Grateful For Corky

I know you hate when I call you that, if you're reading this.

Corky (Courtney) is my sister. She turned 16 this past Saturday, the 22nd. I'm grateful for my sister this week; I should say, this month, as this is the only "grateful" post of the month.

Rewind to 1995. My mom found out she was pregnant, but she kept the gender secret from both my brother and I. Both of us secretly yearned for a younger sibling of our gender- I a sister, he a brother. I got my wish. As much as I pick at her and tease her, I love her. I wouldn't trade her for anything.

A mother and her daughters- me (left), Courtney (baby), and mom (right)

She was born late in the evening on October 22nd. I was so happy to have a younger sister, even though I had to share a room with her. I was almost 8 years old, and a beaming older sister- I finally had the sister I wanted! I remember playing with dolls in the crib area before the crib was moved in, as it was a big space. I don't think I realized what big change was coming in my life.

Watching her grow has been an adventure. It's a little bit different with such an age gap between us. i got to watch her kindergarten graduation as a high school student, so I remember it. I got to bury her in the sand at Cocoa Beach, Florida, although she doesn't remember that. I remember teaching her how to swing on the old swingset in the backyard when she was younger, and helping teach her how to swim. Helping her with her homework has been a challenge at times, but it's something I enjoy because I get to spend time with her.

I remember when we moved, and finally got our own bedrooms, how empty it felt to finally have my own room, even though it was great to finally have my own space. I remember helping at her school when she was in elementary, during her field days, when her classmates adored me, and I'd get random hugs in the hallways at the school.

I remember sitting next to her in her carseat, either getting yelled at for tickling her, or stroking her hair behind her ears whilst she was sleeping. I remember the nights where she would crawl into my bed and sleep next to me, or my childhood friend, if she was over for the night. I sometimes secretly wished that those days had lasted longer, but they didn't. She kept growing, that's what kids tend to do. I'm in envy, though, that she kept those beautiful, entrancing baby blues. She's the only one in the family who got them.

Corky created this one herself- creative!

She's in high school now, but it's been wonderful watching her grow up- from an older sister's perspective. I got to watch on as she grew, although we never gained the same bond as we may have had we been closer in age. Perhaps when we're older we'll be closer, but for now, I'm still watching her grow. Now it's time to watch her get her license.

She's a clarinet in the marching band, and is quite opposite of the type of person I was in high school. I was very school oriented, always wanting to do more, because it was never enough. I didn't take a whole lot of time having a social life. Corky is a social butterfly, with a growing list of friends, half of whom I can't even name! One of the teachers we both have/had says that the two of us are like night and day, and our brother, who is in between the two of us, is...well, in between.

She rocks that clarinet well!

I admire her outgoing personality, her looks, her ability to stand up for herself, her creativity, and her in general. I love her for who she is. She may not be the most academic person in the world, but she's just who she is, my younger sister, a beautiful, wonderful, quirky, outgoing free spirit who is growing up so quickly. Oh, and she's helping me cheer for the Rangers :) so that's good too.

I am grateful for my younger sister. I'm grateful to have watched her grow through her life, from a baby, to a young child, to a teenager so far. I'm grateful for the time I've gotten to spend with her, and the things I've gotten to see her do and achieve.

It's a little late to say Happy Birthday, but alas, I'm saying it. Happy Birthday, Corky, and I love you. I know we pick on you and tease you a lot- like calling your penguin hat the "angry bird" hat- I won't post the picture- that's because we love you ;) all out of love. Even if you don't acknowledge it, I just wish that someday you'd realize how grateful I am to have you in my life.

I love you, little sis. 

Locked Out

It was my junior year of college, and I was in the midst of taking several Social Work classes, one of them being an afternoon class. If you prod me as to which one, I will never remember...but it was a required one, I do remember that much...actually, all of them are required, so that's a moot point.

I attended my noon class as normal, and then I sat the break waiting for my 7pm Spanish class to begin. The class was a 2 hour class, and was held twice a week, as was my noon class, so I had a five hour break- enough to drop in and buy a snack for dinner and perhaps study some vocab on the way to the building which was quite a distance away. It had horrible parking, so I usually walked, then walked back to my car after class, seeing as the walking distance had multiple emergency boxes and was well-lit.

Because I didn't drive my car between my noon and 7pm classes, it didn't dawn upon me to reach in my purse and check for my keys before I left the building. Big mistake.

When I was leaving my 7pm class- at nearly 9pm, in the winter, so it was dark out- I reached in my purse for my keys. Not there. Ohhh shit. Maybe I clipped them to my bag? I have a carabiner clip, so this is entirely possible. I check my bag, but my keys are not there. I dump out the entire contents of my purse on my car. Surely, there must be a set of keys in there somewhere. I dig through it all. Nothing.

I shove everything back in my purse, throw my purse over my shoulder, and unarm my backpack. I search through the small front pocket. No such luck. A few pens and a few stray items like a bottle of lotion, some ibuprofen, a highlighter, some notecards. Great. I can't find my keys. I'm locked out of my car. It's dark out, I'm in a parking lot, at the university, people are leaving, I'm 35 miles from home, and I'm locked out of my car.

I empty the large compartment of my backpack. I find books and a notebook. A stray package of crackers. More notecards. A very crumpled piece of paper. No keys. Great. I decide to backtrack, back to the building where I was last- maybe I dropped them there. (Not thinking to maybe check the Social Work building, where I was parked, first)

I call my mom and tell her I'm locked out of my car in Arlington, and that I am backtracking to see if I can find them. She says she's on her way, very unhappily I might add, since she's driving 70 miles to drop off a set of keys, and I take off for Preston Hall basement, the location of my Spanish class.

