Anticipation and Anxiety

When it came time for me to come back from my bloggy break, I was anxious. I had a lot of anticipation. would I have a lot of new ideas? Would I have a lot to post? Would it be easy to jump back in? Would it be difficult?

Anxiety is something I experience often. When I planned my comeback, I had no anticipation that I would have a job interview...or a second interview...or a job. I knew my parents' anniversary was the first, and after that, I planned to start blogging again. Now I'm gripped with fear- what if I can't keep up again? It's been so long, I'm out of the habit, what will happen?

Plus I'm preparing in anticipation for my impending graduation, a little over a month away. Thanksgiving is approaching in the states, which is a bit of a thing to anticipate because there's always a family hooplah. My birthday is soon after, which has become less exciting. Black Friday is also soon after, which had less significance until my recent acquisition of a job.

Then there's December. My grandparents may be coming down from St. Louis for the event. I've been anticipating it...well, since the day I found out I was getting that piece of paper! Then there's the holiday season, which, of course, will now include retail working hours. There's also the fact that I've been anticipating the licensing exam for social work, which I needed the money to pay for (and will now have, with a job), which I will have to study for. That alone can cause a lot of anxiety!

Of course, it was already going to be an anxious season because of the number of events coming up, but now there's a lot of work tied to it with a retail job, and a lot of cleaning to be done! Anticipation is a good thing, but when you start adding more responsibilities and events, I become more anxious and awkward. Here's to hoping that I have enough time to sort through everything, and continue blogging too!

The Good & the Bad

I got some good news today.

Unfortunately, the good news always comes with a ton of bad news saddled to its back.

It was a normal day for me. I woke up around my average time, checked my online mail, my phone, perused some sites looking for jobs, waited for mom to come home. I got a call asking me to fill my sister's water jug for band camp and bring it out so my mom can take it down to the high school when she drives by, so I do so, then I come back to my computer.

My mom comes home, and brings in the mail, telling me that I have some mail. Figuring it's some credit card company, I yell out asking what is it? I start wandering out there, not expecting much, then I remember that I'm waiting for news from Austin. I was thinking maybe it would come in phone-call fashion, but the thought popped into my head that it might not, so I asked "Is it from Austin?"

I didn't get an answer immediately. I get out to the kitchen, and she says "It says something about social work..." and I start running full speed to the family room. She asked how badly I wanted it, and I said I'd fight her for it if I had to. I've been waiting for this since the beginning of August!! I try ripping the envelope open, but they're smarter than making it that easy to open. It even says "Official State Mail Penalty For Private Use" on the stamp. I grab the letter opener and slide that sucker open.

I've been approved to take the state licensing exam.

I do my little celebration dance, with a little yelling and whatnot involved.

Then I go to the website to register. Party over. I have to register with the website to take the exam, and I have to pay before I can register to take the exam. I don't have the money to take the exam. Needless to say, I have to wait even longer to take the exam- probably necessitating the acquisition of a job before I can do so. Good news? Well, I guess it always has to come saddled with bad news.

The internship wasn't my first choice, and didn't end the way I wanted it to, graduation meant I needed a license, and the license is requiring so much money that it's astonishing. Not to mention that graduation is draining enough money by itself, and I can't even invite all the people I want to- it might be limited to 4 people, possibly 10, if I'm lucky. Life's little lessons- you have to take the good with the bad, right? Well, I guess I'm gonna become pretty good at that.

At least I'm approved to take the exam, the news I've been waiting for!! Now I just have to wait for everything else to fall into place....

Almost Wordless Wednesday

Mom's Birthday was this week. Half eaten cheesecake. Yum!

This is what lots of candles look like. Actually, there were only 12...

This is what today's resumé looks like. Well, before printing. 

Some slightly helpful materials. They don't write the resumé though...

This is what I consider a break. Oh, and I heard something about book week.

I'm a bit partial to this shelf

These aren't all of them. This is only a partial view- I couldn't get all of them. There are alsostill some in boxes, as well as some in the attic...many boxes. I don't know if I'll be able to fit them all, actually...I have books elsewhere also....*bookaholic...guilty!*

Prompt Me: University of Choice

College/university: It's a major part of every student's life, whether they go or not, and if they go, the factors involved in their choice of colleges and universities are huge. HUGE.

When I was in high school, I was a starry-eyed believer in the dream college, which wasn't much, but was much different from where I actually ended up going. My dream college, my sights not set on Duke, Harvard, or Yale, was Baylor University in Waco, Texas, about an hour from where we actually live. I sent off my (incomplete, as I was still a high school student) transcripts, took my SATs, and did all the things a graduating high school student is expected to do.

Knowing that I was going for more than a "Community College," I involved myself in a number of extracurricular activities- enough that I had to "narrow the list" to which ones I wanted included in the yearbook & in the Who's Who Among American High School Students Edition the year I graduated. Colorguard, UIL, and Choir were my favorites, but there was also National Honor Society, Student Council, a brief stint on the Debate Team, all four years in the Who's Who records, class Salutatorian, and if you want to be specific, within UIL, I competed on the Spelling and Social Studies Team individually every meet, as well as a number of times on the Number Sense team, Math Team, Creative Writing team, once on the headline writing team, several times with each of the science teams in biology and chemistry (my physics skills were weak)...in other words, I was the top notch high school student.

I primed my transcript (106 grade point average, not too shabby!), and added the extracurriculars, certain that I'd be ready for the college of my dreams.

Then reality hit, and I got the paper that showed the tuition bill for a semester at Baylor University, as well as my awarded scholarship. I was only 1/4 paid for, and I was not able to commute an hour each way every day (even though in the end, that's what I essentially ended up doing).

My parents pushed for me to find something closer and less expensive, and so I (very apprehensively and not quite willingly) did. As the acceptance letter and scholarship to Baylor sat beckoning on my dresser, I applied to the University of Texas at Arlington, sent my transcript, scores, and whatever other desired materials.

March 11, 2005, due to the "10% rule" (and maybe the whole doing well in high school thing), I was accepted as a freshman into the University of Texas at Arlington. Quickie about the 10% rule- if  you are in the top 10% of your graduating class at a public high school in Texas, you are automatically granted admission to the public college or university of your choice granted there is room in their freshman class (cases like UT Austin call for further inspection, as their freshman class often is far too large to accommodate all the 10% graduates)

Needless to say, although the tuition was much more affordable, and I still had a scholarship, this was not my school of choice, and I was not happy. In addition, I wasn't able to participate in any activities- they all cost money. So here I was a college freshman, going to class for a few hours a day, and going straight to work. Not quite a way to adapt to college.

