Day 20: Learning through Experience

Day 20: Something You Wished You'd Forget

Well, with the memory I have, there are a lot of things I'd rather forget that I really don't forget.

There are a few things that have happened that I'd really rather forget, and etching them into a blog makes them more real, more tangible, and they'll be here to haunt me on the interwebz forever.

Working for Unidentified Food Chain, I was really unhappy, and had some really unpleasant experiences, but I worked my way through it. Working for Big Circle Box Store, I wasn't necessarily happy, but I don't think I had any experiences that I'd rather forget. My internship? The only thing I'd rather forget is the ending. In fact, I did get to share some experiences there, and it was helpful, I found. It was great. I loved the feeling.

Overall, I wouldn't say that things are bad, they really aren't all that bad at all. I've had isolated things happen that were bad enough that I'd rather forget them, such as my car accident in 2010, or some of the things that happened at Unidentified Food Chain. My first few years of college were pretty rocky, and just being myself in itself has been a rocky experience. In high school some not-so-wonderful things happened, but I was able to persevere and deal with them. Bits of my memory are littered with things I don't want to remember, as well as some I would like to remember.

I think, though, that those things that I'd rather forget have probably taught me a lot of lessons that I needed to learn. Things happen for a reason. I mean, I'd rather forget them, but concealed to most, they've taught me lessons that I wouldn't have otherwise been able to learn, or that would have otherwise been more difficult to learn. That's not to say I'm happy that horrible things happen- I'm certainly not! It's the perseverance that got me through them, and finally being able to overcome the obstacles, seeing the lessons that I've learnt from them, and realizing why I went through what I did, that makes me realize that it wasn't all just torture.

Yes, I'd like to forget a lot of things. But, in forgetting those things, I'd be forgetting a lot of life lessons, and I don't want to have to go back and learn them all again. I definitely know a lot more than I used to know, and I'm glad I know the things that I know. I'm glad to share the knowledge I have (without going too far into my experiences). It's part of what makes me who I am, and what has brought me to the point where I am in life.

Huzzah!

From Excitement to Fear

Anyone who has read a few, or maybe even just one of my posts, knows that I've been really excited about completing college (read here, here, here, here, here, here, and here, and that's just some of what I've blogged since the beginning of 2011). I was even really upset when it was almost taken away from me. I've been talking about it a lot, and finishing after six years and a lot of hard work is a really exciting thing, although I'm certain a few people are like "ok, I've heard enough already."

But now it's turned to a great big ball of apprehension. I mean massive. I mean Texas-sized. Not like comparing Texas hamburger buns to regular buns (yes, I did that once, there's not much of a difference). I mean that I'm constantly thinking about how afraid I am of finishing. It's like I've finally reached the end of that tunnel, yes! The end of the tunnel!....What's after the tunnel? I don't know.

I know that I have to get a license. I've started the process, but I only have one professional contact that has given me the go-ahead to put them on my application to sit for the exam. Yes, I have to have professional contacts to apply to take the exam. I'm still waiting for everyone else to respond. Some of them I've been poking with a (non-literal) fork. I've sent e-mails. Called. You get the idea. The ones that I see in person, I've asked in person, and they've asked me to send e-mails, to which they never responded. Once I send in the information, I still have to wait for an exam date, take the jurisprudence exam online, take the exam at designated location, and wait for it to be processed before I can be licensed.

I have to do all this before most places will hire me.

Which means no job yet. Wait, what? A degree but no job? Yep.

And it's not just that. The health center? Man, their costs were great. I can't go there anymore. The library? They had all this access to all these articles for no cost? Gone. All university services, gone, because I'm not technically a student anymore, remember? I don't know what happens to my university e-mail address. I'll no longer be able to park on campus, though. Talking to graduate admissions at the school of social work? I'll have to park off campus for that. I don't even know if that's legal. They certainly don't have visitor parking.

What about while I'm in between. What am I going to do while I'm waiting for all this licensing shit crap process to finish? I won't have a job, and I won't be in school. Nobody will want to hire me because I won't have a licensed, but I'll be "overqualified" for entry level jobs. I have no idea what to do, besides apply for jobs. I guess I could make that a job in itself, but then what? Licensure could take up to three months. *groan*

I don't know what to do once I'm out of school. I've never been out of school. To make matters worse, I'm still living in my parents' house. I feel like I'm graduating high school, not college. I'm nervous, and scared, because this is different. I never had the moving out experience. I never had a lot of experiences that I'm going to soon have all at once.

And it really didn't hit me that this was REAL until I looked at the countdown on my phone (see, I told you I wasn't excited) and it read two weeks. Something triggered in my mind that said "oh shit, this is real." and now I am almost paralyzed with fear. Constant, heart-gripping fear that I cover up with excitement. I announced that I was excited with the 98 I got on my psychology midterm. I was really afraid because that's my last midterm. I have one last paper, one last presentation, one last final, two more quizzes, and I'm done.

Someone hold me.

The Countdown Begins...again

As promised, even though I'm extremely tired, and my computer is not letting me access internet (so I'm typing it on my phone!), I've got some extremely good news to share!

The social work department and I have teamed up and come up with a decision that has made me happy and they feel confident about their decision. I will, after all this ordeal, still be graduating in August!! Success!!! I cried. I screamed. I think I freaked a few people out. I'm elated. Counting, again, the days to the end of the summer.

Now it's time to do some heavy-duty job hunting, work on my resume, and finish what I've got left. I'm so excited that we were able to work things out!! In less than a month, I will be a college grad. =D

Sixty-seventh Street

Life is a little bit different for everyone. Most of us agree that life sucks at one time or another. We've all heard the "life sucks, then you die" quote about a billion times. I like this one better, because it seems more parallel to my life. Not because I've had cancer or anything like that, but because I have pretty crappy luck compared to most people I know.

I mean, I came back from "vacation" to a room that had been flooded from the hot water heater flooding the house; I was the only one that sustained any real property damage. I got fired from my internship the day we got back. I'm short on medication because the insurance company wouldn't approve it before we left, so I had to wait until we got back....but my car was in the shop for an oil change and some funny noises, and my pharmacy is 30 miles away. Not that any (of the same price echelon) are closer. So I have to wait til tomorrow. My field instructor at the time, the one that fired me, wanted me to see a therapist, who is also quite far away. I was not about to ask for favors. I just wanted to go home and climb under a blanket.

So, it's not "life sucks, then you die." No, it goes much further than that (except I've never had cancer or been married....ok, my hardships are different, but the precedent is similar)

“Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.”

-Dennis Leary

So there's a thought for you to chew on today. I'm not saying by any means that my life is awful and that nobody else has it worse, because there are plenty out there that have it worse, but right now, I think I need to complain. Things aren't exactly going smoothly, you know? Perhaps my "cancer" will go into remission soon, but I'm not taking any bets. I don't really want a new dog, and I don't want to get remarried. I'd pay the medical bills if I could get a decent job, or even get a job in the first place.

I need to watch out for those curbs, too. I've stepped off a curb and into the street, only to fall flat on the face, and not catch myself until after the light turned green. Then I could have been roadkill. Ouch. Let's just hope things get better *at least temporarily* from here. After all, this guy said things got at least a bit better for a while. Let's hope that happens, k? My carpet will turn out ok, I'll find another great internship, I'll do well in my classes, finish in August, and we can pretend none of this ever happened. Yea, that'll be good. Yes? I think so.