Freezing, I make my way into the building, and nobody is there but the cleaning crew. They let me in after trying to communicate for about 5 minutes about what it is I'm trying to find, but nothing is there. I bid farewell, and back to the Social Work Complex I go. My mom hasn't arrived yet, so I trek to my 10am class- no luck there (surprisingly, the door was unlocked). I ran upstairs to my noon class- ah, it was Practice III- but the doors are locked, so I find a cleaning crew lady, and she lets me in, but no luck.

Finally my mom arrives, with my keys, and I drive home, racking my brains trying to figure out where the heck I left my keys. It had to be Social Work, because I remembered having them in the morning, but I didn't remember seeing them in Spanish class. I was very frustrated with this, so I drove the 35 miles the next day (why didn't I call?) to ask if they had any keys turned into the office the day before (at both buildings).

Voilá. My keys had been in the Social Work building, in the office, the whole time.

I was locked out of my car and my keys were right there, within feet of where I was. I felt really smart idiotic that day. Now I almost compulsively check for my keys. We live and we learn!

Books over toys

Day 7: Your favorite childhood toys

I honestly don't remember having any favorite toys. I remember having barbies, but they were always put away. I remember having Polly Pockets, but they were always in my bottom desk drawer. My favorite toys were books. I loved my books. Dictionaries, encyclopedias, fiction, anything I could get my hands on.

Yes, I was a very strange child indeed.

I still am very strange. Half my moving out and moving back in when we were recarpeting involved books. I had more books than anything else. I was too ashamed to count how many boxes of books I actually had. Not to mention binders and notebooks...

I write. I read. I love words. I can't remember a time when this wasn't true. I knew how to spell hippopotamus in kindergarten. I was exempt from a spelling test in 4th grade because I was the only person in the class to spell chlorophyll correctly. I took pride in spelling acetylsalicylic acid correctly in the 6th grade, antidisestablishmentarianism in the 5th. In high school, I almost made it to state, but rendezvous kicked my butt, although I got flibbertigibbet, among other words (we didn't get those back). I've taken pride in learning hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia and pneunonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

I continue to search. My bookshelf hasn't stopped growing. My love for books hasn't, either. Even when college textbooks were abound, there was always an astray fiction book...I couldn't let go.

In that way, I'm still a child. I still play with my toys. In a way, I'm becoming more of a child, because I love stuffed animals so much more now. I'm attached to my sock monkey- he's even been featured here a few times. As for actual toys...I still haven't come up with any really. Are rollerblades toys? I went rollerblading when I was a tween, with my friend. I'd never go back there, though. Or maybe we could consider my laptop a toy.

OK, I'm sounding way too geeky now.

Deuces!!

Wordless Wednesday- Artsy

This week, for Not-so-wordy Wednesday, I decided to get a little artsy, and show some of the artwork that I did when I was younger (middle/high school); by no means is this an exhaustive list, just the ones I felt confident enough to share (tagged- self-esteem). I just wish I could still be this artistic!! I also added a picture of me in the bluebonnets...just because Texas didn't get many this year, they're my favorite flower, and I miss them.

I did about a billion of these, I only took a picture of this one.

I did this in my spare time in art class because I finished the below project early

This one almost won an art contest in high school...no joke!

For some reason, I get a lot of comments on this one....

I wished I had taken this one to contest instead...I actually like it better...

This is a completely random one I did in my spare time when we first moved here

This one was a requirement for class

This one I did because I wanted a black & white version of the one I did in class.

I absolutely love bluebonnets. It's a shame we only get them ~1 month out of the year. Circa April 2010

Two Hundredth Post

Two Hundred Amazing Things

For my two hundredth post, I've decided I'm going to
1. Write about one hundred amazing things I appreciate- monumental or not. Some of them may be geeky or silly, others are extremely monumental. Some may be related to each other, others may be out there.
2. Write 25 things about me, some of them you may know, some of them you may not
3. Write about 25 things I want to happen in the future (big or small)
4. Write about 25 things I've done this month
5. Write about 25 things I want to happen this month (or will make myself do)

I'm flying by the seat of my pants here, but let's get started.

100 Things I appreciate
1. I graduated from college
2. I got my college class ring/ will be receiving at the end of the month
3. I got a pillowtop mattress (OMG it's so amazing...)
4. I've almost reached 150k miles on my car
5. I'm starting to get my sleep closer to a regular schedule

6. Internet on a phone. Need I say more?
7. Foursquare Awards. I don't know why they feel great, but they do.
8. Klout. I haz it. It's amazing.
9. One of my high school teachers still keeps up with me.
10. I'll be seeing this high school teacher on Friday, and he's going to help me with job interview stuff

11. Walking across the stage...I'll be doing it again in December.
12. It was amazingly cool today. We got a break from the heat of summer!!
13. I've made some really awesome friends through blogging!
14. My brother is getting married
15. My sister is in high school

16. I've come so far with my blog & blogging
17. I've learnt so much about the internet in my ventures
18. I've lost a little weight
19. Waking up on the mornings I don't have headaches.
20. Winning at video games

21. Winning at Sudoku (how can you lose at Sudoku, anyway?)
22. Going home after a really, really long day
23. The feeling you get after I've done something that helps someone
24. A solid high-five
25. Being able to french braid my hair without looking in the mirror (seriously!)

