Eight Lines of Insecurity

I am always unsure of myself in some manner.

I've been like this for quite a while, and I'm not sure how to shake it, even if I don't show it.

Sometimes I exude more confidence than I really actually have, which can work to my advantage.

When I look back though, sometimes I wonder if it was actually a lie to pretend to be confident, when I have little self-esteem.

This is one of the problems I think that I will face for much of my life. Another problem with my self-esteem is that I have a very clear perfectionist streak running through me that I've never been able to fully address.

When I fail to meet my perfectionistic goals, I feel less confidence in myself, and thereby, my self-esteem is lowered, whether I actually did a good job or not.

Nevertheless, I carry on, because I know that there are many things I must do in life that I will always be unsure about.

Will I ever learn how to be confident in myself?

3.) Write a post in just eight lines. (inspired by Mommy Nani Boo Boo)




 

Prompt Me: University of Choice

College/university: It's a major part of every student's life, whether they go or not, and if they go, the factors involved in their choice of colleges and universities are huge. HUGE.

When I was in high school, I was a starry-eyed believer in the dream college, which wasn't much, but was much different from where I actually ended up going. My dream college, my sights not set on Duke, Harvard, or Yale, was Baylor University in Waco, Texas, about an hour from where we actually live. I sent off my (incomplete, as I was still a high school student) transcripts, took my SATs, and did all the things a graduating high school student is expected to do.

Knowing that I was going for more than a "Community College," I involved myself in a number of extracurricular activities- enough that I had to "narrow the list" to which ones I wanted included in the yearbook & in the Who's Who Among American High School Students Edition the year I graduated. Colorguard, UIL, and Choir were my favorites, but there was also National Honor Society, Student Council, a brief stint on the Debate Team, all four years in the Who's Who records, class Salutatorian, and if you want to be specific, within UIL, I competed on the Spelling and Social Studies Team individually every meet, as well as a number of times on the Number Sense team, Math Team, Creative Writing team, once on the headline writing team, several times with each of the science teams in biology and chemistry (my physics skills were weak)...in other words, I was the top notch high school student.

I primed my transcript (106 grade point average, not too shabby!), and added the extracurriculars, certain that I'd be ready for the college of my dreams.

Then reality hit, and I got the paper that showed the tuition bill for a semester at Baylor University, as well as my awarded scholarship. I was only 1/4 paid for, and I was not able to commute an hour each way every day (even though in the end, that's what I essentially ended up doing).

My parents pushed for me to find something closer and less expensive, and so I (very apprehensively and not quite willingly) did. As the acceptance letter and scholarship to Baylor sat beckoning on my dresser, I applied to the University of Texas at Arlington, sent my transcript, scores, and whatever other desired materials.

March 11, 2005, due to the "10% rule" (and maybe the whole doing well in high school thing), I was accepted as a freshman into the University of Texas at Arlington. Quickie about the 10% rule- if  you are in the top 10% of your graduating class at a public high school in Texas, you are automatically granted admission to the public college or university of your choice granted there is room in their freshman class (cases like UT Austin call for further inspection, as their freshman class often is far too large to accommodate all the 10% graduates)

Needless to say, although the tuition was much more affordable, and I still had a scholarship, this was not my school of choice, and I was not happy. In addition, I wasn't able to participate in any activities- they all cost money. So here I was a college freshman, going to class for a few hours a day, and going straight to work. Not quite a way to adapt to college.

Four (or six) years later...I'm kind of glad I "chose" UTA. They have a really good school of social work...who knows what path I would have taken elsewhere? I did gradually accommodate myself to campus, although I never really found myself "fitting" on campus. It eventually became a place where I felt comfortable, and I'm kind of sad that I'm not there this semester, my first semester after graduation.

No, UTA wasn't my first choice, and it wouldn't have even been a choice had my parents not wanted me to go to a college "close to home" that was "affordable"...but nevertheless, I ended up going there, and you know what? I'm happy I did. I'd never take it back. The professors, the few people I did connect with, even though we lost contact, the experiences I had, they all had an impact on me. It wasn't my first choice, but it was a very good choice, indeed.

This weeks topic:  College

via

Today's Prompt:  I chose not to go to college....
or I chose the college I did.....

Day 9: A good memory

Day 9: Something that makes my life easier-

This is a difficult one. As of late, my life is all but "easy"...but it will be simpler soon, once I have my degree. Not to say it will be completely simple, as I won't be licensed or have a job yet, I'll have to work on finding a job and whatnot, but I'll be finished with my degree, and that's a positive.

Something currently that makes my life easier? I'd have to say that the fact that I retain information well definitely makes life easier. I don't remember everything, but I remember a lot of things. When it comes time to remember things, I usually do pretty well, sometimes even under pressure. Surprisingly, I test well. Not as well as I'd always like, but I'm a bit of a perfectionist.

Sometimes, it doesn't work out as an advantage- sometimes, I remember things I don't want to remember. Bad memories are hard to get rid of, and I can't choose which things I remember or forget. I wish it was that easy, but it's not.

Fortunately, for the most part, I remember the things I need and want to remember. If I need to jog my memory, I know how to do so, and that's another thing that makes my life easier- I know how I learn and remember. Of course, explaining it to someone is like explaining to someone why 1 comes after 0, but I have a natural way of reminding myself of things, and usually other people are stuped by it.