Deuces, yo.

Move Forward

Terminated.

Like a bug that's been squashed.

That's what's been going through my head all day. I had a meeting this morning, after arriving home late last night, about the fate of my internship. After talking through what happened, that's what I heard, terminated. I gave up my badge, my keys, and broke down. I don't think there have been that many times that I have been that upset. I've been pretty upset at times before, but that was one of the worst.

I try not to do things wrong. I go through things meticulously. I was in a hurry and I made a mistake, unknowingly, and now I'm suffering the consequences. It may mean one or more extra semesters in school, as well as another field placement. They'll have to know about why I was terminated. It'll follow me. I may be able to find a placement, but between finding a placement, interviewing, training, and whatnot, I don't know if I'll be able to meet the requisite 100 hours remaining by the end of the semester. Meaning I'd fail if I tried.

I'm at a loss. Just over two weeks ago, I had no idea. I was expecting graduation. I was excited. I was planning individual sessions and joking with interns and counselors. I was walking around there with familiarity and I was doing a good job. They even said I was doing a good job, but sometimes that's just not enough.

Now I've lost it. I've lost my internship. I've been told I might possibly fail the course, if I don't find another internship, and have to retake it in the fall. That's right, I'd have to extend my attendance, I wouldn't complete my degree in August, which I've been looking forward to. This is crushing. Disastrous.

Now I'm stuck in this self-pity hole. When we came back, I had to clean up some, because we're going to have to replace some carpet, and our house was kind of a disaster from the hot-water heater deciding to go out the same day we left. I'm still finding things that were affected by the water. And smelly now. Between being so depressed over losing my internship, and cleaning my room, that's been my whole day. Oh, and I ate dinner. I called the office to see what I could do. I don't have many jobs.

I'm already tedious, but I know I'll be much more careful to not make any oversights in the future. They've told me I was lucky to make this mistake as an intern and not as a licensed or practicing employee. I suppose they are right, but I will still owe some form of explanation in the future, so it's still not easy. I'll probably never be able to work for the agency in any capacity. Some agencies might deny me because of the oversight I made. I've been told it's a learning opportunity, and I think it could be, if it doesn't prevent me from ever getting a position in the future. If it doesn't prevent me from getting a degree.

For now, it's just a waiting game. I'll just have to watch and see how things unfold, and try to keep myself from really breaking down any further. This was really a huge blow to me, I loved my internship. I was looking forward to being done, but I didn't want to be finishing it in this capacity. I wanted to be finishing it successfully. I wanted to be walking out with my head held high, rather than low, but we don't always get what we ask for. I don't know where I'll go from here, but I guess I have to move forward, since that's the way that time travels, and I have no other choice. Other than that, I don't know, for now.

Deuces,

Flags and Fireworks

This is going to be more of a story type blog- I've had a busy time, and not much time to think of anything creative!

As the majority of you know, I'm sure (and if you don't, you probably have never heard of the US), yesterday (as of the minute I am typing this) was Independence Day in America. Of course, for the ladies that means dressing up in a lot of red, white, and blue and talking with other ladies, and for the guys, it means barbecuing and blowing a lot of things up (I have this confirmed with several sources). We, of course, forget the true meaning, the founding of our country. Ironic, though, that the Declaration of Independence wasn't fully signed on July 4th- some of you might not know this- just some of the signatures went on paper that day. I'm not sure of the exact date without looking it up, but signatures stretched beyond at least September that year, 1776 (how many knew the year?), and the date July 4th was chosen because this was the day that Congress is said to have approved the adoption of the Declaration.

Well, we have been in the St. Louis area this week visiting relatives, and we had a fireworks show of our own- low maintenance, probably expensive; my uncle bought the fireworks, neighbors of his bought some too. We all went into the cul-de-sac and shot off the fireworks, and it was nice. The kids lit the smaller stuff in the early evening (dare I say twilight, or the Twilight fans might start creeping my blog), and all the larger fireworks started when darkness finally fell.

The street was littered with cones and boxes of various fireworks that had been used, and my brother, sister, cousin, and cousin's neighbors had shot off some Roman candles, which were off in a bucket. Every direction you turned, you could see fireworks lighting up the night sky, almost like lightning, but much more exciting (and less scary). By the time we were done, the weather reports read that it was foggy (I think, in fact, it was smoky), and all the grand finales were showing. When we got back to my grandparents' house, we watched the coverage of the show at the Gateway Arch over the Mississippi, in Downtown St. Louis. I was proud of myself for lighting off Roman candles (and not being afraid of singeing off the ends of my hair....), but a little disappointed, because my sparklers when I was little were never that pretty! Mine were little metal sticks with sparkly grey matter at the end that sparked when you lit it. No shiny pretty wrappers!! Oh well.

I came to the house last night and finished my paper. It was rough, but I finally finished it. I'm still concerned about my internship, but I'm trying to keep my mind off it right now, because there's not much I can do from here, right?

So we went to Six Flags today. Funny that the origin of Six Flags is in Texas, and has to do with the six flags that have governed Texas, one of them being Texas' own independent flag! (The others being France, Spain, Mexico, Confederate States of America, and United States of America, in no particular order...yea, it interests me lol).

Six Flags was fun. I go there for the coasters, of course. We rode every one there....as well as the Ferris wheel. My brother was going to try to scare the crap out of me by getting me to do the bungee jump thing, but didn't (thank goodness). It was a good way to take my mind off things for a while and just wander around in the sun. It's funny, though, all the rides in Texas seem bigger. Oh yea, everything is bigger in Texas!!!

No, really.

Their wooden coaster could use some improvements, and ain't got crap on the Texas Giant, especially since they built the Giant to be smoother with the metal tracking and all. I can't compare the Tony Hawk because it had some weird, un-epic name here. The Batman? The decor outside sucked, and the guy behind the ride was an asshole. At least the people in Texas are friendly. The Batman also seems longer in Texas, and that's probably because they take you through the ride again....backwards. The Mr. Freeze? Too short. They were only running one side. In comparison, though, they were about the same. Tower of Power? They only have one tower here, and they only drop you once. Texas gives you much more suspense.

EVERYTHING IS BIGGER IN TEXAS!!
Except the fireworks shows.....sorry Texan readers. I saw some great fireworks. The burn bans are bigger, I guess you could say?

Well, that's all I got to say. Nothing insightful today. Well, I do have something insightful, come to think of it, but I'll save it for its own blog.

Deuces!

The Simple Dude

The shout out is in the title, yo, but in case you don't know who he is, or haven't seen his site before, you can find Simple Dude in a Complex World here, and you can find his book here. There's even better news- the book is uber cheap- $1.99 to be exact. That means for less than $2US you can learn how to make your own blog more popular (if it isn't already)!

Credit

Now, when I started out, to be honest, I thought that none of the stuff in there would be helpful for increasing readership, to be honest. I was like, "ok, this dude started out with more readers than I have JUST started getting..." because he talks about having hundreds of readers in the beginning. So maybe my contents need some revision. You know what, though? After reading on, I realized, I'm doing this for myself....and I'm awfully wordy anyway. I always have been!

