Prompt Me: University of Choice

College/university: It's a major part of every student's life, whether they go or not, and if they go, the factors involved in their choice of colleges and universities are huge. HUGE.

When I was in high school, I was a starry-eyed believer in the dream college, which wasn't much, but was much different from where I actually ended up going. My dream college, my sights not set on Duke, Harvard, or Yale, was Baylor University in Waco, Texas, about an hour from where we actually live. I sent off my (incomplete, as I was still a high school student) transcripts, took my SATs, and did all the things a graduating high school student is expected to do.

Knowing that I was going for more than a "Community College," I involved myself in a number of extracurricular activities- enough that I had to "narrow the list" to which ones I wanted included in the yearbook & in the Who's Who Among American High School Students Edition the year I graduated. Colorguard, UIL, and Choir were my favorites, but there was also National Honor Society, Student Council, a brief stint on the Debate Team, all four years in the Who's Who records, class Salutatorian, and if you want to be specific, within UIL, I competed on the Spelling and Social Studies Team individually every meet, as well as a number of times on the Number Sense team, Math Team, Creative Writing team, once on the headline writing team, several times with each of the science teams in biology and chemistry (my physics skills were weak)...in other words, I was the top notch high school student.

I primed my transcript (106 grade point average, not too shabby!), and added the extracurriculars, certain that I'd be ready for the college of my dreams.

Then reality hit, and I got the paper that showed the tuition bill for a semester at Baylor University, as well as my awarded scholarship. I was only 1/4 paid for, and I was not able to commute an hour each way every day (even though in the end, that's what I essentially ended up doing).

My parents pushed for me to find something closer and less expensive, and so I (very apprehensively and not quite willingly) did. As the acceptance letter and scholarship to Baylor sat beckoning on my dresser, I applied to the University of Texas at Arlington, sent my transcript, scores, and whatever other desired materials.

March 11, 2005, due to the "10% rule" (and maybe the whole doing well in high school thing), I was accepted as a freshman into the University of Texas at Arlington. Quickie about the 10% rule- if  you are in the top 10% of your graduating class at a public high school in Texas, you are automatically granted admission to the public college or university of your choice granted there is room in their freshman class (cases like UT Austin call for further inspection, as their freshman class often is far too large to accommodate all the 10% graduates)

Needless to say, although the tuition was much more affordable, and I still had a scholarship, this was not my school of choice, and I was not happy. In addition, I wasn't able to participate in any activities- they all cost money. So here I was a college freshman, going to class for a few hours a day, and going straight to work. Not quite a way to adapt to college.

Four (or six) years later...I'm kind of glad I "chose" UTA. They have a really good school of social work...who knows what path I would have taken elsewhere? I did gradually accommodate myself to campus, although I never really found myself "fitting" on campus. It eventually became a place where I felt comfortable, and I'm kind of sad that I'm not there this semester, my first semester after graduation.

No, UTA wasn't my first choice, and it wouldn't have even been a choice had my parents not wanted me to go to a college "close to home" that was "affordable"...but nevertheless, I ended up going there, and you know what? I'm happy I did. I'd never take it back. The professors, the few people I did connect with, even though we lost contact, the experiences I had, they all had an impact on me. It wasn't my first choice, but it was a very good choice, indeed.

This weeks topic:  College

via

Today's Prompt:  I chose not to go to college....
or I chose the college I did.....

A Place in this World

Shuffling through my iPod listening to music, I heard the graduation song by Vitamin C.....which has been very important to me, and still is, even though it's now pretty old; I still sometimes listen to it on repeat, and occasionally cry. If you don't know the song, I'll lead you to the youtube video below. I still had to listen to it while grabbing the link to it....it's one of those songs that I absolutely love, and can relate to.

I started high school in Killeen, after being there for 8 years. I had gotten to know most everyone pretty well, and since I had been there a while, was, for the most part, well adjusted. After my freshman year, though, we had to move, and I was crushed. Of course, at this time, the song was fairly new, and my best friend and I declared it as "our song"....we had never thought I would be moving, and at the time still found it unbelievable. We don't talk anymore, from what I understand that she said. I miss her.