26. Finding an old cassette tape my best friend gave me in middle school and remembering how Corky taped over part of it, and how mad I was at the time, and how I now have the whole mP3 file, and all the needless yelling I did at the time (memories made :) how sweet)
27. Remembering the one time that Texas had a White Christmas and record-breaking snowfall in February.
28. Finding something I had lost all hope on finding
29. Perfect length nails that won't break (thank you genetics!!)
30. Getting new colorful socks without asking for them

31. Saying something just before the radio or TV says it
32. The smell of freshly cleaned sheets
33. The perfect gift that I decided not to ask for because I didn't think I'd get it...and you got it anyway!
34. Realizing the cop going down the road isn't going after you (sometimes they make you paranoid...)
35. Eating cookie dough, brownie batter, or cake batter, even though the packages all say not to

36. Catching gas prices just before they go up
37. Swimming pools on a hot summer day (really, it's amazing)
38. Reading a book I love, even if I've already read it a million times
39. Snuggling under my blanket with my sock monkey
40. Going through some of my old things and remembering the events that went with them...nostalgia!

41. The scent of Vicks
42. Seeing an envelope for me in the mail...unless it's a credit card offer.
43. My medal board
44. Painting things, and writing things, and drawing things
45. My pillows, all of them, and the fact that they matched my comforter when I didn't plan that

46. Getting a lot of points on Words with Friends when I wasn't planning a word that would get a lot of points
47. Knowing something that I didn't think I knew
48. Laughing so hard that I can't even hear a sound
49. Going all the way through growing-small-town without hitting a red light (this almost never happens)
50. Singing very loudly in my car on the freeway, and having someone look at me like I'm nuts, which just inspires me to sing more loudly

51. Finally getting that huge knot out of my hair...granted, I probably ripped the hair out in the process...but it's a huge victory getting that knot out!! You have no idea!!
52. Finding my favorite TV shows just as they're coming on, or better yet, coming home and finding out my dad has them all on the DVR and turns them on during dinner for me.
53. Taking the perfect picture at the perfect time
54. Plugging in my phone or computer just before it dies
55. Reaching a landmark (post 100, post 200, blogoversary, 100 followers, etc.)

56. Finding that nice, empty, comfortable space in traffic, where I'm not being tailgated, and I don't have to tailgate the person in front of me to prevent being tailgated
57. Ordering food special so that I know it's fresh when the person serves it to me
58. Two words: Batteries included.
59. Riding my bike really fast down a steep hill (given that I don't have to ride my bike up the hill to get there, or back up the hill later...lol)
60. Roller coasters...especially when the lights come on at night! It's really awesome...And when the wind is blowing? Ahh. It was really great when my hair was long and I'd take it down on the coaster and the person behind me would get a face full of hair...I mean...oops. I would never do that. I'm too nice. *whistle*

61. The appearance of everything underwater...how everything is all distorted and funky looking
62. Making it out of somewhere just before all the crowds amass...I really don't like crowds, so knowing that I made it out before the crowds is really comforting.
63. That shocked face people make when they see how fast I can type, and then when they ask me how fast I type and I *honestly and sincerely* tell them I don't know...because I honestly and sincerely don't. But it's pretty fast.
64. Seeing someone drive by me really fast on the highway, telling them "go get those cops"....and seeing them pulled over 2 miles later.
65. A clean room (not that I've seen one in a while *sigh*)

66. Taking my hair down at the end of the day and just brushing it
67. Doing math with the numbers in the time...like 12:36 (12 x 3 = 36....I overthink things, I know)
68. Knowing where everything is when I go somewhere, while other people are searching and looking lost...so I can get in and out, while others are still looking for someone to help them....
69. Putting a spam account on certain things where I know I'll be getting spam emails and never checking the spam account because I know I don't want to check the spam...
70. Seeing someone I haven't seen in a long time unexpectedly and catching up with them

71. Learning a new keyboard shortcut (it seems I learn new ones almost every day, but I can never remember them on command, just when I need them)
72. Holding and playing with my baby cousin...she's so cute!! I love babies, I just don't think I'm prepared for one of my own....or ever will be.
73. Being the weird one that keeps my food separate- I may be different, but it makes for...if not interesting, at least *some* dinner conversation.
74. When the dog comes and visits me in my room, which he hardly ever does (which is what makes it so special)
75. Having the whole morning to stretch and wake up, and not having to worry about being somewhere at a certain time (although having something to do with my life would be nice)

76. Having a meaning to life, rather than just waking up every day to the monotony that is after-college jobless without-a-license whatever I'm in right now (I once had it...so I can add it to this list)
77. I found the license plate that was pressed right after mine- identical except it ends in 072, mine ends in 071. Yesssss I paid attention enough to notice that...I'm weird like that.
78. Perfectly. Parallel. Parking. So perfect that I took pictures. My dad claims I photoshopped them, but I didn't, I actually did the perfect parallel park, and I've never done it before. Ever. I take that back, I tried once, but it was an epic fail, making this much more of an EPIC WIN.
79. Being late, but realizing I'm actually the first one there, so nobody will know that I'm late anyway, bahaha
80. Taking shoes off without untying them. Who unties their shoes anymore? Didn't think so...

81. Other accents than my own. Admittedly, my own accent sucks. Australian accents are my favorite.
82. Blog hops...wait, let me finish...that are communicative, and on blogs that actually type something up other than giveaways or coupons. I mean, I really dislike the necessary follow on a blog that only does giveaways and coupons, and the giveaways are on stuff I don't need (Diapers? Childrens clothing? No thank you). I still participate in hopes of finding other blogs I do like, because there are some out there that also participate in these hops. I visit the linkys, and I leave more than a "HI, I'm Ashley, visit my website and follow back!"...ok, I must move on.
83. Good comments. They make me melt. I've had some make me cry in public. One at the dentist.
84. Sock monkey. I love my sock monkey.
85. My little sister. I love my little sister so much, and I don't think she realizes how much. I don't think she ever will, no matter how much I say it.