Then I got to it. The meat of it. What I was looking for. The tips. You know what? The tips he mentioned are the ones that have increased my readership five-fold in the past two months (seriously). But you know what? I'm not going to mention it. You know why? I think it's a good book, and worth the $1.99. You can read it online even! It's not something that you need to spend days or even hours reading, and seriously, the tips are helpful. I've used them. Some of them without knowing it. Some of them might be helpful to you, if you're just starting out.

What's even better is that the tips are simple. Plain and simple. What would you expect from a guy whose moniker is "The Simple Dude"? Simplicity. He puts it out there, and makes it so easy to understand. Seriously, I encourage you to get it. It's so easy to get, and it's less than a caramel mocha at Starbucks (or whatever you drink), cheaper than most of the food you buy, heck, it's cheaper than half a gallon of gas in some places, and it's almost certain to help you if you need help stepping into the blogging world.

Some of you may have tips to add for me (if you do, I don't mind, because I'm really wanting to know how to get more people here, besides being less wordy and adding lots of pictures, because I'm no artist). After all, there are some larger bloggers than me out there reading my blog (you know who you are- don't hide), and there are some smaller bloggers and/or people who don't blog at all (hi dad, Courtney- why the heck did you view my blog 12 times yesterday??, mom).

All in all, it starts out scaring you with no tips, making you think "omg, I already failed by not starting out with hundreds of readers...oh, I'm a loser, I can't draw," but then adds tips in about halfway that make you rethink your format. I could put more pictures in, such as Mona Lisa:

I'm just here because people like pictures, and I like hanging with Ashley.
Nobody owns the copyright for me except da Vinci
This photo of me was found here

I could also insert an image of Starry Night:

I have no purpose here other than I also like hanging with Ashley.
Nobody can claim my copyright other than van Gogh
Why do all these artists have 2 surnames? Ashley should also have 2 surnames.
This image was grabbed from this site.

As you can see, the pictures really lend nothing to my blog. I don't know what photos to add. I could add a photo of me, but I'd lose a lot of viewers unless I photoshopped it, and I don't have photoshop. I am unwilling to be like the chick here and completely ruin my self esteem with a deprecating answer such as the one chosen, so I will forget self-images. I will continue to write.

I have noticed that people did like the one vlog I did. That got a lot of traffic. It was also highly publicized. The other vlog flopped. Badly. Seeing as I am socially awkward, I think my days of vlogging are...very limited, unless I otherwise see a demand for them (which seems unlikely).

I try to improve, I really do. Now that I've got my hands on this book, I have more ideas [ensue evil laughter] {just kidding about the evil part. I really don't have an evil laugh}.

Now, I've really got other things on my mind, but I really promised this book review, and it's a bit later than I had planned on it being. Until the other things on my mind clear, it's gonna be rough on me, blogging and all. If you haven't read my last blog, or if you haven't talked to me especially, you don't know much about what's going on. Here's the DL

I made a mistake at my internship in a rush to get prepared to go out of town, so that I could work on my project while away. A big mistake. I didn't know it until the next day, when I was on my way out the door. I may or may not be losing my internship. I've already been told that I did something wrong, and was sobbing over the phone about it, and I know there's a meeting awaiting me when I return. I've not been able to relax, really. I've not been able to work on my project, either, since I had to clear information out. It's a big embarrassment to me, and could cost me a lot of things, including my internship, I could fail this class and have to extend my graduation by up to 2 semesters. I could lose the chance to graduate under this degree completely, and the chance to work with this degree, even if I do graduate. I could lose the chance for licensure, many things could go wrong.

I don't know exactly what will happen yet. I know the company is going to be fined and face consequences for my mistake. There are other things, minor in comparison, going on as well, but I've just not been able to bring my head to a peaceful level, where I can just enjoy the last little bit of time that I have before my other class starts. I'm too worried, too disheveled. I'm a mess. My future looks like a disaster zone right now. So, in case anyone really is wondering, or cares, that's what's going down.

Deuces

Needs Improvement

EDIT: I said I would have a book review in this post. It WILL be in a post soon, I swear. I completely forgot until after this was posted, and now I don't have time to write it because now I have to get back to my paper.

If I were to write a progress report for July so far, I would write a failing grade. U for unsatisfactory. F for failing. GTFO. Needs much, much improvement. Who approved this?

The search I did for stuff for my assignment? I can't use what I found. I had to delete it all. There would have been repercussions if I hadn't. Now I'm out of state and can't access it. The most I can say is that it really sucks, and that I don't have any way to explain it to my professor other than "oops, I screwed up, and now I have nothing to show for it." Now we're in Missouri, and I have no access to the intranet at my agency. I have no way to *successfully* complete this assignment when I'm out of state and have no access to this empirical data. Fail.

Less than 12 hours after we leave, we get a call from our neighbor that there is water streaming out our garage down the driveway. We ask him to shut our water off, and my brother's girlfriend to drop by and tell us what's going on within. Come to find out, half the house is damaged.

Of course, the half the house that all my stuff is on. Always. The air conditioner that went out last month? Same half. The part of the carpet that was soaked because the ice maker broke? Same half. Now that half of the house is (from what we know) flooded. I honestly don't know what was on the floor, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not gonna be too happy when we return.

It's July 2nd. I didn't even get out of bed yesterday because....dammit, I didn't even feel like it. The whole day just friggen sucked. My grandparents had company today, so I went up and saw them. Lots of people, I got to hold a baby. I have now officially decided that I am not mommy material. I can look at them, and hold them, but once they let out a cry, it's all back to the mum. I'll pass my prime and then I'll have a really good excuse.

I've seen a few people that I haven't seen in years. Uncles, cousins, etc. Ate some. Wrote some on my paper. This is a break on writing my paper. I'm writing on my break from writing. >.< haha. I was gonna put some pics on facebook but I really don't feel like it right now.

It's funny, these people in Missouri saying it's hot out, and I go outside and I'm like "oh, it's so nice!"
They give me dirty looks
I can't help it, it's so much nicer than Texas.
But, they get ripped off at QT, because their drinks are 69 cents instead of 59. But I digress.
Here's to hoping the rest of July is better than the first two days have been. If the rest isn't better...this month is going to be hell.

Deuces, yo

Burning Questions

Today's been one of my overly analytical days. I've been overanalyzing every song I hear.

Unfortunately, I heard the Devil go down to Georgia way too many times (I don't know if my phone was set to "replay classic country" or something, but it kept playing that song)

Why did he go to Georgia? Aren't there many more places to steal souls? And why was he searching on some back country road, carrying a fiddle? Why was it that the only person he could find was some hick named Johnny who happened to beat the shit out of him and his band of demons when playing the fiddle? I just don't get it. No comprendo.

Luckily, Mental Floss is a great website that answers some of my deep, burning questions, like why we drive on the right side of the road, rather than the left, or why those little red wagons we dragged around as kids were called radio flyers. I mean, after all, I have so many burning questions, they all need to be answered!