Four (or six) years later...I'm kind of glad I "chose" UTA. They have a really good school of social work...who knows what path I would have taken elsewhere? I did gradually accommodate myself to campus, although I never really found myself "fitting" on campus. It eventually became a place where I felt comfortable, and I'm kind of sad that I'm not there this semester, my first semester after graduation.

No, UTA wasn't my first choice, and it wouldn't have even been a choice had my parents not wanted me to go to a college "close to home" that was "affordable"...but nevertheless, I ended up going there, and you know what? I'm happy I did. I'd never take it back. The professors, the few people I did connect with, even though we lost contact, the experiences I had, they all had an impact on me. It wasn't my first choice, but it was a very good choice, indeed.

This weeks topic:  College

via

Today's Prompt:  I chose not to go to college....
or I chose the college I did.....

Two Hundredth Post

Two Hundred Amazing Things

For my two hundredth post, I've decided I'm going to
1. Write about one hundred amazing things I appreciate- monumental or not. Some of them may be geeky or silly, others are extremely monumental. Some may be related to each other, others may be out there.
2. Write 25 things about me, some of them you may know, some of them you may not
3. Write about 25 things I want to happen in the future (big or small)
4. Write about 25 things I've done this month
5. Write about 25 things I want to happen this month (or will make myself do)

I'm flying by the seat of my pants here, but let's get started.

100 Things I appreciate
1. I graduated from college
2. I got my college class ring/ will be receiving at the end of the month
3. I got a pillowtop mattress (OMG it's so amazing...)
4. I've almost reached 150k miles on my car
5. I'm starting to get my sleep closer to a regular schedule

6. Internet on a phone. Need I say more?
7. Foursquare Awards. I don't know why they feel great, but they do.
8. Klout. I haz it. It's amazing.
9. One of my high school teachers still keeps up with me.
10. I'll be seeing this high school teacher on Friday, and he's going to help me with job interview stuff

11. Walking across the stage...I'll be doing it again in December.
12. It was amazingly cool today. We got a break from the heat of summer!!
13. I've made some really awesome friends through blogging!
14. My brother is getting married
15. My sister is in high school

16. I've come so far with my blog & blogging
17. I've learnt so much about the internet in my ventures
18. I've lost a little weight
19. Waking up on the mornings I don't have headaches.
20. Winning at video games

21. Winning at Sudoku (how can you lose at Sudoku, anyway?)
22. Going home after a really, really long day
23. The feeling you get after I've done something that helps someone
24. A solid high-five
25. Being able to french braid my hair without looking in the mirror (seriously!)

26. Finding an old cassette tape my best friend gave me in middle school and remembering how Corky taped over part of it, and how mad I was at the time, and how I now have the whole mP3 file, and all the needless yelling I did at the time (memories made :) how sweet)
27. Remembering the one time that Texas had a White Christmas and record-breaking snowfall in February.
28. Finding something I had lost all hope on finding
29. Perfect length nails that won't break (thank you genetics!!)
30. Getting new colorful socks without asking for them

31. Saying something just before the radio or TV says it
32. The smell of freshly cleaned sheets
33. The perfect gift that I decided not to ask for because I didn't think I'd get it...and you got it anyway!
34. Realizing the cop going down the road isn't going after you (sometimes they make you paranoid...)
35. Eating cookie dough, brownie batter, or cake batter, even though the packages all say not to

36. Catching gas prices just before they go up
37. Swimming pools on a hot summer day (really, it's amazing)
38. Reading a book I love, even if I've already read it a million times
39. Snuggling under my blanket with my sock monkey
40. Going through some of my old things and remembering the events that went with them...nostalgia!

41. The scent of Vicks
42. Seeing an envelope for me in the mail...unless it's a credit card offer.
43. My medal board
44. Painting things, and writing things, and drawing things
45. My pillows, all of them, and the fact that they matched my comforter when I didn't plan that

46. Getting a lot of points on Words with Friends when I wasn't planning a word that would get a lot of points
47. Knowing something that I didn't think I knew
48. Laughing so hard that I can't even hear a sound
49. Going all the way through growing-small-town without hitting a red light (this almost never happens)
50. Singing very loudly in my car on the freeway, and having someone look at me like I'm nuts, which just inspires me to sing more loudly

51. Finally getting that huge knot out of my hair...granted, I probably ripped the hair out in the process...but it's a huge victory getting that knot out!! You have no idea!!
52. Finding my favorite TV shows just as they're coming on, or better yet, coming home and finding out my dad has them all on the DVR and turns them on during dinner for me.
53. Taking the perfect picture at the perfect time
54. Plugging in my phone or computer just before it dies
55. Reaching a landmark (post 100, post 200, blogoversary, 100 followers, etc.)

56. Finding that nice, empty, comfortable space in traffic, where I'm not being tailgated, and I don't have to tailgate the person in front of me to prevent being tailgated
57. Ordering food special so that I know it's fresh when the person serves it to me
58. Two words: Batteries included.
59. Riding my bike really fast down a steep hill (given that I don't have to ride my bike up the hill to get there, or back up the hill later...lol)
60. Roller coasters...especially when the lights come on at night! It's really awesome...And when the wind is blowing? Ahh. It was really great when my hair was long and I'd take it down on the coaster and the person behind me would get a face full of hair...I mean...oops. I would never do that. I'm too nice. *whistle*

61. The appearance of everything underwater...how everything is all distorted and funky looking
62. Making it out of somewhere just before all the crowds amass...I really don't like crowds, so knowing that I made it out before the crowds is really comforting.
63. That shocked face people make when they see how fast I can type, and then when they ask me how fast I type and I *honestly and sincerely* tell them I don't know...because I honestly and sincerely don't. But it's pretty fast.
64. Seeing someone drive by me really fast on the highway, telling them "go get those cops"....and seeing them pulled over 2 miles later.
65. A clean room (not that I've seen one in a while *sigh*)