After moving here, I never really made any bonds with anyone- it was a small school district, and I was an outsider coming in. Most of the students in my class were in the 12 year photo- those who started and finished in the same district. I did not. A few were upset when they found out my GPA was high enough to bump them down a rank because I was salutatorian (second highest GPA, behind valedictorian). I was glad to be in the upper echelon of the class, but still felt a bit rejected. I did make a few close acquaintances, and when I graduated, I felt torn apart again. I felt this song related to me not once, but twice: I always felt like things would never change.

Unfortunately, one element of the song I cannot relate to- because those who were my friends are no longer "friends forever". We've moved on...she has her friends, I have....schoolbooks. I no longer believe in the idea of "friends forever," rather, I just consider friendship as a close relationship between two people that is strong, but not permanent...."friends for a long time". I don't want to think about it that way, but every friend I try to make ends up falling off the face of the planet within a few months.

I would, however, love to have a (real life, not internet) best friend. I miss it. Most people would do anything for their best friend, I'm one of those types. Alas, times will never be the same, things will always change. Now, when I go back to Killeen, it's a completely different place, and very few people even recognise me, even if they've seen me on facebook or something. Sometimes it helps to listen to "Move Along" by the All American Rejects:

Friend. What is a best friend in my opinion? A best friend is someone that will stick beside you through thick and thin, whether you ask or want them to be there, or not. They'll be there when nobody else will. You'll share stories and laugh at movies together. You'll tell jokes and share secrets that you'd NEVER tell anyone else. You can't frighten them off with anything. They care, even if you really don't need them to. Instead of bailing you out of trouble, they'll probably be right in there along with you, because you were probably together at the time.

I always wonder, though, if there is a cutoff point, where you can no longer make this sort of bond with someone. Am I past that point? Is that why I can't seem to make and keep friends? I know I miss what I had, but I know also that it will never be the same again. The people I knew in Killeen are not the same people they were back then. Many are married, have children, they've got jobs and their own place, it's completely different. It's hard to feel like I belong anywhere. Taylor Swift- A Place in This World completely explains how I (as well as some others) feel....I just want to belong somewhere. I've not felt belonging in quite a long time. Don't get me wrong, I've tried to find my place, but I'm the square peg trying to fit into the round hole.

On Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, one of the levels includes love and belonging. Family usually indicates the presence of love, but belonging is something that's hard to achieve, and I feel like that's where I'm stuck- between the second level (safety) and the fourth level (self-efficacy and self-esteem). Once you get stuck on a level, you can't logically achieve anything higher than that.

Therefore, my esteem is low (a lot of people already knew that anyway). I need friendship, I want friendship, but it's like trying to find a specific needle in a stack of needles (reference to an episode of one of my fave shows, Criminal Minds). However, if I look more closely and objectively, I realise that I'm probably the one chasing people away! It doesn't help that I'm a tad anti-social, and I don't go out much. There are people out there who are GREAT at making friends, and I get a little jealous sometimes, because I long for that closeness again, but being the person I am, putting all my effort into everything (or almost everything) that I do, I think I end up neglecting people, thus not making friends. 

Nevertheless, friendship is an important part of life that should be embraced (I embrace it), and handled with care, because once a bond is broken, it's difficult to make it fit back together like it was before. If you break a piece of glass, does it ever fit together perfectly? No. That's what friendship is like. It may be close, but it's just not the same once the ties have been loosened or broken. 

Right now, though, I'm more focused on trying to find a place in this world. This broken, mixed up, confusing world, where relationships and words are misunderstood, where there are lonely, hungry, and sad people, where it's difficult to find a place for yourself, to find love and belonging, to accept yourself for who you are, where you can't really build self-esteem or self-efficacy unless you've got love and belonging. Maybe one day, I'll belong somewhere, but right now, in the words of Taylor Swift "I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world"