Then, there are some things in life that can't be answered. For some reason, the university that I am getting my degree from in a month in a half is sending me flyers about undergraduate recruitment. Wait, what? I've received letters from other major universities too, wanting me to transfer my credits. Why, in my last month of college, would I transfer my credits somewhere else? No, I'm staying here! I also got a check for [undisclosed amount] from the university in the mail today. I have no idea why, and I'm checking it out, but it's a bit mind-blowing.

Why must life throw us things like that? Why must life confuse us? Why can't everything be [at least somewhat] straightforward? I mean, I love analyzing things and all, but not all people are cut out for that, man. People just aren't. I can name some right now that should just have things explained in layman's terms.

Then again, there would be no challenges, and yes, I do think there should be some challenge in life. But don't we have enough challenges? Where do we draw the line? I mean, I respect that we should have challenges and work hard for shit, but sometimes, things can't be worked out. We can try, we can work on it as hard as possible, but it's just way too damn hard to work out. Then we're forced to feel like failures because we didn't meet some expectations.

Well, some of us feel like failures. The ones that overachieve. The ones that can't stand to fail. The ones who have to do everything and have to do it right. I hate not meeting expectations. I hate not meeting commitments. There was a commitment I made last month that I made last month that I had to back out of, and I am still beating myself up for it, even though it's been almost a month since I found out I had to back out. I know that it's going to happen in life, but it still feels bad.

Yet I continue to make commitments, because I feel like I have to do so much. I continue to overachieve. I continue to analyze. I must know everything. I must be in control. Everything that's going to be happening next week while I'm not working at my internship? I'm losing sleep over it. I'm wondering how it's all gonna work out. I've got this temptation to call up there every day just to check in. Seriously. And I'm just an intern. What am I going to do when I have to leave? When I have to pass on commitments? When I have to pass on the torch?

I'm really agonizing over this, because it's really nearing that time where I'm gonna have to start wrapping things up. I'm starting my next class July 11. I'll be missing a week worth of hours due to distance from internship. I'll be doing a really heavy duty group project as well as a heavy duty individual paper over the next couple of weeks (hint: don't expect a lot of blogging, unless I feel the need to say something, or have some time when my brain needs a break). On top of that, the other class 4 hours a day 4 days a week and my internship hours. I don't know how I expected myself to do it, but I'll need to kick my ass into high gear now. That means now.

That means I need to stop worrying about round pizza in square boxes, why an antibacterial hand wash would boast that it is waterless, why people would want touch free soap (isn't it to clean your hands? why would it matter if you touched the soap thing if you're cleaning your hands afterward?), why people would want to live a certain lifestyle, why maps are usually square, why things that taste so good are so bad for you, why [insert higher power] would make animals out of meat if he didn't want us to eat them, why most people are right handed (aside from genetics....is there some survival benefit to it?), why we have different seasons, and the like. I could sit here all night and wander and wonder....because my mind is like that.

What kind of things do you wonder about?

Is there anything you wonder about me? [I'm opening myself up to answering any questions. If interested, I may even create a vlog to answer them, because people seem to like vlogs. I'd have to put a time limit on that though, but first I'm gonna put the idea out there and see what I get.]

Tell me something about you!!!

I'm double-jointed in all my fingers except my right thumb.
I was born without tonsils
I know how to read music but cannot play an instrument to save my life
I prefer to dress casually, but most of my closet is business-casual due to my internship
I have a love affair with dark chocolate. I'm biased against other types of chocolate because they're too milky.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone just the same. (just kidding- if anything, I love everyone)
I love to wear the mascot for my school, even if I hate my school (I have numerous shirts from my second high school, to which I never really adjusted)
I own more blue clothes than anything. I like blue, but blue clothes are also easier to match & easier to find
I'm very self-conscious (see here)
I like Aeropostale simply because they were established in 1987, the year I was born. That's why. I like the '87 on everything. :)

Deuces, yo

Not a Bikini Model

Warning: I am not too happy in this blog; in fact, I complain a lot. I'm struggling with a personal issue and wanted to talk about it. It's something that's really bugging me, and I'm sure I'm not the only one facing this issue. Just wanted to mention this before I get all "I hate this & that"

We went shopping tonight. The intent was for me to look for a swimsuit. Seeing as summer is almost half over already, this should have been done long ago, but I'm sort of avoiding it, for one very, very large reason....

MYSELF

It has never been this large of a reason before. I've adjusted to the clothing changes somewhat more easily. I admit that it is somewhat difficult to see the higher numbers on the tag, but I can at least look at the mirror and not see a tub of lard; I can look in the mirror and not want to excommunicate myself into a closet for the next [insert number] years until I lose the requisite number of pounds.

I've always been self-conscious about my weight, even when I was thin, but it never wore on me this much. I looked in the dressing room mirror and cried. When I went to sit on the seat and cry, I fell on my ass because I missed the seat by about 2 feet- I was pretty upset. I didn't even care where the seat was. I've never been this upset by my weight. I want it gone.

I've done some exercise. I've been doing some portion control, eating smaller meals, and I haven't had much soda at all, seeing as I can't really taste carbonation. A little of it has come back, but it's not enough to convince me to drink it as much as I used to. Mostly I drink green tea, which is supposed to help your metabolism. I do yoga in my room at night to relax. Small snacks are stuff like sunflower kernels or fruit slices that I buy on the way to my internship, or sometimes I get them at home.

I don't even know if I want to leave the house now, after that ordeal. Seeing myself in the mirror, I don't know if I can subject myself to being seen in public with cottage-cheese legs. I'm so self-conscious and self-aware that it's really difficult for me. My sister keeps telling me that I look fine, but she didn't even see it before she said that. I don't think she understands my problem. Hell, I'm sitting here half in tears writing this. It's never been this much of a problem. Even when I had scars. even in years before when I was self-conscious, it was never this bad. I was never this overweight.

What do I do? How do I overcome this? I'm pretty sure that I can't hide out in my house forever. I'm going to Target tomorrow, because the selection at Hell-Mart wasn't very much- they had men's, women's, childrens, all together in one selection. I kind of suspected as much, but my mom insisted I look. There was only one that was even in my size, because I've gained so much weight. I felt like an oversized hippo, a whale. I was afraid to even show my mom, who would have been buying it. Embarrassed as hell.

It's gotten to the point where I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hate scales. I hate clothes even. If I could lounge around in pajama pants all the time, I would, since they're non-discriminatory. They stretch. Usually, at least. Then again, the ones that were falling off at Christmas are a little tight now. I don't wear them much. It's depressing. I don't know what else to do....this is a low for me. Very low.

I'm not just one of those skinny people just saying I'm fat, either. In fact, I look back at myself 50 pounds ago, and I want to slap myself in the face for saying the things I said. It makes me hate myself so much for not appreciating where I was at. I wish I could be back there now. Unfortunately, I can't. I'm stuck here now. I can't get a personal trainer or anything, I can't afford some gym membership or yoga class, and I can't get some super-healthy food plan or diet pills or anything like that. I just have to stare at myself and hope that the pounds just jump off or that I can come up with something on my own.

Unfortunately, heredity takes a huge part (no offense mom or dad, if you're reading this, which I'm sure at least one, if not both, of you will). I don't want to be stuck like this forever, but my genes say that I probably will be, and I don't want it to be that way. I want to go back to the way I was in '08. Hell, even '09 or '10 would be okay.