86. Being able to breathe through my nose (it's really amazing when I haven't been able to breathe through my nose for a while)
87. Typing by lamplight (it's much more epic than typing by regular light)
88. Boxes. I don't know what it is about boxes, but I love boxes.
89. Putting stickers on things. I love putting stickers on things, and tape too. Duct tape especially, it's my favorite.
90. Making things of your own...being creative. Artsy. I'm not real artsy, but I love creating my own things.

91. QT drinks. One who has not been to QT can not understand the epic greatness of QT and their fountain drinks, especially when you mix and create your own great flavors like I have (blue raspberry vanilla Diet Pepsi anyone? It sounds disgusting, but it actually tastes great)
92. Mousse. It's so puffy and fluffy and doesn't make my hair sticky and gross like hairspray, and doesn't make it as stiff as gel does.
93. Being almost done with something
94. Having more than one idea in the same night
95. Figuring something out that I haven't been able to figure out for a while

96. Planning posts
97. Having a ton of tabs open and being able to keep track of all of them & knowing that I'm using them all (none of them are going to waste!)
98. Having the nerve to call people out on something when they need to be called out on, and being able to do it without being nervous or upset
99. Knowing that even though I had a lot of obstacles, I was able to accomplish more than I ever thought I would accomplish because I persevered, even when I was told I would fail, even when I went through some really rough times and had everything standing against me.
100. Having my whole future ahead of me, and not knowing what it holds, because it could hold anything for me, which means it could be something great

25 Things About Me
1. I'm a freak of nature- I was born without tonsils. Then again, I'm thankful, because I never have to have a tonsillectomy. =)
2. Everyone else believes in me more than I do. A rock believes in me more than I do. That's how much I believe in myself. Nevertheless, I carry on as though I believe in myself.
3. I actually liked my job at Big Circle Box Retailer. I didn't love it, but I liked it enough that I would go back if given the opportunity and I had nowhere else to go. I've applied to go back.
4. I don't really like lollipops or hard candy that much, except blueberry dum-dum pops.
5. I've never been kissed...willingly. Unwillingly, yes; willingly, no.

6. I hate seafood, but I love Red Lobster.
7. I sleep with my sock monkey every night. It's probably the only thing I'll ever sleep with.
8. I have an obsession with the color blue.
9. I didn't really want to go to UTA. I wanted to go to Baylor. I was accepted at Baylor. I had a scholarship at Baylor, but I still couldn't afford it. UTA was my second choice. I only went there because we didn't have the money for me to move out.
10. I liked Killeen, until we moved away. When I went back, I didn't like it. I still don't like where I live now. This leaves me with inner conflict because I don't know where I like.

11. It's medication that made me gain all my weight.
12. I do guest blogs but I don't post them on my blog.
13. I like that I can still wear children's sized shoes, because they're much cheaper usually
14. I have a board full of medals that I will one day share- here's an idea of what's on there-

• Class of 2005 Salutatorian
• 2005 UIL State Social Studies Team Champions
• 2005 UIL Regional Spelling Team Runners-Up
• 2005 UIL Regional Spelling Individual 5th Place
• 2005 UIL Regional Social Studies Team Champions
• 2005 UIL District Social Studies Team Champions
• 2005 UIL District Spelling Team Champions
• 2005 UIL District Spelling Individual 3rd Place
• 2005 UIL Choir Solo/Ensemble Division I Solo- District
• 2005 UIL Choir Solo/Ensemble Division II Solo- State
• 2004 North Texas Colorguard Association State Champions Division AA
• Academic Medals awarded by teacher for AP Calculus, Pre-AP Spanish II, Pre-AP World History, AP Chemistry
• Texas Scholar- i.e. I graduated. Seems dim after the others....

15. 2005 was a really good year for me (see statement 14) and I spent most of the months of April and May away from home, which was refreshing. 

16. I love Chicken Soup for the Soul books. I don't know why. I even love the stories in the ones not relevant to me. For example, Chicken Soup for the Working Mother. Completely not for me, but I'd probably love it. 

17. I have a strange fascination with numbers and facts, and often get called names for it...such as Wikipedia or Webster. 

18. I literally stapled my finger today. Stapled the staple directly into my finger. Not thinking, pulled it directly out. I hope nothing is wrong.

19. I duct taped a box purple tonight. No lie. Purple from top to bottom. Using my time wisely. 

20. I talked to someone about getting a job at a place I discovered was hiring. They told me I was overqualified and needed to find something that more suited my needs and degree. >.>

21. I was in colorguard for 2 years, co-captain for 1 year, yet I can't even spin a rifle now. I can do drop spins with a flag, and that's about it.

22. I'm addicted to Cherry 7Up, and I don't know why. At least it's caffeine free, so I can drink it at night too.

23. I don't get along very well with my parents. 

24. I'm not registered to vote. In a county like mine, if I'm not gonna vote Republican, there's no point in registering. I can shout any other party until the cows come home, but the GOP will still win in this city/county/etc. My voice means nothing here. So why register? To spend my time at the voting booths casting a vote that will be one of the few non-Republican? I'm not a Dem, but I'm not a GOP either. Face it, there's no point in an area that's so strongly GOP. 

25. I love denim. Denim jackets, denim skirts (this may be the one way to get me to wear a skirt), denim tops, denim vests, denim shorts, denim pants, I love denim.

