they can tell I'm passionate about doing mental health social work, and they think I'll be great at it. I am passionate about it, I just didn't know I radiated that passion. They also mention how knowledgeable I am about it, but that's mostly experience speaking...but it's helpful nevertheless. Last Tuesday I had to wing a presentation because I lost my notecard, people said they could tell I knew a lot, and I ended up getting an A on the presentation. Perhaps I'm smarter than I give myself credit for, because I don't see the signs. This said, I must thank the people who put up with me and still compliment me despite the fact I can't believe any of the compliments I receive.

A lot can be told by signs. They usually mean something and are there for a reason. They help us take care of ourselves, keep us safe, and let us know when there's a problem. I heard the song "Signs" today, so it's a little stuck in my head. That song makes me pay more attention to signs. Just as long as I'm not walking into them (yes, I've done that), it's cool.

Anyway, I'm a bit tired still, so I'm gonna give myself a rest....deuces

Lucky me

It seems I always have this horrible type of luck which completely wrecks things.

Take this morning for example. I got ready early, and left early...then things started to go wrong. I enter sonic, and since the drive thru part is empty, I pull up to the speaker to order my one item- a drink. She tells me to hold on, and 5 minutes later, finally takes my order. I started getting a little nervous, even though I still had a little extra time, because I wanted to look over my notes before the exam.

Things go smoothly for a while; that is, until I get into Arlington, about 5 miles before my exit.....there's a car wreck at Kelly Elliot, and the traffic is backed up, a parking lot, for ~4 miles. I try to exit early...but I don't know the area well, and it's 1 1/2 miles before I can crawl to the next exit. Unfortunately, this is through a more populated, busy part if town, but it's my only option.

I start looking for a side road name I recognize, since the cross streets at Green Oaks and Collins should be the same. Bardin!! I turn. Nope, this is only part of Bardin. Now I'm on Kelly Elliot. Do I go back to the highway? I doubt I have time. [continue driving] WTF I'm at Green Oaks again? [turn correct direction] now I'm ~3 miles from the street I need to be on, so the next crossroads should be Cooper, Matlock, then Collins. Wait, what street is this? And this? People stop slowing down, I'm running late now!!

11.37am, I finally find Collins. The exam is at 11.45 and I still have to get down Southeast Ave. and park. I step on it, almost running a red light, getting to the college around 11.44. The exam starts in one minute, and I still have to park!!! So I pull in the first parking space I see and start running to class, hoping that nobody has rushed thru the exam and finished and turned it in within 5 minutes.

11.54 I arrive in the classroom, and she's nice, she lets me take the exam. Shocking!! Now, though, I run into a few more problems. A) because I ran, I'm having an asthma attack. In the quiet lecture hall during an exam. B) I'm not supposed to be running on that knee yet. It hurts like hell. C) My phone goes off... I forgot to pit it on silent. D) I didn't get a chance to look over my notes, I come out uncertain on a lot of answers, and there are a few where I don't follow my gut feeling. Of course, I should know better.

Now here I sit, writing about my very troublesome morning...just seems to be like this every day lately. This is just one example. I'm getting discouraged, because this really sucks. It probably doesn't help that I've stopped my meds....what's the point? I feel awful with or without. I'm really losing help. Coming to the end of my rope.

Thanksgiving break in one week, I remind myself. 3 presentations on Tuesday, a research paper that has to be written in entirety over the break (Thursday-Sunday), but at least it's a little longer than a normal weekend. Well, I won't be able to do any of it on thanksgiving, but I can work on it the other few days. That is, if everything doesn't go wrong like today *facepalm* I graduate in August. I graduate in August. I hope I last that long, and don't fail anything between now and then. On the other hand, I don't know if it's worth the struggle and all the shit I go thru for this. *le sigh*

Home sweet homework

Now that I'm back in Texas, I'm a bit disappointed. I didn't do much "relaxing" on my weekend off. I did gamble the whole weekend on $20 (plus $10 one casino gave me for having a November birthday, lol). Other than that, though, all I did was the homework I could without an Internet connection or jump drive. It seems I just don't know how to take a break.

My biology prof gave me some food for thought today- see, fire is one of the few things that decomposes trees (besides certain fungi and Protista that live in termites- the termites cannot digest the wood, the Protista inside them do). She claimed that when we stopped letting the habitat use fires when necessary by letting them burn naturally, we are allowing sick trees to live because their environment won't support any of the other decomposers. This is an interesting thought...if we let fires burn until they endangered humans, what would the environment look like?

On another topic, my brother has claimed that it is people who drive slow whom are the ones causing most accidents. I can see how this is true among certain cases, such as those who slow down to text while they're driving, or those who are lost and paying more attention to street signs than traffic, but I don't think this is a generalization that can be made about all drivers. He thinks that if the speed limits were raised, it would be safer to drive. I disagree with this viewpoint- if you have a busy town and create a high speed limit, it won't eliminate traffic like he claims, or make it any safer. When going faster, the driver has less time to respond to the environment around them, and it's harder to predict what will happen. There will be those who drive even faster, weaving in and out of other cars, putting everyone in danger. There will still be people that drive slow.