Other than that, there's not much on my mind besides doing a lot of schoolwork. I've got several supervision logs to turn in, and several papers to do before we go on vaca to St. Louis later this week. I'm looking forward to a little break, but I've gotta work hard as hell to make up everything before I get there. Wish me luck *crossed fingers*


Deuces, yo

Work it off

There are some days where you just don't have time in your schedule to do anything. I've been having them lately. You know, the ones where if you don't schedule a bathroom break or a minute to take a drink, you don't get one? Yea, that's what things have been like.

June calendar in Outlook- programmed too only show 3 things a day, otherwise you'd be stunned.

Don't get me wrong, I like to be busy and have things to do, but when things get too busy, sometimes things get neglected. Yesterday I realized at midnight that I hadn't eaten. Midnight. Whoops. When was my last written blog? Oh yea, I have a blog. Sorry to those of you whom I've neglected, I have a mini-weekend coming up soon (by mini-weekend, I mean I'll be writing a couple papers on Sunday, and I might have time to glance at the computer).

My project Tuesday went alright I suppose. Did you know I had a project Tuesday? You might or might not have. I don't know, because I don't know if I have written about it, because I've been so busy. The presentation was the most difficult part. I'm not all that great at communicating with people, especially when it's a lot of people. Especially when all their eyes are on me. I started crying. I have horrible presentation skills. Yes, last semester of college and I still cry during presentations. It was just a little. Don't hate.

This actually took a lot of time because it had to be perfect. Finished project.

I'm wearing my favorite shirt today. it's really shiny, and every time I wear it, people are like "woah, your shirt is really...........then they trail off. I fill in the blank and say "bright? shiny? I get it all the time dude. No big deal." They get embarrassed. It's funny, but it is my favorite shirt for other reasons, mainly because I actually like it. Yea, I actually like it.

Yes, I need to lose weight, I'm sorry.

Anyway, so I've been basically working my ass off for my internship because I need to have a lot of hours done before we hop, skip, and jump to St. Louis for a week, because when we come back, I have another class that I start, and my hours will be significantly cut. I've had someone also suggest an idea that might get me a job, but I don't know if I'll have the time for it. I don't know if the opening will be available after summer. I don't know what I'll be able to do yet. But, for right now, I'm working for free six days a week to get most of my hours done so that I'm not quite as stressed out when the last 5 weeks comes.

After that, I'll be ready to graduate. Ready to grab that degree and run like the wind. I will be so done. SO done. YAY!!! =D

Deuces, yo

Childhood freedom

Anyone want to know how I've been doing? Honestly? I'll talk about that later.

Remember the game Duck, Duck, Goose? I love that game, and I miss playing it. I was always the one who got caught, though, because I have no coordination, and I am a very slow runner, and always have been. I never caught anyone else. The game was fun for a while, but I always got sick of being the one picking the goose.

I wish that we could continue playing games like this as we get older, but we stop. We get wrapped up in work. We have schedules, meetings, obligations, we forget what it's like. We stop playing games. We get serious and mature. Some of us say we're young at heart, but how young at heart are we? Would we sit down and play a game of Duck, Duck, Goose? Or would we just reminisce about how fun it was when we were a kid? I think mostly we would just reminisce, and in that case, it's not really being young at heart, but being able to remember the times when we were able to have fun and have freedom in our lives. Adults have so much less freedom, and my recent activities as explained below are a perfect example of this. It's not that I don't love what I'm doing, but I feel so restricted, so tightly scheduled, that I don't have the opportunity to sit down and be young anymore. So, to answer the question, how am I doing??

Not too well. I can't breathe through my nose, because my allergies are bad (they get bad when I'm busy and stressed). I feel like crap. I'm constantly doing something. If I'm not somewhere else doing something, I'm at home doing something for somewhere else, or sleeping. I haven't come up with a way to represent my first assignment that's due on Tuesday yet. I have to show 5 different aspects of myself. It's a "scrapbook" but I can present it any way I want. She said one student presented it as a refrigerator, and each aspect was a magnet; another had a tree, and each branch was an aspect. I want to do something creative, but I can't think of anything. I'm stuck. My brain is so stuck in trying to get everything done that I can't think of anything creative.

Today, a lot of things weren't done that are normally done, which set me back. It put a lot of pressure on me, because I wasn't expecting it. Now I know, though, so I can be prepared and set most of it up ahead of time, and just worry about the last little bit on Wednesdays. I've been given a new project to work on too, but I need to get a few things straightened out first.

I just kind of feel like I'm being pulled a billion different directions. I know I can handle it, I can certainly handle it! It's just that I'm having a problem figuring out where to go first, because there's so much to do, and a very short time to do it. I've got some time that I'm taking away from my internship and everything else, so I also have a paper I have to finish early so that I can give it to the other intern to turn in for the class that I'm going to miss, and so I can email it to the professor ahead of time. I've got to get all my ducks in a line. Duck, Duck, Goose. That's where the inspiration for this post came from. Getting my ducks in order.

I really wish I could go back to the freedom I once had, but I know I'll never have that again. I know that I'll have time to reminisce about the past, and to think about the freedom I once had, but I'll never be able to go back and enjoy my childhood like I should have. I wasted it away. I read books. I sat inside and studied. I isolated myself. I read more books. I didn't go outside and play with the other kids. I wasn't athletic. I didn't play during PE. I couldn't jump rope. I was horrible at tetherball, as much as I loved it. I couldn't scale the monkey bars, not even once. I couldn't do a cartwheel, or run a lap and be able to catch my breath. I wasn't popular. I was smart.

Now I wish I could go back and have fun, blow bubbles, ride my bike, play some sports, do something other than study. I can't change the past, though. Maybe what I did in the past will be helpful in the future. Maybe it'll be something that will help me out. Maybe it will be beneficial. Maybe they'll want someone well read and knowledgeable. Maybe they won't care that I can't run very far or that I'm not very athletic. (Let's hope they don't care.)

Now, all I can do is live life as I am. Do my internship, finish school, try to get out as much as I can (which isn't much). Hang with the few people I do know. Study, but not let it take over all my time. Communicate with other people. Volunteer in my free time. Give back. Do yoga (this is something I really want to learn, and I've downloaded a Droid app that will hopefully help me learn it). Learn more about myself. Take me time while I still have the chance. Look for jobs. Live in the present, not in the past or future. Only worry about the ducks that I have to deal with right now. That's what I'm planning on.

Price tag

First order of business:
Heck yeah to all the page views I've gotten!! I've got all my months beat, even May, and June ain't even half over yet!! I must give thanks to Tara, the Cake Betch, from The Hot Mess Chronicles, because a whole heck of a lot of traffic has been coming here from her blog. SHOUT OUT TARA!! Damn I wish we could hang sometime, because she's awesome, too. And I want to meet her dog.

Anywho
Anyone here ever too hard on themselves?

I think we all are at one point are another, right? I mean, we expect something out of ourselves, then the words "should have" or "could have" enter our language. Those are damning words. They can really bring a person down. Whether it's kindergarten and I "should have" been able to recite the alphabet, or high school and I "should have" known the quadratic equation, (I forgot it, trust me, if you're in high school and read this, you'll never use it except when you get in college and have to take a class. Unless you go into some engineering or something, but I don't know about that, I'm "just" a social worker).