25 Things I want to happen in the future

1. I want to get my license (of course!)

2. I want someone to love me for who I am

3. I want someone to finally believe that this is not something that I created myself, that what I'm saying is real.

4. I want my expenses taken care of

5. I want to live comfortably- but not necessarily in luxury

6. I want to see my sister get married

7. I want my sister to go to college and be successful in a career

8. I want to get my own place, somewhere near the city, but not in the city

9. I want the stuff that's been plaguing my life and negatively impacting me to go away (if you know me, you know what I mean by this)

10. I want to be self-sufficient

11. I want people to care about what I have to say

12. I want to see my brother be successful in a career/graduate from college

13. I want to narrow my stuff down to the things I really need, instead of everything I think I'm emotionally attached to

14. I want to go to graduate school

15. I want to find a way to set up or participate in the kind of business that I've been thinking about, with the hours and whatnot, because I know what life can be like for certain populations, and there are certain things I want to address

16. I want to visit Australia

17. I want to meet all my bloggy and Twitter friends, and explore more of the world

18. I want to do a lot of things, without worrying what my parents might think (including writing stuff like this)

19. I want to learn German and become fluent in the language.

20. I want to make an entire blog of awesome and inspiring quotes that are compiled from other places

21. I want to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day, rather than dreading it

22. I want to have a purpose

23. I want to have a social life, outside of the computer, and yes, I know that requires going out---and

24. I want to feel more comfortable going out, but most importantly:

25. I want to help as many people as I can to reach their full potential, because I know there is plenty opportunity out there, I just have to find it.

25 Things I've Done This Month

I had to challenge myself with this one....

1. I moved all the stuff out of my room so that the floor guys could recarpet

2. I moved all the stuff back into my room after the carpet was installed

3. I visited with my brother some on a few of his lunch breaks from work, when he came to the house to eat

4. I finished my undergraduate degree

5. I aced my final paper and my psychology final

6. I wrapped up all my appointments at the university and settled all my debts

7. I picked up medications at the pharmacy

8. I taped a shoebox purple

9. I stapled a finger

10. I went to a high school football game--the home team...EPIC FAIL

11. I had a shelf fall on my arm and I had a bruise for a bit

12. I had my blogoversary and wrote a blog/came up with a blog hop in celebration of my blogoversary

13. I went swimming

14. I talked on twitter....a lot

15. I created my facebook page and acquired a lot of fans

16. I participated in a 30 day challenge

17. I slept in...a lot. 

18. I stayed in bed a few days when feeling under the weather, because when I stood up or sat up, I felt dizzy.

19. I found my salutatorian speech from high school...and thought about posting it here...but decided against it.

20. I rearranged my room

21. I visited with a former teacher of mine, who also happens to be my sister's current teacher...poor Corky

22. I traumatized the dog by calling him onto my bed knowing that it was higher than the old one...

23. I faceplanted in the parking lot on one of my last few days of class

24. I bought headphones, after waiting a few months to get some

25. I decided to be proactive about losing weight, and I've lost a lot.

25 Things Which I Want to Happen This Month

1. I want to get a job, whether it requires a license or not

2. I want my ring to arrive in the mail

3. I want my mom to have a happy birthday

4. I want my blog hop to go over well

5. I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job

6. I want to finish a few books

7. I want to finish clearing the "stuff" that is left from moving everything out to the garage for the carpet guys

8. I want to continue growing as a blogger

9. I want this sinus crap to go away

10. I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job

11. I want my meeting with Dr. B to go well on Friday

12. I want to lose a little more weight...a little at a time

13. I want to apply for graduate school, to see what else it is I need to do to get in

14. If I don't get a job, I want to volunteer at the Mental Health Association again

15 I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job

16. I want to find a doctor that will work with me

17. I want to find a way to fill my calendar...it's kind of blank right now.

18. I want Texas to get some rain somehow...it's way too dry. I also want the fires to go away...related, so it goes under this category.

19. I want to adjust my sleeping schedule so that it's more normal

20. I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job I want a job

21. I want to write about RUOK Day in Australia (in fact, I plan to, later this week)

22. I want to listen to a lot of music....and find some new songs. I've been having trouble getting Adele's "Someone Like You" and it's frustrating me. Argh. 

23. I want to limit my spending...significantly. I don't really want to be spending at all, I have no reason to spend. 

24. I want to be open and honest

25. Most of all.....I WANT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!

And if you got this far, I commend you, because a lot of people will stop reading about halfway through, I bet. I doubt anyone will make it this far. *whistle*. If you do, let me know in my comments down there ↓↓ where it usually is! 

I've made it to 200 posts....holy cow. 

Ten Years Time

Today's post will be my 199th post. The next will be number 200, and I've already got something in mind for that, but I've got something else in mind for today.

Yesterday's post was about where I picture myself in 10 years, and I've written other posts about where I picture myself in the future- prompted posts often ask about where we picture ourselves in the future.

But one thing they don't do is look at the past. Ten years ago Sunday is a significant date in the lives of Americans- we, as a country, as a whole, were attacked. Many of us that were old enough to remember do- we were in a classroom, at work, at the gym- it's something that we've related as a story, and there are even songs that ask "Do You Remember?"

I was in freshman choir class, with the most difficult and strict choir director (and probably the best choir) that I ever had. This was the one day we sat down our sheet music and turned on the television. I was 13, almost 14. I hadn't moved to Ft. Worth yet- I lived by the military base Ft. Hood- one of the biggest in the country, and many of my classmates were children of military parents. Yes....I remember.

Ten years ago, on this date, I never would have predicted that America would be attacked. On this writing prompt, had I written it in English class, I probably would have written something like "I want to graduate high school (check) and college (barely check), get a job (not yet), move out of my house (kinda check- different house, but still live with parents)"...basic things.

Things come up in life that we don't expect, and it's hard to prepare for stuff like this. Disasters strike every day- earthquakes, fires (there was one eerily close to my small town recently), floods, tornadoes, attacks, you never know what will happen, or when it will happen. America never knew that on September 11, 2001, they would be the target of an attack. They never knew that ten years later, there would be a memorial of an attack that they never planned on having. If you had asked any American, it wouldn't have been in their itinerary. I certainly wouldn't have had it planned.