66. Taking my hair down at the end of the day and just brushing it
67. Doing math with the numbers in the time...like 12:36 (12 x 3 = 36....I overthink things, I know)
68. Knowing where everything is when I go somewhere, while other people are searching and looking lost...so I can get in and out, while others are still looking for someone to help them....
69. Putting a spam account on certain things where I know I'll be getting spam emails and never checking the spam account because I know I don't want to check the spam...
70. Seeing someone I haven't seen in a long time unexpectedly and catching up with them

71. Learning a new keyboard shortcut (it seems I learn new ones almost every day, but I can never remember them on command, just when I need them)
72. Holding and playing with my baby cousin...she's so cute!! I love babies, I just don't think I'm prepared for one of my own....or ever will be.
73. Being the weird one that keeps my food separate- I may be different, but it makes for...if not interesting, at least *some* dinner conversation.
74. When the dog comes and visits me in my room, which he hardly ever does (which is what makes it so special)
75. Having the whole morning to stretch and wake up, and not having to worry about being somewhere at a certain time (although having something to do with my life would be nice)

76. Having a meaning to life, rather than just waking up every day to the monotony that is after-college jobless without-a-license whatever I'm in right now (I once had it...so I can add it to this list)
77. I found the license plate that was pressed right after mine- identical except it ends in 072, mine ends in 071. Yesssss I paid attention enough to notice that...I'm weird like that.
78. Perfectly. Parallel. Parking. So perfect that I took pictures. My dad claims I photoshopped them, but I didn't, I actually did the perfect parallel park, and I've never done it before. Ever. I take that back, I tried once, but it was an epic fail, making this much more of an EPIC WIN.
79. Being late, but realizing I'm actually the first one there, so nobody will know that I'm late anyway, bahaha
80. Taking shoes off without untying them. Who unties their shoes anymore? Didn't think so...

81. Other accents than my own. Admittedly, my own accent sucks. Australian accents are my favorite.
82. Blog hops...wait, let me finish...that are communicative, and on blogs that actually type something up other than giveaways or coupons. I mean, I really dislike the necessary follow on a blog that only does giveaways and coupons, and the giveaways are on stuff I don't need (Diapers? Childrens clothing? No thank you). I still participate in hopes of finding other blogs I do like, because there are some out there that also participate in these hops. I visit the linkys, and I leave more than a "HI, I'm Ashley, visit my website and follow back!"...ok, I must move on.
83. Good comments. They make me melt. I've had some make me cry in public. One at the dentist.
84. Sock monkey. I love my sock monkey.
85. My little sister. I love my little sister so much, and I don't think she realizes how much. I don't think she ever will, no matter how much I say it.

86. Being able to breathe through my nose (it's really amazing when I haven't been able to breathe through my nose for a while)
87. Typing by lamplight (it's much more epic than typing by regular light)
88. Boxes. I don't know what it is about boxes, but I love boxes.
89. Putting stickers on things. I love putting stickers on things, and tape too. Duct tape especially, it's my favorite.
90. Making things of your own...being creative. Artsy. I'm not real artsy, but I love creating my own things.

91. QT drinks. One who has not been to QT can not understand the epic greatness of QT and their fountain drinks, especially when you mix and create your own great flavors like I have (blue raspberry vanilla Diet Pepsi anyone? It sounds disgusting, but it actually tastes great)
92. Mousse. It's so puffy and fluffy and doesn't make my hair sticky and gross like hairspray, and doesn't make it as stiff as gel does.
93. Being almost done with something
94. Having more than one idea in the same night
95. Figuring something out that I haven't been able to figure out for a while

96. Planning posts
97. Having a ton of tabs open and being able to keep track of all of them & knowing that I'm using them all (none of them are going to waste!)
98. Having the nerve to call people out on something when they need to be called out on, and being able to do it without being nervous or upset
99. Knowing that even though I had a lot of obstacles, I was able to accomplish more than I ever thought I would accomplish because I persevered, even when I was told I would fail, even when I went through some really rough times and had everything standing against me.
100. Having my whole future ahead of me, and not knowing what it holds, because it could hold anything for me, which means it could be something great

25 Things About Me
1. I'm a freak of nature- I was born without tonsils. Then again, I'm thankful, because I never have to have a tonsillectomy. =)
2. Everyone else believes in me more than I do. A rock believes in me more than I do. That's how much I believe in myself. Nevertheless, I carry on as though I believe in myself.
3. I actually liked my job at Big Circle Box Retailer. I didn't love it, but I liked it enough that I would go back if given the opportunity and I had nowhere else to go. I've applied to go back.
4. I don't really like lollipops or hard candy that much, except blueberry dum-dum pops.
5. I've never been kissed...willingly. Unwillingly, yes; willingly, no.

6. I hate seafood, but I love Red Lobster.
7. I sleep with my sock monkey every night. It's probably the only thing I'll ever sleep with.
8. I have an obsession with the color blue.
9. I didn't really want to go to UTA. I wanted to go to Baylor. I was accepted at Baylor. I had a scholarship at Baylor, but I still couldn't afford it. UTA was my second choice. I only went there because we didn't have the money for me to move out.
10. I liked Killeen, until we moved away. When I went back, I didn't like it. I still don't like where I live now. This leaves me with inner conflict because I don't know where I like.

11. It's medication that made me gain all my weight.
12. I do guest blogs but I don't post them on my blog.
13. I like that I can still wear children's sized shoes, because they're much cheaper usually
14. I have a board full of medals that I will one day share- here's an idea of what's on there-

• Class of 2005 Salutatorian
• 2005 UIL State Social Studies Team Champions
• 2005 UIL Regional Spelling Team Runners-Up
• 2005 UIL Regional Spelling Individual 5th Place
• 2005 UIL Regional Social Studies Team Champions
• 2005 UIL District Social Studies Team Champions
• 2005 UIL District Spelling Team Champions
• 2005 UIL District Spelling Individual 3rd Place
• 2005 UIL Choir Solo/Ensemble Division I Solo- District
• 2005 UIL Choir Solo/Ensemble Division II Solo- State
• 2004 North Texas Colorguard Association State Champions Division AA
• Academic Medals awarded by teacher for AP Calculus, Pre-AP Spanish II, Pre-AP World History, AP Chemistry
• Texas Scholar- i.e. I graduated. Seems dim after the others....

15. 2005 was a really good year for me (see statement 14) and I spent most of the months of April and May away from home, which was refreshing. 

16. I love Chicken Soup for the Soul books. I don't know why. I even love the stories in the ones not relevant to me. For example, Chicken Soup for the Working Mother. Completely not for me, but I'd probably love it. 