See what I did there? "Just" a social worker. Are we ever "just" anything? Do you work hard for what you do? Heck yeah! You may not be a doctorate in something, or get paid six figures, but that doesn't mean you don't work hard. Heck, you may get something more out of your job than money...maybe something like, I don't know, satisfaction. I know that what I want out of my job at the end of the day is to feel like I've helped someone feel better about themselves and their future. Who cares how much I make? (as long as it's enough to feed, clothe, and house me, of course).

How often, though, do we run ourselves through the wringer, not giving ourselves credit for what it is we do? How often do we plant a seed, water it, get a nice, lovely plant, but criticise ourselves because it's not the plant we expected (even if it turns out looking great, or even better than what we expected)? I find myself doing this all the time. So the project wasn't what you intended it to be, but it turned out stellar and everyone loved it, but you can still see the flaws. When are you gonna give yourself credit? You've worked hard for something, you deserve credit, right? It may not be what was asked for, but you still deserve credit for what you do! Hard work deserves recognition. That's why it's called labor.

I've been doing a lot of hard work lately. I've been volunteering, I've been doing my internship with the MHMR, I've been going to school, but I have yet to receive much recognition for what I'm doing. I really work my ass off, but I don't get much for it. I don't get a paycheck, and I don't get any sort of pension. You know what though? THAT'S OKAY!! After I've put in my hours, I get credit at school (oh how rewarding!) and I get the occasional feeling of having helped someone. The occasional feeling of having helped someone is what it's all about! I live for that feeling. I don't care if it takes 10 or 100 hours to get it, I want that feeling. It's like a natural high. I've cried before from the power of that feeling. It's not a monetary or physical reward, it's an intrinsic reward with enough power to keep me coming back, and enough to even make me want to keep volunteering there even after my internship is over (if they'll allow it). Seriously!

When you really appreciate what you do, and give yourself credit for the things you do, you'll start to feel so much better about the things you do, and you'll feel so much more motivated to do them. When it came to things I hated to do, I always waited until the last minute. I feel this much less with my internship; in fact, I often like to arrive as soon as I possibly can, traffic allowing. I like to be there to do things. I like to complete individual sessions. I don't mind typing up notes and putting packets together. I don't mind co-facilitating or even leading groups. I really like what I do. I enjoy it. I'm motivated. It's not something that I dread getting up in the morning to do. It doesn't take an extrinsic reward for me to know that I've done a good job.

Other things, i.e. school, volunteering, home, it takes some acknowledgement for me to feel like I've done anything that matters, and I'm really hard on myself. If I haven't done it the right way the first time, I'll do it again and again until I get it right. Sometimes, I get that way at my internship, when I know I'm doing something wrong. I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm my own worst critic. We all are, at times. We all have to push past that, and remind ourseles that we are worth much more than what we would put on a price tag for ourselves. We do so much more, and what we do is worth much more than what we think it may be worth. No more shoulds and coulds. What we do is worth much more than that We can't put a price tag on that.

Image Credit Here

"Wanna make the world dance, it ain't about the price tag"

Change of Pace

I know my mom will read this, it is only a matter of time. She called out a mistake on a blog, but I haven't been able to find it, so I'll leave it be until she tells me which one it is.

Today, we went to Six Flags. We rode lots of rides, and, of course, got lots of hot, bright, Texas sun. Of course, I took the day off from my internship to do so, so some of my duties have been neglected, so I must decide whether to go in tomorrow and put in some hours, since I must put in 240 hours in the next 2 months, or if I should take the day off, since both my knees are achy, I look like I have had a lot of sun (which is true), I wouldn't be able to stand long, and I'm a tad irritable.

Did you know: Six Flags, the theme park, originated in Texas? The original park is actually in Texas. The name of the park comes from the six flags that have flown over Texas, and I'm going to see if I can do this without looking them up (they may be out of order, though)....France, Spain, Mexico, The Confederate States of America, The Republic of Texas (when they were their own country), and The United States of America (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, BINGO!). Just checked wiki for the flags over Texas, just to be sure I was correct, and, in fact, I am. If you want, you can check out the wiki. That is, if you're a geek like me and must know all the little facts about everything.

Here are some of the things we did today:

Batman, the ride. This is the roller coaster where your feet are suspended. Totally awesome.

Mr. Freeze. Abso-frikken-lutely fast ride. Blink and you'll miss the entire ride. Great for a head rush

My sister and I waiting in line for Mr. Freeze. She's the cuter one holding the camera, I'm the one leaning over the rail.

This one I sat by and watched. I found out the weight limit and was embarrassed by the fact that I was too fat for a ride.

Superman Tower of Power. Better than the one in Missouri (St Louis). We like to brag when we go there. I can see my school from the top. It's awesome. Usually I go on it twice, but this time I didn't

Shock Wave. You can't see the coaster from here. Best experienced at night, when they turn the lights on the track on. Totally awesome.

The train. I tried to catch the beginning but someone stepped in the way. It's ok, it's not a real big attraction. Mostly it gets in the way when you're trying to walk across the park.

Observation tower. Often closed for wind. Today was closed for wind. Not surprising.

New Texas Giant. Same as the old one, the wooden coaster, but with metal tracking added, making it a much smoother ride. Was closed for renovations for two years, and reopened this year. It's completely amazing. The only down side is that I hate tunnels, and it has three.

The Chicken Coop on the Texas Giant. Yes, they embarrass you if you chicken out. Yes, they even make noises, chicken noises. It's hilarious, unless you're really freaking out because of anxiety purposes. Then, I feel bad.

Texas pride at the Texas Giant. (Taken from the 2nd seat from the front of the coaster)

Even the trash can has Texas pride

Truly Texan- The instructions in English on the left, in Spanish on the right, and on every ride, they are read in both languages. *smh*

After the day is done- my shoulders/chest are not sunburnt- they are merely blushing. Camera attention, you know. Plus, I'm tired.

So, that is my day at Six Flags. I'm sore, I'm tired, I'm a tiny bit red, and I have hours that I need to make up, but can't decide whether I should do that next week and squeeze a lot of homework into tomorrow, or spread homework out and put the hours in tomorrow.

Season passes. I'm gonna use the heck out of my season pass. I love Six Flags. I just have to find the time to use the heck out of it. Probably when the boys are doing something off campus and I can't tag along *aw shucks. Guess I'll have to go to Six Flags instead* *disappointment*. Maybe I'll shed a tear for dramatic emphasis. No really, I do plan on going to my internship if they don't have anything else planned that I can't go to. If they're going on a field trip or something, I'm gonna be hitting up those coasters, though. I didn't even see half the park today.

By the way, today is my Aunt's Birthday. Happy Birthday Aunt Cindy!!!!

SWEET!!

Be the change

Today I had a conversation that made me melt inside.

To be honest, he is the only client with whom I've prayed, and it was upon his request. Tonight was the third time. Typically, it's that he will do well when he goes home on pass, and will be able to keep his mind on doing well, instead of focusing on his fear of relapsing. He said he's never heard anyone put it that way before. To look forward, instead of looking back in that hole and worrying about falling back in, to keep climbing out of the hole, to keep working on it, since he's made it this far, and he's got people there for him.