We don't plan for disaster- it just happens. It doesn't have to happen, but it does. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it does happen to some, and that's when others reach out. When September 11th happened, there was a burst of patriotism- songs were written, schools had assemblies, security was tightened, and Americans understood (for the most part). Flags came out and were more prominent. If you ask an American about September 11, you can be almost certain that they'll know what you're talking about- even the young ones that weren't around when it happened. It's in the history books, it's in stories, it's in lifelines, and people remember. People talk about it. People read about it.

Now, it's ten years later. Can you believe it's been ten years?

Randomosity 30 Days of Me- Perpetually Single

I have to say, I really liked the 30 days about me thing. It gave me something to write about sometimes when I was at a point where I didn't have much to write about, and at this point in my life, I'm finding a lot of that. This month, through some searching, I found another 30 days of me, on Randomosity Blog, so I'll be doing that one this month- but since this one is not restricted by day, I can start and finish when I want.

So, this month, I will start on Day 1. If there is a topic I don't want to post about, or that I feel uncomfortable posting about, of course, I will not post about it, as it is my freedom to choose what to post or not post about. Of course, now you'll be able to see what I choose to post or not post about. Well. That's fine I guess.

Day 1: My current relationship.

They start with a doozy. I'm single. I always have been single, unless you count the kid that went out with me on a dare in middle school, because the other kids didn't believe he would ask out such a dorky kid as myself. He broke up with me the next day. Confidence booster.

I was always the awkward one. It really was a downer to see everyone else going out with someone while I was always single. It is a downer to see my sister with boyfriends while I'm single (still). It's a downer to see my brother getting engaged while I'm (still) single. Both of them are younger. I'm proud of my brother, excited for him even, but I can't help but feel a little down about it.

I think, more than anything, I want for someone to care for me, unconditionally, but I've given up on that ever happening. I know, some people tell me they didn't have these things happen until they were older (late twenties, early 30s, maybe later), but I don't believe it'll ever happen for me. I just don't think I'm fit for it. Even so, I'm not ready for certain things in a relationship... there are things in my past that I can't forget. Things I tell nobody.

I'll never have a boyfriend. I don't even want one anymore. Maybe the caring of someone. The unconditional love. Someone to spend time with, and share things with. Nothing further. You can thank certain guys for that. There's a complete lack of will to go out with anyone, which is a complete buzzkill for a relationship- which will thereby kill any possibly relationships anyway.

Brand pessimist on my forehead...or just allow me to live single, because that's probably better anyway. My brother and sister- they'll have successful relationships. I'd like to call it realism...nobody has realistically looked my way for a real relationship- why would they do it in a year, two years, or five years? Thing is, it doesn't really bother me that much anymore- I've given to the perception of myself being single in the future, and it's really not all that bad. Not the best life, but not horrible. I can live with it.

A Little Bit of Stubborn

Today, I had the opportunity to be one of the carriers of things to my sister at the high school for her marching band practice (yay for marching band!). Lucky little chick. I discovered when I got there I was not the only one- my dad was sitting directly behind me in the car park- with her dinner. I had her water. Spoiled rotten chick!! I love her the same. Where was my older sister? Oh yeah, I didn't have one...oh well, I can drive myself places now, so *check* I'm good.

Tonight is the first home football game for the Fighting Owls. You can bet I'll be there- to chat with old teachers and friends that may haphazardly show up, seeing as it's six years after graduation- I know of one teacher that will be there, proudly, but most of the people who went there have moved on to better endeavors. He still teaches there, and has a daughter there *and a lot of school pride, and shows up at every game, regardless of whether his daughter or any other relative is in the show*

It'll be nice the next few days, because we'll finally see a break in the 100+ degree temperatures...can I get a woot woot? Monday's high is forecast at 89...cold front!!! Break out the winter coats everyone!!! (Just kidding on that front...pun intended)

On that note...since when does the new month define a change in season? I was always taught that the autumnal equinox meant autumn, so the whole "September means it's fall" thing is news to me. Especially since it's still over 100 degrees for a portion of September, and over 90 degrees for another good portion. Then the winter solstice is supposed to be the beginning of winter, correct?

I know that people define "winter" by the beginning of the holiday season, which falls very close to the end of November because it tends to fall just before my birthday, sometimes on my birthday *cringe BlackFriday cringe* and then comes December, often snow. Perhaps I'm a bit old-fashioned and dead set in my ways, but this is how I define seasons- Spring Equinox, Summer Solstice, Autumnal Solstice, Winter Equinox. Not just months picked and chosen by their relative hot/coldness.

This is the way I will stick to, the way I was taught, although trends may state otherwise. People may tell me happy spring and I'll say "tell me that when it's really spring" because I'm not that trend follower. I may follow other trends, but not this one. As such, school returns in summer, but that's ok. School has always returned in the summer, in my mind- you know, with band camp and such- but even when there wasn't band camp. Winter break always starts in the autumn. I hate the way people define this stuff, society is so single and simple minded, making things easier for those who can't think about complex things- what's so complex about the winter solstice being on December 21?

Thank you, facebook, for inspiring a little bit of bitterness in me, but that's ok, because I'll get over it. I know that I have my ways, and I'll always have my ways, and that people will always define things a little bit differently than I do. They always have. I'm a little bit stubborn. I have people that can and will vouch for that. Stubbornness can be a good quality, when applied appropriately....or neutral, not a bother. In this case, I don't think it really matters when I define the beginning of a season, as long as I'm not a hard ass about it, which I'm not. I don't push and shove people into my will. I just nonchalantly tell people what I believe and leave it at that.

Is there anything you're stubborn about? Is there anything you believe others define differently than you do? And what kind of plans do you have for the upcoming season (whether it's spring or autumn)?

