05 November 2011

Trying to Love Me

There is a blog called "We Heart Life" which is currently doing a linky for posts about why people (bloggers are the ones linking, some have asked people they know) love their body. For me it's always been a struggle to love my body or, well, anything about myself. I try and try, but it's a constant battle. I can be found in many blogs saying *something* degrading about myself.

Even for me to drudge up a picture where I'll show my face is a rough task. Even to take one is a challenge! Shot 1- double chin. Shot 2- side fat. Shot 3- hair sticking out. Shot 4- caught all the acne marks. I never seem to be happy with my appearance, even when I try. It's pushed me into tears at times- for example, over the summer when I was shopping for a swimsuit and posted the "Not A Bikini Model" post, in June. No pictures, but I know how I feel about the way I look.

Even as far as avatars go, I'm not quick to post anything more than my face, and even that is through hesitation. I do have a few pictures in my blogs from where I lost some weight and was able to fit into an older pair of jeans, "Those Jeans", back in September, but I still haven't come to terms with the way I look, as much as I try.

Here, I'll make a really big effort to point out what I love about my body.....
.....
.....
still thinking....
.....
I like that I have small feet, because I can buy childrens' sized shoes, which are often cheaper than adult shoes (practical) or smaller adult sized shoes if I need to. I'll never have to complain about having big feet.
I like my fingernails, because they're very strong and resilient. I can't even bite them....they just don't break, there's no sense in taking too much time trying to do so, right? So I tend to have longer nails quite often, and I can paint them well so they look nice.
I like that I can grow my hair out long and cut it short and donate it within a short time period. My hair really doesn't get a lot of split ends, so that's nice. I don't like the way it's not curly or straight, but it doesn't have a pattern with which it waves, it just....does, and it won't curl or straighten....but it's still soft and nice hair.
My hair before the last 11 inch chop, April 2010
I like that I tan easily. Not that it's the best thing for my skin, but I do think I look a little bit better with a little bit of color.

That's really difficult for me to do. Come up with stuff like that. People are posting full body photos, tummies and all, and I can't post anything "full body" more than this:
and that was after I had lost some weight. Confidence lacking? Very much so.

I'm trying to learn to love myself. Not everyone can do it so easily. There's not a lot to appreciate from my body right now. It rejects medications. It gains weight for no plain reason. It has a bad thyroid. It doesn't make enough red blood cells. It just doesn't agree with me. I'm trying to learn to live with that. A few years ago I was a size 4-5. I miss that. I wish I could be that again. It's hard to love a body that keeps making itself into something you don't want to be. I'm trying, I really am.

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5 comments:

Leovi said...

Love begins at home. I love long hair.

upinthecosmos said...

I hear ya! I have self esteem & body confidence issues that stem from way back when I was a kid. I've always been the sensitive type & always overweight & kids are mean so I was always picked on for the weight and that's where all my issues began. I work on them daily and I'm 39 and still trying to work it all out! They say you have to love yourself before anyone else can but there are some that see beyond all that we see in ourselves and love us for the things we often miss.... we just make it easier for them if/when we can see it too:-)

Sarah Mac said...

Hey Ashley - I just popped back to the I heart my body blog and saw your post.

I think you did a great job with this. It wasn't all about underwear shots ect. It's about focusing on the positives - recognising the beautiful things about yourself.

Taking a step back from critisising ourselves which is something we all do so much of the time.

Maybe in being forced to look at the good things we can spend less time thinking about the things we aren't happy with because they don't have to be what defines us.

I see plenty of things here that you can be very happy about.

Jackie K said...

Lovely post. And you DO have beautiful hair. I hear ya on the photos thing, since putting on a lot of weight over the years I HATE having my photo taken. But then I always did - even when I was slim I was never confident in front of a camera!
Good on you for this post - keep up the self-love!

♥α§ђ£ε¥™♥ said...

I was never confident in front of a camera either, even when I was a 4 or so. I'm on the losing weight side now & getting compliments on it, still not all that confident but I'm trying! Thanks for the compliment on my hair, it's one of the few things that, as annoying as it can be, I still kinda like about myself.

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