I won't be there when he gets "coined out," which is the way a client is typically released from treatment, it's a thing where all the clients say something positive to the client that is leaving, and usually a lot of staff members join in. I won't be there the day before he leaves. He said he's gonna miss me when he leaves, and he wants to coin me out (what?) before he leaves, so he wants to do that on Monday. He tried to get me to jump on board for working with the outpatient group that the guys get put in when they leave the residential part of the program, but alas, that is the one night a week I have class (seriously).

He said he likes talking to me because I give things from an unusual perspective, one that is different from the perspective the other counselors give, and that he thinks I'll make a good counselor.

Which is good, because that's what I'd like to do.

One of my things that I mentioned, today, when I was working with someone else talking about things one can do to feel better about themselves, I mentioned that for me, it helps to help someone else. (no, these two people didn't talk to each other!!)

I came home feeling good tonight. It's a great feeling. I love this. I love what I do. I love making a difference.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"

-Mahatma Gandhi

The art of blogging

It's amazing what some people can do with a blog. Some people, like those on my blog roll, have amazing blogs that I've gone back and read past blogs into 2009 and sometimes earlier (but not all of them...c'mon guys, I do have a busy life, but I do read a lot of old posts simply because there are a lot of amazing blogs written), and I find myself stunned at what amazing things these people can write.

I find myself staring at this screen, trying to write something comparable, and I'm at a loss. I don't have much of a story to grace anyone's walls with. I've been through some stuff, but nothing to clamour over. I don't have any spectacularly crazy people to blog about, and nothing peculiar in my life. I'm not into any subject that would draw any massive crowds, and helping people in the social services isn't something that can really be written about very well, without breaching confidentiality much.

Occasionally, I can mention a client that has done something that has affected me. I've had one that brought me to tears when he left, giving me a picture he had hastily drawn upon his unexpected departure, which was actually really amazing. I have yet to hang it on the wall above the intern-ish area (I call it that, because it's not really my, nor anyone else's, desk, but the interns mostly use it).

Another one brought me to tears when he asked me to pray with him, because I'm not a particularly religious person. I've had some stuff in my past that has led me to obstacles that I couldn't ignore, and when he asked, I stumbled trying to find the right answer, but I went ahead and prayed with him. I want what's best for the client.

I've had clients that have scared the crap out of me. They've been involved in gangs and aren't afraid to go back into that lifestyle. Some come from rich, some from poor lifestyles. Some have great families, some have little family support at all. They come from different racial, social, and religious backgrounds. They all come into the same facility for the same reason, some know each other from the juvenile detention center in the county.

It's amazing when we get a group of clients that are able to pull through the program together, and a number of them are able to pull through the bottom levels of the program and reach to the higher levels. Other times, we'll have an onslaught of new clients, and we'll cycle through a lot before we finally start bringing in clients that are in it to make it through. It goes in cycles, and we're about to go through another onslaught of new kids. I'm nervous. We're also about to get an onslaught of new interns. Oh my!

I'd love to blog more about my internship, but I know that I can't go into much more detail than that. I love my internship. Often I bring my work home with me. I'll work on something for the clients until the end of the night, forwarding an email to the primary counselor that I work with, and she'll implement the changes the next day. I helped in the creation of an incentive program that rewards them for good behavior and helping each other out. I try to call them out before they get written up for something, to see if they'll change their behavior.

I really do care about what I'm doing, otherwise, I would have said "See ya in a month!" after I finished my class at the beginning of May, but I didn't. I continued to work through the month of May. I put in 100 extra hours in the spring semester. I know most of them won't count, but I did it anyway. Because I care.

Some people do stuff like this for money. They blog for money. They counsel for money. Everything that I'm doing right now? They'd have a lot of money from it. I haven't made a dime this year. Not a single dime. But you know what? I'm okay with that. I like what I do, and that's all that matters right now. I'm working on my degree, and soon enough, I'll be able to like what I do and earn money from it. I just have to finish what I'm doing now, and I'll make my way. It may be difficult, but I'll make it. In the meantime....I have no idea what this blog was about. It's been a long day, I'm tired, and I'm ready to go to bed. Goodnight, world.

Versatile blogger but still a failure at life

So, today was one of those days with an up-down kind of trend. I woke up this morning to find that one of the bloggers I follow, Lauren, has put me on the list of bloggers to whom she gave the "Versatile Blogger" award (ZOMG I was so shocked and excited!!) in her blog written Sunday. That was enough to keep me going most of the day....I got an award!! Yay!!

With the award, I must reveal dirty secrets give some random facts about myself.

1) I was born without tonsils. I've also been told I don't have wisdom teeth.
2) I lived in more places the first 6 years of my life than in the most recent 17
3) I don't like Chinese food, Asian food in general, spicy food, the majority of seafood, the majority of vegetables, Mexican food, beans, most things that have milk in them (yogurt, milk alone, I'll tolerate milk chocolate, love cheese...), most types of soda, and ICE.
4) I miss my brother.
5) My mini-Christmas tree is still assembled on my desk
6) Up until Christmas, I still had a TV/VCR combo in my room, without an attached DVD player. Old school!!
7) My clothes never make it into my closet. They might get folded or put on a hanger, but they usually end up elsewhere on a chair or something.
8) I was near to flunking out of college for a couple years because of extenuating circumstances
9) I like Aeropostale because they were established in 1987, my birth year, so I can have my birth year all over my clothes
10) I am a bookaholic and should probably also receive help for my internet addiction....

That completes 2/3 requirements:

• Requirement 1: Tell everyone who I received this award from (Lauren at The Blog You're About To Read)
• Requirement 2: Tell everyone my dirty secrets random facts
• Requirement 3: Pay it forward- give this award to seven others whom I think are totally frikken awesome & deserve it

So, my nominees are (I don't have many connections, so some of these might already have awards because they're so awesome, and if you're not included....I still love you). Because I read the blogs (blargs, in some cases) I love. But I'm limited to seven...:

1. Ah, the Possiblities!
2. Unladylike Behavior
3. I'd like cheese on my entire family!
4. Airing My Dirty Laundry, One Sock At A Time
5. Mumstrosity
6. Simply Kate
7. Woogsworld

Alright, that makes seven. Now I shall bore you with the rest of my day, including my rage that ensued from my horrible presentation.

Well, actually, my internship was pretty much normal as far as incidents go. Aside from the tornado sirens that started as I was leaving town, the day was pretty much incident-free. I still hate that they're moving things around and changing some of the functions within the program, but I guess it's worth a shot, right? We also discussed summer plans and my schedule, just for planning purposes.

Then I went to school. Today was that presentation that counts for quite a percentage of my grade. Of all the students, I was THE ONE she called out (and cut my presentation short). I didn't get to finish. She said we were short on time. All the other presenters went without anything being said. I tried to show her that I had ONE SINGLE slide left, but she's probably going to count off for a) wanting to continue presenting, and b) the material that wasn't presented; because she didn't see it, she's going to assume it's not there, and I'll be extremely, perhaps overly, upset over it. I was crying trying to get her to listen to me, but she was cold-hearted and cruel, ignoring everything I said.