17. I have a strange fascination with numbers and facts, and often get called names for it...such as Wikipedia or Webster. 

18. I literally stapled my finger today. Stapled the staple directly into my finger. Not thinking, pulled it directly out. I hope nothing is wrong.

19. I duct taped a box purple tonight. No lie. Purple from top to bottom. Using my time wisely. 

20. I talked to someone about getting a job at a place I discovered was hiring. They told me I was overqualified and needed to find something that more suited my needs and degree. >.>

21. I was in colorguard for 2 years, co-captain for 1 year, yet I can't even spin a rifle now. I can do drop spins with a flag, and that's about it.

22. I'm addicted to Cherry 7Up, and I don't know why. At least it's caffeine free, so I can drink it at night too.

23. I don't get along very well with my parents. 

24. I'm not registered to vote. In a county like mine, if I'm not gonna vote Republican, there's no point in registering. I can shout any other party until the cows come home, but the GOP will still win in this city/county/etc. My voice means nothing here. So why register? To spend my time at the voting booths casting a vote that will be one of the few non-Republican? I'm not a Dem, but I'm not a GOP either. Face it, there's no point in an area that's so strongly GOP. 

25. I love denim. Denim jackets, denim skirts (this may be the one way to get me to wear a skirt), denim tops, denim vests, denim shorts, denim pants, I love denim.

25 Things I want to happen in the future

1. I want to get my license (of course!)

2. I want someone to love me for who I am

3. I want someone to finally believe that this is not something that I created myself, that what I'm saying is real.

4. I want my expenses taken care of

5. I want to live comfortably- but not necessarily in luxury

6. I want to see my sister get married

7. I want my sister to go to college and be successful in a career

8. I want to get my own place, somewhere near the city, but not in the city

9. I want the stuff that's been plaguing my life and negatively impacting me to go away (if you know me, you know what I mean by this)

10. I want to be self-sufficient

11. I want people to care about what I have to say

12. I want to see my brother be successful in a career/graduate from college

13. I want to narrow my stuff down to the things I really need, instead of everything I think I'm emotionally attached to

14. I want to go to graduate school

15. I want to find a way to set up or participate in the kind of business that I've been thinking about, with the hours and whatnot, because I know what life can be like for certain populations, and there are certain things I want to address

16. I want to visit Australia

17. I want to meet all my bloggy and Twitter friends, and explore more of the world

18. I want to do a lot of things, without worrying what my parents might think (including writing stuff like this)

19. I want to learn German and become fluent in the language.

20. I want to make an entire blog of awesome and inspiring quotes that are compiled from other places

21. I want to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day, rather than dreading it

22. I want to have a purpose

23. I want to have a social life, outside of the computer, and yes, I know that requires going out---and

24. I want to feel more comfortable going out, but most importantly:

25. I want to help as many people as I can to reach their full potential, because I know there is plenty opportunity out there, I just have to find it.

25 Things I've Done This Month

I had to challenge myself with this one....

1. I moved all the stuff out of my room so that the floor guys could recarpet

2. I moved all the stuff back into my room after the carpet was installed

3. I visited with my brother some on a few of his lunch breaks from work, when he came to the house to eat

4. I finished my undergraduate degree

5. I aced my final paper and my psychology final

6. I wrapped up all my appointments at the university and settled all my debts

7. I picked up medications at the pharmacy

8. I taped a shoebox purple

9. I stapled a finger

10. I went to a high school football game--the home team...EPIC FAIL

11. I had a shelf fall on my arm and I had a bruise for a bit

12. I had my blogoversary and wrote a blog/came up with a blog hop in celebration of my blogoversary

13. I went swimming

14. I talked on twitter....a lot

15. I created my facebook page and acquired a lot of fans

16. I participated in a 30 day challenge

17. I slept in...a lot. 

18. I stayed in bed a few days when feeling under the weather, because when I stood up or sat up, I felt dizzy.

19. I found my salutatorian speech from high school...and thought about posting it here...but decided against it.

20. I rearranged my room

21. I visited with a former teacher of mine, who also happens to be my sister's current teacher...poor Corky

22. I traumatized the dog by calling him onto my bed knowing that it was higher than the old one...

23. I faceplanted in the parking lot on one of my last few days of class

24. I bought headphones, after waiting a few months to get some

25. I decided to be proactive about losing weight, and I've lost a lot.

25 Things Which I Want to Happen This Month

1. I want to get a job, whether it requires a license or not

2. I want my ring to arrive in the mail

3. I want my mom to have a happy birthday

4. I want my blog hop to go over well

5. I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job

6. I want to finish a few books

7. I want to finish clearing the "stuff" that is left from moving everything out to the garage for the carpet guys

8. I want to continue growing as a blogger

9. I want this sinus crap to go away

10. I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job

11. I want my meeting with Dr. B to go well on Friday

12. I want to lose a little more weight...a little at a time

13. I want to apply for graduate school, to see what else it is I need to do to get in

14. If I don't get a job, I want to volunteer at the Mental Health Association again

15 I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job

16. I want to find a doctor that will work with me

17. I want to find a way to fill my calendar...it's kind of blank right now.

18. I want Texas to get some rain somehow...it's way too dry. I also want the fires to go away...related, so it goes under this category.

19. I want to adjust my sleeping schedule so that it's more normal

20. I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job

21. I want to write about RUOK Day in Australia (in fact, I plan to, later this week)

22. I want to listen to a lot of music....and find some new songs. I've been having trouble getting Adele's "Someone Like You" and it's frustrating me. Argh. 

23. I want to limit my spending...significantly. I don't really want to be spending at all, I have no reason to spend. 

24. I want to be open and honest

25. Most of all.....I WANT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!

And if you got this far, I commend you, because a lot of people will stop reading about halfway through, I bet. I doubt anyone will make it this far. *whistle*. If you do, let me know in my comments down there ↓↓ where it usually is! 

I've made it to 200 posts....holy cow. 

Ten Years Time

Today's post will be my 199th post. The next will be number 200, and I've already got something in mind for that, but I've got something else in mind for today.

Yesterday's post was about where I picture myself in 10 years, and I've written other posts about where I picture myself in the future- prompted posts often ask about where we picture ourselves in the future.