Keeping Time, Time, Time

The title is a bridge from a song I had to learn for a competition in high school- don't worry if you don't know it. It's just one that's stuck with me, from the rhythmic features of it, and it seems appropriate. I just happened to be thinking about time tonight, and how it's been affecting me lately. It seems so strange that August is almost over, and I'm still sitting in the house. It seems so strange that so much time can pass by so quickly, and I don't even notice it.

It seems so strange that it can feel like I started at the university just yesterday, and I've earned my degree.

It seems so strange that I can be singing a song from high school- even stranger, a song from when I was in high school in KILLEEN- that was in 2001, friends, the year of the attacks on September 11- and remember the rhythm, words, and notes, verbatim. I was cleaning out a filing cabinet today, and found the narrative to a parody assignment we did at the end of that year in choir- just before we moved to the Fort Worth area- and I laughed. I could not believe I still had it, and I remembered, and texted Jasri, a friend who was in that group with whom the parody was written- she couldn't believe it either.

Time, it passes us so quickly. Within the blink of an eye, we go from giggly teenagers, to college students, to adults with bills and jobs, and we lose all of that (I must interject- I do not have bills or a job yet, but I know it's coming. Only a matter of time).

I pulled out my clock and plugged it back in today. I've not been keeping track of time- once we removed all the furniture from my room, I didn't have a clock plugged in, and simply neglected to plug my clock back in. I just put it back in place tonight and plugged it back in. I have one of those über cool clocks that resets itself when the power goes out...well, the power didn't go out, but it was unplugged for almost a week. The thing was, amazingly, still able to set itself correctly! Amazing! (no, this is not a plug for Emerson, but damn, amazing!)

I got this clock back before we moved to DFW, not sure of the exact date. Sadly, there is no copyright date on it, or the book which came with it (I found that today too!). The company, though, was still Emerson Research, as can be seen on the clock face, when I bought the clock. I liked it because it had blue numbers. That was what I wanted. Setting itself wasn't my concern at the time...but it's great that the company had a product back then that still works that great today! It keeps time....unlike me.

Sadly, I do not keep time well. I stay up half the night, and sleep in. Or, conversely, I get tired and go to sleep early, and wake up super early and try to find jobs, to no avail. My circadian rhythm....has no rhythm. Please, no metronomes. I hated them in high school marching band (colorguard....woot!!)...speaking of...flag!!

I still don't look much older....

The flag is still in my room. Colorguard is all about timing. Colorguard and choir were two things I could actually do the timing thing very well with. It's timing over time that I'm not very good at- if that makes any sense at all! I even went to state with choir, and got a medal...which is in a box that I haven't emptied yet...and our colorguard also won the North Texas Colorguard Association Championships the one year (on the same board in the same box and also hasn't been unearthed). One day, I will unearth my medal board- I have tons of them.

Time, time, time. I still have that song in my head. That word brings up so many topics, so many. Timed writing, timed music, timed spinning (colorguard), time of day, how much time I have in my life (a colorguard show, Ars Nova 2006), what I'm doing with my time in my life (not much really, sadly), time of day (my time is all mixed up)...and that song, it keeps playing in my head....oh, and thyme, the spice, too.

Keeping time, time, time in a sort of Runic rhyme, keeping time, keeping time, keeping time, keeping time, to the tin-tinabulation that so musically wells with the bells.....(where they came up with the lyrics, I have no idea, but oooook!)

Oh, and senior year--- "Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme, are you going to Scarborough Faire?" < I think they're gone for a bit. Maybe next year or something.

Me, actually at Scarborough Faire. No joke! (Summer 2010)

Day 9: A good memory

Day 9: Something that makes my life easier-

This is a difficult one. As of late, my life is all but "easy"...but it will be simpler soon, once I have my degree. Not to say it will be completely simple, as I won't be licensed or have a job yet, I'll have to work on finding a job and whatnot, but I'll be finished with my degree, and that's a positive.

Something currently that makes my life easier? I'd have to say that the fact that I retain information well definitely makes life easier. I don't remember everything, but I remember a lot of things. When it comes time to remember things, I usually do pretty well, sometimes even under pressure. Surprisingly, I test well. Not as well as I'd always like, but I'm a bit of a perfectionist.

Sometimes, it doesn't work out as an advantage- sometimes, I remember things I don't want to remember. Bad memories are hard to get rid of, and I can't choose which things I remember or forget. I wish it was that easy, but it's not.

Fortunately, for the most part, I remember the things I need and want to remember. If I need to jog my memory, I know how to do so, and that's another thing that makes my life easier- I know how I learn and remember. Of course, explaining it to someone is like explaining to someone why 1 comes after 0, but I have a natural way of reminding myself of things, and usually other people are stuped by it.

It's a good thing usually, having so many memories, being able to look back at them and see things so clearly even a decade later (or longer). I'm glad that I'm able to be able to do so, and I'm glad that I'm able to use my short-term memory to remember the things I need to remember here and now- making my life so much easier when it comes to school, listening to people, completing tasks, writing, and just doing what I need to do.

Here's to a good memory

Day 7: Corky

I know she hates when I call her that. I should say, I know you hate when you call me that, because I know you'll read this. She'll read this, but she never comments or follows...that's the way my family rolls. I know they read my blog. I have no problem with that.

Warning- This could get mushy. In fact, now that I've written it, it does. Mushy level high. It's still good.

Day 7: Today, I'm showing a picture that makes me happy. This one is kind of from the vault, because we really don't have any recent, decent ones. The picture:

Why this picture? This is myself (red & khaki) and my younger sister (in my lap). Our age difference is 8 years & we don't really spend a whole lot of time together. We're very different in a lot of ways- I was the academic, she's the social butterfly; I was down on myself, she shows a lot of confidence; I was a bit large, she's rail thin; I could go on for ages.