Honestly, I think she didn't like me from day one. I asked a lot of questions over the semester. I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. I think that annoyed her. Argh. Now, when it comes time for grades, she's gonna be uber pissed, and probably mark off as many points as she can. And I'll do poorly in the class because of it. Thankfully, I don't have to have her class next semester, because she only teaches the first seminar. Unfortunately, her opinion will factor into my GPA and leave a big red pimple on the beauty that is my Social Work GPA. *scowl* and I worked so hard for that class!

Why is it that when I work hard for something, I end up failing? I don't get it. Reminds me of this song I used to listen to years ago with my then-best friend- Linkin' Park "In the End"

I tried so hard, and got so far

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

Sound about right? Yep. I've been working hard my entire university career. I worked hard at my jobs. I always work hard. I don't just sit off and observe, or do a halfway job. I put everything into the things that I do. And it hurts tremendously when I fail. I'm sure (or at least I hope) I'm not the only one like this. It just is painful to put so much of yourself into something only to fail.

Why must I fail? I guess that's the natural order of things. It's taken me six years to finish a four year degree. I've held 2 full-time jobs, a volunteer type job for a bit, and now an internship. I never stopped going to school, but for a while, I was tiptoeing the line toward being kicked out. I went to class and completed the assignments, but always fell short. Especially in the sciences and history/politics. I'm sure that would have been the case with English and Math too, had I been required to take them (I tested out in high school with the AP exams). It's hard to not get down on yourself when this is the kind of stuff you face.

I was class salutatorian in high school, and Ms. I-do-everything-under-the-sun. I was smart. Of course, I was hiding the fact that secretly, I wasn't happy with my life at all, I was doing as many things as I could to make it look like I was happy.

Then I went to college. I started failing things. I got less involved. I never made any (close) friends once we moved here whilst I was still in high school, and I haven't made any (close) college friends....just some acquaintances that seem to fall off the face of the planet once the semester I am taking a class with them ends. You know, those people you talk to, but once the semester is over, their number changes, or they stop responding to you? Yea, I've got a lot of those.

Anyway, I have an economics exam tomorrow, and a psych exam to type up tomorrow after I'm done studying, so....I guess this is it. All I have to say. See how interesting I am (not)? Auf weidersehen.

Rendezvous and perfection

All eyes are on me.....or they will be next week. I make a presentation on a case at my internship next week. Unfortunately, until tonight, I thought it was just over what we are doing at our internship. Now I have to pick a case (or more than one if I choose)....well, I was supposed to do that before, but didn't realise it.

I also have lost 7 points on 1 paper because I didn't make it to that class because of some stuff at my internship. Now I'm standing on the borderline of A and B, so this presentation must be absolutely perfect. I know my stuff though, and I love my internship, so why is this so much of a problem?

I HAVE PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.

When I get in front of people, I feel like I'm going to faint. Everyone's beady eyes are focused on me, some because they want to listen, others because they know they'll have participation points removed if they don't watch. And they'll be judging me. With their little beady eyes. That, or trying to play with their iPhones tastefully hidden behind their purse on their desk. (not that I'm biased- but we only have two or three guys in our graduating class. So generally, it's behind the purses. And I'm not joking. Social work tends not to be a male profession).

I also tend to ramble. Sometimes randomly. Because I get nervous and forget where I'm going. Sometimes, I even feel the need to fill the notes section of the powerpoint, just so I know I won't forget everything. Then I still ramble. Then someone will ask a question, and, because I (sadly) know a lot about MH/SA, I tend to answer, and then go off on tangents.

My presentation. I had it done two weeks early. I never finish ANYTHING two weeks early. Click HERE to see a blog written about my procrastination....while I was procrastinating on a psychology assignment. I might post my powerpoint here for critique, just because, (with my last name not showing, of course, because I'm so paranoid that someone will come hunt me down and murder me or something....by the way, please don't.)....Maybe I'll end up getting some good feedback.

PS- Dr. O, it would help if you would give me a due date, because otherwise, it might be the end of the semester before I do this stuff. I don't work well if there's not a deadline. I would also like to know if you ever received my first assignment, because it would have been wiped off my jump drive, and I'd have to redo that one too. On a manic day, I completed all the rest of the assignments and one of the two (very simple) take-home exams...I know about personality disorders already, so I flew through it, when I finally got to doing it. But I don't want to send this stuff into cyberspace for it to just disappear forever.

For right now, I will be re-making the powerpoint because- fault #2- I am a perfectionista, and right now, it is not up to my standards. It actually makes me want to cry because I feel like it's so awful. I am the type that will do, redo, and redo an assignment to death, just to make it perfect. Or keep improving, at least. Because it's never good enough. EVER. I will be agonising over this until I get my final grade. Then I will continue to critique my powerpoint. Although there will be nothing I can change, I will continue to think about what I messed up.

For example- a situation where I will never forget what I did wrong- Regional competition for UIL (University Interscholastic League- a "organisation" in Texas that allows students to compete with other students in a variety of things- football and other sports, music and other arts, and of course academics. I was always an academic. I missed senior prom because I was in San Angelo competing in an academic competition. Seriously. I could have gone back for prom that night, but I decided to stay and compete. *places geek sticker on forehead* (and yes, I was technically in the marching band- so I'm a band geek too. Or, well, technically, guard nerd. If you catch my drift.) That year, I spelt rendezvous wrong on the test. I don't know why or how, but I did. I will never again forget that word. I was like 2 points (which would be 1 or 2 questions depending on the section of the test I was on) from qualifying for state. I missed rendezvous. Why, why, why??? I counted the state scores from region- I was in the top 20ish area. But I didn't get to go to state. I will never again forget how to spell rendezvous....which is sad because I'll never have that opportunity again. I was *makes gesture* this close. THIS CLOSE!! to state competition. *facepalm* moving along.

So now, my readers know that I am terribly frightened of all those eyes staring at me while I have a presentation. If you are to view my presentation, please don't laugh when I get terrified. although I don't think any of my classmates are readers. I can talk one on one, no big deal. Small group....makes me a little anxious. Big group makes me want to run out of the room as if my seat is on fire, or as though I smell really good food cooking and haven't eaten in weeks.

However, since neither of those has happened, as one can tell by my not-so-fit physique and lack of burned-bottom, I don't know how fast I would be running. But I can assure you that's how fast I would probably run, if I could. I'm not looking forward to this. It's a week away and I'm already panicking- goodness, help us all, I will be speaking in front of a large group of people. Not only that, but I'll be fretting about my powerpoint and whether it is perfect. Whether I spelt everything right. Whether I answered all the questions, even though I've gone through what I already have about 10 times making sure it was all in there. Of course, after misreading the directions, I trust myself even less. Here goes the night- time to work on that presentation. Powerpoint will be up probably Wed or Thurs depending on how quickly I can mend the errors I've made. And on how quickly I can convince myself that there is no way I can change it and make it any better.

Even then, I will still be scrutinising it to death in my head. And probably write a blog or two to get away from it for a while. But still thinking about it the whole time. Of course, by nature. I can't let myself lose a few points here or there; they add up. This presentation....must....be.....perfect. -_- Obsessiveness at its finest.