But one thing they don't do is look at the past. Ten years ago Sunday is a significant date in the lives of Americans- we, as a country, as a whole, were attacked. Many of us that were old enough to remember do- we were in a classroom, at work, at the gym- it's something that we've related as a story, and there are even songs that ask "Do You Remember?"

I was in freshman choir class, with the most difficult and strict choir director (and probably the best choir) that I ever had. This was the one day we sat down our sheet music and turned on the television. I was 13, almost 14. I hadn't moved to Ft. Worth yet- I lived by the military base Ft. Hood- one of the biggest in the country, and many of my classmates were children of military parents. Yes....I remember.

Ten years ago, on this date, I never would have predicted that America would be attacked. On this writing prompt, had I written it in English class, I probably would have written something like "I want to graduate high school (check) and college (barely check), get a job (not yet), move out of my house (kinda check- different house, but still live with parents)"...basic things.

Things come up in life that we don't expect, and it's hard to prepare for stuff like this. Disasters strike every day- earthquakes, fires (there was one eerily close to my small town recently), floods, tornadoes, attacks, you never know what will happen, or when it will happen. America never knew that on September 11, 2001, they would be the target of an attack. They never knew that ten years later, there would be a memorial of an attack that they never planned on having. If you had asked any American, it wouldn't have been in their itinerary. I certainly wouldn't have had it planned.

We don't plan for disaster- it just happens. It doesn't have to happen, but it does. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it does happen to some, and that's when others reach out. When September 11th happened, there was a burst of patriotism- songs were written, schools had assemblies, security was tightened, and Americans understood (for the most part). Flags came out and were more prominent. If you ask an American about September 11, you can be almost certain that they'll know what you're talking about- even the young ones that weren't around when it happened. It's in the history books, it's in stories, it's in lifelines, and people remember. People talk about it. People read about it.

Now, it's ten years later. Can you believe it's been ten years?

From Crayola to Completion and Beyond

Here in America, 'tis the season to dust off the old backpacks buy all new school supplies and head off to another year of school for the kiddos (and some older folk too, who often do recycle notebooks and other supplies).

For the Love of Blogs has posted a prompt-

Today's prompt: The beginning of a school year reminds me of....

Not all of us go to school, or have in years, or even have children that do, but I would bet at the beginning of a new school year we get thoughts or feelings that bring us back to the days we were there, good or bad.  Share those stories with us.  Let's go back a little, and reminisce.

Well, let's explore this concept, shall we?

The one thing that always strikes me at the beginning of the school year is the smell of fresh school supplies. Freshly sharpened pencils, unopened notebooks, the array of school supplies sitting unopened on a young student's desk, waiting to be used. Pencils lined up neatly in schoolboxes, knowing that they won't be that way for very long.

Image Credit

Crayola crayons, lined up neatly, with their flat tops all lined up neatly in rows (Crayola were my favorite- Rose Art just wouldn't do! My parents will vouch for my pickiness-and studies have shown that Crayola really are better). Picking out a backpack for the new year- and stuffing as much stuff as I had to inside of it. A different folder for every subject in different colors- I didn't need a binder for all my subjects, because I didn't have as much homework or information back then. Map pencils, new textbooks, and finding out who your teacher would be on "Meet the Teacher" night at school.

I remember the small desks with storage to the side, with a slot for your pencils and a lower bin that was larger, where you were supposed to place your books. The upper ledge was for your schoolbox. I remember being nervous on the first day of class, and always being the last person called on the role, as the vice of having a last name at the end of the alphabet.

Then I remember high school. My first high school was scary- I got lost during fish camp. The buses came, dropped us off, and we got our schedule. We learnt it quickly- that was the year of September 11. My new high school was different- I didn't know anyone at all. Transferring information was a heap of a mess. It wasn't even all completely worked out until the end of the year. By this time, there were no more crayolas or freshly sharpened pencils, but the smell of "new school supplies" still entered the classroom every year; there were more books, there was more studying.

Image Credit

Then school started earlier- first there was summer reading, then there was band camp. Marching in 100+ degree weather with colorguard equipment, mastering the rhythm of spinning a flag, matching the rhythm, and crossing a football field in a very short span of time. By the time school started, I had been registered and whatnot. I knew where I was going and what I was doing. Still, the "new school supply" smell was there when the first day of classes arrived, even though I had been at the school for a month by then.

Along came university, a whole new ball game. This time, classes never stopped. There was a constant flow of classes, never ebbing for a break. Sure, students took breaks, at their own pace. No matter the time of year, there was always class- Fall, Winter-mester (December), Spring, May-mester (May), Summer I, Summer II, Summer 11-Week, then back into Fall. Every fall, new students would show up- the pervasive smell of school supplies. And, of course, exorbitant fees to add to it. It became less shocking as time passed, and I knew a payment was about to be due. Your school supplies were a parking sticker, notebooks, pencils and/or pens, scantrons, and books; sometimes you needed a binder, and a computer and jump drive were always helpful. There was no list- just come prepared!

Image Credit

Even if you don't attend school, when I enter any retailer around back-to-school time, I will see a notebook, a pack of pens and/or pencils, and I will instantly see myself back in the classroom, a desk full of supplies in front of me, pencils sharpened, Crayolas in front of me, fresh notebooks waiting to be written in, markers, crayons, and map pencils still neatly arranged in their respective boxes (in color order, mind you). Highlighters, capped, ready for highlighting. Whispers, a green chalkboard (yes, they still used them!) with a chalk box squarely on the shelf, empty folders, and my new clean backpack.

This is my first year not going back to school. The first time ever...and it feels foreign. My mom works at a school, and she's gone back, and my sister is back at the high school. I've graduated college...and no reason to go back yet. I see people talking about it, and I've nothing to say. I feel dumbfounded. I have an urge to go buy school supplies. I have an urge to go to the bookstore. I have an urge to go to lectures and turn in assignments. I keep having to remind myself that I'm not at that place in my life anymore. It's different. It's refreshing, different, and sort of empty. I long for more back to school smells, chalkboards, crayolas, and uncomfortable desks.

Why? Because that's the way it's been for as long as I can remember. I don't remember any other way.

Things I know: Break it down

Time for Things I know!!!

I know a lot of things this week!! Most of them are...well, from the past day or two. The most eventful two days of the past couple weeks since I finished school. Pitiful, I know.

Things have been broken down this week.

We broke everything in my room down, and we took it out to the garage, so that we could get the carpet in.

