15 June 2011

Childhood freedom

Anyone want to know how I've been doing? Honestly? I'll talk about that later.

Remember the game Duck, Duck, Goose? I love that game, and I miss playing it. I was always the one who got caught, though, because I have no coordination, and I am a very slow runner, and always have been. I never caught anyone else. The game was fun for a while, but I always got sick of being the one picking the goose.

I wish that we could continue playing games like this as we get older, but we stop. We get wrapped up in work. We have schedules, meetings, obligations, we forget what it's like. We stop playing games. We get serious and mature. Some of us say we're young at heart, but how young at heart are we? Would we sit down and play a game of Duck, Duck, Goose? Or would we just reminisce about how fun it was when we were a kid? I think mostly we would just reminisce, and in that case, it's not really being young at heart, but being able to remember the times when we were able to have fun and have freedom in our lives. Adults have so much less freedom, and my recent activities as explained below are a perfect example of this. It's not that I don't love what I'm doing, but I feel so restricted, so tightly scheduled, that I don't have the opportunity to sit down and be young anymore. So, to answer the question, how am I doing??

Not too well. I can't breathe through my nose, because my allergies are bad (they get bad when I'm busy and stressed). I feel like crap. I'm constantly doing something. If I'm not somewhere else doing something, I'm at home doing something for somewhere else, or sleeping. I haven't come up with a way to represent my first assignment that's due on Tuesday yet. I have to show 5 different aspects of myself. It's a "scrapbook" but I can present it any way I want. She said one student presented it as a refrigerator, and each aspect was a magnet; another had a tree, and each branch was an aspect. I want to do something creative, but I can't think of anything. I'm stuck. My brain is so stuck in trying to get everything done that I can't think of anything creative.

Today, a lot of things weren't done that are normally done, which set me back. It put a lot of pressure on me, because I wasn't expecting it. Now I know, though, so I can be prepared and set most of it up ahead of time, and just worry about the last little bit on Wednesdays. I've been given a new project to work on too, but I need to get a few things straightened out first.

I just kind of feel like I'm being pulled a billion different directions. I know I can handle it, I can certainly handle it! It's just that I'm having a problem figuring out where to go first, because there's so much to do, and a very short time to do it. I've got some time that I'm taking away from my internship and everything else, so I also have a paper I have to finish early so that I can give it to the other intern to turn in for the class that I'm going to miss, and so I can email it to the professor ahead of time. I've got to get all my ducks in a line. Duck, Duck, Goose. That's where the inspiration for this post came from. Getting my ducks in order.

I really wish I could go back to the freedom I once had, but I know I'll never have that again. I know that I'll have time to reminisce about the past, and to think about the freedom I once had, but I'll never be able to go back and enjoy my childhood like I should have. I wasted it away. I read books. I sat inside and studied. I isolated myself. I read more books. I didn't go outside and play with the other kids. I wasn't athletic. I didn't play during PE. I couldn't jump rope. I was horrible at tetherball, as much as I loved it. I couldn't scale the monkey bars, not even once. I couldn't do a cartwheel, or run a lap and be able to catch my breath. I wasn't popular. I was smart.

Now I wish I could go back and have fun, blow bubbles, ride my bike, play some sports, do something other than study. I can't change the past, though. Maybe what I did in the past will be helpful in the future. Maybe it'll be something that will help me out. Maybe it will be beneficial. Maybe they'll want someone well read and knowledgeable. Maybe they won't care that I can't run very far or that I'm not very athletic. (Let's hope they don't care.)

Now, all I can do is live life as I am. Do my internship, finish school, try to get out as much as I can (which isn't much). Hang with the few people I do know. Study, but not let it take over all my time. Communicate with other people. Volunteer in my free time. Give back. Do yoga (this is something I really want to learn, and I've downloaded a Droid app that will hopefully help me learn it). Learn more about myself. Take me time while I still have the chance. Look for jobs. Live in the present, not in the past or future. Only worry about the ducks that I have to deal with right now. That's what I'm planning on.


1 comment:

Cake Betch said...

I was thinking about something similar a few days ago - about how we don't 'play' as adults. I was thinking about how I used to never question what my body was capable of; it could move whichever direction I wanted at any time. Now I'm like, "Oh, that's going to hurt my back," or "I'll be so out of breath,", so on and so on. I think if we played as adults we'd be a lot better off.

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