I just don't see how a higher speed limit can be safer and prevent traffic. I mean, taking a look at highway driving through the cities; the speed limit may be 65-70, but along highways like I35W north and southbound through Fort Worth- when it's busy, it doesn't matter what the speed limit is, 50 or 70, you're still going to be driving at a snail's pace. What difference would raising the speed limit make?? If there are a lot of cars, there are a lot of cars, and that's that.

I also thought I'd mention something funny that my dad said- that Fox News is a reliable and honest source that presents all angles of politics, and that everything is factual- when, in fact, they present anything that doesn't fit their super-conservative perspective in a negative light, just convincing its viewers further that their ideology is the only proper ideology, and that all others are ruining the country. I'll have to find some vids or something where they present the liberal viewpoint- which will be a task itself- and prove just how biased they are. When I proposed this idea, he immediately jumped to the accusations (again) that my liberal professors are "brainwashing" me. Honestly? I take their views into consideration, I take conservative views into consideration, and I make up my own mind, which puts me outside the bipartisan system, because my views just don't fall within the spectrum of either party. To extreme conservatives like them, though, I am perceived as a threat, and my views, which are very much I the middle because I'm not extreme enough to fall elsewhere, seem extremely liberal- it's all about perspective. It's simply because I'm not nearly as conservative that they are. A liberal would probably see me as a conservative, and the conservatives would consider me a liberal.

Honestly, though? I don't see why it matters. I'm not the one destroying anything. I like the consideration of multiple viewpoints, and since my beliefs aren't usually represented, I choose to not become part of the sheeple that vote one way or the other because heir parents did, or because of ethnicity or gender like some do; some even vote for the other candidate simply because the first is ugly, or old, or has a big nose. What kind of politics is that?

I think that if they have enough prestige and knowledge to get to the election candidacy, then they are probably (key word being probably) competent enough to hold he office. Besides, none of our votes individually count- it's not the popular votes that win, it's the votes made by the electoral college. I can vote liberal 100 times in my county, which is very conservative, and I'd still lose the popular vote, and the representative, who is supposed to, generally, vote according to what their constituents would vote, would still vote the same. The popular vote is just a way to make people believe that their vote really does count, and many actually believe it.

Anyways, politics aren't exactly my cup of tea, so I'll change topics now.

I'm considering graduate school, once I get my BSW (Bachelor's of Social Work), but I'm not exactly sure whether I'll be able to. For one hing, graduate school is extremely expensive, and means additional schooling. It also means I probably won't be able to successfully hold a job- meaning less income, and living with my parents even longer. I think I've already overstayed my welcome. Besides, I've been dying for years to be on my own and away from my family enough to appreciate them more, instead of being around them constantly and getting exasperated of them. There's also my GPA, which is horrendous, not because I neglected school, but because my mental condition, coupled with a tendency to overwork myself and desire to do everthing and succeed, led to a detrimental downward spiral, very similar to the one I'm experiencing now, which hindered my academic performance tremendously. I often wonder what I could have done different that would fix things, but he only thing I can think of is lowering my goals, which seems disappointing and depressing.

I'm having trouble again now, because I'm taking upper level classes that no student should ever take concurrently, and expecting so much out of myself that it's draining me. Hence, my weekend off was spent doing not much more than homework and a few hours of gambling (oh, and 13-14 hours on the road, where I can't read). It's going to negatively affect something because I didn't work enough, and I'm already far enough behind. So, instead of being happy to be home, I'm quite frustrated and stressed because I've accomplished nothing, and now, if I try to take a rest, I'll be destroying everything. I just don't know what to do anymore....

Home sweet....homework

We've arrived back at home and I've already begun digging in the pile of excrement the profs assign every semester thinking theirs is the only class a student is taking (ha! That is almost never the case!).

Since we're speaking of homework, here's a thought- what amount of homework is proper and beneficial, and at what point does it become a sadomasochistic nightmare that is detrimental to a student's career and grades? Where is that line?

I have no problem with homework- actually, the more structure an environment such as a class has, the more comfortable I am, the better I perform. Classes with little to no structure really bother me, and I find myself having a difficult time keeping up with everything.

I've had some good profs, then I've also had the ones that shouldn't even have a degree, muh less lecture a class. This semester, I ended up win a load of hard-ass profs that wouldn't care if I was in the hospital, they'd still take points off my grade for it. I could wreck, but they wouldn't care.

I'm having enough troubles this semester- spraining both my ankle and my knee, depression getting worse, tight on money, groups in class that aren't really cohesive so I'm having to pick up the slack when I'm already taking a heavier class load than I ever have (and ever will, hopefully). I take the weight of the world on my shoulders.....I guess that's supposed to make me strong, but I'm not. I feel guilty about being out of state all weekend without my jump drive and wifi...and all my groups know I feel like I'm not doing enough, but they aren't letting me do more...so I'm really worried about this stuff, especially after the group paper I had to turn in last week.

Well, at least I'm in (kinda) the home stretch for the semester. I wonder how much I can handle. Some nights, I find myself fearing for my own safety (and I'm sure my therapist isn't too enthused with this episode). All I can do for now is keep trying my best, even though my best is never good enough- but it's all I can do.

Ciao for now ♪♫♪♫