• I know that it's not easy moving a lot of crap at once
• I know that it's not easy to decide what you want to keep and what you don't want to keep
• I know that I don't like to wake up in the morning to 2 guys on the front porch while I'm still in my pajamas, and find out that they're here to install carpet...uh, you were supposed to call my dad and let him know the carpet came in. Thanks for the warning!
• I know that I love my new carpet. 
• I know that I don't want my dad to paint my walls any other color than blue.

You could say my car broke down in Arlington today- or you could just say it "wouldn't start" because the battery decided to go dead after I ran my errands at the university and whatnot. 

• I now know that people in Arlington will ignore you when you have your hood up on your car
• I know that people in Arlington will even deny you help if you ask for a jump when you know that your battery is dead on your car and all you need is a jump
• I know that it sucks sitting and watching people drive by while waiting for someone to agree to jump your car when it's 110F outside (that's 43C...and taken in the shade, not including heat index, yo)
• I know that I don't want to depend on the battery in my car right now because of today's incidents
• I know that I now have all my things in order for graduation, and not to depend on anyone for anything in Arlington!!!
• I know that it's still not going to get much cooler in Texas for a while--see picture below

And the forecast usually gets hotter as the day gets closer. No comfort in that 103 or 101. 

And that is what I know....this week. Oh, and did I mention I love my new carpet? Ahhh....

Oh, and one more thing I know!! And this shocked me!! A pair of jeans that I couldn't wear last month...now fits me! I wore them all day today, looked at them at dinner, and noticed that my everyday fit-me jeans stain wasn't there. I was like...wait, what jeans am I wearing?? OH MY these jeans didn't fit me before I NEED A PICTURE!!!!

So I took a picture. And put it online. Of course!

I know tomorrow, I will be going to get my ring size, so I can order my university class ring. Yay!! Really? *faint*

OK, I think that's it. 

Huzzah!

Day 23: Empty Room Vlog

Day 23: Something you love to watch on youtube (or better yet a youtube video of yourself)

Maybe-a-bag-over-my-head-would-have-been-better-vlog.

Phase just-before-they-put-the-new-carpet-in. I look like a complete fool, I sound awful, and I need to shed some pounds. By the way, I don't have a Texan accent. I have lived in Texas for 17 years, almost 18, did you know that? I'm 23, almost 24. Amazing, isn't it? (I actually have no idea what accent I have, aside from American, really. Plain? Boring? Yeah, really.)

I'm typing this while I'm waiting for the video to upload from my Evo, which has a much better video quality than my webcam ever will.

I apologize for my amateur video skills, but my video ended up sideways, and I had to edit it to make it vertical. So it looks strange, but here it is. Voila!



It's amazing, I really don't say much in my vlogs, but they tend to have really good traffic. I guess people like to laugh at the way I talk? =/ OK it's a little embarrassing, after watching myself talk, and I hate it, but it's the way I talk! *sigh*

My sister has one of my favorite high school teachers. He asked her on the first day of school how I was doing, even though he didn't talk really to any of the other students, and didn't ask how she was. I love him. He's awesome. She was a little embarrassed I think. She came home and told us about it over dinner yesterday though, and laughed, so it must not have been too bad.

It's weird to watch everyone go back to school, while I'm not. It's my first semester to not go back to school. I've been busy with my room, and I need to find out what the next step to licensure is. Apparently, Google Chrome doesn't think licensure is a word, but it is. The video is only half loaded. Wow. Either I type fast or the video is downloading slowly. It could be both.

It's still heatwaving here in Texas. Like over 100 degrees Fahrenheit every day since the beginning of June or so. It's almost September. WTF Mother Nature, don't you love us? We're now #2 for the number of days above 100 degrees in a single summer, and #2 for consecutive days- would have been #1 had it not been for a single day where we got a few clouds, and only reached 97. Mother Nature teased us. Tortured us, with the thought that we'd get a nice day....WRONG. Then she laughed and gave us more hundred degree days. We're second in both categories to the year 1980. I wasn't born yet. *faint*

Pulling up the carpet has kicked up so much dust that it's bothering my eyes and making me sneeze. At least I didn't sneeze during my vlog. I would have re-recorded it though. That's how I roll. It took 3 times to get it to where I didn't have as much of a double chin. I still have one, but I guess if I have one, I have one. Blah.

I love talking to people on twitter. I'm learning so many new things. I must have a macaron. Does someone have a good recipe? Send it to me at perpetuallyashley (at) gmail (dot) com. See how I avoid spammers?

Anyone who has made it this far, hats off to ya. That means you actually read the content of a blog. Some people don't, and they are starting to wear me thin. You know, the ones that leave drive-by comments "Found you on XYZ hop, would love it if you visited my blog at [blogname]" and possibly follow you but never return? I feel cheated. If they do come back, I feel comforted, but the ones that just follow because that's what the rules say, I don't like that.

88%. Almost there. If you want to check them out, I have 2 other vlogs. They are quite a while back in my archive, but they are pretty popular too, so you may be able to find them at the bottom of my page, below all the blog hop buttons. Genius me, I forgot the screen is supposed to go across, not up and down. Murphy's Law! I have to enter that after publishing as a tag if I do, because it has an apostrophe in it. Gotta love Blogger.....

Huzzah!!

Day 17: Being Insecure

Day 17: Your biggest insecurity & something you are proud of

My biggest insecurity...oh boy. I have a lot of...skeletons in my closet...but don't look in there, because there are no real skeletons in there (but I do have a good sized closet...wanna go hide in there and see? Just kidding ;) lol)

To be honest, I've never been happy with myself at all, and heaven only knows why. When I say that I really don't like anything about myself, people come out with compliments about how I'm smart, witty, a good writer (ha, yeah right), friendly, they can really dish it out. I might accept it, at the moment, but I never really believe it, even when I get awards. Even a university degree can't convince me that I'm intelligent- look how many other people are getting one, they even have to spread graduation over a week in winter, so that they can accommodate everyone. Insecurities? I've got a closet full of them. My looks, my intelligence, when am I going to fall apart? When am I going to lose it? Am I thin enough? Am I strong enough? I could go on all day. I don't think I can pick a "biggest" insecurity, because I'm just a very insecure person, and can always remember being insecure about something.