This picture was taken most likely in 2008, when I had a job (because of the clothing), and I know I was at least 40 pounds lighter (because I no longer fit those clothes). She was in my room with me, which is something that very rarely happens, and I was playing with the timer on my camera. I said "Hey, Courtney, let's take a picture with the timer!" She wasn't so excited about it, but we went forth with it, setting the camera on the desk, and running back and forth, making sure by the picture screen that the lens was pointed at the chair, setting the timer, pushing the button, then running to jump into the chair before the camera flashed. I deleted the bad ones (lol), so this was one of the better ones that day.

It really makes me smile because my sister is one of my favorite people. I admire her a lot, although I don't know how much she knows it. I may pick on her by calling her Corky, but it's out of love, and darn I love her to bits and pieces. Seeing a picture like this, with her smiling in my lap, it brings tears to my eyes. I love this kid. She's growing up so fast, though...she's got her permit to start driving, she'll be graduating high school in a couple years, she's almost my height now...

She's independent, friendly, beautiful, strong, and she has a big heart. I admire her confidence and her beauty, I really do. She doesn't get her looks from me! In fact:

Much more recent pics of us

This was the closest I could get to putting us next to each other in a picture, and we really don't look alike (sorry Courtney, I didn't have a better picture that actually showed your face, just your hair). It doesn't happen anymore. We're older- I've got school, homework, internet and had a job, she's got high school and marching band and friends, we just don't hang out all that much. To be honest, I'd love to be closer to her than pictures on the internet and the occasional text message or "like" on facebook, but it doesn't happen. Plus, soon (hopefully, if I get a job and whatnot) I'll be moving out...then we'll never see each other. Building a relationship is difficult if you're never there, aye?

The picture makes me smile, makes me happy, because it reminds me of the way things used to be- before we moved here, we even shared a room- talk about nostalgia! I don't have pictures of that, it was before I had a camera of my own. It makes me smile because it reminds me of times when I didn't have to position our pictures next to each other to hang together for a while. The age difference makes it hard. The difference in tastes makes it hard. We're polar opposites, but I still love her.

At least I have the memories, and that's what makes me smile. It doesn't take a whole lot when looking at the pictures. I'm glad that I have the memories, because it's better than nothing at all. I can smile and remember her jumping in my lap trying to beat the flash, I can remember her holding my hand to cross the street, I can remember the day I taught her to swing, oh the many things she learnt from me. Those things will never change. That picture is a picture captured of two sisters who have loved and laughed together, despite their differences, and who lead two completely different lives. Getting all mushy, I know.

I can remember wanting a sister. Betting with my brother whether she would be a boy or a girl. Guess who won. I hated sharing a room. I think she's really the ultimate daddy's girl, but that's ok. When we get older, we'll be able to look back on the pictures and smile, just the same, and I'll remember every moment. I love you, Corky.

Losing myself

Well, tonight I'm doing something a little out of the ordinary. Sometimes, especially when I'm feeling particularly down, I feel the need to purge myself of the past, both by discarding (or boxing away) particular items, and thereby removing the reminders they carry with them, good or bad, because I feel I don't deserve happiness.

Last time, I wiped my walls bare of all the artwork that adorned them, which had given my room a sort of vibrant, warm feeling, and demonstrated the capacity I once had to be creative. This was somewhere around the time that I relinquished all my awards and high school memories to a single cardboard box, an excellent reminder that I really thought I was something, but was horribly mistaken, for a few awards in high school do not a stable or intelligent person create...simply a schoolgirl who does all her homework and strives to please everyone else.

Tonight, the target (no pun intended-you'll see why I say that) is my closet. I have so many clothes that my closet almost looks like it's ready to burst. Well, not anymore. I've already purged my closet of most of my shirts. I'm no longer the slim, pretty (but clueless) girl that I was when those clothes fit. 80 pounds and most of a college career, as well as a lost job, later, I'm just different-can't explain it, but I know it. Upon seeing the empty bars that have emerged, I feel like I'm looking inside myself and stripping away the things that masked me, made me into what everyone else wanted me to be.

There are also the clothes from Target (hence the explanation starting the previous paragraph). That job was a huge chunk of my life, no doubt, and I learned a lot from it, but my memory is stained by the past mistakes I made, as well as the apex for me, as far as looks are concerned. I toss in a box an array of red shirts (and soon khaki pants) of various sizes, reminding me that I'll never be that young and pretty again, no matter how many diets I go on, miles I run, or anything else.

As I look at the things I'm putting into storage, in hopes that I may one day be that thin again, remembering times when I had a job, could do a few more things for myself, was beautiful and still somewhat intelligent...I feel kind of dismayed. At the same time, I realize first that I no longer wear those clothes, and also that I will miss the presence of a closet full of clothes; I also realize that these things, along with the artwork that at one time ensconsed my walls and awards that I could brag about, are still a part of my past, still connected to me, yet now I feel a distinct separation from them.

Whilst sometimes it's nice to reflect upon and remember the past, and happy memories that come with it, it's also disappointing to have the thought looming in my head that I've gone so far downhill, and lost myself (if I ever knew myself to begin with). I'm no longer innocent and pure...those things were, in a way, taken away from me against my will. I'm no longer the brainiac, the involved student, the competitor, the pretty girl, the good sister and child, that I once was. I sort of miss the good things of my past, even though they were enveloped with darkness and astounding disappointment too. Maybe one day I'll be able to pull out all these boxes that once defined me, and find a part of myself within, and perhaps be actually HAPPY to be the person I am. Until then, I just have to learn to live with myself and my loneliness and lack of self-efficacy. Goodbye, old Ashley. Hello.....I don't know who you are. Goodbye memories, hello scary and mysterious future. Goodbye me, hello stranger. I am gone.