It's a good thing usually, having so many memories, being able to look back at them and see things so clearly even a decade later (or longer). I'm glad that I'm able to be able to do so, and I'm glad that I'm able to use my short-term memory to remember the things I need to remember here and now- making my life so much easier when it comes to school, listening to people, completing tasks, writing, and just doing what I need to do.

Here's to a good memory

Rendezvous and perfection

All eyes are on me.....or they will be next week. I make a presentation on a case at my internship next week. Unfortunately, until tonight, I thought it was just over what we are doing at our internship. Now I have to pick a case (or more than one if I choose)....well, I was supposed to do that before, but didn't realise it.

I also have lost 7 points on 1 paper because I didn't make it to that class because of some stuff at my internship. Now I'm standing on the borderline of A and B, so this presentation must be absolutely perfect. I know my stuff though, and I love my internship, so why is this so much of a problem?

I HAVE PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.

When I get in front of people, I feel like I'm going to faint. Everyone's beady eyes are focused on me, some because they want to listen, others because they know they'll have participation points removed if they don't watch. And they'll be judging me. With their little beady eyes. That, or trying to play with their iPhones tastefully hidden behind their purse on their desk. (not that I'm biased- but we only have two or three guys in our graduating class. So generally, it's behind the purses. And I'm not joking. Social work tends not to be a male profession).

I also tend to ramble. Sometimes randomly. Because I get nervous and forget where I'm going. Sometimes, I even feel the need to fill the notes section of the powerpoint, just so I know I won't forget everything. Then I still ramble. Then someone will ask a question, and, because I (sadly) know a lot about MH/SA, I tend to answer, and then go off on tangents.

My presentation. I had it done two weeks early. I never finish ANYTHING two weeks early. Click HERE to see a blog written about my procrastination....while I was procrastinating on a psychology assignment. I might post my powerpoint here for critique, just because, (with my last name not showing, of course, because I'm so paranoid that someone will come hunt me down and murder me or something....by the way, please don't.)....Maybe I'll end up getting some good feedback.

PS- Dr. O, it would help if you would give me a due date, because otherwise, it might be the end of the semester before I do this stuff. I don't work well if there's not a deadline. I would also like to know if you ever received my first assignment, because it would have been wiped off my jump drive, and I'd have to redo that one too. On a manic day, I completed all the rest of the assignments and one of the two (very simple) take-home exams...I know about personality disorders already, so I flew through it, when I finally got to doing it. But I don't want to send this stuff into cyberspace for it to just disappear forever.

For right now, I will be re-making the powerpoint because- fault #2- I am a perfectionista, and right now, it is not up to my standards. It actually makes me want to cry because I feel like it's so awful. I am the type that will do, redo, and redo an assignment to death, just to make it perfect. Or keep improving, at least. Because it's never good enough. EVER. I will be agonising over this until I get my final grade. Then I will continue to critique my powerpoint. Although there will be nothing I can change, I will continue to think about what I messed up.

For example- a situation where I will never forget what I did wrong- Regional competition for UIL (University Interscholastic League- a "organisation" in Texas that allows students to compete with other students in a variety of things- football and other sports, music and other arts, and of course academics. I was always an academic. I missed senior prom because I was in San Angelo competing in an academic competition. Seriously. I could have gone back for prom that night, but I decided to stay and compete. *places geek sticker on forehead* (and yes, I was technically in the marching band- so I'm a band geek too. Or, well, technically, guard nerd. If you catch my drift.) That year, I spelt rendezvous wrong on the test. I don't know why or how, but I did. I will never again forget that word. I was like 2 points (which would be 1 or 2 questions depending on the section of the test I was on) from qualifying for state. I missed rendezvous. Why, why, why??? I counted the state scores from region- I was in the top 20ish area. But I didn't get to go to state. I will never again forget how to spell rendezvous....which is sad because I'll never have that opportunity again. I was *makes gesture* this close. THIS CLOSE!! to state competition. *facepalm* moving along.

So now, my readers know that I am terribly frightened of all those eyes staring at me while I have a presentation. If you are to view my presentation, please don't laugh when I get terrified. although I don't think any of my classmates are readers. I can talk one on one, no big deal. Small group....makes me a little anxious. Big group makes me want to run out of the room as if my seat is on fire, or as though I smell really good food cooking and haven't eaten in weeks.

However, since neither of those has happened, as one can tell by my not-so-fit physique and lack of burned-bottom, I don't know how fast I would be running. But I can assure you that's how fast I would probably run, if I could. I'm not looking forward to this. It's a week away and I'm already panicking- goodness, help us all, I will be speaking in front of a large group of people. Not only that, but I'll be fretting about my powerpoint and whether it is perfect. Whether I spelt everything right. Whether I answered all the questions, even though I've gone through what I already have about 10 times making sure it was all in there. Of course, after misreading the directions, I trust myself even less. Here goes the night- time to work on that presentation. Powerpoint will be up probably Wed or Thurs depending on how quickly I can mend the errors I've made. And on how quickly I can convince myself that there is no way I can change it and make it any better.

Even then, I will still be scrutinising it to death in my head. And probably write a blog or two to get away from it for a while. But still thinking about it the whole time. Of course, by nature. I can't let myself lose a few points here or there; they add up. This presentation....must....be.....perfect. -_- Obsessiveness at its finest.