One thing that I'm proud of, though, is being able to work through those insecurities, though, and show that despite the fact that I am insecure, I can hold myself together and do a good job. I may not be the most confident person, but I can portray complete confidence, and do the job of a person who has the confidence that I don't. I can make it through, I can see my weaknesses, and work through them. I know what I need to do, when I need to do it, and how. It's being able to see those weaknesses and insecurities and working around them that has gotten me where I am, and for that, I am ever so grateful. Even that, I am insecure about, but I know that I do it. I can even use it as a learning experience to help other people who are insecure about themselves, to help them see that even though they have insecurities, they can still be successful and make it in life.

Huzzah!

Lack of Structure

I'm feeling a little unsettled right now, even though I don't have a whole lot going on in my life...and that's probably a good portion of the reason why.

For so much of my life, I've always had something going on...whether it was school, or a job, or an extracurricular activity, it seems there was almost always something to do, and now that I'm grasping for straws, without a license and grades yet to be released, I feel sort of in a panic.

How do people who don't have something structuring their life day to day handle it? I mean, even moms have something to structure their lives around (children), but I don't have that. I have nothing to structure my life around.

The few potential I-might-apply-for-this-job places that I've found have had so many qualifications and I've lacked one, and I've been so terrified they'd throw me out because I lack that one thing that I haven't moved yet. I don't have the final grades. I don't have the license. I don't have anyone or anything to structure myself around, and I'm not used to that.

Thus, I have not much to write about. My blog is starting to lack content due to the lack of stimulation, structure, and activity. I thought it might be relaxing, but it's not at all relaxing...on the contrary, it's stressful, and it makes me want to hide in bed all day (which doesn't help the situation).

Wordless Wednesday

Is never completely wordless...

On TV, sock monkey can drive. I made my dad rewind the DVR so I could take pictures of sock monkey driving. Surfing too.

This is not from TV, or sock monkey's car, this is a reading from a vehicle in Texas. A sign that we need winter (or something other than summer)...for those reading Celsius, that's 49.4C. No joke.

Day before my final final (which I rocked- 95%!! I got an A in psychology...HUZZAH!)...Above my shoulder, the shelf that recently attacked me.

Picture from yesteryear. Graduation 2005 (High school)

Inspiration

Beautiful Butterfly I have hanging on my wall. Originally an ornament, but bigger than my mini-tree.

This is how I got through to where I am today. Perseverance...and there certainly is a lot of glory in overcoming great obstacles. You better believe it.

On the Market

So, now that my university life is essentially complete, but grades are not officially out, my degree is not official, and I don't have a license yet, what am I to do? Well, since the answer is not to lie around the house....I have no clue.

I know that I need to study for my licensing exam, that is a must. In addition, I'd like to do some volunteering that is actually related to my field, but, that doesn't really do anything as far as $$$ is concerned, but it does cost me $$$ as far as travel and whatnot, and isn't required, so it's kind of...not considered the best idea right now.

So what do I do? Well, I've been told to get a job. An unrelated job. Just to "get myself on my feet." I don't know about this idea. Honestly, fresh out of college, what place is going to want to hire me for something completely unrelated to my degree? I'm not sure. Plus, when it comes to the "Why do you want to work here?" part of the interview...if I get that far...how do I respond? I don't know if they're oversimplifying my situation...or if I'm overcomplicating it.

So what does one do when they're in this space between graduation and a license? Actually, what does one do when they're not in school and don't have a job? I've not really been in this situation before, so it's a little confusing for me. Unexplored territory. I don't know if I should apply for entry-level jobs to fill the gap, or if I should apply for other jobs that may or may not ask for licensure, or if I should volunteer, or what I should do. I feel pressured to do something now, but I don't know what.

And the working world isn't what it used to be. You don't go out and fill out applications. You don't walk into a place and ask if they're hiring. You go to their website and fill out the employment application online. If you walk into a place and ask if they're hiring, they'll just redirect you to the website. Even if you ask to speak to HR, they'll redirect you to the website. Very, very few places actually have paper applications anymore, and even fewer actually have people available on site that will talk to you. Even if you ask for them by name, typically they're "in a meeting" or "off site" or "busy" and "will call you later" if you ask to speak to them and they allow you to leave a number. It's so hard to get anything face to face... Even since I first started working my first job, things have changed a lot, and that wasn't really that long ago.

I just....feel lost. I'm in a place of uncertainty, I haven't completely gotten my degree yet until grades have been finalized and whatnot and debts have been fulfilled, I don't have my license, no leads on any social work jobs, no networking, and since so many things are becoming less face-to-face, it's really difficult to get out there and get started. They certainly don't make this easy...

Day 13: Eye Opening

Day 13: Something or someone that has had a huge impact on my life

Without a doubt, that something would be an entity, a group of people I suppose, or I guess you could just say the profession, social work.

For a long time, I didn't know what I was doing. When I started college, and for a long time before, I had no idea where I was going with my life. I had a lot of troubles, which I really won't go into, and I kind of floated around trying to find my place. It didn't really work all that well for me, and I didn't ever find anything that really suited me that well. I wasn't happy with it, and, truth be told, a lot of things leading up to my "epiphany," if you will, probably made things worse.

In late 2006, I decided I was going to go the psychology route at the university, since that had been one of my favorite freshman classes. I had already taken a lot of the prerequisite courses, but in order to take higher level courses as a psychology major, I had to take a Research, Design, and Statistics course, part one and two. I took the first part, and kicked ass in the course, but my other courses suffered.

During the second part, in early 2007, I started having a lot of problems, and my grade reflected that. I had a (unavoidable) stint away from classes, which forced a lot of my grades down, including Research, Design, and Stats II. I never really liked the stats part anyway, but I was doing it because psychology was what I wanted.

After a rough semester, I pretty much stumbled my way to failure, and, when it all came to a close, we had to do some work to get things set straight. When I went to the academic advisor about the fall term, we had a talk about what went right and wrong, and I told her about what I liked and what I didn't. She then advised me, surprisingly, to go to the social work advisor and see if I liked the course of study there. They did a referral...what? I didn't know. I was stunned.

I did it. I took the intro course that fall, and I was stoked. I made my first A in a very long time. Things started to pick up for me. I felt a little better. I took more courses, and continued to make As in them. Not only was it giving me a higher GPA, which I so desperately needed, but it was boosting my self esteem, because I found something I was actually capable of doing well, learning, and succeeding, as well as something that would end up being my major.

I learned a lot of things about myself through social work, and a lot about coping skills, and through learning how to help other people, I also learned things I could do to help myself! *not a part of the degree plan, but definitely a positive side effect*

In the fall of 2009, I officially sent in the letter of application to declare a major in social work, and was accepted! For someone who, not too long before, had no idea where they were going, this was a huge step. Not only that, but I was making huge life changes. My attitude and functioning overall were drastically changed. People who take a look at my transcript, they can tell you that there's a major difference in my grades, a major transformation and improvement.

I look at the world differently. I look at myself differently. I have better coping, studying, self-awareness, communication, presentation, writing, and many other skills. Had it not been for social work, and that psychology advisor that told me I should check it out, I may not be finished with school yet. I may have still been fishing around. I may not have the knowledge and skills I've acquired by default from the classes I've taken. Self-regulation would be different. My attitude and communication would be different. I might not feel as capable because I wouldn't have the degree. I wouldn't have had the experience that my internship gave me, including the harsh lessons that I eventually learned...although harsh, they were, nevertheless, lessons learned.

Social work, as a whole, has had such a huge effect on my life that I just can't emphasize it enough. Even though I don't have a job, it does teach a lot of skills that can be applied anywhere, skills that you might not learn other places. The degree and the field is so versatile and has so many applications, and the scope of study so wide, that you learn so much. I love it. I hated some of the classes (note: very few, mostly those dealing with research and statistics...actually, just research and statistics), but in them, I learned a lot more than I thought I could.

Now, it will be a part of the rest of my life, as I wait for my license and a job. I want to go to grad school, too, for my masters' degree. In 2007, I never would have seen myself in graduate school. Now it's just something that I'm waiting for funds in order to achieve it. My job? It will be in social work. Yes, social work is a major part of my life.

So, has it had a huge impact on my life? Absolutely, and it will continue to do so. Thank you, social work, for showing me so many things I never knew, and for leading me through university and to a career that I'll enjoy.

Things I Know- Transition Edition

As many of you probably already know, and have been hearing about for months on end, I finished the last of my courses today. Of course, the world has a lovely way of flipping me the bird on really important days, and laughing at me by coming up with the worst possible punishments, making me stress out more than I probably should, and it seems like everything goes wrong, but in the end, things somehow turn out, for the most part, OK. Today did. Thankfully. I don't know my grades yet, but I've finished everything. So, for the future, these are the things I know that I'll be using....

I know I (now) have a college education, but that doesn't mean I know everything

I know that I can finish things

I know that I have the capability to do what I want, if I put my mind to it

I know that, in three months, I might have my license

I know that all things take time

I know that I've got a long road ahead of me

I know that life won't be easy just because I have a piece of paper

I know that I still will have to work for things, they won't be handed to me

I know I still have responsibilities, even in the down time when I don't have a job or license

I know that I'll eventually have a job, but it may not be the exact one I want

I know that not all things in life are easily obtained (i.e. degrees)

I know that I will have to continue to learn and gain insight (well, that and I would have to in order to keep a license if I get one, anyway)

I know that I love social work

I know I kind of wrote it last minute, but I had a lot to do in prep for finals and writing a paper, so I hope that kind of waives my writing in advance duties. I did write other stuff though...so maybe I should have included this? No, I think this is better that I did it after instead of before. I like that I'm doing it now. After the fact.

Thanks for tuning in for "Things I know- Transition Edition"

Next week, I will probably be dying from boredom, anhedonia, and a week of résume writing, checking, application writing, job hunting, etc. I may be a bit cynical. =/

Day 10: Time Machine

Day 10: A Photo Taken Over 10 Years Ago of You & A Current One
Today, we will look at me over time. There will be pictures. I don't have excerpts of my writing, so it'll just be pictures, and some commentary.

This row- approximately 10 years ago. I don't look much different, really. Except the horrible glasses. Yes, my hair length dramatically changes- I cut it every 4 years or so and donate it so they can make wigs with real hair for people who don't have hair, i.e. cancer/chemotherapy patients, people with alopecia. I donate to Locks of Love.

Just a bit over 10 years ago...ok, maybe more like 20 years ago; I was cuter then, and wanted to share. Because, you know, I was cuter. Much cuter!! Aww...

A few more random pictures, more than 10 years old. Just because.

Ok, enough of the old pictures, time for more recent stuff!

2007- I was really thin then!!

2009- I decided to dye my hair darker...and I'm more than a little chubbier

I couldn't get Blogger to cooperate, so 2005 is after 2009. This is a pic from the day before my high school graduation. Now I'm finishing college. Refreshing. I don't have all the cords this time though...Yes, I also cut all my hair off again. Second time. Note how long it is again in 2009 (above) though.

2010- My "I-just-chopped-all-my-hair-off-again" image...I'm pasty white because it was April and I hadn't had any sun. I'm now preparing for my 4th donation, if you notice how much longer my hair is below (after just one year)...

Finally, my most recent picture. Since this is a scheduled post, allowing me to study for my final psychology exam, I actually took and added this photo the day before my last day of university, 10th August, 2011 (Which is actually Day 9, but this blog will post on Day 10). It is my "most recent" photo. Have I mentioned I love reading?

It's kind of funny, though, that in the past 10 years, my face hasn't aged much. Actually, not funny, more annoying...I still get carded to go to rated R movies, and I'm almost 24. Sure, I've gained and lost and gained weight over time, but I haven'r really gotten to where I look much older...the stress really hasn't made me look older yet. I guess that's a good thing, right? I mean, if stress made me look older, I'd look like I was 50 by now...plus the sun...it's amazing I still look fairly young.

Most of my pictures, I know the approximate date by: a) the folder they are in; b) the hair length; c) the shape/color of the glasses/lack thereof; d) the relative chubbiness of my face; e) background cues (i.e. decorations in my room, clothing, location of photo). Otherwise, I can't really tell you. Just a guess. I know one of them is a yearbook photo...the one with the date on the photo is obvious...and now the digital ones put themselves in folders by date. Before 2009, I don't have that.

So there are a lot of photos of me. Ta-da. Now that I've plastered my face all over a blog, I can go try to find my self-esteem...and tell it that I'll be ok, because I chose some of the better photos...really. Except for those glasses...how did I ever make it through school with those glasses...why did I choose those?? I make much better choices now...and I don't wear them in pictures! Ta!